implicitlysad - Tumblr blog

[implicitlysad]

Im lying in bed beside someone who isnt mine and I'm back to knowing that you like me but not enough to keep me.

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And every few days I see myself in him.

Does his world see the same shimmer as mine does in his presence

Or does the idea of him so perfect in my eyes his only hand to show.

He's nice, and the gestures so movie-like fill my chest with warmth

I know not if it remains only a mirror of my words and the little gifts and gestures of my own.

Does he care or is he here to fill a hole left by a sword ive only heard the works of?

Will he run back into the arms he belongs truly and safely in when the clock rings closed?

Doubts creep in as I'll never feel safe being held by someone who was never truly mine to persue.

If he raises up his courage and asks me today, if i'd pick me or her.

With a smile and new walls around my heart I'll say for him its her love that'll make him whole.

Im a passing story, im a memory lost, for every hand ive grazed till now.

Maybe one day im proven wrong, i hope he proves me wrong

but im again as ive always stood, nodding along perfectly posed, as i hear what ive heard so often about unhealed wounds and unknown love.

Words that i see bright, red and bold.

I like you oh so desperately, so special you hold a place in my heart, but dont hold your breathe for my love you bitter young heart

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"Your boy"

No two words cut as deep wounds, as did his voice calling his own self mine.

For I knew oh too well he belonged to someone else.

Hope stings harder than honest words and darts of silver.

The warmth that grew in me left me bleeding in my dusty tomb of lies.

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I wore something new something I loved, I took an extra 5 perfecting my liner in my blurry blotched mirror.

My precious bottle of perfume handily stored in my bag today, all for the 5 minutes you could take out of your day

I left work early, I told the people I love that I'm sorry and that I'll see them around.

And now Ik It's silly and now I know I'm naive when I'm standing alone only to know how I moulded my whole day to you while I was only a minor inconvenience to yours

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Two shades of green

One haunts half my wardrobe. My friends call me by your name and I'm drawn to you like moths to a flame.

Another my least liked, making me immediately turn away and make a face of disapproval like a child having been handed sour lemon.

Oh what a world.

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I saw him run in right before the doors of our building closed fixing his hair and talking to a friend of his. It's a movie scene to me.

His eyes coming up to meet mine when he notices someone looking at him from the corner of his eye.

The way his face lit up and the smile that had to be instinctual.

And our little wave.

It was two seconds of my day, but I replayed the scene over and over till it consumed me whole.

And nothing would fullfill me and my heart other than to know that a moment with me consumes his mind too.

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I hate birthdays

It reminds me of all my failures and every birthday I was never supposed to make it to

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I miss my friends dearly but they live in the same city

They call me out thrice a week for dinner and beer and poetic escapades we journey under haze

I miss my friends dearly and yet an apology flows and I bind myself into hollow oaths about not missing the next invite my way

I love my friends dearly but today I'm not too patient, neither am I feeling kind and they don't deserve to be treated with my words so crude

I miss my friends dearly but today they will not see me, for the me they miss is a different woman from the me I am this day

I miss my friends dearly but my little trains are running too fast and are too many to count

I miss my friends dearly but if I turn to greet them with the warmth they deserve I fear I'll miss the train to my destiny

I miss my friends dearly and I feel undeserving of their love

I miss my friends dearly and hope they forgive me anyhow

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Anyone else have a completely warped sense of self?

I dont know what I look like, or sound like, or am perceived as.

I don't know what characteristics of mine charm you and which of them make your skin crawl.

I don't know if I'd like me if I'd met me

Would I be the stranger at the bar I'd immediately go befriend or the girl who's loud voice I judge from where I sit.

Who am I if I were you!?

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Tick tock tick

I stare at the clock on my wall convincing myself to focus PLEASE JUST FOCUS on oh what's important

But I keep running to my door, hoping to find you on the other side

One sheep two sheep three sheep

I keep waiting to hear the little buzz that tells me you finally decided to respond

I know you saw my little notes and chimes hours ago.

Tick *sigh* only to humour my beating heart, tock tick

I open and slam the door a couple hundred times

Please tell me you're thinking of me and are being held hostage

Five sheep, six sheep

Why else would you be so far and yet so unbothered

You smiled at every word I said and that meant something

Tick......ti-

It HAD TO HAVE MEANT SOMETHING

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The fireworks outside my little west facing window

Tells me another year has passed me and my blurry eyes by

I rock back and forth on my dusty old chair digging up old memories to share among newer friends

The cigarettes under his boots mimic the fading light behind his eyes

I'm at a loss for words because none of my friends were truly mine

I see myself a little older, in a new city among new faces, digging up stories of today - after a couple glasses of chardonnay.

I see every passing moment, what was and what will be

I see them through the eyes of a dying woman, old and rusty

How do I see what I've not yet lived through, as a flicker of a memory long forgotten and chewed

Am I here with air in my dusty lungs?

Or am I a faltering memory of yours from a hospital bed?

I know not my state, please show me the blood in my viens and tell me where I am.

