imaginarysunshine-blog1

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

This is my goodbye letter to you. Since I wasn’t able to truly say goodbye in a proper manner. 

Goodbye. I still love you and I hate myself for that. Loving you honesly just creates anger and frustration now when it used to bring me the utmost happiness. You were a waste of my time, and that is okay. 

You built our relationship upon lies and your own insecurities as well as boredom. The fact that you could cut the cord so abruptly and easily just goes to shows how much you valued me, (and by which I mean not at all).  BUT also that, is okay. 

You not being man enough for me is alright. I need to really come to terms with that. I should actually be grateful that you DID leave. Because it gives me a bit clearer for a vision that.. you were never the one for me. And never could be. 

You were never ready for the passion and love that I brought to the table. 

But the mistake of being with you and falling in love with you just goes to show me that much easier that I should be that much more vigilant about who I let close to my soul. 

I’m fucking great. And I am going to do so many incredible things. And it honestly makes me glad knowing that you will have zero part of it. 

And someday, you’ll see how well I’m doing and realize you fucked up. 

Goodbye.  

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

I’ve been gone for a bit, and actually last time when I was convinced my relationship was over I was wrong. For the first time. I normally am so intuitive and know when things are going to end but... They didn’t. I am really starting to believe that this time is different, and that he really wants to be with me forever. I really do hope so. 

I just want to hop on a plane tomorrow and move there already. Meet his family, get to know them. Explore a whole new world. Try new things and meet new people. I want to be with my sweetheart. I truly never knew that I could love somebody this much. I never knew I could love somebody that would make me want to drop everything that I have ever known to move miles and miles away. I feel like this really could actually work out and I am just in awe of it.  I don’t feel like I deserve this great of a relationship. I don’t feel like anything I have ever done makes me deserving of this magical type of love but fuck am I grateful. I have never been so happy in my life and the closer I get to achieving the goals I have put in front of myself and the more hurdles that I jump over... It just feels so much more worth it. 

I am really fucking excited to see where this life is taking me... I just sure hope it will always include this man of my dreams. 

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

3 am

It’s over. I can feel it. How much you want to bet I’m right?? 

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

10/26/2017

Fuuuuuuck

Today was a really long day.  I woke up at like 8:30, which super sucks because I think I finally fell asleep around 4 or 5 in the morning. Then hurried to get ready which I still looked like I crawled out of a dumpster. Oh well. No one I need to impress on the bus or at work haaaah. SO yeah I got up and out the door around 9:45, walked to the bus stop and got on the bus at 10, then switch buses and got onto the EMX and finally got to work at 11 then clocked on at 11:30. Ew right? I kicked major ass though. But my foot is KILLING me... I should probably really go to the doctor for it one of these days because it doesn’t feel like it should. 

I am having such a hard time keeping a single decent thought so I should probably just quit writing and zone out. 

I just almost spelled writing as righting. 

I can barely write a sentence okay I’m done. But on the real, today was good. k bye

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

I am afraid to be in silence because then my mind goes to really shitty places and then all I can imagine is my failure and my relationship crumbling apart. 

This whole long distance thing is already a lot harder than I expected it to be. It’s not like he can just show up and be here. It’s not like I can lay there next to him and actually feel his love for me. 

Just miles in between us and me worrying that his words are just fake affirmations to make me feel better. 

Why can’t I just let myself trust that this time truly is different and the outcome will be better... That I really will be able to spend forever with him. 

Ugh. No wonder I have a headache. 

