im-being-so-normal-about-this

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I also had an alternate plot for this oneshot, which I figured I’d put below the cut for anyone who wanted to read it:

Basically, instead of Spider helping River with the store bought kits, he takes River and Rose to the professionals instead.

When he walks in, River goes to get the lice stuff, and Spider says “what are you doing?”

”Going to start on Rose’s hair?”

”No. I’m taking you guys to a hairdresser.”

River obviously protests, but Spider wears him down

Besides, it isn’t as if he actually wants to spend an hour pulling bugs out of his daughter’s hair

(His daughter, by the way, who finds it hard to sit still for more than a few minutes at a time)

So, he lets Spider take them to a place where they do lice removal

Spider makes them wear hair caps and not touch anything in his car while they drive

They get there and they do the treatment, the people there are obviously very good at what they do and everything goes pretty easily

Rose has a pretty good time chatting with the employee doing her hair

At the end, they give Rose like a lollipop or a piece of candy and they all leave

They're walking down the street (either back to Spider’s car or just somewhere else)

Rose turns and asks River “When can we go back?”

River and Spider make eye contact over her head and at the same time say “NEVER”

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James “Spider” Webb, River Cartwright & His Daughter, James “Spider” Webb & River Cartwright’s Daughter Characters: River Cartwright, James “Spider” Webb, River Cartwright’s Daughter Additional Tags: lice, Lice removal, Fluff, River Dad AU, basically just them being cute Series: Part 1 of River Dad AU Summary:

“Rose caught lice at school and, shockingly, she passed it on to me. We already did one of those treatment things that you get from the store but it doesn’t seem to have worked super well, so I got a different one that’s supposed to be heavy-duty. I know this is probably a lot to ask, but I think part of it is that I’m not really able to reach the back of my own head, and Rose keeps trying to rub her head on every fabric surface in the house, so could you please come over and help me out?

or:

River and his daughter get lice, and Spider helps them get rid of it.

[im-being-so-normal-about-this]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James "Spider" Webb, River Cartwright & His Daughter, James “Spider” Webb & River Cartwright’s Daughter Characters: River Cartwright, James "Spider" Webb, River Cartwright’s Daughter Additional Tags: lice, Lice removal, Fluff, River Dad AU, basically just them being cute Series: Part 1 of River Dad AU Summary:

“Rose caught lice at school and, shockingly, she passed it on to me. We already did one of those treatment things that you get from the store but it doesn’t seem to have worked super well, so I got a different one that’s supposed to be heavy-duty. I know this is probably a lot to ask, but I think part of it is that I’m not really able to reach the back of my own head, and Rose keeps trying to rub her head on every fabric surface in the house, so could you please come over and help me out?

or:

River and his daughter get lice, and Spider helps them get rid of it.

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Okay Dad AU Post

My partner in crime with this au is @m0d3rnvamp1r3izm but since they posted some art a few days ago I get to do the text post!

Get ready for a crazy long post under the cut

This is kinda just going to go through our basic ideas of like how it came to be and how it might have impacted the storyline:

River has the kid with a semi-serious girlfriend. They obviously weren’t planning to have a kid, but something goes wrong with their protection or the birth control and she ends up pregnant. They don’t want to get married but they also don’t want to give up the baby, so eventually the baby is born and River ends up taking care of it as a single dad.

This takes place pretty early in training, before River meets Spider, but the child is still an infant when they start to become friends.

As Spider and River grow closer, Spider also grows closer with River’s child.

In the beginning, he’s definitely very uncomfortable around it (he’s not really a baby person) but slowly he starts to warm up to the kid and care for it.

Spider and River are dating in this au (or, together in whatever sense feels right for them) and eventually he becomes something of an important presence in the kid’s life.

Spider still goes through with betraying River, as it’s too good of a career opportunity to pass up, but it feels somehow worse. He knows that he’s not just taking away River’s career and reputation, but also his means of providing for his child.

The betrayal also has a few more layers of grief for River

Firstly, he has to hide everything he’s feeling from his child, but it’s pretty hard to do. He tries to stay upbeat and not show his kid that he’s upset, but it’s hard. He often ends up locking himself in a bathroom or a closet just so he can get a quiet place to be sad without worrying his kid.

