imcomingback

[imcomingback]

29 years is a long time, long enough to learn

29 years. 

That’s a very long time. Of course, those who have been here longer than that are rolling their eyes and already getting their batman-slapping-robin memes ready to chastise me for seemingly implying that I am old… So let me get out ahead of you here and say that I’m not saying I’m old.

I’m just saying that 29 years is a long time.

But that’s how long I’ve been on this green Earth as of today. And like many of the other tens of thousands of days before, this one hasn’t been easy.

The irony is that the difficulties of this April 25th have pretty much no connection to it actually being my birthday. Somewhat surprisingly, I’m not putting myself down for how little career progress I’ve made to this point in my life. I’m not wondering how my stomach got so big or my teeth got so yellow. I’m not questioning my current status in the world.

To summarize, today’s struggles are due simply to this is a busy time for my life. There are a lot of responsibilities and stressors in my corner right now that just happen to have hit at similar times.

Luckily, like I said, 29 years is a long time. And as such, in those tens of thousands of previous iterations, I’ve had plenty of practice for dealing with days like today.

The strange thing about this past year is that, while confessing my depression and suicidal thoughts might make it seem as though it has been a rough calendar, in some ways, it may have been the easiest. Rather, it has been the simplest.

For a large part of this year, I’ve allowed myself to be somewhat liberated from the constant pressure and problem of my expectations for myself. My primary goal hasn’t been to somehow hit a home run and land a job as an ESPN writer. Things like weight loss and saving money have been constant desires, but they haven’t seemed like the end-all-be-all mountains to climb that they were in the past.

No, most of this 29th year on Earth has been about getting myself well. Of course, that process is still far from complete, but on days like today, when my mind and mood seem desperate to create a crater in my ability to function, finding the strength to soldier on, even on tasks that are probably simple and straightforward for most of you, help me to realize that I have actually made some progress.

Do you guys remember that movie “American Beauty?” Stunning film. Despite how Kevin Spacey turned out to be a creep, stunning film. I’m not sure why, but today, I was reminded of the wonderful monologue that Spacey delivers at the end:

I think that as I get older, every day, every year, I relate more and more to what is being said. I found it profound and gorgeous as a teenager, so now that I actually have some real, substantive life experiences, I suppose it makes sense that the weight is greater.

I’ve come to realize over the past year that every little, insignificant, waste of time in my life has its own important place in who I’ve become and, despite my mental problems, one of the few things that I’ve always been confident in about myself is that I am a good person. As such, every stupid thing that is filed away in my brain, like tripping on my way home from a party the night I graduated high school and just laying on the ground laughing and drinking the rain, or the girl I used to kiss in kindergarten who moved away and I never saw again… I should stop now before I end up trying to actually recreate that monologue and inevitably do it poorly. But you get the point; Everything that I am is because of everything that I’ve done. And, to be honest, at least for today, I’m okay with the product.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound cocky. I still have so far to go on this journey, and while I do recognize that I have sort of gone Forrest Gump on you guys for a few months and just been out running around the country with little-to-no-communication, I hesitate to apologize because, like Mr. Gump, it was probably the best thing for me. When I don’t have much change to report, I feel like updating just for the sake of updating is wasting everyone’s time. I suppose today’s entry might somewhat fall under that category, but given the day of the year, the overall state of my mind today, and the “Eye of the Tiger” attitude of my soul in response, it felt fitting.

And thus, I must now return to that list of tasks I’ve been alluding to. As always, thanks for reading, stay well, and 0-0 in tennis; love all.

“It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world.”

[imcomingback]

The Seaweed is Always Greener

I need a new hobby.

I'm feeling pretty shitty today. I can't go into much detail, but essentially I had a pretty major life decision to make this month and I think that no matter what I did, I was going to regret it.

The grass is always greener.

So I find myself swimming around like Arielle in a sea of my own sadness. But after a few hours of processing, I've come back to the conclusion that no matter what your dark, inner voice might sometimes tell you, there's always a way out. In this case, there are two.

The first possibility and/or idea is to get a second job. This is one that I've played around with in the past. The only thing that really gets me down these days is my money situation, or lackthereof. Talley and I are probably moving to the suburbs soon, but not because we want to. There are other changes we've been making as well, but when what I bring in is so paltry, making cuts here and there only does so much. 

Pretty much everything else is gravy on top of that. So, when I'm feeling ashamed about my take-home or stressed about money (Actually not even stressed but just completely lost because I have none to even be stressed about), everything else that would normally not matter, gets me more upset.

Therefore, a second job seems like it would do a lot for accessing the positivity that I get out of productivity while also alleviating that enormous stressor. I've talked aplenty in the past about how I've found productivity, even in things that I would do normally like doing the dishes, tidying up the apartment, or working out, is the best remedy for when my mind goes to dark places. But there are times when I simply don't have the motivation to access those things.

And thus we come to the second possibility, a way to fix the gravy from going bad: I need a new hobby. This is one that I'd really enjoy some help on. The truth is that when I'm feeling shitty, my natural defense mode is to try to lose myself in something. This is usually TV, video games, or eating junk food. None of these things are helpful. Eating junk food ruins my self-image, watching TV just makes me feel guilty afterward for the wasted time, and video games, while usually fun, can also be incredibly frustrating. 

Ergo, we need another option.

So, friends, I ask you, what do you do for fun and/or relaxation when you just need to escape your own thoughts for a bit, but also avoid further mental and emotional landmines? Oh, also, perhaps the trickiest part, it can’t really cost much (or any) money.

