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Going to the Sun Road • Glacier National Park • Montana

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Answered prayers

I feel like lately I need to keep reminding myself that the life I'm living is and continues to be an answered prayer.

Somehow, even though I just took a 10-day vacation in July, I'm experiencing a bit of burnout in the workplace. And truthfully, I think a driving reason for that is that I still feel like I'm finding my place and where I fit into this team. It's tough because on any given day, different assortments of people are at the clinic. So I haven't gotten the chance to feel a sense of comradery with my coworkers, which is something that I definitely took for granted at my previous jobs.

Another probable reason is that I have this ongoing anxiety about my cancellation rates, which continues to produce lower productivity rates than I'm supposed to be meeting. It's definitely a source of stress, but it's also something I don't have much control over either. I've decided that in the weeks to come, I really need to schedule even more evals to account for this difference. And just embrace the fact that I'll have a more busy Fall than I'm used to.

But I really do love this job, and these kids, and my schedule. And if I really do love it, I need to fight for it. I can't give them a reason to let me go, especially if I'm the newest hire.

I think this weekend of disconnecting was much needed. Just some time away from my screens and social media, and just reconnecting with my PT cohort friends. It has singularly been the best blessing that the residency has given me. (Apart from the majestic nature hikes and views that the Seattle area offers on those handful of weekends a year.) Even though we have different workplaces and are in different stages of our lives, they are a few of the people here who just get it. And our annual summer camping trips have (and are becoming) a sacred tradition that I hope we'll continue in the years to come.

This summer has absolutely flown by. I can't believe it's the end of August already, and that September is just around the corner. We even had 'Fake Fall' make its appearance with rainy mornings and cloudy afternoons.

I'm hoping to take the paddle board out at least 1-2 more times in the weeks to come. I need to make it out to Alki/Golden Gardens to watch the sunset as well. So much to do, so little time!

Some highlights this summer beyond the National Parks trip: Pride Weekend spent with the boys. Honestly, Darius said it best when he said that as fun as it is going out and about the neighborhood bars and dancing with strangers, time with loved ones really is the point of Pride. So spending that time with good food, good wine, board games, and conversations that 'dug deeper' was a beautiful detour.

In direct contrast, however, getting to hold up Pride flags with my church at the parade the next day in downtown Seattle with my head held high with people who shared my faith was something that a younger version of me could only dream of. So I'm happy I equally got to have that experience, after having just come out in October last year.

Other highlights? Kickball Thursdays, various birthday celebrations, outdoor volleyball games, time spent outside. Collectively, all the best parts of the Seattle summer.

So here's to making the most of the summer days to come.

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“Untitled” by | Nathan Lee Allen

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PCS

TL;DR. You’re looking at Seattle’s newest board-certified pediatric clinical specialist (PCS).

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TW: Colorism; Fatphobia; Homophobia

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Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Daniel Millar, a residency-trained physical therapist now with a PCS certification.

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I’m most thankful for the kids I’ve gotten to work with over the years. These little humans have been the best teachers I could have asked for. In tribute to them, I feel compelled to share a lesson I’ve learned along the way. For better or for worse, kids are always listening. They understand way more than we give them credit for. As adults, the words we choose can have a profound impact. So in a world that is too often cruel, choose kindness.

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Just like how those three words (PCS) will shape my future, I want to share three Tagalog (the Philippine national language) words that have shaped my past. Some were directed at me specifically, and others were maybe just heard in passing conversations around me throughout my childhood. But it’s telling that as someone who doesn’t speak the language, these are some of the few words that stuck:

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Sunog (adj.): burnt; burned. To the black and brown kids who are told their skin is ‘too dark’, told to stay out of the sun, told to use skin lighting cream: you deserve to feel confident in your own skin. You are beautiful exactly as you are.

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Taba (adj.): fat; chubby. To the kids who only fit in ‘Husky’-size pants, who wear t-shirts at the pool, who learn to count calories way too young: you are inherently worthy of love. No number defines your worth.

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Bakla (adj.): f*ggot; queer. To the kids with limp wrists, flamboyant walks, and big feelings: your presence makes the world a brighter place. Don’t let anyone dim your light.

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I can’t promise that my newly gained letters will automatically make me a better PT. I can’t say that being board-certified will make the journey to becoming a professor any easier. But I can promise to choose kindness in my words moving forward. We have a choice in what we pass on to our kids and young adults. Let’s help to break the cycle of bullying for the next generation, together.

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Daniel Miranda Millar, PT, DPT, MPH, PCS

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PENN BADGLEY the boy is mine (Music Video)

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30.

So I finally turned 30.

Leading up to it all, I really did experience the host of emotions that is associated with the big milestone. Some sadness and mourning over the perceived end of my youth. Some excitement of what's to come.

By and large, I'm at a pretty good place in my life. I made my peace with my Texas chapter and childhood this past December. I took my big PCS exam at the beginning of March, and worked through all the transitions of a new car, apartment, and job in the few months it's been since moving. So in that regard, it was nice to have all that settled so that I could truly enjoy and celebrate the March festivities.