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

Random thoughts

So I was looking at old photos from the past couple months. I was looking at photos of me, photos of my “friends” and photos just of basically what I was doing and where I was, all that good stuff. Posts that I had done on various social medias and snapchats that I had saved and not posted...  What I noticed was that it is absolutely amazing how happy and together a person can look when in reality they are entirely losing everything. Losing their grasp on reality, losing money, losing their health (mental and physical), it truly opened my eyes to the way I have been living and the person that I had chosen to become during this past year. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely disgusted with myself. Because I am. I am sickened by the decisions I have made and the situations I have put myself and others in. When I think back to these memories it is almost like I am looking at someone who isn’t even me, because that person really truly IS NOT me. It is almost comical looking at these pictures of myself and looking at myself in the mirror currently because as deep as I was into that awful lifestyle I looked great. I looked in shape. My makeup was flawless. My outfits were cute and put together. My hair looked absolutely amazing. Big ol’ smile and bright eyes. And then I look at myself right now and I’m sweaty (from my walk to the store), my hair is an absolute mess from a combination of needing to shower and wearing a beanie all day, not having any makeup on and my skin is looking less that spectacular. I’ve gained weight which I’m sure no one would ever notice and I am also aware that most people would kill to have my body but I can’t help but just have an absolute sense of self hatred.  How is it that when I am actually doing well, making progress, treating my body well and being genuinely happier... How is it that I look like shit? And then when I am staying up for days on end and doing nothing but drinking vodka and not worried a bit about putting any nutrients in me, railing lines of whatever somebody would put in front of me... And I look so put together and fantastic? It is really twisted. And I know it shouldn’t matter and that I suppose maybe it just takes me putting more effort into it but it does make me kind of feel really odd. 

Needless to say, I am happy. I don’t want to kill myself. I am not masking my true emotions and feelings with drugs or alcohol. I am not taking pharmaceutical drugs from a psychiatrist to try to make sense of my feelings, only to make them all worse. I am not hiding from myself. For the first time for honestly as long as I can remember, I am truly learning how to cope with being the way that I am. I don’t want to put any label on any of the things that I struggle with because honestly I am so tired of giving up and then using those titles as a crutch for me to fall back on, an excuse to be an undesirable way. I obviously have major anxiety and depression but that is not what makes me who I am. That is not something that defines my personality or me as a human. I think in the past I would hit a wall where I was just so overwhelmed and a second away from a panic attack and I would just give up. I would feed into those titles and just let me be yet another mentally ill person who just can’t function normally and can’t seem to do anything for themselves other than to wallow in self pity. I know I am so so so much stronger than that. I am stronger than the anxiety that I suffer with and I am surely stronger than depression that just tries to pull me down. I do not want to stoop down to that level ever again. I can overcome anything. Which being able to say something like that is really an awesome accomplishment because if you were to hear me talk about myself at the beginning of the year I would have just said that I was a fuck up, worthless, wanted to die. I wanted to die SO bad. Which trust me, I know how ignorant and selfish it is to say those things. Everyone who is suicidal knows how ridiculous it is. But that doesn’t change the fact that you feel that way. You can’t just turn it on and off with a switch. It is nothing pleasant. That what is so extremely exciting to me is because for once in my life I am stronger than these thoughts and feelings. I feel like I could really take on the world. 

I just went on a major tangent, my bad. I’m not even sure what point I am trying to make anymore. I haven’t talked to anybody today besides the cashier all day so I feel like I have so much to say. 

More or less, I am so proud of what I have pulled myself out of. I have burnt many bridges and gotten myself into a big mess that I am still untangling myself from but I can say confidently that I am making so much progress. For myself, for my future, for the person I love with all of my heart... I am creating a world around me that is wonderful and I don’t think I have felt a better feeling. 

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

10/25/2017

Update Update: 

I ended up leaving the house and walking to the store. I sort of feel better I guess... I have a pounding headache that persistently will not go away. It’s interesting though because I NEVER get headaches so I have no damn idea why I have one in the first place.  The walk was long. And dark. I took a different way than I usually do because I was figuring out where the bus stop is that I need to get to tomorrow to go to work. I found the bus stop, (pretty quickly so that is nice), BUT then realized the way I took made the store SO far away. It wasn’t too cold out and by the time I got all my groceries in my backpack and walked home I was sweating, so I suppose that is good?? All I know is the whole walking everywhere and riding the bus is already getting pretty old but... We will see how the commute goes tomorrow getting to work on time and everything.  I tried to get some healthy-ish things at the store for snacks/lunches for work and on my way there. I got a couple of odwalla drinks and then some lunchable type things. I also got some bagels and cheese AND I GOT MY PEPSI so. so far so good. We shall see.  I have some other random thoughts going through my head but I am going to leave them for a separate post because uh I already have enough going on here. 

xx

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

10/25/2017

Update:

Probably not going to be able to get out of bed or do absolutely anything because I am not good at wanting to be productive today. 

As badly as I want pepsi and food, I just can’t seem to get myself motivated enough to even move. 

Ugh. 

