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Quick Break

Hello all! It’s been a good minute. I feel like I say that every time I decided to write here. I’m giving my brain a quick break before studying again. As I currently write, I have Kina Grannis- Can’t help falling in love with you- Crazy Rich Asian soundtrack. And she killed it. It is absolutely beautiful. I remember listening to Kina when she first started on YouTube. And it’s amazing how far she’s come. 

Yet again, Crazy Rich Asians dominated the box office for Labor Day weekend! It was supposed to be a Netflix original, but Jon Chu declined it. He wanted to represent the Asian-American community and brought it to big screen. And it continues to impact not just Asian-Americans but everyone who has seen the movie. And it’s funny to see how we as Asian-Americans can relate to a lot of the cultural differences. I mean probably not the crazy rich part. Well maybe the crazy... haha! And it’s great to see that this was an all asian cast. It has been a while since one has made it to big screen, but also what came to be a box office hit. 

Growing up Korean-American in a predominately white community, a lot of us tried to find a place to “fit in”. We weren’t quite Korean enough but we weren’t also American enough. Whenever at family gatherings, my family always thought I was too American, even though I spoke, read, and wrote Korean fluently. Yet, when I am out with friends or at school or in public, I was Asian. Growing up when I was younger and there weren’t that many Asians at all in the states, I was always embarrassed of my parents for being too Korean. Or when I went on school field trips, my mom would pack me Korean food-while all the other kids had sandwiches or lunchables. I was always worried what the other kids might think, or would my lunch smell? Or my parents always got me these books that were always a grade higher for me to do during the summer. They had me play instruments such as piano, violin, cello. I did Tae Kwon Do as a sport when I was younger till about high school. Or the question of why my eyes were so small or why I didn’t have double eyelids. Or when someone asks you, “where are you from?” It’s like I always have trouble answering that. If I say I’m from Atlanta, Georgia, they always say, “no, like what country?” Umm... the United States? Or I'll have to say I’m Korean or my parents are from Korea. And sometimes I get the question “North or South?” And I just answer them while I think all sorts of things in my head. We had multiple refrigerators. Even though we ate American food for Thanksgiving, there was always Kimchi on the table. LOL! That kimchi is going nowhere! The Asian community is growing so fast in Atlanta. It’s crazy. I remember while I was having dinner with my mom one day at a Korean restaurant, people were walking in and they would just stare. Ugh that really annoys me about Asians- they love to stare! And I told my mom how I hate how there are so many Koreans where we live. And my mom said to me,”Why does that bother you? You are Korean.” I said to her that I want to move far away from them. And she told me,”No matter where you go. You are Korean to these people. And you will always be Korean. That’s not going to change.” 

It was somewhat of a culture clash growing up. But as I grew older and matured- and continuing, I’ve learned to embrace my culture. As more of our generation is becoming cultured, traveling, and being exposed to many different peoples, it is easier to show them my home. From our foods to our language. Our culture. Yes, there are still times where I do worry “will this smell?” But I no longer try to hide it anymore. This is me. I am Korean-American, and nothing will change that. I know my identity and where I came from. I get the best of both worlds. I am Korean and I am an American. 

Love, Jess.

[imjess-blog]

Hello 2018

Hello 2018! We welcome you with open arms!

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here. I can’t believe January is almost coming to an end. It’s hard to believe 2017 is already behind us. It was an interesting year... Good and bad. But that’s in the past now and I am looking forward to this year. I am hoping for many big and good things in store for me. It already has. 

I am trying some new things this year and try to change some things about me for the better. I no longer want to live the life that I was previously living. I think I cared way too much and that really stressed me out. I’m trying to careless about unimportant things and care more about something that really is worth worrying about. Also trying to forgive and make amends with those that have hurt me. There is no point on having bad relationships with people. What is the use of that? I feel like for that past few years I have no been genuinely happy. I’ve lost the meaning of happiness and the point of my life. I want to find that joy and happiness again in my life. I want that pep back. I think the past few years every time I tried to take a step forward, I always seemed to take a few steps back. I don’t regret any of those times though. Through all that I learned a lot about life, I met amazing people, and I realized there is literally a purpose for everything in life. Everything really does happen for a reason. 