I do feel like it's worth noting that, aside from today, I've been feeling very good in recent months. Today is the furthest down I've felt in quite awhile and, as we've noted, there are fully accessible avenues on which to travel towards fixing this. 

For those of you out there also struggling who I haven't talked to in awhile, I hope you're still fighting the good fight. And if not, share with me; lean on me.

[imcomingback]

It’s been 5 months

As of today, it's been 5 months since I stood out on the edge of a bridge, tears in my eyes and desperation in my soul.

Well, technically it's 5 months tomorrow, but it was after midnight, so I'm counting it.

I promised when I started this blog that I would try to be positive, but also be honest. Here we are, an inexcusable amount of weeks after my last entry, with me planning to be quite a bit of both.

To sum up my journey of the last 5 months, we can simply say this: A lot has changed... And a lot hasn't.

Let's start with the good!

I'm happier. I really am. I've been losing weight, I feel like I've been at least a decent contributor at work, I'm relatively happy with my social life and, oh yeah, it's freakin' Christmas time!

Of course, then there's the bad.

I'm still poor, I still feel ashamed with my overall life status compared to others around me, I still struggle to keep myself from comparing myself to those around me, and I still have so much trouble finding the motivation change those things.

I'm not sure what it is that's wrong with me, but for years I was always the kind of person who thought that if I needed to do something - like, really really needed to - I would always get it done. But for whatever reason, when it comes to just making legitimate, necessary life moves, I can't get up the gumption to go forth.

But regardless, we're still certainly in a better place than we were 5 months ago. I mean, I'm literally sitting on a comfy chair, I have an amazing, loving girlfriend and two pretty great cats. I'm watching "Home Alone 2," I have all my Christmas shopping done, and am not terribly stressed about work despite the holidays coming up.

There are a lot of things that I could have done better since I stepped down off that bridge, but there are also a lot that I could have done worse.

This journey, and sharing it with you all, has done a lot to humble me in terms of what I'm capable of doing on my own, what I need help doing, and what I'm just not able to do... At least right now.

My latest attempt at finding a therapist ended in bitter disappointment as my correspondence with them seemed very positive and had me feeling hopeful. But then I found out that my insurance wouldn't cover any of it and the appointments would be far too expensive to be viable.

Still, there are other options out there that I'm exploring. Some close friends have made me aware that there are indeed some free resources out there. I'll let y'all know how those work out.

To those who have continued to reach out to me about their own statuses and my own, I want you to know that even if I'm not updating this blog as much as I should be, I'm still completely open to chatting with you one-on-one anytime. Even the happiest man in the world has bad days and even the most secure woman needs a boost once in awhile. 

Life is about challenges. Challenges are easier when we tackle them together.

Merry Christmas.

[imcomingback]

Chasing (and Finding) Therapy in a lot of Places

Oh look! Here we are. Yet another apology from Geoff about how long it has been since he posted.

It’s just kind of played out at this point, right? So let’s just skip it and get right to what’s actually been going on.

In recent weeks, I’ve had a lot of mood swings. I’ve felt great at times, sad at others, and pretty much everything in between. There have been a lot of strange, uncommon stressors that I don’t anticipate repeating much, so it feels good to at least know that I’m back to the normal issues.It’s kind of like how when you’re sick and you promise yourself that you’ll appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it.

So, lately I’ve been appreciating normal and trying to move what ‘normal’ is in a positive direction. I did finally reach out in a couple of different directions last weekend for therapy. So far, it hasn’t amounted to much though. A place that a friend recommended to me was helpful in getting my health insurance figured out, but unfortunately I wouldn’t be eligible to go there unless I covered my entire deductible for the year and, even then, it would be $130 per session.

So, here’s to hoping that other inquiries lead to more fruitful findings. 

On the other end though, I’ve continued to try to remind myself that therapy, in a loose and almost neutered sense, can come in small doses from a variety of things. 

There’s another little, gentle (Compared to others) battle that I have with myself regarding how to spend my free time. Part of me will never be unconvinced that stress relief comes from chill nights with cats, junk food, TV, video games and other vegetative, no-pressure situations. 

But the other part, which is growing stronger, albeit still with ebbs and flows, continues to learn and impart that the true way for me to find myself at peace is with afternoons like today when I found time for a solid workout, put together a productive day of work, wrote a story that I thoroughly enjoyed working on, and did some cleaning around the apartment. Productivity is the real key to decompressing.

Similarly, I used to think that “Me” time was very important to my mental health. But I’ve come to realize that “Me” time is actually often detrimental. The less nights spent sitting on the couch and binging a show or dying in “Fortnite,” the better. I suppose it’s probably a situation where the whole expression about taking all things in moderation is applicable.

Shifting subjects, today is Halloween, but it’s kind of funny how when Halloween is on a weekend, it feels like the holiday is basically over by the actual day. Of course, that’s fine by me. As you all know, Talley and I have basically been in holiday season mode since probably 2 weeks ago. 

Personally, I’m about as excited for the holidays as I’ve ever been, including when I was 9-years-old and pretty certain that we were finally going to get a Nintendo 64 for Christmas. 

Given my current mental state and the year that I’ve had, there’s nothing that would be more welcome than a general, daily, inherent boost to my mood. That’s something that the holiday season has always provided for me.

Forgive me for the step I’m about to take up on to my soap box, but it’s always been a bit strange to me how early excitement for the season is often met with legitimate hostility. I can’t really think of a reason for it other than simply some loosely-Schadenfreude mission against too much pep and positivity. That’s sort of understandable, I think we’ve all had those moments where we wish that someone, whether it be a friend, family member, or complete stranger, would bring it down a notch or two.

