imonlyhuman97

[imonlyhuman97]

I won't ever say I’m lost. As I look back on the days I was, I regret wanting to be found. It’s easier being lost. It’s easier being blind. Or perhaps I had always just chosen to keep my eyes closed. I feared the pain that would come with opening them. I feared what it would cost me. I was happier living inside a lie. And damn was it beautiful wandering around in the darkness. The world was way brighter when I believed people were mostly fucking good. A part of me almost gave up on seeing the good at all. Until I met you. You managed to remain golden in a world full of spray painted imposters. It's alarming how paint can appear just as shiny as true gold. I hate not knowing the difference. However even if I noticed the fake coloring, I would lie to myself and refuse to see the paint for what it is.. id simply tell myself it’s gold. Did ponyboy managed to stay true and remain golden? If he didn’t I can't hold it against him. To be a hero would mean accepting the hurt that comes along with it. Nothing hurts a villain. I think we all fail to realize how much pain you must shoulder to be the one that tries to save others. Why does it hurt so fucking bad to be good? Unfortunately for joining them was never an option. I never wanted to beat them, I just wanted to give them the power to beat the coldness within themselves. I just hoped to make a difference. Am I fighting a losing battle? Even if I made a difference would this world truly be deserving of it? I fear to many of us have lost our humanity. I think about my future often. I think about my desire to be a mother. How much I yearn for a family. I think about how much this world has broken me. And how much I would love my child . I would spend everyday reminding them just how loved they are. I would raise them to forgive. I would raise them to be unjudgemental. I would teach them how to spot the good in others, even if they have to dig deep and search. I would never tell them dandelions are in fact weeds and not flowers. I would want them to see beauty in all things? It's when we start thinking a weed isn’t as special as a flower that we lose our innocence. We know diamonds are made under pressure. We should remember that pressure creates something fucking beautiful. Is there beauty in the breaking? Being a diamond isn't always safe, that's why we pretend to be rhinestones. We have to hide how big our hearts are or how truly good we are. Ive never wanted to be cold. I have no desire to be anything other than who I am. I have the desire to leave. Pack my bags and find a new place to lay my roots. I'm afraid I’ll see people have hidden there true selves and painted themselves gold anywhere I go. It's better to go. I started seeing paint flakes fall off my family and the people I believed were my friends. I trusted them. I showed them who I really was. And they knew that I in fact wasn't a rhinestone but a fucking diamond. That's the moment they tried to bury me. They knew they couldn't break me. So instead they try to hide me away from the world. I’m a good fucking person. I refuse to be broken. All the pressure made me unsinkable. I refuse to stay in this town painted beautiful but steadily chipping. One day I'll fly away. I need to be somewhere I can see more than just a glimpse of beauty. I need to go somewhere I haven’t seen to much uglyness.

[imonlyhuman97]

I haven't met a single soul that doesn't battle their own addiction. Although not all of us share the same, we all experience a similar shattering pain. A pain of realization and regret.

How did we get here?

We just wanted to have a good time. How unfortunate we didn't realize that it's when the fun ends that the habit begins.

We watched the ones we love fall victims to the devices. We weren't raised better. How can we blame another for the choices we made?

I fall into the category with the worst kind of excuse. We needed to see what was so damn special, why every person we love chose drugs over us. We witnessed the consequences, we saw all the struggles. We fucking knew better and perhaps that makes me the dumbest kind of addict.

This world is so cold. We should all be offering a helping hand instead of turning our back on each other. Why don't we?

We know not one drug is the same, but we like to fool ourselves and to thinking we're better than the next addict.

"At least I'm not strung out on meth"

"If I was really bad I'd be shooting heroin."

"there's nothing wrong with popping a few pills"

We all like to believe we are somehow better than the next.

The snorter says it's not that bad because I'm not smoking it.

The smoker says at least I'm not fucked up enough to shoot it.

We're all poisoning our bodies in the end, no matter how we choose to let the poison in. We sit here and ponder what will happen if we destroy ourselves.

Is it us who suffers the most?

Destroying the person you were might be your very own personal form of karma. Maybe it's what we deserve. We're all so fucking high we can't feel the pain.

We claim someday we'll change. When is that day going to come?

We all have an addiction. We are all the same

[imonlyhuman97]

I need to learn how to live my life trapped and smothered in pain. I'll have to be content stuck within my cracked and broken shell.

I will have to be okay walking around feeling as if half of me has already died.

I desire nothing more than feeling okay. But my life doesn't work that way.

This world needs broken people

We're all a little broken. It's the ones who are shattered that must give their pieces to the ones who's cracks can be fixed..

I'm too young to be this broken.

Who did this to me? Is there somebody out there to blame?

I fear I brought this on myself. It was nothing other than my own expectations that broke me.

I hate myself for what I've done to the smiling and innocent girl I used to be

. I don't believe it anymore... we're not all going to be okay.. I don't think I ever will be

[imonlyhuman97]

The otter.

Present.

"Running from one idea to another without focus."

Calm. Steady. Peaceful. Unrushed. Plenty of Time. Stop. Smell the roses.

Words caught on the tip of my tongue describing the past.

Fast. Unsteady. Messy. Run. No time. Now or never.

I'm tripping over myself trying to keep up with the world around me.

Hard hands against my skull trying to unscramble My thoughts.

What is it I want?

Stop. Get clean. Find myself again.

There are days I'm overwhelmed with a strong desire to live my life sober.