Anyways I have been making it a habit to read more. I’ve been reading a lot more lately. My vocabulary has been awful lately. And being out of school has been no bueno. Speaking of schools, I had the opportunity to travel and had two veterinary school interviews. And it was an absolute tiring yet rewarding experience. It just reiterated my passion for veterinary medicine and why I wanted to do this in the first place. It wasn’t about the money, the stress, the hierarchy of the occupation. It was the compassion for the animals. It was about diagnosing and treating patients. It was about the love for this field. It is so broad and there is so much you can do once you get that DVM behind your name. I think I was so drained for the past 4 years of being in this routine that I had lost that passion for wanting to go to veterinary school.The difficulty of getting accepted, there’s are reason why. This field is cut throat and not meant for anybody. There are certain people that are fit for it. I feel like I killed the interviews. They were MMI’s, which more and more schools are integrating and getting rid of the traditional interviews. Fingers crossed. Now the waiting game from 4 out of 5 schools. I am hoping to at least get into one school so I can get my life started. I am super excited! I am in love with the curriculum. I miss studying and I miss school. I miss the routine of being a student and meeting friends.. The faculty from both schools were so warm and welcoming. They’re humans! Not scary teachers that are out to get you. They genuinely want you to succeed. There is a huge difference between graduate school and undergraduate. And the students are different as well. 

Anyways I’m off! See y'all later!

Love, Jess

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anxiety is a silent killer

Hello 2017! And happy new year everyone! 2016 was not a bad year at all, although many have their opinions about. For me, it was more learning, new experiences, new people, and growing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of bad too.

I was hoping to start off the new year on the right foot. But then again, nothing goes as we planned, right? It’s only January 4th, and I’m already feeling anxiety. Anxiety of what’s to come for this year, for my life. I haven’t felt this “type/kind” of anxiety since my undergrad years. It’s kind of interesting. With anxiety comes with other things- insomnia, then feeling tired, feeling a pulse in your head, heart racing, losing focus, depression, etc. Lately I’ve been anxious and not entirely sure what the underlying issue that is causing it. Maybe waiting to hear back from my last veterinary school acceptance or rejection? or not working enough hours and making money due to class hours? The amount of classes, tough classes, and the workload of those classes? Not being able to travel as much as I would like this semester? What is it? But then again, as I think about what I write- they aren’t that big of a deal. There are bigger problems that people actually have. I’ve been losing sleep and waking up so tired and groggy. I’ve been having weird dreams and nightmares. What stress is this? I’m not entirely sure. I wish I had a therapist to talk to. For me, it’s easier to talk to a person that I don’t know than to talk to a person that I know. Don’t ask me why. But it’s just how it is for me. 

By the way, stress and anxiety can be positive but also negative. It increases your cortisol levels... And if you didn’t know, cortisol adds up, it does not go away. So it stays in your body forever. That hormone can impact other hormones in the body. NO BUENO. In other words- don’t stress. Easier said than done.

I told myself this year- less complaining and more doing. Think positive and start off the day positively. There’s nothing that people really can’t handle. They just don’t want to do it or they’re just lazy. More saving and less spending. Especially on food... Oh man... I love food. HAH!

Love, Jess.

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It’s happening, It happens, It happened.