But while I might understand the explanation, it doesn’t make me any more apologetic for my own excitement. The thing about the holidays - and let me be clear that I consider Thanksgiving just as great, if not even better than Christmas - is that, at least for me, it’s simply a time when the general world becomes more positive, more generous, more considerate; in a word: Happier. There’s no cost to it either. It’s not like we’re having to give something up for this innate mood boost, it’s just there for us to bask in and feed off of. Negative energy is contagious, but so is positive energy. This time of year gives us a surplus of it. It’s not about gifts or carols or religion or anything like that. It’s just about that inherent happiness and togetherness. I actually get kind of sad on Christmas morning now because it’s about to be over. The build-up is the best part.

And so, with that in mind, I’m off to watch a Christmas episode of “The Office” and do a little more cleaning before Talley gets home.

It’s a good day today. And I think we’re on the path (Or multiple paths) to more of them.

[imcomingback]

Searching for Ways to be Honest Without Simply Whining

The worst part about trying to be honest as I continue to document my war with myself is that it’s been very difficult to separate actual, real problems from just being reactive.

On multiple occasions I’ve typed up posts that were very full of feelings and honesty, but also were direct responses to specific situations. For example, last Saturday night I was sad because I didn’t have anyone to hang out with. I typed up a post about loneliness and isolation, but didn’t feel comfortable going through with it because it felt like, in a small but still partial way, that I had done so as sort of just a cry for attention rather than an actual honest documentation of part of my condition.

I’ve found myself stuck in that pickle multiple times. Is it honest to take every single situation that sends me down a dark path emotionally and focus on it? Is it actually dishonest to not include such smaller details?

Over the years I’ve become quite comfortable sharing about my issues with the world and that obviously hit a peak this summer, but there are also times when I worry that the sharing simply serves to push people away.

There are self-help guides and advisors out there who tell you to jettison dead-weight in your life; if there are people who are often negative and don’t contribute something meaningful to your life, distance yourself. Sometimes it feels like I’m pushing away people whom I care a lot about by being this open about things. For me, personally, I feel good hearing about others’ struggles and trying to help or at least relate, but I know for others that negativity can soak in like a sponge and be a struggle to be around.

I’ve been thinking about applying to drive for Uber and/or Lyft again lately. It seems like a solid idea at least. On crappy, nothing-to-do nights, I can go out and not only make some money, but also be around people, which is extremely important for my mood.

Heck even just getting a second job at the grocery store next door and working the night shift might be a good idea. In the end, a damn lot of my issues come down to boredom, isolation, and money. Certain second jobs could perhaps alleviate multiple pressure points.

We’ll see I suppose. Go Bucks. Go Brewers. Go you guys.

[imcomingback]

The Heat Wave Continues

It’s been hot lately.

I’ve been hot lately.

I alluded to this in my last entry but it has largely persisted: My temper has been sort of out of control lately.

As I also said earlier, I’m skeptical of if this is me taking to heart what my therapist said about letting the negative emotions out or just actually me feeling plain-old more angry than I used to. It’s interesting because Mr. Therapist told me that letting negativity out would make me a more balanced and happier person, but it sure as hell doesn’t make me feel that way.

Whenever I blow up, even if I’m completely alone and no one sees it, I just feel pathetic and stupid. I think a lot of it goes back to having been shamed in my youth for getting upset over somewhat frivolous things. Those experiences probably did something to develop this mentality I now have that complaining about anything short of being a starving third-world child is stupid. I guess that’s what Mr. Therapist said though: That we’re trained, as a society, to think complaining or being upset is wrong.

But, of course, the extreme opposite is also not okay.

So hopefully I’ll find that happy medium soon. Interestingly, I seem to have a much better time controlling my emotions when I’m with people. Outside factors and variables actually help to regulate me. Being alone with myself is what can cause turmoil. My therapist was a Buddhist after all, so yeah I’m imagining all of this is essentially me trying to find the Middle Way (Look, I remember a something about a report I did in Mr. Ost’s Asian Studies class).

I decided after my last entry that I’m going to try to focus more on my mental state in this blog and not so much on just a summary of what’s going on in my life. I suppose the summary can perhaps help to explain my status, but it also ends up sounding, to myself, like I’m pathetically trying to justify everything.

On my good days, I realize that I don’t need justification. I’m fucked up, but I’m also still a good, kind person overall. The only person I’d ever harm is myself... Not that that’s ideal, but it’s pretty good compared to some.

I’m starting to feel like I’m at a pivotal point in this battle. The rebound from my hitting rock bottom in late-July is completely gone and I’ve fallen below the height of the court again. Still, I’m nowhere near where I was. But certainly the negativity has begun to fully fester again.

It’s going to be important for me to snap out of this angry mood I’ve been in for weeks and make some progress on something... anything.

Productivity makes me feel better than pretty much anything. What kills me (or almost did) is feelings of being lazy. When I don’t workout, when I don’t feel that I’m doing well at my job, when I sit around playing video games, when I spend money that I don’t have, those are the things that send me into the downward spiral.

Yesterday I felt lame in some aspects of my life, so I cleaned the apartment a ton (the fridge was so gross) and worked out and even though I eventually felt crappy again later, the positive me had something to say back when the asshole me reared his ugly head.

