imcheckingitout

[imcheckingitout]

[imcheckingitout]

If I miraculously got everything I wanted, would I be able to be genuinely happy? I find myself thinking ‘I’ll be happy when…’ but if these things were to actually happen would I feel adequate satisfaction enough to let my previous grievances go?

I’ve been harboring trauma and resentment for so long, even if everything went right, would I be able to put those down?

What I continue to carry is heavy, but if I were to drop it, would enough of my soul remain to finally feel the warmth of this life? Or would I shatter in finally hitting the floor, despite finally glimpsing peace?

[imcheckingitout]

Hey.. it’s been a while. I guess I have more to say now tho.. and this one is really fucking me up. I’m not sure the context for this result but:

It feels so wrong to even admit to myself, let alone say out loud/put it in writing, but I find myself in fits of anxiety and body dysmorphia when it’s been an amount of time since I’ve been sexualized.

Because my sex drive rules so much of who I am, when it’s not catered to or at the very least acknowledged (as it is seldom truly Catered to), I start to not feel like myself. To the point where I want no longer want anyone else to perceive me.

If I’m not what you want or at the very least think about, I don’t know if I have anything else to offer you.

How fucked is that. As a woman, in today’s day & age. That I feel this way. How convoluted.

[imcheckingitout]

[imcheckingitout]

Haven’t had a bad trip mid sex in a While.. sucks it ended up being with them too :/ it was nobody’s fault, I just needed more around when we ended up stopping for the night..

[imcheckingitout]

“So much of what we learn about love is taught to us by people who never really loved us.”

— r.h. Sin

[imcheckingitout]

Result: CNC/Rough Kinks

The Consent part of everything that goes on in the rougher side of the kink world is the Biggest most Mandatory part.

It’s taken me years to even let anybody Touch me again let alone get rough enough that consent check ins are required on top of the blanket preemptive “yes let’s do it.”

I’m grateful for partners I trust enough to give consent to such things as choking, somno, slapping etc now, as I know their intentions are never to hurt me and only to let us all have a good time.

When in Doubt, Ask About!

[imcheckingitout]

Context: Sexual Assault/Trauma ⚠️

August/Early Septembers are always hard for me now. Same with February/Marches.

Stalked, Sexually Assaulted, Kidnapped, Stockholm Syndrome’d, and Almost Killed Twice in a Foreign City.

The Pandemic saved my life.

[imcheckingitout]

Result: Mommy Issues

Part of the reason I am the most subby sub to have ever subbed, is because I do not want any more responsibility than has already been bestowed upon me in this life.

I’ve tested the waters in a singular video call scene in taking on the role of Mommy, and respectfully, it is very much not for me.

After years of consciously trying to be everything my mother isn’t, the last thing I would ever want is to be one- even in play.

That being said, I also feel the only way I would be comfortable in calling somebody else Mommy, is if that’s what really does it for them. Otherwise, I have too much of an internal struggle with the word alone for it to ever naturally roll off the tongue.

Respective titles are always open for discussion though!

[imcheckingitout]

Result: Mommy Issues

“I’m proud of you” “You’ve done well”

When it pertains to bedroom activities, it’s always nice to hear that you’ve done a good job and are worthy of praise.

It’s hard, however, to really internalize it and carry said pride regularly when you’ve only ever snapped at the comments before in a very “I didn’t do it for you” type of way.

That doesn’t stop the craving to hear it again, though.

[imcheckingitout]

Result: Mommy Issues

In already having raised myself and my brother, I do not wish to have kids of my own.

That does not stop the infamous breeding kink, however, from rearing her head to say hi.

I think it is the juxtaposition itself that increases the appeal of said kink. Along with the heightened adrenaline following the moment and the “what if’s,” the fear of the unknown keeps us all at the edge of our seats.

[imcheckingitout]

Result: Mommy Issues

Hyper independence was never an option, it was a necessity.

I have extreme difficulty asking for help of any kind, and an even harder time accepting it as freely given out of love from those closest to me.

The people that love you will actually Want to help you. Not everyone has an ulterior motive.

This has taken me a very long time to unlearn.

[imcheckingitout]

Context: Mommy Issues

The subject of my mother is always sore whenever asked in any capacity. There are several layers regarding why, so she will most likely have several context posts as opposed to my father’s one.

The word that comes to mind with her is “instability.”

We’ve moved 17 times in my 25 years of living. She made a habit of running from her problems.

We moved to California when I was 6. This was already our 4th move.

My mother’s goal was always trying to “make it big,” so that excused her rarely ever being around.

I became the primary caretaker for both myself and my brother, 3 years younger.

[imcheckingitout]

Result: Daddy Issues

In the event of the absent father, naturally the events of the bedroom become more complex.

Calling any dom/top of mine “Daddy” has become second nature to me. The desperate need for approval and constant reassurance is stemmed from the fears of rejection and abandonment that were ingrained at such a young age.

The more depraved/disgusting things I’m willing to do for my dom’s approval, I would imagine correlate to how much I trust that they won’t just get bored and leave one day.

I think I’m gunna sit with this one for a while.

[imcheckingitout]

Result: Daddy Issues

I, like most with typical daddy issues, look for comfort in the male figures in my life. Certain levels of approval that are harder to come by, so to speak.

I’ve always felt that if I kept people at a distance, they would have less power to hurt me since I’m less attached.

Yet all that’s done is feed into my self isolation tendencies, and left me feeling alone/unable to ask for help when I know I need it.

[imcheckingitout]

I think I’ll separate the posts into Context vs Result

Context posts will be facts/tidbits about my life that have ultimately had an effect on my worldview/mentalities over the years, ie cause.

Result posts will be the patterns/behaviors I’ve picked up on in response to aforementioned Context, ie effect.

[imcheckingitout]

Context: Daddy Issues

My mother took my younger brother and I, and left my dad when I was 3. I’ve never really given much thought to him- always denying I ever had any daddy issues in the form of an “absent father,” just bc I was a part of the deciding party to leave in the first place.

It wasn’t until last year- on Fathers Day no less- that I registered he didn’t want his name on our birth certificates, and that’s why the Father section is blank.

Technically, he still left first.