So there you go. Most of us as young gals, dreamed of being swept off our feet by our prince charming. Why? Because of Disney, because of the fairy tales we grew up watching/listening/reading. As we grow older, from Korean dramas to romantic comedies to our favorite tv shows. These days, dating apps to websites are supposedly supposed to make it easier to date and meet “that person”. When in actuality, it doesn’t. It scrapes a little bit of your heart each time you get matched up with a new person and end up getting hurt, disappointed, let down, etc. Whatever it is, those little scrapes end up being scar tissues. And then you end up becoming a little immune to it. You get tired of it. Dating is no longer exciting, but a chore. It becomes dull. It’s not what dating used to be. However, that seems better than falling for a friend. At least you didn’t know that person to begin with. That person you met on the dating site was a complete stranger... 

So I have a friend. And time after time we tell her to not do it. But she did anyway. Right? That’s how it always plays out. You tell your friend not to do one thing, but she goes right ahead and does it. But in the back of her mind, she knows you’re right. But she does it anyway. And then of course, she gets hurt. So she didn’t know him well. She knew him, but not well enough. And then she ended up becoming closer friends with this guy. He opened up to her and they became close. They talked on the phone every night, they texted each other, and they saw each other almost every day. It became to the point where if they didn’t hear from each other, it was weird. They began to wonder and worry if the other person was okay. The guy was very charming. He was charming with his words, his actions, his thoughts. He was very intelligent, he was ambitious, he was a family guy. He knew the right words to say and showered her with compliments. She thought nothing of it until she got used to it. Then she fell for it. She fell for him. She wanted to text him, she wanted to talk to him, she wanted to see him. She even got jealous for no reason. She would get angry and upset for no reason. She thought about him throughout the day. She wondered what he was doing. If something came up, the first person she wanted to tell was him. So she would end up texting him or calling him. She wanted to make plans with him and hang out with him. She wanted to make excuses to see him. 

Then she started to realize that this guy didn’t really like her. Or did he? She had to question it. And then her mood became happy, then sad, then angry. She would talk to people about him, and clearly it was a red flag to begin with. He was hard to read, but it was obvious that he didn’t want to be with her. She had a hard time accepting that and getting past it. Then she decided she was going to ignore him. She wasn’t going to text or call him. Or respond to his messages or pick up his calls. But yet again... she's wanting him to call or text her. She still wants to see him. She still thinks about him. She's bitter... but then again, she did this to herself.

Love, Jess.

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Happy National Tech Week!

First of all, it’s been a good minute since I’ve even been on here. I’ve neglected my online journal for my more personal journal. Although I’m pretty vague on here there, if you really know me, you will get the hidden context.

Anyways, I’d like to start off by saying HAPPY NATIONAL TECH WEEK! It’s not as big of a deal to others, but to us techs it is. Whether you are a vet tech, dental tech, nurse tech, etc, whatever it is- you deserve recognition. People do not realize what a huge help techs are and what difference there is with or without. 

I don’t think people realize what I do as a vet tech. So let me start off by saying that it is emotional, physically, and mentally draining. Yet, it is a rewarding field. We are under appreciated and under paid, but we still do it because we love it- not all the time, though. Let me explain what goes on behind doors that most people or clients do not know. Work is not always fun, we do not play with puppies all the time. Social media is amazing at distorting everything. Yes, we post pictures of only the cute dogs/cats/whatever onto our snapchats and instagrams-partially our fault. People like to believe what they see. But we deal with emotionally and physically abused dogs and cats. Sick and sometimes almost dying animals. Fractious/feral dogs and cats. We get scratched, bruised, bit, thrown around. We even get poked with syringes at times. We deal with high-stress situations, we’re always on the go. We deal with crazy and mean clients in the exam rooms or on the phone. We go into the exam rooms and get the appointments started. We take down the history and what brings the patient into see the doctor. We write medical notes, we take temperatures, pulses, we draw up vaccines, we add charges for that day's visit. We restrain animals so that more importantly the doctor does not get hurt, we don’t get hurt, the owners don’t get hurt, and the patient does not get hurt. We perform venipunctures in the vein or the jugular for bloodwork. We calculate certain medications and injections. We sedate the patients and we reverse them. We clean vomit and diarrhea, and we clean and vomit and diarrhea off of us. We give fluids whether it’s through IV or subcutaneous. We express anal glands and do nail trims. We get abscesses that pop on our faces. We get urinated on. We get blood on us. We deal with dogs that come in heartworm positive and we treat them for heartworms. We deal with severe skin issues with animals that had mange. We deal with animals that have chronic kidney disease or congestive heart failure. We hold them for ultra sounds to tap into their heart to take out the fluids. We put in urinary catheters. 