Secondly, the kid misses Spider too. They ask where he is, and eventually River has to explain that Spider might not have been as frat as they thought. Now he has to contend with his own feelings about the situation and how his child feels.

However, it’s not all sad. Some happy headcanons include:

River dressing the baby up for Halloween (just imagine him holding a baby in a little bear onesie)

Before the betrayal, River proposes he, Spider, and the kid go on a walk and Spider just side eyes it, going “doesn’t it need a leash?”

River packs the kid’s lunch and leaves little notes or drawings on the napkin

The kid tries to do River’s makeup/paint his nails and it ends up terrible (seeing as how they’re like three) and River just sits there and is like “it’s great… I love it…”

The kid wants to have a tea party of some sort, and they force River and Spider to sit on those little kid chairs and talk to stuffed animals with them

Anyway, River and his kid are kinda left alone by Spider up until season 3

(He does end up showing Louisa so many pictures of the kid that she tells him to shut up, though)

However, instead of dying after his run-in with Donovan, Spider survives

His near death experience makes him realize that he has some regrets in his life: namely, that he knows he shouldn’t have betrayed River

It takes him a while to get over his pride, but eventually he finds River and tells him that he’s sorry (in a less heartfelt and more… Spider-y way, but an apology nonetheless)

River is wary about letting Spider back into his and his kid’s life, knowing that if he hasn’t changed it won’t be a good relationship for either of them.

Now that he had a child of his own (a child that, incidentally, looks pretty much like a carbon copy of him) River has realized how messed up his own childhood was. He wants to do better than the adults who were in his life at that time and protect his kid from things he can avoid.

Still, he tentatively decides to give Spider a chance.

They reconnect and, eventually, rekindle their romance. Spider keeps showing up, and he proves to River that he can be trusted.

River decides to bring him back around and reintroduce him to his kid. Though, there’s an obstacle that neither of them anticipated: the kid remembers what Spider did, and he’s not happy that Spider hurt his dad.

Spider goes through the whole process of regaining trust again, expect this time with a grudge-holding five year old.

It takes a while but he finally regains the kid’s trust, and things kinda start to feel like they did before Stansted. It’s not exactly the same (there’s too much history for that) but it feels just as good.

Obviously everything isn’t perfect, but the three of them end up pretty happy.

Anyway there’s definitely more to say but this is kinda the basics and I hope you guys like the idea as much as we do!

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AAAAAAAAAAA YES YES YES YES YES YAYAYYAYYAYAYAYAYA

Slow horses except I got River pregnant then abandoned him and forced him to be a single dad…

yea um River Cartwright dad au,, ALSO IK ITS NOT UNCLUDED IN THE ART(yet…) BUT THIS AU IS VERY CARTWEBB IN MY HEAD GUYS TRUST…

[im-being-so-normal-about-this]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James "Spider" Webb Characters: River Cartwright, James "Spider" Webb Additional Tags: Bondage, Oral Sex, Hand Jobs, Ummm not really much else to say, River and Spider are freaks, Fingers do go in mouths Series: Part 6 of Cartwebb Oneshots Summary:

“Is that-”

“The tie you said it looked like someone had thrown up on? Yes.”

“And you’re going to use it to-”

“Yep.”

“Cool.”

or:

River and Spider make good use of Spider’s (neck)ties.

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Update!

Just posters Chapter five of because you’re mine (I walk the line)🤠 You can find it here. I’m super excited about this one, and I hope you guys like it too!

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tagged by @hr-twink thanks for including me!

Rules: You just got a kind of shitty old car, and it doesn't have bluetooth. you can only buy 7 CDs and you can't repeat an artist. what are you getting?

Hozier (Expanded Edition) - Hozier

Stick Season (We’ll All Be Here Forever) - Noah Kahan

The Stranger - Billy Joel

Short n’ Sweet - Sabrina Carpenter

Clancy - Twenty One Pilots

How to: Friend, Love, Freefall - Rainbow Kitten Surprise

I Walk The Line - Johnny Cash

umm I don’t really know who to tag here so if you feel like doing it, go ahead!