So, something needs to happen - I need to make something happen - to snap me out of where I am. Because, honestly, the last four weeks have felt like a complete blur of treading water and slowly sinking.

Sorry if this entry ended up being a bummer, but I wrote it in a way to try to light a fire under my own ass.

Once again, I want to give a shoutout to those of you who continue to come to me to talk about the issues that you share with me.

Misery loves company. And, though it may be scary, so does anger.

Thanks again to all y’all (Is “all y’all” redundant?). As I said, the darkest moments come when I’m alone. Every moment that any and all of y’all are in my lives is special and appreciated.

[imcomingback]

Warm Outside, Hot Inside

It’s been kind of a rough week.

I’m not entirely sure why, but I’ve found myself extremely irritable and angry this week. Not overall mind you. Overall, I’ve been pretty happy and content this week. I’ve been productive at work, excited about fall, happy to see Bane and River getting along better, and overall positive.

But little things have gotten to me too. I’ve been prone to going from happy or average-at-worst to full on angry quite quickly. 

This is something that’s been interesting to me since I had those appointments last month. My therapist told me that it’s important to let things like sadness and anger out so that you’re not bottling them up. It makes sense, but at the same time, if it means being outwardly negative and alienating people around you, I’m not sure if it’s worth it.

In actuality, I’m probably overthinking all of this. My extra irritability this week has probably been mostly owed to poor sleeping habits, not working out enough, or something else that I can fix or at least bandage.

I’ve continued to have people reach out to me in recent weeks to tell me their own stories of dealing with depression or mental health issues and I must say that each and every one helps me - just as I hope my own ongoing story helps them - to realize that we’re not alone and we’re not freaks.

It’s very interesting because, other than my own negativity, things have actually been pretty great lately. The Brewers are in the playoffs, the crisp weather is nice, and the cats are becoming friends.

On a side note, I’m not allowed to actually express an opinion as per my employer’s edict, but this Kavanaugh stuff this week, especially today, has been crazy. “House of Cards” and “The West Wing” probably couldn’t have produced drama the likes of which we’re seeing in real-life D.C. right now.

Bit of a short entry, but I guess I just don’t have much to say. That’s probably why I haven’t updated for awhile as well. But anyway, just wanted to drop by while I had a few minutes. 

Keep fighting, y’all. Keep coming back.

[imcomingback]

The Confessions of a Broken, but Healing, Man

What's this!? Two updates in one week? 

This one is probably going to be what the last one should have been; less ranting and more actual relevance to my current situation. Probably. At least that's what I'm aiming for. Sometimes I go off on random tangents though. And by sometimes, I mean often.

So, I inquired with HR at my company and straight up told them that I have struggled with depression for a long time and have had trouble with the motivation to figure out how to get help. I kind of regretted being that up front since I have this constant paranoia that admitting my struggles to someone in such a position will result in my health insurance being more expensive or even the company thinking I'm too much of a risk and laying me off or something.

But, I'm pretty sure that's just me being stupid. So, I asked them to help me with the process. They gave me a phone number for the insurance folks. Super personal touch. But hey, they at least included a line that was something like "I hope things improve." I at least tried to take the first step! We'll see how Future Geoff handles the next one. It's funny, I say "Future Geoff" sort of sarcastically, but it's not really a joke. I often feel like I have split personalities. Talley says that that's not the case at all and she has a Masters Degree in Psychology, so I'm inclined to believe her. But I don’t know, I have this constant voice in my head telling me bad things; that I suck, that I'm a failure, that I'm a burden... That I should give up. A lot of my days seem to come down to a battle between me and the asshole within.

At this point, I want to give a shoutout to my friend Roberta, who, years ago, gave me the best piece of advice I've ever heard. We all do self-talk, and we're all overly-harsh with ourselves I think, but Roberta told me that when you're critiquing yourself, imagine that you're talking to a friend and not yourself. We're all so much more rude to ourselves than we would ever be to someone we care about. If Talley or Greg or Dylan or John or any of my other friends - even River or Bane - ever came to me and said that they felt like they sucked or they were lame or whatever, I would be so freakin' supportive to the point of being forceful probably. But when I'm talking to myself, Sad Geoff says something like that and Angry Geoff just responds "Yeah. You're right. You fucking suck and you know it." But, since I got that advice, I've managed to break through more often and instead have a third voice that says "No, hey. Stop. You're doing fine." Sometimes it gets drowned out, lately it's been getting overpowered, but I know to at least let it speak. So to get back to the main point, from like five paragraphs ago, no I probably don't have split personalities. We all do self-talk and we're all very harsh on ourselves. But I'm so mean to myself that it spawns those thoughts that I legitimately have two personalities. It's sort of a scary idea, but at the same time it would almost be comforting if it was true; then it wouldn't really be "me" saying the terrible things to myself.

Anyway, these are all things that I'm sure I'll get to flesh out when I eventually figure out the therapy thing. Shoutout to my last therapist for definitely helping me, but we were never in a "traditional," or perhaps cliche therapy environment where I'd get to just vent these kinds of concerns. So, that's where I am right now. I told you guys that I would try my best to be positive, but I also promised to be honest. This is more the latter. I've been feeling very run down the last few weeks. I guess that's what happens when you have, like, four different enormous events at the start of your summer and then nothing for months. I got to see an amazing person in one of my best friends, Matt, get married to an amazing person in Maritza while also seeing the amazing city of Boston in April. 

I got to spend a week fulfilling a longtime dream of visiting Seattle, riding the Great Wheel with the love of my life, hiking to the waist-deep snows of Mt. Rainier, and overall falling in love with a region of the country that I had always been infatuated with from afar, in early May.