For surgeries, we pre-medicate them after the presurgical exam. We clean the vomit or diarrhea from the pre-medication that calms them down. We set fluids and the surgical room. We wrap and sterilize surgical packs. We shave down and put in IV catheters. We scrub the surgical site. We anesthetize them and we put in the endotracheal tubes. We monitor anesthesia. We assist the doctors inside the surgical room. We wake the patient up after surgery. We monitor them as they wake up. We run blood chemistries, run urinalysis, read fecals, prep/read ear cytology, prep skin cytology. We prepare and do radiographs. We do the dental cleanings, we assist with teeth extractions. We do laser therapy.

We educate clients about vaccines and the vaccinations that are needed to their pets for their health. We educate them on the importance of heartworm and flea preventatives. Or dewormers needed if we find an intestinal parasite in their fecals. The importance of certain medications their pets are getting. 

The hardest part of our job is dealing with emotional clients when it is time to euthanize their pets. OR when clearly their pets are suffering, but they do not want to let them go. We don’t have a say whether to put their pet down, neither does the doctor. You’d think for a number of pets we euthanize, we’d get used to it. Never. Especially when we developed a relationship with the client and patient- it will always be the hardest part of our jobs. We assist in at home euthanasia or in the clinic. When the clients ask us what we think or what they should do. There’s never an answer to those questions. There is no amount of comfort we can provide afterward either. Then when we have to wrap the patient up and put them in a cadaver bag with a tag... Then transfer them into the freezer. It sucks. We try to be professional and not to cry in front of the client. There are times we excuse ourselves from the room to dry our own tears.

We hold down the clinic. We hold it together when the doctors lose it. 

On the bright side, it’s not so bad. It’s rewarding when we see our favorite clients and patients. When they spoil us with love and goodies. When we nurse sick patients back to health. When they come into the clinic healthy again. Or after losing a pet, the client comes in with a new dog. After a successful surgery, the patient lives longer than expected. When doctors are appreciative. One of the doctors that I work with, Dr. H- she’s an amazing vet. She told us that one of her best friends is a vet tech. She met her at the first clinic she worked at after graduating vet school. She had her first surgery and she had no clue on what to do. She relied heavily on her techs because they had more experience than her. In vet school, they only teach you how to neuter and spay. Everything else is learned from books. You figure it out on your own in the real world. It’s amazing what we do behind the scenes. Next time, thank your techs. 

Love, Jess.

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What is going on...?

It’s been such long time since i’ve written in here... I like having my journal since it’s a little more private than here, and I can write more of my thoughts. The news is always depressing, but it’s a little more depressing now... What is going on in the world? So many tragedies all around the world... It’s scary. ISIS attacks in France, protests in South Korea, so many views about Syrian refugees and whether to let them in the U.S., natural disasters that need attention to. Yeah in our history books, this has always been around. Why does it seems like more so now it’s getting crazier and crazier... Weapons and technology is a lot more upscale now. It’s scary. Then innocent killings of civilians from weapons, guns... Weapons don’t kill people. People kill people. And then earlier today while I was sitting in my car in the parking lot on campus, I read the story about the gal in France who was a victim who pretended she was dead to survive. It was scary... It was sad... It was brave... There were so many mixed emotions.