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💐🌳may fic roundup☀️🍑

[-----MADE ME INSANE-----]

🥇(ch13)Painter, Piper, Prisoner, Pawn by @cakebatteronabrickwall (🦫ch12) [💧ch13 safe to say this gets the medal since i left a 1500 word comment and literally had to cancel ff friday over it]

🥈🎀🐶shopping by @watchingthescreen [acc one of my favs ever!]

🥉👁️(unlike men) the diamonds linger by @thelastdeadletter [leer emoji]

[-----😳🤭🫡(WHOREADS)-----]

🏆 👆put my finger on your tongue ‘cause you love the taste by @im-being-so-normal-about-this [a general slut trophy for you to thank you for your service🫡]

🐶 baby I'm a dog, I'm a mutt by @im-being-so-normal-about-this

shopping by @watchingthescreen

it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby by @im-being-so-normal-about-this

👆using your distress as foreplay by @im-being-so-normal-about-this

👆Mind the Gap by NoxFox03

have you ever tried this one? by @im-being-so-normal-about-this

tie me up, i'm laced by givemebaretrees

🏆 The Descent by @gingeragenda and spacetrashdelux

[-----POOR THING-----]

Double-oh three-and-a-half by antlerlessbuck

Who Let the Dog In? (Probably Lamb) by metandiol

Drive the Wedge by @altschmerzes

Sticks and Stones by elizabethcatherine

It’s Fine Until It Isn’t  by @tenderlywicked

Still The Bone Remembers by @tenderhooked

[-----CUTE-----]

Playdate by Flora98

Who Let the Dog In? (Probably Lamb) by metandiol

[-----INTRIGUED-----]

Drive the Wedge by @altschmerzes

because you’re mine (I walk the line) by @im-being-so-normal-about-this

👁️(unlike men) the diamonds linger by @thelastdeadletter

into the trees with empty hands by @cartwrong

Don't Talk To Strangers (ch4) by @countessrivers

The Descent by @gingeragenda and @admirably-abhorrent

[-----🫡(WHO(RE))READ😔----]

Where You Rest by verafrequency

please (i don't say thank you) by @thelastdeadletter

collab by @watchingthescreen

It has been 0 days since River’s last cock-up by ShannonXL

wild garden by @watchingthescreen

If I Go, I'm Going by @cakebatteronabrickwall

他不是我男朋友 by tumao

Awards and Medals (i have no methodology and fully make up new awards)::

Medals of Insanity: 🥇🥈🥉 Slut trophy: 🏆 Fingers in His Mouth Friday Award: 👆 Dog🫵:🐶 Beaver Rehabilitation Award: 🦫 Cried Award:💧 Bias award (beta or was parasitic to the author): 👁️ (new!!)BARBIE DOLL :🎀

[im-being-so-normal-about-this]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James "Spider" Webb Characters: River Cartwright, James "Spider" Webb Additional Tags: 69 (Sex Position), Blow Jobs Series: Part 5 of Cartwebb Oneshots Summary:

“Spider, I need more, please.” Usually River would have tried to be a little more eloquent, but he could hardly think straight at the moment. The words—and the pleading tone in which they were spoken—still seemed to satisfy Spider, who propped himself up on his elbows.

“Alright.” River let his head fall back against the pillows, relief and anticipatory pleasure sending tremors throughout his body.

“But I want something too.”

or:

River and Spider 69.

[im-being-so-normal-about-this]

Chapters: 4/14 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James "Spider" Webb Characters: River Cartwright, James "Spider" Webb, Diana Taverner, Jackson Lamb, Catherine Standish, Louisa Guy Additional Tags: Cowboy AU, Spider is a deputy and River is an outlaw, the Slow Horses are a train-robbing gang, Cowboy hats play a large role in the development of romantic tension, Tags will probably be updated (I can’t help myself) Summary:

James Webb stared at the Wanted poster, willing the torn, curling paper to reveal the secrets of the man staring out from its surface. River Cartwright—the notorious bandit and second-in-command of the band of outlaws known as the Slow Horses—was depicted there, a message in ink declaring that he was “WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE”. After the Slow Horses’ recent string of train robberies, they were the first priority for the county’s lawmen, and Sheriff Diana Taverner wasn’t letting anybody forget it.

  or:

 The Slow Horses cowboy AU you didn’t know you needed.