I got to watch two of my best friends ever in John and Emily tie the knot in the place we all met, Ripon College (which did not at all restrict a 9/11 memorial) in late-May. And I got to head across the pond and see Buckingham Fucking Palace, Winchester Fucking Abbey, the Fucking Royal Observatory, the Thames, and FUCKING Wimbledon and FUCKING Serena Williams in June/July.

So, naturally, the months after that spree were going to feel shitty. But the thing is that today felt good at first. I woke up, I worked, I got the cats to sort of tolerate each other through the bribes of food and treats, and then I was productive as hell at work. I even helped out with a story in actual Milwaukee and not just the suburbs which helped to make me think that maybe my more experienced co-workers wouldn't just think of me as a dead-weight millennial who is clearly next on the chopping block for layoffs. Everything was good. And then, a bunch of little things happened. The cats started fighting, the day got less productive, I randomly saw myself in the mirror and thought I had gained weight, and my friends and I got into some pointless argument that ended up actually resulting in legitimate anger. So, when Talley came home, while I had been a bubbling fountain of positivity at 3 p.m., she found a husk of a human playing "Fortnite" and not even being mad, but being just sad and dejected with every death. It's amazing how quickly moods can turn. Or at least how quickly mine can. But, I did find that while other things turned and made me upset, the fact that I had at least been productive work-wise today sustained me through the other strife. No, I wasn't happy. But I was okay. The self-talk; the voice, tried to talk shit. But I had a solid rebuttal this time. The moral of this story is how quickly a small thing can change the mood of a person as insane as me. Does that sound harsh? I don't care, I'm willing to own it: I'm insane. Anyone who legitimately thinks about throwing themselves off of a bridge is insane. The natural priority of any living being, whether it be a human with mental struggles, a gazelle fleeing from a cheetah, a fly fighting to break free from a spider's web, or a cat hissing at another cat in a one-bedroom apartment, is to survive. And so to legitimately defy that natural instinct and consider destroying your own survival? That is certainly insane.

The Brewers beat the Cubs at least, and Talley and I ate pizza and wings for dinner. So the night ended well. Overall, here's the summary of the last few weeks and this entry which ended up being (Sorry) just as cringey, awkward, negative, and rant-filled: We have a long way to go. 7 weeks ago, when I pledged to you guys that I was coming back, I meant it. I still do. But it's going to be a harder and longer road than I expected. I thought that I could rally, fight, and sort of just get back to the happy-go-lucky person I was as a kid... No such luck. But I will get back. I promise that I'm trying. I promise. And I've never tried harder at any single thing in my entire life. Be patient with me; I'm still coming back.

[imcomingback]

The Things that Should and Shouldn’t Matter

Hey y'all Another entry and another apology for how long it's been. Believe it or not, saying that you're going to try to be a champion for people battling depression and then actually doing it are different things. But I'm still, really, really trying to do it. So here's another attempt.  A pretty decent amount of things have happened since the last time I posted: I overcame a stressful week of work, I figured out a few stupid adult things that I had never had to deal with before, I acquired more credit card debt, I still am not very good at "Fortnite," I adopted another cat, and the Bears still suck.

So to the last point, let me first say that that game was hilarious. But also, on a slight tangent, I should give a sad confession: I shouldn't play Fantasy Football anymore. Most players will agree that while there are certainly skill and knowledge elements that go into it, it is about 80 to 85% luck. And as Talley and others close to me can confirm, nothing upsets me more than coming out on the wrong side of something that is luck-based.

And yet I keep playing every year because it is definitely fun... until it isn't. But isn't that what life is about; enjoying the ride until it gets too bumpy? Then you either fall off, or you hang on and keep on going. But when you’re like me and the slightest bump can completely derail your mental and emotional states, it might not be worth taking another drive that you know won’t be on a smooth road. So who knows, maybe I'll retire after this year. Perhaps better coping skills will help me to better enjoy the highs and better handle the lows.

To continue in reverse order of the list of things I went through before, yes, Tal and I ended up being the ones to take in the adorable cat that my brother and his fiancée could no longer keep. 

They brought him over last week. We kept him and River separate for a few days to let him adjust and establish some level of comfort in the bedroom.

On Saturday, we opened the door and it went relatively as expected: He wanted to explore, but was afraid of her. To River's credit, she has been an angel to the point that on multiple occasions last night he walked right past her as she sat still before he eventually realized she was there and panicked. I think she actually wants to be friends with him, but it's clearly going to be a long process. The main concern is making sure that he doesn’t hole up under a piece of furniture or something like he’s done before. I was up until about 3 a.m. Sunday night (Monday morning) trying to coax him out from under a chair where he spent most of the day. He eventually came out Monday morning and hasn’t spent extended time under there since, so I’m tentatively hopeful. Still, while I'm worried about the integration, he has brought a ton of new positive energy into my life and I feel rejuvenated with him around. Also, his name is Bane, and thus I have had a ton of fun imagining him talking in the voice of Tom Hardy from "The Dark Knight Rises." Still, I must admit that while his presence has been wonderful, it has also given new ammunition to the little demonic voice in my head; the creeping, tiny, but constant, concern telling me that somehow him living here won't work out. It makes me sad and scared that my days with this wonderful ball of fluff could potentially be numbered. But that's the same voice that also has told me so many other terrible things, so what the fuck does it know? You didn’t beat me before and you won’t beat me now. As for the rest of the things, they don't seem worth addressing. They're boring and stupid and overall uninteresting.  I guess this entry turned out to be more like a rant about things so apologies for that. But Bane is a shining light on my life right now, so that's a nice, positive part of this entry at least!

