imaginaryluci

[imaginaryluci]

I think I deserve one (1) date and a kiss kn the forehead for my birthday, so if someone wants to date a depressed little clowny guy who looks like something between a ghost "lady in white" you'd see at 3 am on a balcony or a witch who causes problems on purpose and appears in the woods in the form of a cryptid... yeah. My birthday is tomorrow

[imaginaryluci]

It's the day before my birthday and the one year anniversary of the day I blocked my friend who I had a crush on for ghosting me after promising me we'd make plans to hang out... and then unblocking them soon after because I still really wanted answers from them and I was really depressed and heartbroken over their absence.

Ahahaha... never got those answers. And my fondness for them isn't something I can just erase. I tried to get some kind of answer for too long because I wanted to understand what went wrong, because otherwise I'd blame myself and feel utterly miserable for it.

Dear Sade, you fucked me up so bad.

You made me feel like an idiot for caring too much.

And yet all I wanted was you to tell me I wasn't stupid for that, because if you said it, I'd have believed that.

The way you talked to me when we talked was always so warm and comfortable and reassuring that I wanted to do everything I could to give you those same feelings. I wanted to share them with you in whatever way I could. And that was when I realized that I was into you, because I wanted to see more of you, and make you laugh, and show you stupid things just to hear what you think of them. To hear about and watch things I've never been into just because you had an interest in them and I liked you enough to care about the things you cared about.

And all of that. ended with you disappearing on me. Leaving me to wonder what happened. I didn't want to ask you to manage my feelings, but it would've been nice if, as a friend, you cared enough to hear me. Or to tell me if I was crossing a line and you need space or time or whatever. Even if you told me my feelings were too much and I should figure it out myself, that would have been less callous than disappearing without a word while I cried and begged for any sort of explanation, because I can come up with 1000 reasons on my own, but never knowing and feeling like I myself am a problem or like I was an obstacle to you that you had to remove to find happiness is an AWFUL feeling.

Surely you can't be unaware of how terrible it is to feel brushed off, ignored, ghosted.. So it's really hard for me to fathom knowingly doing that to someone. I understand in some cases it's necessary, but... If in some way for some reason I made you afraid to try to give me an answer or a reason, I wish you'd have trusted that I'd try to understand.

[imaginaryluci]

what do I have to do to go to events where people are dressed nicely and there are plates of free cheese cubes

[imaginaryluci]

My hopes and dreams that meant nothing to you are still fighting against my attempts to move on.

[imaginaryluci]

Maybe it's the case that the losses I've been holding onto that my mind won't let me move forward from stick so intently because I cannot reconcile the fact that I have had no agency in these situations.

I have lost some that I cared about so deeply, and the sorrow of their absence persists. Moving on means admitting that I was helpless to the situations and circumstances that occurred. That nothing I could have done would have changed anything.

My love and my efforts can't save relationships nor can they prevent disastrous circumstances from happening to those I love. And the feeling that, despite my efforts, time will leave them slipping through my fingers like sand... It's difficult to stay hopeful in the face of that.

[imaginaryluci]

Found in my drafts from Idk when. last month maybe? the month before?

Maybe there's a sense of peace that you can only feel when you care about nothing.

But do the stars shine as brightly through your eyes? Does the sun leave traces of warmth on your skin in the same way? Does happiness ever creep into the corners of your mind and make you wish for things and feelings that will stay with you?

Do you turn your back on things because you're afraid of feelings that might only be fleeting, or have you become numb to the world and everything it has to offer?

[imaginaryluci]

Maybe there's a sense of peace that you can only feel when you care about nothing.

But do the stars shine as brightly through your eyes? Does the sun leave traces of warmth on your skin in the same way? Does happiness ever creep into the corners of your mind and make you wish for things and feelings that will stay with you?

Do you turn your back on things because you're afraid of feelings that might only be fleeting, or have you become numb to the world and everything it has to offer?

[imaginaryluci]

You never cared about me, did you?