[im-being-so-normal-about-this]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James "Spider" Webb Characters: River Cartwright, James "Spider" Webb Additional Tags: office fucking, Hare Sex, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, River and Spider are freaks Series: Part 4 of Cartwebb Oneshots Summary:

“I know enough to say that I wasn’t just a quick fuck for you. I know enough to say what you like in bed. And I definitely know enough to say that I’m the best you’ve ever had.” He stalked closer as he talked, eventually ending up right next to Spider’s chair. 

“And how, pray tell, do you know all of that?” Spider asked, looking up at him.

River leaned down, whispering as softly as he could into Spider’s ear, “Because of this. 

or:

During S1E1, when River brings Spider the laptop, things go a different direction.

[im-being-so-normal-about-this]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James "Spider" Webb Characters: River Cartwright, James "Spider" Webb Additional Tags: Masturbation, training era, River gets freaky, i don't really know how to tag this, I think it's pretty clear Series: Part 3 of Cartwebb Oneshots Summary:

Still laying on his bed, River reached a hand down, rubbing himself through the fabric of his pants. He made a quiet sound in the back of his throat, hips bucking involuntarily. Maybe he shouldn’t have been doing this, thinking about his roommate this way—especially when said roommate could come back at any moment—but the feeling was so good that River decided to damn the consequences. Besides, Spider would never know what had happened. River would be done with plenty of time to spare before he came home.

or:

River jerks off to the thought of Spider.

[im-being-so-normal-about-this]

Finally updated Pain is Cold Water after three weeks!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/63627319/chapters/169533886

Sorry for the long wait everyone!

[im-being-so-normal-about-this]

Chapters: 3/14 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James "Spider" Webb Characters: River Cartwright, James "Spider" Webb, Diana Taverner, Jackson Lamb, Catherine Standish, Louisa Guy Additional Tags: Cowboy AU, Spider is a deputy and River is an outlaw, the Slow Horses are a train-robbing gang, Cowboy hats play a large role in the development of romantic tension, Tags will probably be updated (I can’t help myself) Summary:

James Webb stared at the Wanted poster, willing the torn, curling paper to reveal the secrets of the man staring out from its surface. River Cartwright—the notorious bandit and second-in-command of the band of outlaws known as the Slow Horses—was depicted there, a message in ink declaring that he was “WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE”. After the Slow Horses’ recent string of train robberies, they were the first priority for the county’s lawmen, and Sheriff Diana Taverner wasn’t letting anybody forget it.

  or:

 The Slow Horses cowboy AU you didn’t know you needed.

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Love when writers do an insane amount of unnecessary research for their fics. I follow an author that did like 8 months of intense research into 14th century Scotland so they could write smut about it, and guess what. It was some fucking incredible porn AND I learned about old Scottish politics

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Slow Horses (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: River Cartwright/James "Spider" Webb Characters: River Cartwright, James "Spider" Webb Additional Tags: Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Anal Sex, Dry Humping, needy River Summary:

“River—oh—River, down, boy,” Spider gasped, growing harder at the undisguised want in River’s eyes. Seeing him like this, pleading and needy and unguarded, gave Spider the most heady rush of power he’d ever experienced. Driving River crazy was one of his top priorities, if only because it was also one of his greatest pleasures.

or:

River is a pathetic horndog, so he and Spider fuck nasty. There's not really much else to say.

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i hate driving. here are the laws! if you break them there will be consequences! except youre also expected to break the law just a little bit. people will get mad at you if you dont. you dont have right of way but the person who does is waving you forward for some reason. here's the speed limit! it's not the speed limit, the actual speed limit is that plus ~5-10. the light is green but you're in the turning lane. can you go? should you have gone just then? the person behind you is honking at you. there's a weird noise coming from your engine; if you try to do the right thing and get it checked out, will you get scammed? you are driving a 1-2 ton metal machine rocketing at speeds unknown to humankind for most of history. around a million people die in car accidents every year; that's about one person every thirty seconds. if you take that seriously and try to drive safely then people get mad at you.