im-always-trying

[im-always-trying]

I'm stuck between what was and what could have been.

[im-always-trying]

I have found in the past few months that I have a mental block to do certain things that I like doing. This is because of a variety of reasons.

Since graduating, I finally have the time to do the things I wanted to do but I don't do them. I get stuck in these loops because I feel like there's something more productive I should be doing like readings or a paper for class.

I spend hours scrolling through reels. I choose to play the same mindless games I can play with other things playing in the background instead of playing the games I have been excited and waiting to play for when I had time because then I would have to fully focus on one thing.

I thought this was the same reason for watching shows or new movies since they would require more of my attention but I realized something else. I used to blow through tv shows in highschool and when I got to college after COVID, I didn't watch them on my own. I've been conditioned that watching videos are for me time and shows and movies are together activities. Now it's just me all the time and I can't help but drone on.

I always wanted to share new and old movies with you. I wanted to show you old movies I grew up with and to make new memories watching new ones together.

There was a list of movies we never got to watch because you thought they were going to be lame so you would rather watch something else or that you didn't feel like watching them. You never gave them a chance. To see what shaped my childhood. To see what I was raised on and how I remember times with my family. The actual happy memories instead of the sad or painful or terrifying memories that I still work through today. I just wanted to share more of myself in ways I couldn't explain. Like the obscure movie references that my family quotes all the time. To have more of a positive connection where you don't feel like the outsider. For you to see the side of them I love and cherish especially now.

I wish you had put in a little bit more effort to want to be a part of my family, too.

[im-always-trying]

Today could have been so different but now it's just another Thursday.

[im-always-trying]

I thought we would last a lifetime but instead we were 85 days short of 5 years.

-even if this hurts you, too, at least you're not the one sitting here alone

[im-always-trying]

You make lists in your head about what you want in a lover, like brown hair and a sweet voice. A sharp mind and a soft heart. A sense of humor that actually makes you laugh like you mean it. This and that. And that's all bullshit. Because people aren't lists.

And I've always wanted to come across someone with a list in their head that is nothing like the person I am, and I want to show them what they didn't even know what they were looking for.

People who think they know what they want are fooling themselves. Nobody really knows what they want. Not until it's right in front of them.

[im-always-trying]

I'm battling this sort of indescribable loneliness. Where there can be someone sitting right next to me and yet I still feel alone. Where I'm alone struggling to fall asleep at night even though there's another person sleeping on the other side of the door. All these visitors and yet it's still not enough. My introversion says stop but the rest of me can't stand this empty loneliness anymore.

[im-always-trying]

If you miss me, remember that before you said I wasn't enough

[im-always-trying]

No one said you had to do this alone. The "figuring it out" part. No one said you couldn't let others in to help you figure out who you are. It's a road to self discovery but I keep discovering how much I am a combination of other people. Sure I know I am one of those people but it would be a lie to say I'm not a mosaic of every person I've interacted with and cared about and loved.

Right now my mosaic is the shape of me but it's dominated by one color. My friends and family and people I care about add splashes of color and start to distract that overwhelming side of who I've become. You've shaped me more than you know but have broken me more than your apologies could ever repair.

- it's okay to find new colors to shape the new you

[im-always-trying]

How can I not feel worthless when I was discarded like nothing?

[im-always-trying]

None of this was my fault and yet I still feel like I somehow deserved it. How can I not blame myself for feeling like I handed you to each other on a silver platter? How could I not see how much my kindness was being taken advantage of? How could I not step up for myself for once and be selfish?

How could the person I trusted most use my kindness against me? How could she feel so okay with all she has done to me, her best friend, her ex-life partner, her almost-fiance? The person she promised to love forever and to never hurt me? How could she discard all we built together like it was nothing? Why does she continue to treat me like this and act like this, as if she is purposely trying to hurt me?

You've taken everything already, is that not enough? Do you have to keep twisting the knife that you continuously stab my heart with? I never would have done this to you. I would have been way more courteous than this. I would have actually considered your feelings and the shit you're going through and wouldn't actively try to make things worse for you.

- what is your plan here? Do you want me to hate you?

[im-always-trying]

I thought I had found my person but it turns out I wasn't hers.

I sit here thinking back about how one sided things were in the end. I gave her everything. I treated her like a queen and let myself get walked on.

I gave her all my love and sacrificed everything, but all I could give wasn't enough.

Why can't I find someone who is just as in love with me as I am with them? Someone who is just as excited to see me and hear from me and see my name pop up on their phone screen? Someone who is actually genuinely concerned about my well being and who wants to treat me at least like a princess, if not like a queen? Someone to fill this deep void that you created when you discarded what we had like it was nothing?

I gave everything I had and still lost. I had no control over any of it and lost everything. And I'm here alone, unable to sleep as always and you got to be in his arms as soon as before you left mine.

- what did I do to deserve this?

[im-always-trying]

Neither of you ever had to deal with the heartbreak and loss and loneliness of a break up.

Sure there were moments when you were physically alone but you always had each other.

Now what am I left with? Two people who said they would still be my best friends and would support me and who love me. Where did that all go?

You can't say you've ever been lonely when you get to run to his arms each night. When you get to have someone you know who is thinking about you and waiting to hear from you and about your day.

I was there with both of you and have never felt lonelier until now.

- the winner takes it all

[im-always-trying]

I was the moon and you were my earth, the galaxy and her wildflower.

We found each other in darkness and gave each other light.

We helped each other grow and thrive. I fell into your orbit and we became one. Bits of the same star, soulmates.

Our push and pull kept us together through thick and thin, our emotions bouncing off each other like tides, giving us both highs and lows throughout our beautiful life.

Suddenly we found the sun. A new light to help us grow, to help us feel warm and happy inside.

The earth was drawn to the sun and fell into its orbit while the moon followed along.

The sun gave the earth energy and love and motivation to grow while the moon began to fade into the background, hoping for a lunar eclipse, a way to get closer to the sun, even just for a moment. A way for the earth to see, to remember that the moon is still around, too.

The earth and sun became too hot for the moon to survive, so they turned their backs. The moon kept orbiting the earth, but dimmer than before, unable to break away from the everlasting bond.

- I'm a new moon trying to search the stars for answers

I hope global warming doesn't get the best of you

[im-always-trying]

You came to me in my dream last night. I was doing my best to exist, as I already am, and you told me you weren't sure if you made the right decision. You felt like you owed this to him because of everything he dropped for you. Then you kissed me three times, alle guten Dinge in drei, and your eyes met mine longingly before you vanished.

- I woke up in a cold sweat, hopeful and heartbroken, and haven't been able to shake this weird feeling all day

[im-always-trying]

It's been two weeks since you broke up with me and the marks on my chest and shoulders have finally faded.

- I still can't scrub the memories or the feeling of your hands off my skin

[im-always-trying]

How can I feel this exhausted and still not be able to sleep?

[im-always-trying]

My brain won't stop reminding me of all the things you did literally behind my back. As in me laying there, with both of you next to me, but forgetting I'm even there.

Athens, when I woke up to the sounds of you kissing and I cried because that was the one thing I asked you not to do. Not when I'm right there, too.

Wisconsin, when I thought we were all going to sleep for the early morning but you both had other plans. I literally threw up through the night and morning. I reminded you that this was the one thing I asked you not to do. This time was much worse.

In the car, on the phone with your mother. He decided that was the time to change his swimsuit, with you still back there and me distracted by the call.

How did I let this happen to me? How did I let you walk over me so easily? So often? You disregard my boundaries whenever it's inconvenient for you. How can that be fair?

- how do I avoid this becoming trauma?