imnotlostimlooking - Tumblr blog

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I am haunted by the detailed, completed map of Hell that Edwin took notes on. You don’t understand, it makes me sick. It’s one thing to have a basic layout, a vague idea, or a rudimentary map but it was meticulously detailed. Down to doors and what they do and where they go. Down to secret spaces in the walls. He even knew what ringing an innocuous bell would do. It can only mean one thing. We don’t know when Edwin began trying to escape, but assuming he started from the get go, it means that he spent all his decades in Hell trying to find a way out. He never stopped running. And that is assuming he never stopped. From his second trip, we could see he resorted to his old ways and ran. But he was eventually caught, reduced to pieces. Even when Charles showed up, he didn’t seem very optimistic about their chances. He could feel every second of those 70 years. There were likely many times he fell to hopelessness, trembling in the corner watching himself be desecrated knowing it was going to happen again and again. How long? How many times did he try to be so, so quiet, hoping he would have a few moments before the next round? How many times did he muster the ability to run, just one more time? How long did it take him to run, discovering the ends of each ring? How many times did he sprint up, down, north, south, east, west, trying to escape? And what happened when he finally escaped? How long did it take for him to be able to relax, even a little? Because he can never relax. He must always outrun Death and her constituents because he can’t count on them to be fair. How many times does he look over his shoulder, waiting for the monster to claim its eternal meal once again? His breath of fresh air, his first taste of companionship in ages not only keeps him company, but sticks by him. And then, in that blessing there comes a curse, because now you have something to lose. Because when you taste ambrosia how can you return to starvation? He feels safe with Charles. Happy and comfortable, but the threat always lingers. And he knows that Charles couldn’t fend off Death. He never considered he could fend off Hell beasts; after all, he’s just a ghost kid. He watches innocents be slaughtered on repeat, unphased by the level of violence but no less affected by it, because no one has even a clue what it takes to be this kind. Even at his most happy, he has so, so much to lose and he goes back to Hell when hope was dangled in his face like the fruit of Tantalus. When he returns, he’s subjected to Hell once again, sustaining through torture that obliterates souls, only to watch his best friend, his confidant, his platonic soulmate, die horrifically. This woman who gave him sea-glass courage, so powerful and yet so fragile. Allowed him to be himself, gave him permission to do so. Was the openness to his closed self, and now she is gone. And he retains his composure, his stiff, British posture because it is what has saved him from madness and Despair, protected him, and now the world is darker without Niko Sasaki in it. But surely he saw this coming. After all, humans are messy. And yet, he shows up for their souls, time and time again.

Edwin Payne is THE character.

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I don't want Charles to just fall in love with Edwin because he has realised it is a possibility between them.

I want Charles to look at Edwin, his best mate for two thirds of his existence, who he knows better than anyone else on this or any other plane of existence, and actively choose to try and fall in love with him. I want him to think about it and weigh his options and consider how it would change their relationship, and I want him to take that step with his eyes wide open, because he loves Edwin more than anything and he wants to love him in this way too. I want Charles to choose Edwin over anything and anyone else, because that is what he has done ever since they met, and I want him to do it with the biggest smile and the absolute certainty that they will always be each other's person, no matter what.

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one thing i love about charles is that he's always ready to throw down. no problem is so complex it can't be solved with violence. he looked at this fucked up, illogical world of supernatural horrors beyond comprehension with its myriad complicated rules, where every entity has it's own unique vulnerability and decided that you know what? there actually is a universal solution to every problem called Bash That Thing's Fucking Head In - and it works a solid 99% of the time!

Much like he doesn't care about every lock having a unique key, he doesn't care about the specifics of defeating monsters and nightmares. Yeah he knows all about casting spells, this next one is something called MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

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Illustrations by SILLVI

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Consider this: Charles treating falling in love with Edwin like an adventure.

Charles purposefully watching Edwin in his normal day-to-day so he can find the moments where he feels something more, taking Edwin on walks so they can talk about their feelings and hopes and expectations, trying to be closer physically as well as emotionally.

Charles being giddy and excited and overjoyed when he looks at Edwin one day and feels his heart seizing up, and having to tell Edwin about it immediately, because isn't this great? He couldn't say he was in love with Edwin back on the stairway to hell, but he's getting closer every day.

Charles wanting to fall in love with Edwin with the earnest intensity of someone who has loved Edwin in every other way for three decades.

And Edwin, who considered his feelings for Charles an affliction he should apologise for, watching this ray of human sunshine being absolutely overjoyed by slowly reciprocating his feelings and the opportunity to love him back.

[imnotlostimlooking]

personally obsessed with the way charles looks so terribly fond and amused every time edwin acts like a cunt or a smartass

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So close yet so far

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Dog was shook

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Heartstopper (2x08): Perfect

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So talented

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