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I'd say a lot if a picked up my phone and dialed an archived number

I'd ask if he's alright and if his sister made it to her new home just fine

I'd show him a movie I watched and thought he'd have liked

I'll send the pictures I saved in a folder because I took them having forgotten i can no longer milk our inside jokes

His daily stories now only uploaded once a month, I wonder if hes busy or in a place shrouded in the darkness of his mind

I talk to his old friends and send out a quite prayer

I hope you're okay and I know you'll be alright

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When he didn't understand after an hour of stammering

And I was sure he never would if I gave him a couple more

I realized in a bittersweet daze

That my will wasn't enough for him to be the one

Choking on my words

He cannot fathom the weight that holds me in place inspite of myself

And I cannot understand how years have worn his soul out

Our lights two different wavelengths for him to be the one

He says I can if I willed

How do I show him the broken bonds that take my chemical deficits out of my control

His mind and mine saw wildly varying big bangs

Our universes too far apart for him to be the one

His brows furrowed and his eyes closed

The genius behind the smallest movements of his fingers when u hand him a language he knows

His thoughts unknown to me

I do not know the language well enough for him to be the one

He needs only his beating heart to feel the muse

He sees the waves and the copper string vibrates in tune with his natural frequency

I'll sell my heart, tell it to stop beating, for only my words and my voice are my life source

Too lost we were for him to be the one

I'm lost in his rhythm

As I hope he's too in my rhymes

Both our minds wavering, a pendulum breaking through white skull

Neither knocked on the door to truly unfold the truth to him being the one

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A hollow goodbye to everyone I've lost

Vaibhav, I lost your number, my old diary could maybe find me your address.....but I lost my old diary

Reet, I know where your grandma lives, your birthday is one day before mine, I have the little red box you gave me your number and address in so I could keep it safe while my toes settled into new cities

Suganya, maybe my old Nokia can dig your mom's email up, oh weren't we so small, will a picture of us from school maybe help you remember?

I remember so many faces and their names on the tip of my tongue

Her braids I still remember. His spiked up hair and basketball shorts. Her hello kitty watch.....

If you rewind my life I couldn't name most names and my heart aches.

I loved my childhood of change but there r nights it cuts little scraps out of my heart

And reminds me every impression is on beach sand

And two years I give myself two years for the waves to drag into it's depth my own name

And pray till then no human feet have erased the little sign off the wave lines of my memory beach.

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I'm forever chased

Chased by my 13 year old self and chased by my 15 year old self

I'm chased by every voice I hushed on my way to be my very best

My very best crumbled when one voice let loose it's brethen

And I feel my much too loud a heart

Running down the winding streets of my thoughts

Hopping across cracked platforms in cinderella's glass shoes that never did fit me

Truly find my perfectly in-sight future, clear as the blue sky

Where I was forever chased and forever will be

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I have so much to give

And it takes so much unlearning to stop holding back

I have to remind myself not to hold back from telling the people I love how much I adore them

I have to tell myself that it's okay for my friends tp know how excited I am to see them

I have fight the voice that tells they it's too much and allow myself to be embarrassingly myself

Text them 50 times, it's okay if they haven't replied yet, they will when they are free

Stop thinking about how they'll react, if they know you they'll know your intentions, If they haven't bothered go know you enough they aren't worth changing for anyhow

I wanna write all my friends little poems and draw little hearts on their shirt sleeves

I wanna watch movies with them all night and make them coffee

I wanna sit on their floor and gossip, and I don't care if it's a Wednesday and I need to be in class at 9am

I want to help them with their house and sit on call for hours while we finish out chores

I don't wanna hold back my time or my love for everyone

I hate how I was made to believe that I had to do so to be loved

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I know what love is

I know what love is

It's K putting back every book I knock over in excitement as I run across sections of my favorite bookstore.

He held my arm all evening when I wore heels I couldn't walk in for my high school farewell.

It was his farewell too, and he spent it by my side.

I know what love is

It's A sitting with me on call every night before our exams. She's the only reason I did well that year.

She still sends me pictures of my favorite bookstore because even in my absence she holds my spirit dear.

I know what love is

It's J picking up my call at 4am when I'm crying my eyes out. We've spent so many hours driving around the same block talking about our lives and the moon and the stars.

He knows my coffee order and I can paint you his family tree.

I know what love is

It's D inviting me on his family vacation - "You were the first person I thought of".

I know his scars and he knows mine. And we know no one else gets to see the raw cut gems.

I know what love is

It's Y calling me every time I was out past 12 the whole year we lived together. She hated the flirts that wronged me more than I ever will.

I'll run down a few people for her and I know whom she'd add to that list.

I know what love is

It's V shoving fries in my mouth while I work. I know his coffee preferences better than he does.

I make my friends listen to what he writes and tell them how proud I am of everything he's working towards.

I Know what love is

It's A making me breakfast when she's as hungover as i am. I'm scared to tell her how much appreciate her call, she trusts me with the bad.

Everyone trusts with the good, it's precious when they do so with their darker parts.

I know what love is

It's J showing up. Every "I'll be there" accounted for. My last day on a stage I've spent every Tuesday on this year. Insipte of the million " idk man, I'm busy".

He still showed up every time.

I know what love is

It's every small detail my friends notice and bring back like little references that come full circle in movies.

It's P dragging me to get coffee when I'm cranky and A bringing me chocolates to see my face light up.

It's my friends who remind me to eat and my sister whom I can count on without hesitation.

I know what love is

Because they taught me what love is.