Go. False confidence. No feelings.

Other days I fear I won't feel alive if I'm not high.

It was a choice I didn't know how to make. The easiest path isn't necessarily the right one.

The weight I've shoulder for so long has already weakened me. There's no way in my broken state I would have made it down the hard path.

The guilt was unbearable. I didn't want to feel, so I chose to numb.

I. Got. High.

But it didn't stop the study hammering of thoughts in my brain. I can't piece together what I want And I damn sure don't know what I need..

Finally. Realization. Truth. Let it hurt. Feel it all. Healing.

I'll lose myself If I continue down the path I'm on. Take the risk. I'm built for pressure. I'm a diamond. I turn around, and take the first step towards a brighter future.

Trip. Stumble. Over and over I fall. And time and time again I stand back up.

I'm the hero of my story. Damsel in distress I am not. I'll save myself. One rocky step at a time.

Sober.

[imonlyhuman97]

[imonlyhuman97]

It hurt to think of who I owed my anger too, I couldn't blame me so I had to blame you.

Even though you both were my friends you led me down a road I pray I can mend.

I wouldn't have accepted a hug so this deep hole I've dug.

I can't blame you even if you first offered me drugs.

I left so they couldn't watch when I slowly my life Slipped Away.

My new friends focused only on a pointed tip, I remember their faces every time they would miss.

I wonder If  I had not lost my hope that cold night, would anything have changed when I saw my child smile?

After that night the needle helped me hold a fake & cold smile.

I hate myself for letting this be the life that I live.

I'll never blame my family if the chose not to forgive.

Because I fear it's to far for it to matter either way.

I'd leave earth today to spare them the pain.

Am I finally happy now?

Go on you monster, let's take a bow.

Is this goodbye? So long? Farewell?

Go ahead & ask me.. But the truth is a living hell.

[imonlyhuman97]

Truth.

The truth had been tattooed across my face in bold unforgiving ink.

Every glance in the mirror is a permanent reminder that I cannot ignore.

Truth. Hurt. Betrayal.

I chose not to remember.

Makeup.

Rose colored glasses.

I carefully paint a new less painful reality.

A mirage.

Still I stare in the mirror and smile..

I'm content with my beautiful lie

[imonlyhuman97]

This too shall pass. Were all gonna be okay.

Im trying so fucking hard to believe in that. I'm trying to hold onto to hope.. But it's slipping away from me. It's as if long ago I had been prepared. I had gloves to protect my hands from rope burn brought on by emptiness. But now the gloves are worn out, and my hands have begun to feel the sting. I just pray I don't lose my gloves again.

does that make sense? Because I'm not strong enough to hold on without them. It simply Burns too much.

[imonlyhuman97]

Pencil.. Pencil feels less permanent. Mistakes are fixable. My life is written in pen.. But I wish it was in pencil.

[imonlyhuman97]

Let Her Go..

Approach my deviant friend. He coaxed her a voice full of beautiful promises crafted by his demons. Let impulse urge you. Omit self love. Intertwine your evil into mine. Let me within and the pain will end. You’ll try! Easy my darling. I’ll always be your guide. Pick one. Eat. Snort. Smoke. Shoot. Try! She’s fucking high. Now begins the desend. Slow or fast. Oblivion will come. Forever by your side. Weak you’ll eternally be. They told you of me! My playmate don’t even believe lies. But don’t, you can’t believe every noise you hear anymore. Perpetually abandoning your necessity in everyone. Your perspective of my Master Control caused a death grip. Your spirit and mortality they forced her closer to annihilation. And she clung to the only thing she knew would numb it fast. The painkillers as she called it still stop numbing too fast. And a once exquisite Soul turned cold hearted and a monster at last. She drowned it every night and thoughts of her past. Tears fell she knew it would be the last. With a final Plunge deep in her arm he let go at last. Destroying the girl they all seemed to love. Even he loved her. And they all called him dope.

[imonlyhuman97]

Let Her Go..

Come. Have no fear.

Approach my deviant friend.

a voice dripping with beautiful promises crafted by demons lured her in

Let impulse control you.

Go on. Omit self love. Take my hand. Intertwine your evil desires with mine.

If you simply Let me within I promise all your pain will end.

Of course you'll try! No need to take it Easy my darling.

You have me. I'll be your guide.

Pick your method.

Eat. Snort. Smoke. Shoot.

She's fucking high.

You know what they say?

What goes up must come down.

She quickly begins to desend.

It doesn't matter. Slow or fast.

Oblivion will come.

I'll Forever be by your side.

I control you and Weak you'll eternally be.

I hear them whisper. I know They told you of me!

I've shown you the truth. Ignore the warnings you hear.

After all you can't believe every noise you hear anymore. I've managed to get you all alone.Perpetually abandoning your necessity in everyone. Your perspective of my Master Control was flawed and now I've got a death grip.

Your spirit and mortality fade away.

Everyday forces you closer to annihilation.

You have no desire to feel. No desire to hurt. So you clung to the only thing you knew would numb it fast.

You continue to drink me up. But you've lost the high.

And a once exquisite Soul turned into a cold heartless monster at last.

It's easier when you deowned out the thoughts of your past. As your tears begin to fall somehow you knew they would be the last. Hope disappears and you give up at last.

a final Plunge deep in your arm and ill let go at last.

It's been so much fun Destroying the girl they all seemed to love.

For even I loved you.

But I'm only dope