in-all-ways-always

[in-all-ways-always]

I’m letting go.

[in-all-ways-always]

I don't get what's wrong with needing and wanting some attention moreso than others.

Like, so?? Does requiring a bit more attention than other people equate to me not deserving any at all? I get it, it may be tiring after sometime but, really? To completely, purposely, and wholeheartedly ignore one just because they asked for attention?? And to antagonize them too? What the fuck?? Just cut off the friendship, man. You fucking suck at it.

[in-all-ways-always]

[in-all-ways-always]

“Growth is painful. Change is painful.But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”

— Mandy Hale

[in-all-ways-always]

The hardest thing for me is always wondering why people choose to hurt me even when I've done nothing wrong to them.

[in-all-ways-always]

[in-all-ways-always]

I don't want life to end. I want my disorder to end. But it never will.

[in-all-ways-always]

I've wished so many times for you to reach out to me. For you to write to me, expressing that you've missed me too. That you've often thought of me, recalling everything we've experienced and endured together. And even today, there's nothing I long for more. I still miss you.

— r.r.

[in-all-ways-always]

[in-all-ways-always]

10/12/23

J,

I can’t do this anymore. Seeing Laura pop up again on my people you may know, and then seeing she followed you again. Yea, I’m done. I don’t think you ever stopped talking to her, and there’s obviously some connection on another level than just the physical.

I won’t sit around anymore and wait, it kills me to leave but it kills me to watch you go off with everyone else when I’m right here. I’ve always been here. I keep replaying in my head how you promised you would tell me if someone else was starting to get your attention. Instead of saying “no one could ever replace you, I won’t ever pick anyone else but you” instead of telling me I was irreplaceable, you told me without actually using these words, that I am very much replaceable. You know how irreplaceable you are to me, but you making that promise to me, told me I can be replaced at any moment. I’m sitting here waiting for something that isn’t even a guarantee. What happens if I wait all this time for you to be mine, only for you to turn around and say you want someone else? I wait for nothing, I wait to be let down.

It’s not fair to me, and it’s killing me. I love you to death, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. Keep Laura, keep all of them, but you can no longer have me. I won’t share anymore. You’ve shown me more times than I can count that I do not matter, that these people will always matter more. You’d rather lose me than lose any of them, you’d lose me to keep doing what you’re doing. I love you J, more than anything and you know I would’ve done anything in this world for you. But loving you won’t make you change or see the wrong in your ways.

I didn’t deserve any of this, none of it. You broke me J, you broke me down even more than when I came to you almost 2 years ago. I hope it was all worth it, to watch someone who loves you, unconditionally, struggle so much with their entire world falling apart around them, and you added to it. I hope it was worth it all those times you hurt me, especially when you did it intentionally. That is so evil, I would never do any of what you did to me. I have to go and pick up all the pieces now and put everything back together. I have to try and navigate through life again alone.

I hope all of it was worth it for you, you broke me and you broke my heart. You only think about yourself, you never ever stop to think about how your words and actions affect others. You made me want to KMS more than I had already wanted to. You made me feel like I was hard to love, hard to deal with, everything is my fault. This isn’t fair, it’s not fair. I get to pretend like I’m not literally dying inside and in literal hell and anguish. I have to pretend like I didn’t just lose a piece of my world.

I want to end it all, not just us, but my life as well.

[in-all-ways-always]

10/7/23

J,

Well I finally did what you said, I told my therapist everything between us. She said you sound like a manipulative narcissist. The whole time she kept apologizing and trying to console me because she could see how much I’m hurting, how badly I love you. I never ever wanted to talk about the shit between us or the things you do and say, because I already knew what she was gonna say. And I was right, about all of it. I’m very much aware of how much you manipulate me, how you gaslight me, you hurt me so much intentionally, and I’m more than aware of everything. I feel like you think I’m stupid and I don’t know that you’re fucking with my head. But I know it, I’m stupid for allowing it and putting up with it because I love you and I’m praying and hoping so bad that this is not who you really are. That you won’t spend the rest of our lives together manipulating and gaslighting me, making me feel like I’m crazy for the things I don’t agree with, the things I see and hear.

Remember when Eddie was live in the studio while you guys recorded Heathens, and I was texting you telling you he’s live, and how you should go in there and tell him to play better? I told you I was gonna be watching the live. So you walked in and told him to play better. You walked out and then a few minutes later walked in and started talking about the Asian chick you hooked up with the night before. Eddie cut the live so fast because he knew I was there.