I ended up doing a pedal tavern through the Ballard neighborhood breweries for my birthday. It was something on my bucket list for a while, and I'm glad I got to experience it with my 2 good friends from high school and college, as well as my Seattle peeps.

On my actual birthday, I ended up celebrating with my friend Stephanie at her bachelorette party in Palm Springs! It really was everything I could have asked for: a countdown to midnight the night before; morning yoga at the Airbnb; a personal bartender for day drinking at the pool. More importantly, getting to share that experience with friends that have been there since the start.

I will say the one hint of disappointment I have is that I was basically out of commission from 6pm onwards. The biggest culprits being that we did a lot of mixing, and that I didn't eat anything past breakfast.

BUT I will say if blacking out on my birthday has any silver linings, it's this: I will not be spending any more of my 30s in that condition, if I can help it. I want to remember the big moments! Especially when I'm with friends. And in your 20s, I feel like you get a free pass because you're young and don't know any better. Plus there's so many opportunities to get to do it all again the next weekend.

But with all the planning and coordination to get people together in this life stage for various weddings and group trips, it's not worth it for it to get to that point. I'm grateful that I was in the safety of the Airbnb; that I didn't have to get carried around a new city that I didn't know; that I didn't have to place the burden of taking care of me onto anyone.

But I did miss out on what could have been an even more memorable experience. AND then that even had implications on me getting sick when I returned from the trip!

To give myself self a little grace and forgiveness, it was my 30th. Like, that is pretty much how it's supposed to go. But if I can help it, my new rules include: shot limits and food consumption. NO exceptions.

I'm older, and I know myself. And I'm grateful that I have this example to remember, and to set the tone and intention for the years to come. It doesn't have to be either or; but it can be about celebrating AND remembering. They're equally important.

And I owe it to myself to remember.

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You're on your own, kid.

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Words that cut.

I don't think I could ever say this out loud to them. And truthfully, maybe I am too sensitive. But as much as I love my siblings, they have said things in the last few months that have rubbed me the wrong way. So here I am to vent.

My brother has historically had a pattern of taking my accomplishments and minimizing them. And I don't know if he has the self awareness to realize that he does this. But it's almost like a knee jerk reaction at this point, and I just have unfortunately learned to expect it. It started out with pretty innocuous things. Like when I started out with Crossfit, I would share my new PRs for certain lifts, and time after time he would reply back with what his PR for that same lift was (surprise, they were almost always more). On some level, I think he did this to relate to me, but how it came off and was delivered felt pretty much like he was trying to one up me, at every opportunity. Discrediting the time and effort put in to even getting that far. A simple 'congrats', would have sufficed.

Other examples have been various graduation and white coat ceremonies. Most of the time, he would be referencing someone else, pretty much saying that he didn't really understand the point of graduations. It's like 'doing the bare minimum. Like they should do ceremonies for board exam results instead'. Or for white coats: 'they give white coats out for everything now huh? Like it's just a lab coat that's just over glorified'.

Most recently, when I moved into my new apartment, I was on a FaceTime call with him and Anvy, and I was going on and on about how excited I was that I had my own place. The context being that last year, I had to split rent with someone in Seattle because I just couldn't afford it. And LITERALLY the first comments out of his mouth were how small my place, particularly my TV, were. 'Simple Dan', he said, somehow saying he admired my 'humility' and how I could live so simply and how he could never do that. Truthfully, it was condescending and not appreciated.

Any time I go on a trip abroad, though, it's always a slew of unnecessary comments that "I should be saving money".

Like which is it. Am I too stingy? Am I spending too much? It's always a lose lose, and it can be tiring at times to hear that not just from my parents, but from him too? Yeah no, you don't get to have that power over me anymore.

And as far as my sister goes, I always kind of just assumed we were on the same page. We get along pretty well when we're together. We both lived in El Paso and went to the same school. We know a lot of the same people. We have very similar careers. I always just thought she got me.

But come to find we were at my cousin's wedding last November, and me and my cousins were just hanging at the dinner table late one night talking about all kinds of things. Ariel brought up that she always admired the Millar siblings, that we always seemed so close. That it seemed like we would be friends, even if we weren't siblings (in complete contrast to her relationship with her brothers growing up). And I was the first to respond, oh yeah totally! I could totally see that.

My sister: absolute. radio. silence. Just a side eye, with no comments had. And then when pried about it? She had the audacity to say no in front of everybody. It was the first time I like rethought about our relationship, and was like, were we actually not that close this whole time? Like am I completely delusional? And isn't that like, really rude? At least LIE for my sake. So embarrassing.

I don't really question whether or not they love me or have love for me. That goes without saying. Family is family. Of course I love them. But with both of them, I always bragged to other people that I felt like I was lucky growing up and that we actually liked either other.

Maybe I'm just the one that looks at everything through rose-colored glasses. Admittedly, that might be giving me too much credit too. Not sure if this is me gaslighting myself, overthinking things, or being too sensitive. But here we are.

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