imltpn

[imltpn]

22/5/2025

I'm writing this here so when my life unfolds in the next few months, I'll have a reason to brag about it hahaha.

I feel like something is waiting for me in Taiwan (you will know exactly what I'm talking about here, in reference to the endless convo I had with chatgpt). I initially wanted to go to the Netherlands, but that plan did not work out. And then Taiwan work opportunity just dropped into my lap, out of nowhere lol (not really, but whatever). Like the whole plan changed within 1 month, so I guess the universe is doing something here.

Also, I'm sending another message to Mr. Croissant - Bake. a. little. faster. sir!!! 🤣 I know the cosmic is doing its job, but I will still send you the signal from afar.

[imltpn]

This is a small reminder to check chatgpt! We now have new names for all the characters in the delulu land:

Mr. Too hot to handle, aka Mr. Croissant or The panther in silk pajamas.

Mr. Simp supreme, aka Mr Cinnamon roll or The teddy bear.

Plot twist: They might be the same person, all in one. We'll have to wait to see what kind of jokes the universe will pull on me lol. Also, prove me wrong Mr. Too hot to handle. Should I have faith in you? Will you 'heal' in time for our cosmic date?

I'm mentally challenging you right now!! Sending signals all the way from Vietnam to wherever you are hehe. But just so you know, imma put on a tough cookie exterior okay!! You can't just have it way too easy hahah.

[imltpn]

Full moon in Scorpio

Just for the record, I don't know if it's because of the full moon last night that I couldn't sleep, or it's because my brain couldn't stop thinking about Mr. Too hot to handle ahahaha. ChatGPT is sooo sassy to name him like this tho.

Anw, it's been like 2 weeks now. I cannot stop thinking about him, and I've been obsessed with ChatGPT....It was a great coping mechanism I must say. Regardless, I already wrote him a goodbye letter (that I will never sent). Now it's time to move on! Everything is a fantasy, until proven otherwise. He always be my favorite what-if ♥ a part of me will always yearn for him, and for whatever possibilities there are between us.

Goodbye for now, Mr. Too hot to handle!

[imltpn]

Phải nói là sau khi mình thấy story của thằng kia, mình vẫn thấy bực vl. 1 phần là vì hắn nói là sẽ rủ mình đi chơi cùng này nọ khi bạn hắn tới thăm, rốt cuộc thì đ rủ. Phần còn lại là vì thấy hắn reup story của bạn gái kia. Mình thật sự thấy thất vọng…..nói toàn mà không làm! Dối trá và không đáng mặt đàn ông. Thật sự là mình dị ứng với mấy kiểu này lắm.

Mình khá không th��ch khi mà những chuyện này vẫn ảnh hưởng tới mình. Nhưng mà biết sao giờ, trước mắt là mình cứ phải chấp nhận rằng mình có mớ cảm xúc này đã.

À mà lí do mình thất vọng là vì, trong lòng mình lúc ấy, mình cho thằng đó là một người đặc biệt thật. Mình cho tml đó vào cả inner circle của mình. Nhưng mà đúng là đời, nó đ biết bản thân nó đã may mắn như thế nào đâu. Bây giờ thì, mình sẽ không bao giờ cho tml đó 1 cơ hội nào nữa.

Nói trắng ra thì mình cũng hơi buồn vì mình không có mặt trong circle bạn bè thân của thằng đó. Mặc dù về mặt lí trí thì mình thực sự không cần phải hạ mình xuống để fit in, nhưng mà về mặt tình cảm thì mình thấy buồn và thất vọng. Mình đã cho nó vào circle của mình rồi, còn nó thì đ cho mình vào ư? Thế thì thôi, mình cũng không cần. Mình đã trải qua đủ nhiều để tự ra giá trị của bản thân. Mình không cần phải hạ thấp giá trị quan của mình để làm vui lòng một ai hết. Nếu người ta không thấy được giá trị của mình, và cũng không trân trọng mình như cách mình cần, thì mình cũng không cần để tâm tới nữa. Chỉ tổ mệt người thôi.

