in-a-world-that-wont-shut-up

[in-a-world-that-wont-shut-up]

That night I wore my fanciest dress and in a moment of splendor, applied makeup. I felt beautiful, I felt content, surrounded by my friends who were just as beautiful as I.

He and I snuck up to my room for a moment alone.

Me, barefoot in my floor length dress and golden eyeliner, the vision of a queen.

Him, with sneakers and a tie, the vision of a boy who didn’t know what he wanted.

I felt something then, maybe for the first time.

Our kisses were passionate, personal, the stolen kisses of lovers at a party.

Something about him transformed that night

Or maybe something in me shifted, made room for something new

We snuck away from the chaos of the beautiful people downstairs and stole a moment for ourselves.

I held him and he held me and I felt it, and I believed to the last of my atoms that he did too

And then we denied ourselves

He did not feel it,

Maybe he could not feel it

And so I walked alone through the dark and cold with the first tears I have spilled over love

And the space inside me that had shifted to make room for this new and beautiful feeling was suddenly empty 

[in-a-world-that-wont-shut-up]

On Loneliness

See that's the funny thing about feeling lonely, it’s a loop that you willingly allow yourself to fall back into. A viscous cycle of hating the people that you can’t connect with then hating yourself for not being able to connect. The loneliness loop makes one feel unlovable; attempting to pick yourself up and piece yourself back together, then relying on and trusting your friends and family again, and then losing them and rinse and repeat. It’s horrific. I’m tired of being torn apart, of allowing myself to be torn apart. To wallow in self pity and self indulgence, it’s so utterly human of me, it’s disgusting!

Isolation will drive a man crazy.

Loneliness will drive a man off a cliff.

The cure for loneliness isn’t companionship, its self realization.

One can be alone and not feel lonely, however, when one finds themselves spiraling downward in that malicious loop of self pity there are only a couple ways of clawing your way back up.

One can be humble and seek help, but this option often takes a certain kind of person and a certain kind of help. It’s a rare occurrence that the loneliness loop ends this easily.  

One can decide that the people in their life aren’t their people, so to speak, and pack up and move on. To forget and leave behind. Sometimes it’s the strongest thing someone can do in this life, but sometimes it’s the most cowardly.

Or, one can write and pretend like there is a cure.

At the end of the day loneliness may be my salvation. It forces one to take a hard look at why they have found themselves utterly alone and feeling unloved. How does one get to the point of feeling alone in a crowded room?

Scrolling through the contacts in your phone and realizing how alone you are despite all those contacts being just a press of a button away, so close, so close and yet so far.

It almost feels worse, to feel so isolated and disconnected, then to try to hang out with those you consider friends. It’s forced, uncomfortable, as though you’re burdening them with your company. So we distract ourselves: yoga, reading, art, facebook, netflix; whatever we can do to keep our minds off of the absence of companionship that follows us wherever we go.

It’s odd that sometimes the absence of something feels more real than it’s presence ever could. Or the presence of anything else for that matter.

Maybe the only cure is time.

Time heals, but it doesn’t solve.

The loneliness loop will still prey on us.

Friday nights spent alone, smoking bowls and listening to music. Telling yourself your company is enough, that being alone is part of your personality. BUt out of the corner of your eye you see the enemy looming, reaching out is gnarled hand to grab hold of your heart and squeeze it until it no longer beats. You understand something when your heart breaks, you understand how little control you have in this world.

If loneliness chooses you as it’s next victim, then all I can say is i’m sorry and I recommend walking to the closest bar, having a drink, and doing something reckless and spontaneous to remind yourself that it’s not the being alone aspect of loneliness that breaks us, it’s the fear of being alone and unloved forever. But if you can find a way to be here now, well, maybe you’ll find a temporary escape from the talons of loneliness that threaten to take hold of you.