On a very different note, Autumn is in the air and between the crisp, cool air, the strangely pleasant smell and sounds of the leaves, and Thanksgiving being the best holiday of the year, that's definitely a reason for optimism.

Finally, I would be remiss to not make mention of what day it is. 17 years already, it’s crazy to think about that. For all the terror, tears, and tragedy of that day, I still admire the way that the country pulled together and united afterward. I wish we could get back to that. 

Life is meant to be a challenge I think. Whether it's dealing with the political strife in America, Fantasy Football, "Fortnite," introducing two cats, or just making it through one difficult week of work after another, we're meant to leap, or at least climb, or at least struggle, over hurdles.  There are plenty more in sight, but already plenty behind. 

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So I have a confession to make.

The only reason I continue to update this blog is because I promised y'all that I would.

I'm starting to get back into a pretty mediocre standard of living to be honest.

My work has given me notice that my articles don't get enough clicks and so I'm going to have to change things up going forward. That's fine; they're right, but it's just another thing to haunt me in my solitary moments. But, perhaps my work will start to feel more fulfilling or even important with the changes. So there is a positive side, I just have to find a way to make sure I consistently look on it.

The work stress, combined with the constant money concerns, lack of career or life-in-general opportunities, and the general feelings of inadequacy are a growing weight that make my shoulders weary just thinking about.

It's been awhile since I didn't take time off after Labor Day. I usually would take the week after off for a staycation, but for whatever reason, I didn't think it was worth it this year. I have less available time off in 2018 because of all the traveling we did of course, but it's also partially due to the fact that taking a week off at my job often just means doing twice as much work the week before. I just wasn't feeling up to that.

Speaking of traveling, Talley and I are talking about going to Australia. I've also gotten offers from dear friends to crash with them in both Korea and back in London, so that's kind of exciting. Of course, money... but hey what did God invent credit card debt for anyway?

Sorry that my thoughts are a bit scattered here. It's been a bit of a rough last week or so.

One hopefully cool thing coming up is that Tal and I are going to try to adopt Bane, the adorable cat that my brother and his fiancée unfortunately cannot keep (That’s him licking my forehead).

The last time we had another cat in the apartment, River did not react well at all and the other cat ended up sort of bullying her. But with Bane being so sheepish, I'm hoping that's not the case again. We also have gotten some more advice on integrating them, so fingers crossed! It would be pretty wonderful to have him. Coincidentally, they're even the same age. Hope y'all are ready for twice as many cat pictures and stories...

Anyway, that's what's up. I still haven't found a new therapist. I've been continuing with the meditation though and I think that it has continued to be helpful.

It's amazing how depression can be such a vicious circle. I don't like my life, but I lack the motivation to fix it, and then I further dislike myself for not having motivation. It's a cycle of self-blame and self-hate.

But I’m still here and I’m still swimming, so that’s a start.

To go back to the beginning of this post, let me say that I don’t actively dislike updating this blog. It’s somewhat therapeutic in itself just to know that I’m accepting and voicing both the good and the bad.

Oh well. Soldier on one day at a time.

Soldiers today. And tomorrow.

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Weight Loss, a Birthday, and Half a Dozen Cats

Hey there, ho there, hi there. Sorry that it’s been awhile. Things have been a bit hectic and also a bit stressful. First of all, I want to, once again, wish my girlfriend Talley a Happy Birthday. We had a wonderful weekend eating steak that we can’t afford, going to the zoo with friends, drinking Whiteclaw, and going to brunch. The credit card took another hit... but she’s worth it. It’s been a week and a half since my last therapy appointment and I must admit that I haven’t done as much as I should to make my next one, whether it be with the same guy or not. This is the issue that I had with getting help in the first place: A lack of motivation to actually do the research and figure out who is in my network, if there would still be a co-pay, what exactly my plan covers, etc. Using my job’s EPA was pretty easy because all I had to do was make one phone call. Anyway, I promise I’m going to get to it soon, but I said I’d be honest, so I’m being honest. In other news, I’m experiencing a bit of the stress that homeowners must feel for the first time this week. Flash flood warnings have been issued for today and tomorrow and I’m taking care of my brother and his fiancée’s cats while they are in Savannah. As such, I’m also sort of responsible for making sure that the house doesn’t burn down or something. Greg told me that the basement does tend to leak, so I’m hoping it doesn’t get too bad. I brought up all of the cats’ essentials from down there at least. Speaking of, those cats are freakin’ adorable, but man are they a handful. Six cats and almost all of them have extremely different personalities. One is quarantined in the upstairs bedroom because she has a cold. Another is quarantined in a different bedroom because two of the others don’t get along with him. Two of them are pretty chill. One is an absolute diva who just demands attention but then hisses at you when you give him attention. And the last one is used to being able to go outside but I can’t let him because someone likely won’t be around when he wants to come back in. But they are adorable, that’s for sure. Also, Greg and Liz have a scale in their bathroom and I found out yesterday that I’m under 150 lbs for the first time in at least four years, maybe even six-ish. After hovering around 160 for the last two years or so, it feels great to have actually taken another step down! I can’t help but notice that the loss has come since I tried specifically to cut down on beer :-P So that’s been the last week or so... Planning birthday stuff, procrastinating more therapy, taking care of cats, and getting a boost to my body image for the first time in years. Overall good, but we can do better :-)

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A tough week, but up to the test

Good evening!