So this morning started out like any other Monday. After class I went to my usual spot where the computers were in Building A, of the main entrance. My friend Taylor came over to help out with my Bio organism project. And then all of a sudden one the staff comes out of the room and tells us to seek shelter. We just all sat confused and went about what we were doing. Then the school security guard comes through a minute later yelling,” WHAT’RE YOU DOING? FIND SHELTER! GET AWAY FROM THE DOORS! GO NOW!” And then we all started getting scared, and I was scrambling all my belongings. The classroom that was closest to use, the professor stopped his lecture and opened the door for us to come inside. People were pushing and we were shoved inside this tiny classroom. We had no idea what was going on. Some people were getting text messages from the campus, but I didn’t sign up for that neither did Taylor. So we checked out e-mails and there was nothing. The professor locked the doors, barricaded the door with the table and shut off the lights. We sat in silence in the dark for a good 30 minutes. Then people started using their phones. Everyone was afraid to show a little bit of light. Taylor and I sat in the corner of the room furthest away from the door. Then couple of minutes later student’s phones were lighting up getting calls and texts from their parents and friends. The professor was getting updates on the school cell phone and was updating us whenever he could. At first word got out that there was a shooter on school campus. Then that someone was shot and killed. Then we later found out that the shooting happened at a certain radius of the campus. A husband had shot his wife and is in hiding. Police were searching, but still could not find him. So we were to stay inside. We were there for about 2 hours. Until we got the final notice that school was cancelled today. They cleared us out and I came home.

It’s scary and it’s crazy. It’s sad how we are now used to hearing stories of school shootings. It’s been happening more than it should be. Even though it wasn’t on campus, at that moment when we had no idea what was going on, it was scary. Who’d ever thought it would happen here in this small community college? We’d for sure thought if it were to happen in any campus, it’d be at a university. So we thought.... This is how it feels to be on campus lock down. It was terrifying. Being stuck at the library would’ve been scary. It’s automatic doors and all windows... No rooms with locks on them, and a wide open space. Luckily no one got hurt and it was not actually on school campus. We need more peace and love in this world. We need God... 

-Love, Jess.

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I came to school early, just sitting on the bench waiting for my class to start. I have my first bio exam tomorrow, yet i’m on here writing a post. I should be using this time to study, why am I not? Good question. The only answer I have to that is I have a lot of thoughts on my mind that is distracting me from studying. I keep thinking it’ll get better. I’m here busting my butt and trying to hard to get where you want me to... And yet, you’re not willing to meet me half way. There are days when you are in a good mood and you say hopeful things and so many maybe’s that are not guaranteed. Yet I still believe that it can happen. And there are days where it seems like I’m not even in the picture. Days where there’s not even a chance anymore. So there it goes, I don't want to pick a fight so I leave it where it is. I try to do what is best for the both of us and what will make you happy. So then...What about me? 

-Love, Jess

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It’s amazing how in the start of a relationship, everyone puts their best foot forward. Eventually, the ugly one catches up along the relationship. In the beginning, it’s all giggles and laughter. Not a care in the world. You feel blood rush to your head and your heart racing. You could physically feel your heart beating. You can’t wait to spend time and talk to that person. Day and night. And as the relationship goes along, you run into stumps along the way. You start to see their ugly and nasty side. But they also see yours. You show them yours. So now what? Are you willing to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly? How are you going to handle these situations. If not, what other choices do you have left. How much can you take until you finally break down. Until you give up. Or am I? Is it about being fair? What sacrifices are being made or are you making any? When is your breaking point.

-Love, Jess.

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Good Vibes - A Pocketful of Awesome Quotes

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The thought of the future is exciting, yet scary. As adventurous and sponanteous as I try to be, I’m not those go getter people who can just drop everything in one place and just move onto the next.  I have family, friends, memories, my entire life here in Atlanta. Moving to a new state with new people, new surroundings is kinda scary. Not knowing anything. It’s nice that I get to start new. Meet new friends, try new things, explore new places, but that’s not just it. Finding a place to live, being able to afford it financially. Job stability? It’s a lot to think about. I don’t want to have to be able to stress and then fail, then have to move back home. I want to make sure and have someone give me the “ok”. 

