imisssmoking - Tumblr blog

[imisssmoking]

i cant make myself throw up

im a failure

[imisssmoking]

i can tell you exactly why i carved each star into my body

each group of stars really

because once i felt the heat of the sun underneath my skin i couldn’t stop until i had mapped out exactly where how and why i felt it

of course, like everything else, i wouldn’t stop until i was satisfied

until everything was orderly

until i couldn’t discern the feeling of the bright red heat seeping from my skin from the feeling of reading about it from a textbook

i smothered the red supergiant that grew from my stomach by breaking it up into hundreds and hundreds of small red beads upon my skin: red dwarves

my constellations are expansive

a plethora of supernova browns underneath light pink newborns and of course the deep red dwarves

the off yellow space between them all feels unsettling

the urge to fill the emptiness overwhelms me

i feel the heat rise up from my stomach again

and i pull out my blade

[imisssmoking]

oh my god i hung out with crush today and we cuddled and made out and he wanted to have sex oh my god oh my god but we didn’t bc he didn’t have condoms and then we found them when i had to leave 😭

but like it’s ok though because i didn’t shave or anything- reminder to myself to do that

the thing is though, i don’t think he’s ever done anything with anyone. like he hasn’t even had head or anything. to be honest i don’t think he’s really kissed all that much either?? he seemed very nervous and unsure about how and where to touch me

it really isn’t a problem at all, it’s just an interesting position for me to be in because my partners and i have always been around the same level of experienced, and idk it just feels like i’m taking advantage of him in some weird way. like it makes my body think he’s younger than me i guess???

it’s ok though i see him literally 1-2 times a week, and we will have a lot more opportunities to try things out. just the thought of having sex with him gets me SO HOT like ughhh

and tbh it’s also kind of cute that he’s never done anything, like i get to teach him idk

i miss my ex though :( when we were cuddling watching the show i kept thinking on and off all the times i did it with him and every time he kissed me or held me that way etc

it made me feel guilty because in my head it feels like cheating. even though i know this is important for me to move on

either way i love hanging out with crush, he has so many similar interests to me but he’s different in ways that he like keeps me guessing. i learn a lot of new things from and about him every day. and he’s very gentle and patient with me. he is a little blunt though but that’s kinda cute

[imisssmoking]

hello again blog my bf and i are no longer together

i have a new crush, things aren’t the same

my ana is back full blown

[imisssmoking]

hello blog i am in sort of recovery not really and my boyfriend and i are back together :)

i still struggle a lot with food but i think my life is pretty not bad atm

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yesterday someone complimented me on my weight loss and i’ve been FREAKING OUTTTT

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the awk phase of self harm healing where it’s scabbed over but kinda itchy and so you wanna scratch but yk that will just make the scars WORSE

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forgot to tell my blog that no one sees my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday

it hurts

i’m still in love with him

i just have so many questions

[imisssmoking]

i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

[imisssmoking]

i want to kill myself

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uh 😃

i think my best friend is still in love with me and it’s stressing me out

all i could think about while he was telling me how he regrets not dating me is my current boyfriend

literally all i wanted was for him to be there to hold me and tell me that my best friend was being an idiot and kiss me so i don’t have to think about him

literally he has been so toxic to me and i don’t need him fucking with my boundaries i’ve been over him for 2 years stop bringing up our past

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not eating has gotten so easy all of a sudden wtf

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yea

food possessiveness is never talked about in the eating disorder community despite how common it is, likely because it makes us feel like we're "failing" if we don't let other people take our food. i made myself some toast and my mom took a bite after i asked her not to. it literally sent me spiraling and i had a breakdown and refused to eat any of it. it felt bad in my mouth and i had to spit it out. i feel like absolute shit about it because i know she feels terrible. so for anyone that deals with food possessiveness because of their ed, you are not alone.

[imisssmoking]

ive convinced myself my bf is secretly in love with his gIrL bESt fRiEnD so now i’m gonna go on a long run when i get home and cry after

i have had 200 cals today and im probably gonna keep it under 500 net

[imisssmoking]

hehe new skinnee plan:

Exercise (Daily)

200 jumping jacks

150 squats

50 push-ups

75 sit-ups

30 all around leg raises (6 sets total)

1 dance workout video or target area

30 min run (3 miles goal)

Exercise (Gym)

Monday: Upper body

Wednesday: Legs + abs

Friday: Upper body

Saturday: Legs + abs

Meals:

Breakfast: oats/apple/grapefruit/iced coffee/egg whites on toast/similar

Lunch: apple + protein bar/small salad/tomato mozz sandwich + latte

Dinner: large protein salad/tofu variations w potato’s and/or leafy greens/sushi

Lifestyle

In bed by 11:00pm every night , 9:00-10:00 if need to get up before 5

Limit coffee to 1cup OR 5 espresso shots

Shower, shave, use lotion, chapstick, perfume, be that bitch

Wake up EARLY , at least 5:30-6:00 (5:00 is best)

HW immediately after school (you have a desk now absolutely use it) , take MAX 5 hours (that’s WITH study time)

ACT/SAT prep every night or every morning , see what works best for you (prob every morning?)

Practice tests every other weekend

Try to stay off meds + keep up with therapy

let the ED rage but in a that girl way 😩

[imisssmoking]

not textin the person not testing the person not texting the person not texting the person not texting the person not texting the person not texting the person not texting the person not texting the person not texting the person not texting the person not texting them not texting them not texting them not texting them not texting them no nonononononononononononononono onononononononono i have self control and i am better than that i have self control and i am better than that i have self control and i am better than that i can hold out for the next week or two i can do this i can do this i don’t need other people to rely on i can handle myself i can handle myself i can handle myself i can handle myself i am strong i am strong i am strong wait for them to text me wait for them

[imisssmoking]

i want to kill myself

i want to self harm

the only thing holding me back is the fear that my boyfriend will decide he still wants to be with me and then we have makeup sex and he sees them lol

i mean he did say he needed a week or two

they could heal