Talley made steaks and broccoli-cheddar soup, so this is about to be pretty awesome.

For now though, I’ve got a few minutes to spare so I figured it would be a good chance to post an update.

To start, let me be honest in saying that I’ve been a bit down this week… Not anywhere near the depths of depression that I’ve experienced many times, but just not feeling very optimistic about things. I suppose everything has ebbs and flows.

But fortunately I’ve at least managed to have a somewhat productive work week, although I did screw something up yesterday. It wasn’t irreparable though, and I hopefully am set up to at least not have to be dreading Monday over the weekend.

I had what may be my last appointment with my therapist yesterday. It was probably the most casual of the three visits. We mostly just chatted about life philosophies and things. I did a bit more meditation, with less prompting from him this time, and it was overall a productive session I think.

Unfortunately, he’s not in my insurance network and, to be honest, I’m not quite sure if it’s the right fit for me anyway. He is a nice guy who seems to know his stuff, but when I first got into this through my Employee Protection Agreement, it was made clear to me that the three sessions were meant to have the ability of solving my issue. In all honesty, I knew that three appointments wouldn’t help me, but I wanted to see someone and the idea of getting to do so a trio of times for free seemed stupid to pass up.

So, moving forward, with the idea of meditation and listening to all sides of myself, I do think that I’ve gained some valuable insight and coping abilities from these past three Wednesday visits. There’s more work to be done, but at least maybe a bit less than there was three weeks ago.

I’ve heard from a number of you since I made my declaration from the side of the bridge about your own struggles with anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems and I just wanted to take the time to say that you are all important people.

This blog isn’t just for me, it’s for you too. So on days when the world seems harsh or nights when the silence is unbearable, just remember that there are a lot of us out there fighting this fight. Don’t be afraid to come to us when the endurance waivers.

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Good evening friends!

It has been a hot minute hasn’t it? For the record, by the way, I would like to post an imaginary poll here asking what you guys think the phrase “hot minute” means. I honestly have heard it used to describe both a long amount of time and a short amount of time.

Long example: “Oh man, it’s been awhile. I haven’t seen you in a hot minute!”

Short example: “I’m right down the street, I’ll be there in a hot minute!”

Some friends and I literally had this discussion last weekend and even Google could not help us in figuring out which is correct.

But I digest. And digress. And detest. And distress. 

Actually not the last one. The first three are true. I’m eating a cookie, going off topic, and am pretty much always in a constant state of hating on LeBron James.

But, no. No distress.

I met with my therapist for the second time last night and it went well once again. For the most part, we talked about how he thinks my early childhood development may have been stunted during my pre-adoption infancy and it has, in his words, caused me to not have as much trust in “existence” as I otherwise might. He references Eric Erickson’s 8 stages of life (Or something like that) quite often, which I do know is a legitimate thing, so maybe he’s on to something?

Anyway, as some of you may recall, about two years ago I had the epiphany that I wanted to meet my birth mother. For those of you who might not know, I was adopted as a 4-month-old infant. My birth mother was a single mom who gave me up so that I could have a better life. 

As a slight side note: For those of you looking for a damn good read, this is the first-person article that made me inspired to pursue the idea in the first place: http://www.latimes.com/local/la-me-c1-korean-adoption-20130830-dto-htmlstory.html

Anyway, Mr. Therapist thinks that I should consider looking into that again and, even if I don’t get to meet my birth mom, at least prioritize visiting Korea and forming a legitimate connection with it. It all sounded good (Until he also suggested that I could even go to the border and see if they would let me into North Korea, which is how you end up branded as an American spy and in an internment camp I’m pretty sure).

The rest of the appointment was pretty similar to the previous one. We did more self-guided meditation and he had me call another “meeting” of all my different selves. This time, pretty much only the angry side of me showed up, and he wasn’t even that pissed, he just needed to vent a little bit about something and then he was off and we had an empty room, which felt pretty amazing. 

Aside from therapy, I can honestly say that I still have been feeling consistently great ever since my trip to the bridge. I thought that that might just be an initial bounce back feeling; the farther you fall, the higher you rebound, but the positivity hasn’t really faded at all. The stressers remain of course: Unfulfilled career, unfulfilled bank account, unfulfilled abs, you know, the normal stuff; the kinds of stuff that you can always be reminded of without reason or rationale... But despite those things being omnipresent, there’s constant positives as well. You all, for instance.

So that’s what’s been up lately. We’re still feeling good, guys and gals. Thanks for reading.

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I promise, you will find out why a picture of George Takei is the subject of this post. And it’s not racist. Actually, maybe it is... Just a little though. In a nice way.

So overall, my first therapy appointment? That wasn’t what I expected at all. 

I have to give therapists credit, they seem to know that basically everyone who goes in there is skeptical and they almost seem to thrive on it. Kind of like Kobe Bryant loving hitting a big shot on the road more than at home, they love to shut up the haters. 

First of all, I was meeting this guy at his house instead of at an office, so that immediately changed my perception going into this first session. Secondly, when I got there, he asked if I’d be okay with sitting outside. So instead of the original expectation of a man in a suit, with a notebook, sitting on a chair you’d expect to see in Frasier Crane’s apartment that Kelsey Grammer would oh-so-pretentiously explain the ergonomics of, I had a guy in a white tee-shirt with a logo on it sitting in a lawn chair. 

We started somewhat predictably, with him asking me about my struggles, about last Friday, my life, etc. 