[imaginaryluci]

I let you stare into the void deep behind my eyes. The place a soul is meant to reside, but has been filled with smoke and chaos. The place where a roaring flame could only either start to burn brightly and wildly out of control or be smothered silently and all at once.

pls reapond

[imaginaryluci]

My Ocd says "what if something really bad happened and I'm not able to be supportive? what if I give up on letting you know that I care, and that results in something bad happening to you that I could've prevented."

and I understand that that's not a reasonable mental process to go through, but the thing about ocd is you can only try to reroute your thought patterns and processes, but there's a reason "obsessive" is in the name. It's persistent. My brain nags me, it claws at me, screams.

Over and over again I think "What if I'm not being supportive enough? What if they don't know that they matter to me and that I care? What if I found out something happened to them tomorrow and I didn't try enough? What if something happened to them months ago and I'll never find out?"

So. My brain is a mess. I struggle to get over people and situations that occur because of my brain that won't let things go, and is frequently filled with persistent and unrelenting"What if"s.

And then I spiral into the same hole over and over, with the same worries, the same pain, the same, "can you even hear me?" scratching at the back of my mind, like a rambunctious dog locked in a room, willing to break the door if it means getting out again to make a mess of my brain.

Sade.. I wish you gave me a single clue why you stopped talking to me.

We're you just that nervous at the thought of actually seeing me face-to-face?

Did I do something to scare you off?

Did I make you uncomfortable in some way that I couldn't see, or cross a line you made a mental note of but never established with me?

Did you change your mind on being okay with me spamming you and then never tell me that until you reached a point of overwhelm that was too much?

[imaginaryluci]

Sade.. I wish you gave me a single clue why you stopped talking to me.

We're you just that nervous at the thought of actually seeing me face-to-face?

Did I do something to scare you off?

Did I make you uncomfortable in some way that I couldn't see, or cross a line you made a mental note of but never established with me?

Did you change your mind on being okay with me spamming you and then never tell me that until you reached a point of overwhelm that was too much?

[imaginaryluci]

If you ever sent me an anonymous message as someone who knows me, I'm going to flick you on the forehead for that.

This does not apply if you told me about it directly and sent it as a joke.

BUT IF YOU'RE LIKE, "Oh, how I wish you'd talk to me, I hope you're doing well without me. </3"

Say that. to me.

I am only intimidating if you make me out to be that. I'm literally just a guy.

I have an active grudge against literally 3 people and that is because they lied to me and hurt me in very intentional ways, and showed no (genuine) remorse whatsoever. I'm probably too forgiving most of the time in most situations.

[imaginaryluci]

I have to remind myself that there are people who might actually be nice, empathetic and care about other people, because seeing people online treat other people like shit is really depressing.

[imaginaryluci]

I wish people would treat others like they're valuable. Why are people treating their friends and partners like they're disposable and finding faults in just whatever?

Nobody is going to meet your standards if you change them at the drop of a hat. Nobody is going to be perfect and never make a mistake or have/ cause a misunderstanding. Sometimes when you witness someone's "bad vibe," they literally are just having a shitty day, or maybe they're in a bad or uncomfortable situation, and you wouldn't know why their vibe is bad, but people aren't 2 dimensional props to be the background characters in your life? So their emotions, and their "vibes" are going to change from time to time?

[imaginaryluci]

I don't want to think, "Oh, yeah, that person was really cute.." ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TALK TO ME.

It's really hard not to idealize someone who was so comfortable to talk to that I wanted to curl up in their lap like a cat and fall asleep.

But is it really idealized if I'm just remembering how I felt talking to them? Or how much I wanted to hear them talk to me about whatever they wanted to talk about?

[imaginaryluci]

I promised myself I wouldn't try to bribe people to be my friend because then I'll only have friends who expect me to pay for things for them, and I'm broke...

But as a person who likes validation, the joy my friends have when I give them something also makes me feel like a cat being patted on the head

^AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RESIST THIS FEELING???

[imaginaryluci]

I'm seeking emotional safety in all the stray cats that curl up in my lap and purr while I ramble on about anything and nothing, and then disappear into the night to never cross my path again, taking pieces of my heart and leaving shards of glass in the place those pieces used to rest.