imqueenbean

[imqueenbean]

I had a really stressful day, a lot of bs at work, then my mom pocketing $$$ that was meant for me and the parking lot kidnapping my car by "loosing" my keys. All I want is your cuddles and to hear your laugh one more time.

[imqueenbean]

After 2 years and one month, I finally got to kiss him again. I wasn't expecting it, it's something I've been dreaming about and it finally happened.

But his lips didn't taste the same. They had a bitter taste, they're not mine anymore, and mine aren't his. I knew I didn't have feelings for him anymore, but I needed to confirm it. All those sleepless nights, crying for months. Begging he'd come back because I was dying without him until I finally did. I died, and my soul left my body. I'm not the same, I'm really not. I feel no joy like I used to. Even though the wound that he caused healed, I can't feel anything anymore.

He died too, the second he didn't choose me, the man who loved me died. He looks the same, acts the same, but that's not who I fell in love with.

[imqueenbean]

Te extraño mi Juanito pero los dos merecemos cosas distintas 💔

[imqueenbean]

[imqueenbean]

I don't like the way you treat me. I let it fly because I don't want anything serious but idk I'm used to a different and better treatment.

Like Sunday, I never ask for attention, yes I ask for cuddles sometimes but I never ask for attention. And Sunday I did and got the opposite of it.

I got mad and wanted to leave, you convinced me to stay but didn't do much to make me feel better. I had a panic attack and that's why I was crying because I didn't want to be there.

Monday again you convinced me to stay and literally for what? Nothing.

That text when you said "what are you going to cook?" Yes I know it's was a joke but cmon. I was literally feeling like shit and instead of you trying to make feel better you do that.

[imqueenbean]

He said the "treatment" he gives me it's not worth it if I'm not his girlfriend...

Treatment? What Treatment?

Sending me Ubers and buying me food? That's so basic, I can get my own Ubers and pay for my own food, he's literally acting like he does a lot for me.

I wish HE would sit down with Chris and tell him how to really treat a woman. Waking me up with coffee and kisses, opening the door of the Uber so he can sneak in one last kiss. Asking did you eat already? And if the answer was no, he was already ordering a feast for me because he knows that I like to eat a little bit of everything. He'd even include multiple drinks and extra things to brighten my day, never forgetting about the little bouquet of lolies and the mandatory love note. I hate comparing, but if we do, you'll lose. MIND YOU, we weren't officially dating either. And after we did become official the treatment only got better and stayed consistent. The dates became fancier and he would provide everything I needed without me even asking.

[imqueenbean]

My best friend disappointed me once again, and this time, I called him out on the spot. I thought he was going to be more apologetic and make up for his actions. Instead, he decided to ghost me. I can't force someone to care about me, I can't show someone how to care for me. Lately, I feel that people have no sympathy for me. They make me feel like I shouldn't have feelings and that everything bad that's happened/happening to me is my fault. I feel alone, I have no one in my corner and feel like the whole world is against me. I at least thought I could count on my best friend, but even him has abandoned me.

[imqueenbean]

Mother's Day is so traumatic for me as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I wish I was exaggerating when I say I have ptsd from her. The year I went no contact with her, I fainted on Mother's Day. I wish I could tell her how much I hate her and that I wish as much as her that she wasn't my mother.

[imqueenbean]

[imqueenbean]

[imqueenbean]

You want exaggerated, I'll give you exaggerated

[imqueenbean]

Pt.2

[imqueenbean]

[imqueenbean]

Si te contará por todo lo que eh pasado sin que me critiques y fueras capaz de entender mi dolor, te contaría todo. Siento que fuera liberador, que alguien entendiera porque soy como soy. Pero te falta empatia e inteligencia emocional. No voy a desnudarme emocionalmente ante ti porque no confío en ti. Eres de las personas que si digo que estoy triste, simplemente me vas a decir "Pues no lo estes" sin querer entender la razón de por que estoy triste o hacerme sentir tonta por dejarme aguitar. Querer disminuir mis sentimientos porque tu piensas que no tengo razón suficiente para sentirlos es de una persona sin empatia. Porque si hay algo que para mí significa mucho y para ti no y ese algo se rompe, yo no espero que a ti te importe pero esperaría que me consuelas. Y se que no lo harías, porque para ti es algo insignificante que no merece tiempo por tanto ami tampoco me debería importar. Es algo que no me gusta de ti y siento que es un gran motivo para no enamorarme de ti.

[imqueenbean]

Imagine getting PTSD on top of PTSD, on top of PTSD.

People wonder why I'm so sad and have so much anxiety. I hate explaining myself to people, and they don't deserve to know all I've been through. I've been hurt so deep that it's taken years of healing, and I can still feel the pain, like if it was happening right now.

[imqueenbean]

I'm always there for everyone and anyone, comforting them, listening, trying to make them feel better. But who's there for me? Lu? He's a hit or miss, depending on what it is, which makes him unreliable. If I come to him and he just tells me to get over it, I get more upset. All I want is empathy, life's always throwing shit at me. I don't wanna hear about what I should've done or not. I can't change the past, I can't control other people's actions. I'm tired and hurt. Don't tell me how I shouldn't have been on the bullet's way while watching me blead. I didn't choose this, I didn't choose any of this. Just tell me I don't deserve this and that I'll be ok.

[imqueenbean]

Por que no me puedo enamorar de alguien mas?

Porque nadie se va a comparar a el, todos los miles de detallitos. Me encanta el romanticismo, los chocolates, las notitas, las flores, las canciones. Sabia lo que queria de desayunar, comer y cenar. Sabia como hacer mi corazón latir mas rapido desde antes de conocerme. Los ramitos de paletitas que ponia cada vez que ordenaba comida, el mensajito en mi cafe. Cuando compro una leche de soya para cuando yo ordenara cafe en el diner que el trabaja. Sabia cuando estaba triste como si fuera su sexto sentido y sabia exactamente que hacer para encontentarme. Como cuando se me antojo un croissant de chocolate y antes de que yo dijera algo, el entro y me entrego el croissant calientito. Me hizo tan feliz que lo abraze y empecé a llorar. Nunca en la vida había llorando lágrimas de felicidad mas que con el. Yo era la persona mas feliz del mundo cuando estaba con el, todo lo sentia posible. Jugar Mario Kart con el, ir hiking, salir a comparison amigos, nunca me aburria con el. Siempre tenia una actividad planeada y si no se la inventaba. Me hacia sentir especial y vista.