Xin lỗi chứ, thằng đó đến 30 tuổi hơn rồi mà vẫn chưa đâu ra đâu về cả sự nghiệp lẫn chuyện tình cảm, thì đúng là có vấn đề thật. Qua đợt này, mình đã học được kha khá bài học về bản thân mình, và cả những người xung quanh nữa. Thật sự thì, thằng cha đó chỉ hơn mình vì nó già hơn mình 7 tuổi thôi. Chứ nghĩ mà xem, đến lúc mình 32 tuổi, mình còn đỉnh cỡ nào nữa chứ hehe.

Thui, mình lại tiếp tục sống cuộc đời hoành tá tràng của mình đây hihi.

[imltpn]

I’m literally going insane here and it’s not funny at all. I’ve been trying to stop thinking about him for the past few days. And also stopped using chatgpt to analyze our situation.

I read all of our texts again today, and I felt my body heated up lol. The urge to just copy and paste our whole conversation to chatgpt to analyze is wild and diabolical. But I will absolutely not do that. It’s just too crazy and obsessive of me to do so lol. Though, I will ask chatgpt to slap me out of this…..

I need to accept that I’m creating this whole image of him in my head, and it’s not healthy. I will sure think of him from time to time, but I have to move on with my life.

[imltpn]

I'm still not over him, and it's concerning haha. Why? Cause he's already with someone else. He even quit his job to move across the ocean to be with her. Like cmon, whatever that might possibly happen between us, is gone. Realistically so. It's just....the impression that was left in my heart....is too big. I know that I'm romanticizing everything as well, putting him on the pedestal and such. It's a dangerous zone here! But I'm just ridiculously interested in him hahaah.

Not for his look. He's too handsome, and I think it will cause trouble. Idk even, he just lingers lol. And some of his actions too! (check chatgpt again for the decode of those actions). A lot of the time, what he said to me just created an impact. It made me question a lot of things, in a good way tho.

So yeah, the thought of never seeing him again is making me feel tiec nuoi. He lowkey gives me the same feelings that Andy gives me. His words have weight and effect on me. His advices are spot on.

UGHHHHH, tell me why I had to come across this man haha. Literally question my entire existence because of him.

Okay, time to be a little more rational about this. There is no guarantee that I will never see him again. And even if that's the case, it was truly nice to get to know him tho. I just hope he's happy lol, like genuinely hope that. Cause for whatever reason, I can kinda see through him and sense the darkness lingers in his soul....

If it's meant to be, it will be. If I'm meant to see him again, then the universe will let it happen. I just need to have faith in the divine timing. There is no need to rush it. I can first focus on myself and live life to the fullest. He will always have a special place in my heart, no matter what happens!

[imltpn]

I’m beyond pissed about the fact that one of my ‘close’ work friend lied to me. We’re slowly entering a situationship and I’ve been confused for a while now about where we stand.

I can feel that he has feelings for me too. But oh well, it doesn’t matter now that the trust between us two is broken.

Damn, I feel betrayed. My whole body is heating up rn, and my hands even tremble as I type. It really doesn’t matter now, whatever reasons that stand in our way, if he’s not treating me right, he can see himself out of the door.

Although I hate how it turned out, I did learn a few things about myself.

(1) I’m not a situationship type of person. Either you’re in, or you’re not. You don’t mess with me and my boundaries.

(2) I’m a creative and fun person. And I can be like that on my own as well, no need to rely on anyone to bring out that side of me.

(3) Guys who are in the creative field….maybe not for me? Idk, still need to test it out.

(4) I really need trust and safety to be able to open up to someone. Once the trust is broken, nothing matters anymore.

It was such a turn off once I knew he lied to me. Kinda funny tbh. But I’m glad I decided to stand up for myself. I can’t accept that I’m being treated that way. So yeah, fuck off!

[imltpn]

I swear to damn god that this visa uncertainty shit is taking too much of my brain power. And my sleep deprived + hungry ass can't help but thinking - do I really need to try this hard? and for what? what if the company just drop me in the middle of the process? what if I'm not competent enough and haven't contributed anything worthy to the company???