One of the primary points that I took away from this evening was something that I’ve sort of known for a long time, but never really said out loud: My depression is largely caused by me constantly repressing the negative side of me. The analogy that the guy (am I allowed to use his name? Does that confidentiality thing go both ways?) used to explain it is to not imagine the “good” you and the “bad you as a duality, but rather as all equally important, separate parts of your whole being; instead of having the happy side of you sitting on one side of a table and the negative on the other, imagine a round table. But the issue with that round table is that I’ve been keeping certain parts of me - Most notably Sad Geoff and Angry Geoff - locked out of a lot of those small council meetings. And so when they’re finally able to burst in, they immediately seize control. 

We chalked this tendency to repress Sad Geoff and Angry Geoff to two things. The first is simply that in society, we’re taught and encouraged to only present our best selves; repression becomes a natural expectation. But in my case, I also finally said something that I think I’ve also always known but never accepted: My personality shifted when I was a teenager. You see, like many others, I went through an emo stage. I blogged about how hard life was, I listened to Yellowcard constantly, I used My Chemical Romance lyrics as AIM away messages... You know the story. 

I was bullied about it in high school. As it turns out, I soon found myself not having very many people to hang out with. From that point on, I decided to never be the glum guy that no one wants to hang out with again. I decided to be the happy, fun person that people wanted to have around. And then, inevitably, I overcompensated. And then, I kept overcompensating for, like, another 10 years. 

And here we are. 

Anyway, the majority of my session wasn’t the kind of pointed questioning that I had expected. Most of the time rather was spent in guided meditation. My therapist had me imagine that round-table meeting with everyone invited. How were they interacting? He asked. The answer? Not much. Probably indicative of the fact that the different parts of me aren’t really used to interacting. 

Eventually, he had me imagine myself as an old man and as a small child - What would I say to each? 

First of all, I want to shamelessly admit that when imagining myself as an old man, I pictured George Takei. I am not at all ashamed of how overly-optimistic that is about my future aging process. 

But in all seriousness, it overall turned out to be a very productive exercise. Angry Geoff started off lecturing Young Geoff, Excited/Hype-y Geoff was pestering Geoff Takei with questions, and Sad Geoff was just listening. By now the round-table room has transformed into one of those bright, white rooms that movie characters are always in when they’re having a flashback or a near-death experience. 

 In the end, I noticed that everybody, all parts of Geoff, started to get along better. Angry Geoff ended up interacting adorably with Young Geoff, and everyone was sad to see Old Geoff go. 

I know it sounds so strange and cliche, but there were a couple times when I felt my closed eyes well up, like when my therapist had me imagine Old Geoff wrapping his arms around me and telling me everything was going to be okay. 

Anyway, sorry if this all went on too long, but I promised to share my journey with you guys and I honestly think that’s part of my motivation and feeling of accountability in making sure that I stay on the comeback. 

Chalk today up as a success. A surprising one.

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Making Calls

Well, I at least followed through.

Lord knows that I should have made that call a year ago or even more, but after years of putting off therapy and counseling, I’ve finally reached out to a real professional and hopefully will have something scheduled soon.

It’s funny to recant how I’ve managed to NOT get to this point yet.

Initially, when I finally accepted that I was struggling with depression, I think that part of me had that cliche stigma about counseling and therapy and that it wasn’t for me because I didn’t need it. The truth is that I pretty quickly realized that I needed it, but the main thing that has kept me from doing it is a lack of motivation... And, in my opinion, some flaws in the system.

You see, I don’t think that it should take a week or two or whatever to get something scheduled. Someone seeking counseling generally is in the midst of, or just experienced, some sort of crisis or episode, and not being able to instantly access professional help is a mistake. A friend of mine was explaining to me that it’s to help keep people from abusing the system and making knee jerk reaction appointments just for having a bad day. I suppose that makes sense to me, but I guess, as a human being, I think that 100 wasted appointments is worth saving one person who is in danger of doing something terrible. It’s not even just about self-harm, there are plenty of people who go out and hurt others who could have also perhaps benefited from professional help.

Anyway, rant over. I’m sure that there are other aspects to this that I’m unaware of that would explain why things are the way that they are, but regardless of whether my reasons for not seeking help are completely nonsensical, that is the reason.

But, we’ve finally gotten to the point where I’ve recognized that I need to jump through those hoops and experience those inconveniences and annoyances in order to start my journey back to the better person that I once was.

The comeback is still on.

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I suppose this is a pretty perfect Sunday: Rainy and cool outside, so we’ve been able to throw the windows open and set our oven to clean without roasting ourselves in the apartment.

Talley even made soup, so it might as well be a crisp autumn day as oppose to one in mid-July. 

So overall I’d have to say things are going quite well today. I’ve still been feeling great ever since getting down the other night, the things that irritate me haven’t been doing so very much and I’ve been able to stay quite positive.

There’s certainly a bit of stress in the back of my mind because I think Monday and Tuesday at work are going to be pretty tough, but it’s not like difficult days are the end of the world. One thing I always try to tell Talley when she’s stressed about something is that in her life there have been hundreds of times when she probably thought she couldn’t handle something and the amount of times that she has actually failed to handle it? Zero.

I try to follow that same advice myself, but it’s amazing how self-talk always seems less credible than when you’re giving the same inspiration to others. Regardless, I’m sure that through a combination of my own efforts, and things rarely being as bad as they seem, things will work themselves out.

Happy Sunday, y’all! 

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Because we all need more kittens in our lives.