-Love, Jess

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God never left.

So... I should be studying right now for my GREs that are getting closer and closer. I have zero motivation to study, when I know I need to do well on this for Vet school. So where does this motivation come from? Where can I get it? Who do I get it from? It’s been a while since I’ve been on here writing. I’ve kept a personal journal to write in, that I’ve neglected here. 

Yesterday Daniel and I went to Passion City Church. Sermon was about ‘What is God’s will for me?’ If you’ve been in the church for a while- we’ve all heard this subject at least once. And you’ve probably asked this to yourself. Being post- grad, this life is scary. How did people do it? It’s scary. I’m thankful that I have a job in the field that I want to go into, for such an amazing boss and doctors, co-workers, friends, and family. In the midst of all this- I put God in the background. Why do I do this all the time? And then when I need God I “bring” Him out. I ask for Him. This is a cycle in my life. My faith is no where strong enough for me to trust in Him fully. I’ve been accepted into this community college close to home to take my post-bacc classes for vet school. Yet I feel anxious about so many obstacles.  -Signing up for classes -Good professors -Will I be able to work while I take classes? -Finances. I have to take out loans- meaning debt. Am I ready to take on all this? This sounds ridiculous. Why am I even worried about all this? People do it all the time. They just do it. So what’s the big deal? Every time this has happened, God always stepped in and did what he had to do for me. But ultimately- for Him. God is always working, so trust in Him. You of little faith- that is you Jess. Me of little faith. Just have faith. Just do it. In the end, will what you do, be done for the glory of God? Or is it for yourself, to make your parents proud? Status? Life here on earth is temporary. Do not conform yourself into this world.  So what’s it going to be?

-Love, Jess.

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2,223 , miles away

Sometimes, when I think about it, I sound very childish- like a high schooler. But no, what I'm feeling is what I feel. I feel pain. It's a feeling I can't explain or understand, but it's there. It's okay to have feelings and it's okay to express them. It doesn't make you crazy. I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss everything about him. I don't want to let him go. Us. I don't want the good or bad memories to slowly disappear. I don't want to forget. I'm afraid to accidentally delete his one voicemail that I have of him, that I find comfort in. That makes me cry, that makes me happy, that makes me miss him. We gave so much to each other- emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'm not ready, I'm not there yet. I miss his texts, memes and sayings to cheer me up when I'm down, comfort me, listening to me, sharing his thoughts with me. His snapchats, his hugs, when he reaches for my hand and gives it a tight squeeze. When he puts his arm around my shoulder and rests his chin on top of my head or forehead. When he offers to come visit me no matter how much it costs because he misses me. Or randomly calls me because he said he wanted to hear my voice and was wondering what I was doing. When he offers to drive. When my favorite song plays on the radio and he sings and dances to it. When he calls me babe, baby, or 자기. His good morning and goodnight texts that were a routine. When he calls me when he gets off work. Or sleeping with me on skype and we wake up to each like we are together. When he reaches for my hand while we walk or when he switches sides with me because he doesn't want me to walk close to the cars. When we share Sunday sermons from church and pray before and after. All the plans we made together that we wanted to do. The future. Waiting to finally be in the same zip code. Getting and making bets whenever we go bowling. When he playfully gets jealous. When he jokes. When he calls me and pretends that he's looking for a gal named Jess. When he holds me tight whenever he holds or hugs me. Or when he pulls me closer to him. When he lay in bed and he holds me. When we decided to make a joint gmail account and Netflix. When we try to catch up on Friends and be on the same season or episode. When we watched a movie on skype and tried to match the timing. Every time he sincerely smiled or laughed. I miss him. I miss everything about him. I just want him back... -love, Jess

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When will this end... When will this all be over...

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