[imaginarysunshine-blog1]

10/25/2017

  I am absolutely exhausted. Per usual. I actually slept a little bit last night which was a decent change. I only took a little bit of sleeping medicine which I am surprised it even moderately worked. Normally to actually get a decent nights sleep while I’m alone I have to take heavy duty anti psychotic meds to knock me out. My rest was only disrupted by a really shitty nightmare that left me feeling really uneasy ever since I have woken up. 

  My dream was that I was on some type of cruise ship with my boyfriend. We were in a really fancy lounge area sitting up at the bar and drinking what I recall something that looked sort of like either a margarita or Mojito. I know for sure whatever my boyfriend was drinking had lime slices in it. Flat round ones, not wedges. I remember we were sitting there having our drinks and thoroughly enjoying ourselves when all of a sudden the ship became really turbulent and we kept stumbling around and then kept running into the walls. Him and I were slowly trying to make our way to the exit of the bar area, which was extremely hard because of the boat swaying back and forth, so we just kept tripping and falling all over ourselves. When we were getting closer to the exit my boyfriend started to panic and cry. I couldn’t figure out what was going on but he said that he thinks he had been poisoned and that he couldn’t feel his mouth or lips and it was getting harder and harder for him to breathe. I remember I had turned to the bartender that made our drinks and yelled at him asking what he had done. “Why did you do this?! What did you do to him?!” All he seemed to have as a reply for me was a big smirk. I tried to tend to my boyfriend, trying to help him breathe or make him feel better and not panic, which by this point he was beginning to turn blue and really start to choke. He ended up dying shortly afterward and the ship was still swaying aggressively back and forth. I was obviously a real hot mess, distraught and confused. When I had turned around to absolutely freak out to the bartender he was outside the window facing me, with his back against the railing. He still had the huge smile on his face then proceeded to fall backwards and into the water and drown. 

Then I woke up. 

SO needless to say I woke up really uneasy and sad and mournful over the death of my boyfriend in my dream. Considering he has just moved  2,000 miles away I’m sure that my subconscious interpretation of that dream is just me trying to hold on to him and keep him with me although he ended up slipping away. I guess it could have zero relevant correlation to my reality BUT I like to try to think that dreams do have some type of meaning. Sleeping pills surely don’t hold back on giving you absolutely bizarre dreams though that’s for sure. 

Other than just kind of hiding in bed and being depressed unintentionally I suppose it could be a worse day. It is fairly nice out and I’m pretty sure that I need to go out and go for a walk to the store. I need pepsi. And maybe some cheese. I haven’t eaten today besides a couple hershey’s kisses but I know that isn’t sufficient amount of food to keep me going. Nothing even sounds good though and I already feel gross for gaining weight the past few months. I don’t want to let myself go. I’ve always prided myself of not gaining weight and having a good metabolism. I am pretty sure the weight gain is due to the fact that I quit partying. The combination of drugs and alcohol and lack of food I am sure kept me a little slimmer than I needed to be. 

I go back to work tomorrow so that may help me stay more active than I have been. I am excited to go back for the sake of getting money again but also... Super not excited to go back because everyone is a wolf in sheeps clothing. Retail isn’t so bad, and the job itself in my opinion is really easy money. It’s just the people that you are surrounded with day in and day out are more or less awful. Some are nice, I can give them that. It just also seems as if the nicest ones are the ones that are secretly the most drama. A lot of people that I will be around are friends that used to be friends but aren’t any longer. Which is a tad uncomfortable in itself. And the rest of the people are either friends WITH those said people which makes me uncomfortable wondering what they have said about me. And the majority of the rest of the store just probably think all sorts of random things about me that aren’t true. 

I really truly do try to tell myself that I don’t care about whatever they say, And that I don’t need anybody’s opinion or approval but... You always sort of want people to think nice things of you and to be well liked. At least I do. I try my hardest to be a good person every single day and to be somebody that would make the people that I love proud of me. I never stop trying to be the best person I can be for other and mostly myself. BUT I guess you can’t please everybody. The thing I think that bugs me the most is that I haven’t done a single “bad” or “wrong” thing to any of these people. Never. I haven’t been rude or hurtful or cruel in ANY WAY. I guess I really just need to quit caring about it because these are people that I will have zero chance of changing, and even if I could it surely isn’t my fucking job to fix them. 

I just need to get back in there, make as much money as humanly possible, pay off my debts, and move far far far away to my love. 

We can hope... But tomorrow is the start of it all. Day number one.