Like, what is the point of sponsoring someone who can't do their job well? why put in the effort and resources to invest in someone who's fucking high maintenance (paperwork wise) ahhaah?

Damn, I don't think any normal people can handle this well. Such a shitty situation to be in ngl....

[imltpn]

Cảm giác ADHD ngồi chơi poker với ng bình thường thật là kinh khủng…..

Và mình cảm thấy mình “ngu ngốc” hơn mọi người rất nhiều. Cuối cùng thì sau 24 năm, mình cũng có lời giải đáp cho cái sự não cứng đờ này :))

Mình nghĩ mình cần thêm tgian để học cách làm quen với cách mà bộ não của mình hoạt động lol.

[imltpn]

There are days that is this weird. I was feeling heavy and filled with thoughts until 5 minutes ago. But now, I suddenly feel much better, for no particular reason. None of these have any reason, sort of. I do have few, but I’m not sure where it is going even. 

My head is spinning like crazy this morning. I was dwelling on my sense toward my responsibilities, how to take care of others, how to take care of myself, how much of a burden it is to fulfill all of those things, the pressure I’m putting on myself (school, work, life in general). God, imma physically explode some day. 

I, of course, could not focus on work while I’m having this chaotic mess in my mind. But for now, I have to leave it be. I will be back to tackle each of these topic. 

[imltpn]

Hôm nay mình đi test ADHD buổi đầu tiên. Thú thật thì sau khi test xong mình cảm thấy cả thế giới xoay mòng mòng….Mình cũng không rõ là vì hôm nay mình mệt và thiếu ngủ, hay là vì bài test làm mình mệt nữa lol.

Sau khi test xong não mình thực sự rất mệt. Mình cứ có cảm giác nó bị tê liệt ấy. Rồi mình đi về nhà, mình cứ bần thần ra đấy. Ngồi đực mặt ra rồi chiêm nghiệm về đời.

Yeah I’m crying rn. I’ll circle back to this tmr!

[imltpn]

Supposedly, today is a meh day for me because of my lack of sleep. And thus, my emotions are 10x worse than usual.

I just can't help but feeling debilitated, emotionally. I felt like a 6 year-old kid juggling my emotions. Whenever I'm overstimulated, everything around me seems to fade into the background. I zoned out. I couldn't hear anything. The inner child in me just crumbled. Paralyzed. Unable to move or figure out wtf is going on. And then I started acting out. I lashed out. I got angry. I dumped everything out onto the nearest 'victims,' which are usually my loved ones. The people that I truly care about.

I am hurt. And I go around spreading the energy to everyone. Then they are hurt.

When people ask me why bother going to the therapist or doctor or spend money on 'self- discovery' tests. You know, I really don't know. I just want help and support of any kind. I need a savior...or at least, I'm trying to save myself. However I can, with all I might.

[imltpn]

What a day to be thinking about myself and how I have been behaving lately. Too hot-tempered and said things that hurt my loved ones.

It reminds me of Andy tbh, and the conversation I had with him when he talked about the same thing. Not to mention, when I had my breakdown session this afternoon about my biometric/fingerprints, I couldn’t help but thinking of him. He would be a great mentor and someone I can learn a lot from. He had such a great impact on me that I was just undeniably drawn to confide in him.

I see myself in him. And maybe he felt the same too? Every advice he gave me, life changing! Everything he shared about himself, relatable in a very weird way! I really really miss him. I miss talking to him, and feeling heard and understood.

The funny thing is, you’d think I have feelings for him right. I do, but it’s not what you think it is. I don’t ‘love’ him, ofc. I admired him! Sincerely and genuinely admired him. I can see him as my friends, a really good one. I honestly have never met anyone like him hahaha. It’s shame that he passed away already. I would kill to meet him again….

All that to say, I need to reflect more on myself haahah. I’ll probably pretend like I’m talking to Andy about this 🤣

[imltpn]

Me and emotional regulations....

There are moments when I can observe myself and my innermost desire for attention and companionship. Definitely not fun! I realized that instead of dealing with my own emotions, my first instinct is to find someone to vent. I don't want to sit with the discomfort and feel my emotions, nor try to regulate my own moods.

