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[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

snoopy of the day

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no holes punched into the walls, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. No fear, no hurt and no worries. I may come from a broken and twisted place but I will build something whole and safe.

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

i saw a rainbow today. i think i can learn to be happy now

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

You are a language I am no longer fluent in but still remember how to read.

Ashe Vernon

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

address the letters to the holes in my butterfly wings

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

its those pieces of me that keep fading away as i get older. how do i go back to who i was before?

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

It’s surprising after a time, when the pain doesn’t go away. When a memory resurfaces and it feels like a punch to the stomach, tears pricking at the corners of the eyes. The realisation that enough time will never have passed. This wound will never have healed.  

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

"I don't know why you keep agreeing to see them," they said. "You should - surely the city is big enough for you to avoid them?"

The protagonist stayed silent for a moment. "You know when you get a really bad stomach ache, and its awful, but you finally find a comfortable enough position where it's tolerable and doesn't hurt?"

"...specific, but yeah."

"And for a while, it's great. But then the urge to move gets overwhelming because you have to check, have to know, if the pain is really gone."

"Oh."

"Seeing them is a bit like that. I keep waiting for it stop hurting."

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

You don’t have to hit rock bottom to deserve help.

You don’t have to reach a certain threshold of suffering to deserve help.

You don’t have to have it worse than anyone else before you deserve help.

You don’t deserve help less than anyone else.

Someone who’s fallen into 10 foot deep water needs a life preserver just as much as someone in 100 foot deep water. You don’t have to wait for it to get worse before you’re entitled to reach out, or seek treatment, or talk about it.

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

im just playing the victim again isn't it

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

Sometimes you don't even need that much. It's enough for someone to just understand your situation. To remind you that you have done all you could, that it was enough, and that you deserve some rest and peace. To tell you they believe in you and that your thinking is right and that you are not wrong to feel what you feel, and want what you want. That sometimes mourning loss is okay, even if the loss is imagined, or deep in the past.

That you're going to be loved and accepted even if you're sometimes weak, small and without any faith in yourself. That you will pull yourself up, because you always did, and there will be someone waiting to greet you, to tell you they missed you and they're happy you're back. That you have a little bit of space in someone's heart and there's warmth for you there. That you're not unlovable or impossible to bear even if you're sick, arguing, or unable to make them happy.

That you'll be forgiven if you make a mistake. That there will be understanding and compassion for you, that your actions will not be misinterpreted in the worst way and villanized. That in the moments of fear and danger, someone will be standing beside you, making sure you pull thru, asking if you're alright when it's over.

That is really not that much. That is so little that most people can take it for granted. You deserve all this as a bare minimum. This will never be too much to ask for.

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

when my whole life has just been variables, i wish you'd be my constant

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

but what if i keep trying and nothing works out? because it never does.

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

ill be grateful to you all my life. but even gratitude has a line. and you've managed to cross it.

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

watch me destroy you. im tired of playing nice. my turn bitch.

[im-a-crumpled-up-piece-of-paper]

you cant break me. whatever you try, ive done it before worse than you could ever attempt