You were so happy bragging about that, you know how much that hurt? Then to add another blow when I confronted you about it and you said you said that on purpose because you knew I was watching, that I’m always watching everything you do, I’m always spying. I asked how many people you fuck in a day including me, because I had just been with you the morning before. Then you told me you fuck all of them.

Then when I asked if you said it just to say it, about you hooking up with this girl the night before. You proceeded to tell me pretty much, that I would never really know if you were bullshitting or not. Do you know how fucking evil and fucked up that is to do something like that to someone who loves you and you supposedly love as well? I knew you were lying when I rushed over to the Roosevelt where you were working later that night, when you lied to me and said you never hooked up with an Asian the night before. I knew you were lying to me to make me shut up.

You said you intentionally started shit between us because I am always watching. Going back to it now, it’s like reliving it, and it hurts. I’m sitting here crying over some fucked up shit that happened almost a fucking year ago. Why are you like this? I will never ever understand why you do the things you do to me and treat me how you do. It doesn’t hurt you to hurt me, it doesn’t hurt you to see me hurting from all the shit you put me through. You say the most fucked up and hurtful things, with the intent to hurt me and I cannot for the life of me, understand why.

All I’ve ever done was love you unconditionally, I’m not perfect by any means, but I gave you all of me, every ounce, every fiber of my being, all that I am, all the love that I could possibly give, I have it all to you freely, willingly. When will you change, we will never work if you don’t get help now. I love you to death J, but my fucking God, I’m sick and tired of always hurting. I cannot handle it anymore, I don’t want to share you anymore. I don’t want to hear about how you’re out flirting with everyone at shows. It’s so embarrassing to me when these girls are saying you’re weird, flirtatious, giving off bad vibes and they call you a hoe, they know how you are. You know how humiliating that is to know that you’re that desperate for some fucking pussy, and the shit that you do is spreading like wildfire. I’m being told that everyone talks about you, about me. So they say you prey on the 18-20 year old girls because they’re stupid and gullible. That’s so disturbing, disgusting, pathetic and embarrassing.

I never wanted to hear any of that about you, I hate to know that you’re a creep. That you’ve flirted with these girls while I’m in the same vicinity as you. You have no shame? No dignity, no self respect or respect for me? People who are your friends telling me to leave you. But I love you and I can’t.

I tried leaving you, twice, the second time I was really done, those fucked up things you tweeted about me, how dare you. You came and fought for me and for once in the almost 2 fucking years that we’ve been talking, I felt like you didn’t want to lose me, like you actually loved me. You know losing you is something I fear most and that I would never make the decision to walk away unless I really thought about it, because I could not take it anymore. I let shit drag on for so fucking long till I can’t handle it. You know this about me, you hit and you hit and you kick and you push till finally I say I give up, till I feel like you’ve defeated me and I can’t go on like this.

You lie so much it scares me that I may never know when you’re actually telling the truth. I don’t know that anything you ever said to me was true. You lied to me and said that Eddie went with you to see Oxy play, I saw their stories, and I couldn’t help myself but look, you went with another girl. I don’t get to meet your friends in this band, but someone else does? You lie and lie and lie, and I no longer believe a thing you say now. I question everything you tell me, if it’s truth or not. I can’t trust you, and don’t know that I ever could to be completely honest. I can’t lie to you J, that night you followed me back home when ended things, I caved in and told you I had lied to you about when I called about my tired supposedly being flat. It was an innocent lie, but you know how much it bothered me that I had lied to you about that? You have any idea how badly I wanted to text you all that week to say “I’m sorry I lied about that, I really just wanted to talk to you to tell you how much I missed you and loved you.” An innocent harmless lie like that bothered the fuck out of me. Imagine how much guilt would consume me if I started fucking someone else, if I messed around or did anything with another man. That shit would eat away at me so bad, I wouldn’t be able to go on about my day, about my life. I would tell you, I know I can go and be with whoever I want right now if I wanted. I could have any man I wanted, use them to pass the time, to get from them what I should be getting from you. But I’m not like that, I’m not like you, I feel guilt, I feel shame and hurt.

I pray we work, but I don’t know anymore.