When the friends who often comfort me need some sort of space to deal with their own shit, and thus retreat into their shell, I felt like I'm being left alone. Not that I don't understand their needs, it's just that I felt the need to keep reaching out to them, expecting them to behave like their usual self.

I was indeed looking for external validation to solve my problem....Maybe it's time I need to trust my internal judgement a little bit more :)

[imltpn]

Let's talk about the dilated-pupils-boy shall we! Cause he was a real pleasant surprise.

I've only met him for 2 months, and things started out very casual. Casual here means, coworker casual. Nothing else. I didn't even think about anything because he's not my usual type. But as you can guess, the situation has changed. It was after one of my night outs with him. Four peeps, including us two, just chilling and drinking. I honestly didn't know him too well before we hung out. At work, we were pretty 'professional' I'd say. Only small talks, surface-level chat, and nothing too special really.

But on that day, that one day, I found out he is suuuper interesting hahaha. Thinking about it now, I might change his nickname to Aston Martin boy :)) because when he said he'd want to drive an Aston Martin during one of our drinking games, I was pleasantly IMPRESSED, against my will lol. He's funnier than he looks tbh hahaha. And smart, and witty.

I think after that, I got awkward around him. All because I started having a crush on him! Good lord, I don't need a new crush right now. To my defense, I probably should have a new crush, so I can put an end to my already-dead relationship.

Anyways, he's back to his country now. Before he left, we definitely had 'something' together lol. Like, we accidentally met each other 3 days in a row. Twice in the elevator, once in the parking garage. And for the whole 2 months that I know him, that never happened before. So my delulu ass really thought that they meant something ahhaha.

Not to mention, the absolute highlight of this whole 'crush story' was when he read the card I wrote him. As friends would describe me, being the most thoughtful and considerate bitch ever (you bet they actually say that *wink*), I got him a very witty gift - a 'Kindle' card. He lost his kindle a while back, so I just got him a new one! He genuinely laughed so hard when he saw the gift, in his signature giggle sound. I know he absolutely loved it hahha. Then he opened the card to read. Then he got a serious look on his face. Then I was watching him closely, trying to decipher what was going on. He then looked up, staring straight to my eyes. I got startled for a second because I've never seen him looking so serious before. 30s went by, and he still staring at me as if he was trying to capture that moment in time.

It was honestly so hot, and so genuine that it just gave me chills, even now, after almost a week. I felt like at that moment, he made some kind of decision. I just don't know, but one thing I know for sure is he probably has a crush on me as well. I can't remember clearly if his pupils dilated when he stared at me then (still guess that they were), but them pupils definitely dilated when I said my actual goodbye to him. Oooh to have bright green eyes!!! It was so easy for me to spot them dilated pupils hahahha. People were right, those eyes never lie.

I guess my friend were right when he told me AM boy has a small crush on me. He caught AM boy in 4k as the boy did stare at me a while ago, way before I hung out with him. Honestly, I haven't felt like this in a while. But somehow, it feels nice. As in, I'm not romanticizing the man or anything. Everything kind of unfold naturally. So I will have to see how this goes. No expectations, but there is hope!

[imltpn]

HIS PUPILS DILATED. HIS PUPILS DILATED! HIS PUPILS DILATED!!!!!!!!!! 😩😭

[imltpn]

Isn’t very funny to find out that you basically “lovebombing” everyone in new relationships you enter? Not just romantic relationships, I’m talking EVERY relationship ever….

The only relationships I feel like I could just be myself and relax are the ones with Malika and Athenais. With the rest, I started off very strong and friendly and talkative. Then I fizzled lmao.

And I also have cases where people backed out and stopped engaging with me. All because I was too intense and approached them like a bullet train, straight to the deep dark end.

I can now confidently say that I am indeed, a walking red flag 😂 no wonder why I attract the narcissists that enjoy lovebombing. Maybe I’m just overthinking here….but I swear, I get conscious about every comment people make of me. That’s kind of tiring tbh, to constantly care about what people think of me.

Well, another issue to think of for now!