iminthecloudnine9

[iminthecloudnine9]

To My Youth

By Ahn Ji-young  

At some point, I used to wish I would disappear from this world The whole world seemed so dark and I cried every night Will I feel better if I just disappeared? I was so afraid of everyone’s eyes on me During those beautifully beautiful days, I was in pain I hated myself for not being able to receive love My mom and my dad, they’re only looking at me It’s not how I really feel but I keep getting farther away What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? The saying time is medicine was really true for me As the days went by, I really got better But sometimes, when I’m too happy, I’m afraid I’ll be in pain again I’m afraid that someone will take away this happiness Those beautifully beautiful memories were so painful I was hurting and hurting but the pain wouldn’t go away My friends, all these people, they’re only looking at me This isn’t how I really am but I keep getting farther away But still, maybe I can be A bright light in this world Maybe after all of that pain I can shortly shine a light So I couldn’t give up I couldn’t fall asleep peacefully for a single night Because maybe if I keep trying to get up like this I will find myself How painful must it have been? How painful must it have been? How high must my hopes have been?

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I’m actually in the brink of giving up

It’s exactly 7:10 pm right now. My parents are both watching the news in the tv. Music was playing while I was typing this. Ahhhhhh another day is going to pass. Have I done anything productive today?

It’s been a while since I last wrote an entry here. During those times, a lot has happened. The reason I’m writing tonight is because I can’t contain the feeling that I have for the last months. I continuously find job at a daily basis actually. I’ve been to several job interviews but somehow I still can’t find one.

Last Saturday, I had a job interview at a big hospital. A day before my interview, I was briefed that the chief dietitian will be the one to interview me. I was thinking a lot of things the moment I received the message I got an interview but one thing is certain for me, I have to make this happen. I have to get the job.

One of my friend had been interviewed and already took an exam at the same company that holds the dietary department of that hospital. We’re both currently unemployed at the moment but luckily I also got the chance to be screened. She gave me tips on how the interview will go. She also gave me the outline of the exam and some of the questions that she can recall. I was so determined to pass this that’s why I reviewed my past notes and read also my board exam reviewer. I do practice and all. 

The interview day was a complete mess. I was asked the basic questions about my profession but I couldn’t even give a proper answer. I did try my best to calm my nerves during the interview. I was so disappointed with myself that day. Students could’ve give a better answer and nailed it. The next part of that day got even worse. Ten minutes before my interview my shoes fell off, I was panicking and I had to think quickly to fix my shoes. Then convenient store inside the hospital doesn’t have a stock of their super glue. I thought of buying a tape even though it would look ridiculous but I WAS SO DESPERATE. I was about to pay for the tape when I saw the chewing gum at the counter. BAM. CHECKMATE.

It wasn’t a good idea though. I was ashamed that I thought it would work. Imagine what I had to go through with broken shoes while being interviewed by a CHIEF DIETITIAN. 

I was on my way home when the second misfortune happened. I rode the wrong jeep. I had to walk for almost 20 minutes to ride another jeep, get off and walk again because there are no fucking jeep available. I was on the verge of crying while walking in the middle of sticking hot weather. I feel empty and useless.

It’s already 8:59 pm, we already had our dinner and the dishes are done. My mum is getting ready to sleep. My eyes are all blurry and wet. I still feel empty and useless. When will this end?

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I thought it wouldn’t matter after so many years. The pain is still lingering though. This is one heck of  a work of putting the pieces back together.

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I’m actually having the best night of my life in here. I clearly remember how my heart pounds and envy people who had their tix ahead of time. Luckily, we were able to bought concert tickets at a very cheap price, like literally. We had a VIP access and wow nobody knows we’ll get this far.

This was the first international concert that I ever have and imagine my joy being in the VIP section. Profoundly awesome, wooow no words can ever describe what I felt that night it’s just pure awesomeness! One ok rock, you really rock!!! Hope to see you again <3

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By this time I should’ve felt something. I want to, but it’s merely all in my head. I thought maybe if I wasn’t that careless, just maybe, I’m not in this point of my life. I wanna feel angry, jealous and I want to feel hurt. I’m really helpless right now. I feel numb. It’s like I’ve been through this but no.

The moment someone finally choose who he wants to be with, it’s game over to the other person who think they could be together. No matter how hard I think about wanting happiness, I just couldn’t help look on how my life have become so pointless and unmeaningful. 

[iminthecloudnine9]

These past few days, I have been very emotional. I don’t even know why but everything annoys me. 

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Soon the people who you thought would be there for you will all be gone. I binge. And cringe. Every freakin time. The part where you almost lose yourself reminds me of how restless and incompassionate you are. The noise and the strangers that filled my empty and lifeless rotten life soon gave me a sneak peak of bliss. I momentarily forgot the excruciating pain that’s been burdening me since that moment.

[iminthecloudnine9]

I’m in the process...

I’m starting to have something that I didn’t want to have. This might bring joy or disaster to me. I’m trying to choose and focus on what I really need, what I really want. I know this sound sucks, but for the I don’t even know when time, I feel like I’m blooming again. I kinda’ want this but I feel horrible at the same time knowing that I might end up hurting myself again. 

I freak and blast whenever this idea pop. I don’t even know what to do. I mean no one would ever understand this since it’s a very ridiculous idea. Damn it.

[iminthecloudnine9]

Been inactive here in tumblr for a while. But yeah, a lot of things had happened, too many that it’s merely swirling in my head. Ugh. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I just don’t understand how and why do I feel down every time I’m being put aside. I mean, I should be used to it because I can’t offer them anything beneficial, but it’s so disheartening. 

I just want to be someone who can express who they really are. I have fucked up at life, but I think I can still change everything ahead of me it’s just that great timing doesn’t seem to favor me at all. 

[iminthecloudnine9]

Sometimes you gotta care less to see if they will care more.

(via kaliforhnia) 

[iminthecloudnine9]

Ako unang nag-like ng dp ni crush bye~~~~ 

[iminthecloudnine9]

Guilt they may say it is. But, hey, no one ever knows and understand what I am feeling right now. The nostalgic effect of everything I see and hear irritates the shit out of me.

[iminthecloudnine9]

You are such a fake immature bitch. Damn you.

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.....

I tried. But then, I failed. 

Atleast, It's not that bad. Your fragment will still remain. Here, deep down my h..e..a..r..t

[iminthecloudnine9]

Okay. So people are starting to annoy me again. Bullsht. Akala nyo ba mga dyos kayong mga hay*p kayo? We're all same here. Stop ruining my private life please. Cause you'll probably don't want to know what I'm capable of.

[iminthecloudnine9]

Wala nanaman kayo ng girlfriend mo, break nanaman. Sabi ko na sayo eh, ako talaga ang fit na girl para sayo LOL

[iminthecloudnine9]