[in-all-ways-always]

[in-all-ways-always]

[in-all-ways-always]

9/15/23

J,

Well, that's almost two straight years that my world fell apart. I guess that's it. All of that, for nothing, for me to be damaged more than the way I came in. I have to fix all the damage inflicted on me by everything that happened to me last year, and everything you've done to me. I feel like I lost a person I didn't know, my perception of you completely shattered. I loved you, more than life itself. You were my light, my North Star. I'm mourning for someone that almost feels like never existed. Was it real? Was that man real? Was the love real? Please tell me it was, tell me everything was real.

Why couldn't you love me? Why wasn't I ever enough? I don't want to share; I refuse to go along with it anymore. It's not fair to me, I shouldn't have to go along with your way, just to keep you in my life. I could no longer continue to be happy. I'm scared you'll never change, not just your promiscuous ways, but in the way you treat me, handle me, talk to me. I know disagreements and arguments will never be avoidable, but there are ways to handle them without hurting the other person. You say the most hurtful things and it feels like it's with intent to hurt me, like it's honestly really how you feel, and you found the perfect moment to lay it on me. The things you said about me on your twitter, and then to turn around and lie and say, "I was baiting you." Or that you were trying to teach me a 'lesson' and that I shouldn't be 'snooping.' I can't figure out what's worse, you baiting me, or you lying to me about how you really feel? Own up to it, 'stick to your guns' as you told me yesterday. Stand on everything you ever felt about me, said to me and said about me.

I can't continuously keep giving so much of myself to you and get hardly anything in return. You have no idea how much of myself I poured into this. I loved you beyond anything you could imagine. It's killing me to walk away right now, but it's killing me to stay. You don't care, you don't, no matter how much you say it, or think that you show it. A man that loves me would never put me in a position of having to share them. A man that truly loves me would never seek out anything from anyone else that I don't already give him. I give you so much love, attention, affection, intimacy, and it's never enough. Is one person ever going to be enough for you? I was never like this, acting out in the way that I did, never. You silenced me so much, made me hold so much in. What did you think was gonna happen? I turned into this ticking time bomb. You think that me working on myself and getting well is gonna make it easier for me to tolerate all the shit you say and do? It won't, it's only gonna make me see more and more that you do not love me, you don't value me or respect me. While yes, I'm working on myself for me, I did it to help us. I wish you cared enough to do the same, I beg you that you go to therapy, get help. You were so willing to pay for my therapy just so I could get help, why can't you do the same for yourself.

I bought myself a ticket to 3TEETH. We always talked about how we'd go see them whenever they would announce a show. They finally do, and we're no longer together. I wonder if you'll be there, I'm so scared you'll bring someone with you. Knowing full well what that would do to me. I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

This is hurting me, mentally and physically. I never pictured this would happen, you were such a huge part of my world, my future. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. And all I keep replaying in my head is that day a few weeks back, when we were laying in your bed. I couldn't get over how much I loved you, I couldn't stop looking at you, admiring you. I thought to myself, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life, waking up to this man every single day, and going to sleep with this man every single night." Then I asked you, do I get to wake up to this every single day? You said yes, and my god you do not understand or even know the gravity of how happy that made me. I kept repeating to you 'I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life waking up to this' and asking you repeatedly 'do I really get to wake up to this for the rest of my life?' I want to scream and rip out my hair right now just thinking about it, typing it up. Because it's gone! I fucking hate this, I hate it so fucking much! This wasn't how it was supposed to be! You were supposed to be mine and I yours! Why did you do this to me?! You gave me these dreams, this vision of a better life, a better future, a life with you, and you took them from me!

Where do I go from here? I'm so lost. I wish you would've never pushed me away, and most importantly I wish you would've never let me go so easily.

If we never find our way back to each other, please learn from this, from everything, me, your past relationships. And I hope that you use all of that to treat the next one better. The way me and anyone else deserved to be treated.

I love you.

-S

[in-all-ways-always]

You were never supposed to be a lesson. You were supposed to be the end of everything bad in my life, and the start of a new life, a better life.

[in-all-ways-always]

[in-all-ways-always]

Respecting your partner is deeper than just staying faithful. Respecting your partner means to also respect their voice and allow them to be heard. Respect is communication. Respect is avoiding the same mistakes or things you know will make your partner mad/sad. Respecting your partner is thinking before you speak. Respecting your partner is being their number one fan. Respect is sometimes ‘just’ an attempt to understand. Respect is empathy. Respect is effort. Respect is love.