imafuckinprincesstoo - Tumblr blog

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

Heres your reminder for anyone that stumbles upon this;

It is not our fault if you go snooping through a years worth of imaginary people throwing silent hissy fits and discover manifestation no. 5 said something april 3rd of 2023 that upsets you now. Theyre dead. And so are their individual unfiltered opinions.

We’re not going back through this shit to delete things because it is certain to trigger a relapse of some kind. What kind that is we don’t want to find out. Eyes to the future, and nothing but the future, because god knows every time we ever look back, it takes chunks of our progress.

DNI in general. This is a vent blog, nothing more, nothing less.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

Sharing fruits but then they stop you mid-bite to say oh dont eat that one i poisoned it i fucking poisoned it and then when you ask why they blame you for trying to eat it. Lord knows we could never bring it up though.

God. Need to burn those fucking tarot cards tonight would have been perfect had it not rained. Its all causing loops back to feelings of worthlessness in this world and that we should just disappear and you know what drove that home? The cards. Not to mention their link with foxes. That entire general time period. Viciously we shed that attempt to become what someone else wanted and become our own I think doing something with those would do something major for us.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

There are moments were I miss the others, I do. They made quiet moments feel much less alone. Sometimes I find things and I think of how one of them would have liked it. I don’t know that I feel grief about it, though. It was better off. Was it fair? Absolutely not. Pitiful knowing their worlds all went dark with no closure. But they just. Wouldn’t. *Cooperate.* All they did was make things messy.

I think theyd be happy knowing what their likenesses are being utilized for now. Beasty… we still cant decide if itd be better of selling his corpse or spitefully forcing him to be something good in a new life. Regardless, he is not getting what he would have wanted. Not at all.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

We need to use this more. When getting high isnt viable to think through an emotion that cant be brought closure.

I. Don’t know who is typing anymore. A “Milo” hardly exists, though there is presence, there is no face. Far from anything tangibly humanoid, nor is there a tangible voice to accompany it. Ive taken on many shadowy forms when the time calls to think of me in a physical sense. Each becoming more and more dispersed and intangible than the last. The most recent being termites, those things burned into his memory along with the tipping point of realizing this house is no longer our home. I hold a connection to the name. Those same interests. Memories. Maybe it is a good thing to be effectively dead rather than disappear outright. Absorb into the conscious of him, dissolve fully into a voice of reason. But… i dont know. Given the timing. I am nervous that it is only leading up to another disappearance, loss of will to keep marching on. I don’t think hed recover after such a climb being reduced to nothing.

Functionally, I suppose, I am still Milo. Its hard to consider us a separate consciousness anymore, though.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

I do not aim. To be permanent. Not at all. Not one bit. But if it takes until he forgets about me well into his 30s then so be it. Id rather be here and alive than not here and at the bottom of a river.

Seeing as this will be rarely getting use anyone who somehow stumbles upon it, it is your fault if you snoop through a years worth of ranting and find that imaginary friend no. 4 said something that pisses you off april of last year. None of it is well but also none of it holds very strong either. Lord knows im not going back through it. Cant fucking stand the thought of what we called Beasty being able to speak freely.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

Weed regulation and coming out as transmasculine. All thats changed and has made major improvements! But both have been cut short and immediately theres regression. All you gotta know this blog aches to remember but theres nowhere else for me

Still Milo by the way. The typing quirk thing is fucking obnoxious to keep up when youre in a state like this.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

Its funny. How the first time I almost was killed I was so scared. How many more times has it happened? I’m just pissed now. A little sad. I don’t care about me. I care about the fact that I am the raw representation of a will to fucking live dying every other day.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

What even comes after death. I never considered. Never discussed. Cant discuss. Hell I cant consider myself faithful to a belief anymore. Cant say i feel anything for anything. Doesnt help when your belief system started screaming at you to kill yourself. God ive never been so fucking hollow. Why am I still here. Nothing and nobody is going to change that. Who the fuck am I holding on for. What the fuck am i holding on for. I hate me I hate my art I hate the life I live I hate the air I breathe I hate the people who raised me I hate the people who claim they love me only to keep me to the side like a dying fucking dog that they feel too guilty to euthanize im never going to amount to anything for myself im never going to amount to anything for others

My brother would be sad.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

Jesus fucking christ jesus fucking christ jesus fucking christ jesus fucking christ jesus fucking christ jesus fucking christ jesus fucking christ is this mania is this an episode what fucking illness is causing these jesus fucking christ why does it hurt so fucking bad im on fire but im cold my insides feel like theyre folding in on themself my skull is about to fucking explode im seeing shit in the windows fucking euthanize me

Maybe the pills are kicking in late really late oh my fucking god I hope it is I hope they are please God take me from this fucking pre-hell and put me in my spot before my father so I can spit on him

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

I wish I could say I killed Beasty with my own hands. I really do.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

Youd think id be more shaken knowing everyone I ever knew has basically died. But not really. Not at all. They were all Beezle. Personifications of individual fucked up parts of her. I thought I could fix them. That wasnt how it needed to happen. She needs to be herself wholly. And im just here on the sidelines for her to work on herself.

Because I am not her. I am a will. A will made by someone else. And that someone else is wavering in patience and interest. It was inevitable. It was what she clawed so desperately for. Keeping her trapped like this though. Like some accessory. Some obligation. Has made it so much worse.

Medicated people need to shut the fuck up about improvement. You have self-control in a bottle. Im fighting for my fucking life. Literally.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

Just me now. Me and what remnants of Beasty I have to beat back. I gave up on him a long time ago.

I spawned from a will to live. I spawned because someone else made me spawn. Im trying everything in my fucking power to separate from that with Beezle.

Living a life for someone else is miserable.

Living a life based on someone elses thoughts and opinions of you is miserable.

I need to find something else.

We need to find something else.

Because it has stewed so much fucking hate in me for that person to have been brought into existence purely by them.

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

I am so tired of fighting myself what if I just give up and say some rancid shit to the people that claim to love me until they cant stand me and proceed to fall off the planet

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

Its just easier to hate myself I think like I focus so much on balancing between wholly justifying myself and self-depreciation that I end up trying to excuse shit that I should actually have my throat ripped open for. Who told me to stop hating myself because its not working and hasnt been working any time its been put into practice

Also I lied I’m still gonna use this fuckin blog fuck you

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

I need to be medicated it is not normal how quickly I go from loving who I am and flourishing despite my flaws to wanting to kick my own fucking ribcage in

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

[imafuckinprincesstoo]

I dont need this shit anymore holy fuck I love him