inanafterglow

[inanafterglow]

Mama, I just heard Michael learns to rock come on the radio while I was in the car. You know this reminds me of you, that when I hear their songs it is you conveying to me that you’re near me and reminding me that it’s going to be okay.

Dad just passed this morning, and I think through the song it was you letting me know that dad’s with you. he’s not in pain and he is safe now with you and papa.

[inanafterglow]

Did you cry because you loved me,

or did you cry because

you love her.

[inanafterglow]

We’re not friends anymore. I miss you.

[inanafterglow]

Patina

Thinking about the what ifs we could’ve had, if we had a different life. Wondering what it’s like for you to come home to me because in this life you won’t – I remain uplifted for your response because of the laughter and ease we share, so I await your response after mine even though I shouldn’t – cascading conversations that will eventually sculpt us a memory of which it will patina like an old photograph – colors changing and clarity disturbed as we fade our reality into a memory that will forevermore be etched in our minds.

[inanafterglow]

Before I know it, you already mean something to me. I just turned 30, and I wasn’t sure what to feel about being here, but with you I felt seen as I am enveloped by your warmth and care. Thank you for dancing with me and celebrating what we have in this beautiful world.

[inanafterglow]

the good thing about me,

I’m better at loosing grip of all things good or not so good that have a hold on me.

The bad thing about me,

I’m better at loosing grip of all things good or not so good I have a hold on me.

Now I’m more conditioned to contain myself, which may be a good thing for negative occurrences, but a bad thing for the good occurrences because I don’t believe in them the way I should anymore.

[inanafterglow]

Often times I want to say thank you more than the times I’ve actually said it. I value your gestures, your attention, your thoughtfulness and care towards me and feel your warmth reach me to the seams of my being. But I end up not saying the rest of it.

Because I am tender and it reflects my tenderness against you, and with tenderness they tend to eat it whole and think I’m soft and i collapse easily like sandcastles in the wind. If only I could tell all the ways of me; if I could tell you I am all but none of that. I am malleable but I remain still.

[inanafterglow]

You arrive at this point where you find that you cannot just keep hurting like that and you cope with it while it’s still there, in the most gracious way possible. You start feeling less of the way it was, and more of something else - taking a different shape, or metamorphosing. What a nice way to say that you’re different now.

It is refreshing to know that you want to know more of me. I think people just aren’t curious enough to discover, which is a bit sad. They lack a type of passion and curiosity thinking they’re swimming through the depths but on the contrary, really just treading waters.

I’m ashamed to say because of so many things that unnerve me, I’ve brought myself up to treading shallower waters – non-committal, ponder less and maybe as a result sleep slightly easier at night. I’m ashamed to see how I treat my feelings so casually and neglect it till it takes the shape of something else.

I think your feelings is like a source; like water to flower, it grows the way you love and take care of it the same.

[inanafterglow]

look, you left your mark on me

in the shape of a heart.

The songs say wear your heart

on your sleeve,

but I place you just above me.

My body is the surface

of a long long river leading to the ocean.

You are fluid like me,

seeping inevitably , creeping in wonder and

taking in - I take you in and bring you to my lakes

I keep secret,

and show you what I’m made of,

and how it’ll get me there, someday.

They don’t see,

but you’re gone but you are

a print still wet on me –

fresh on this tender bruising flesh

and the sun is an artist,

taking its time to ink your presence on me.

Despite all these time you gently flow in me –

I’ll be taking this print of you with me.

[inanafterglow]

‪On rushing out of home: I changed bags for work, and brought what I thought I needed and jolted out the main door without looking back.

Only when I had left and found a little bit of time to slow down, did I realise I forget the brekkie my mom thoughtfully got for me, and my office access card.

Lesson learned: moving fast may not be a bad thing because it gets you to your destination sooner, but it could impair you from sentiments and everything else that are offered to you. Once they’re missed, it may not be the same. Once they’re forgotten, they may not come back.

[inanafterglow]

‪I catch myself thinking how my first name sounds with your last name; ‬

‪I start with myself first, I usually always do, then I meet someone and fall in love and fall hard. Like a hard stop, my heart stops but no it was just a beat skipped. Thought you were gone before I knew it but you’re still here. Often I remind myself that things are too good to be true and they never last, I remind myself again that happiness is an experience, not a destination but I forget, I often do. Moments pass and months have passed, you stand present in mine and I’m so thankful, so grateful of this love. Before I know it, something stole the glimmer from your eyes, and your body is here but your mind is not present. Where have you gone? You’ve fallen behind and I guess we were just a run and you got tired. I catch myself thinking how my name would sound with you behind me.

[inanafterglow]

i love you

When we began, I told you that saying I Love You is almost sacred to me; preserving the use of these words to propel me forward — keeping you always with my heart, and not only shape the relationship with our mouths.

When we ended, you told me that you tippy toed around the words I Love You, treading carefully around what I have said — like walking on eggshells.

I couldn’t tell if that was how you showed your love for me — dancing around everything I had but the fact that you loved me.

[inanafterglow]

Still, for you

‪My knees shift to prepare for inertia when the train moves to its next destination. This time the train departs late, but my body shifts its weight anyway - without my mindful consent. ‬

‪You steal my faith in us even if it’s only for a while, and you return it to me when you remember you’ve got some time. From work, exercise and due diligence in preparing for your future. I remain still, for you, through and through – staying abreast of my uncertainty and insecurity of us. Still, my heart makes a shift. Shifting back to a recluse, you see me as my body presents itself but my mind is far - all without my mindful consent.

[inanafterglow]

I am the photo album that I gave you on your 29th birthday.

Took back shots of you sitting on that bar stool that doesn’t look ergonomical because the seat is too small for comfort, but you make it work. These were many of my moments at your place. I saw you as I sat in bed passing my day with an iPad on my lap, almost melting into the softness of the cushion beneath me. It was captivating paying attention to you while you were focused on duties of work. Those moments were also symbolic, of how our lives may be - for that I was already sentimental for. It was stiff and getting uncomfortable, my back’s against the headrest as I wait for you to look my way. I’m still here, closer than you think.

Caputured the momental significance of other days; the flowers we chose and bought together at Tiong Bahru market for the first time to add life to your place (not that it isn’t lively and lovely enough with the two of us and the minimal furniture). I like the things you think of; the finer things I’d call it - the details most tend to forget like the ease of the day, how lovely the sun is, saying goodnight like lullaby to our ears then waking up with each other. Remember the walk we took by the bay? I know now you’re wondering which one - one too many to identify, but we were there with your cousin and I took a photo of you at dusk with MBS looking bright behind you. I know things have been slow since you arrived then lockdown started, but I hope you remember that you’re also moving. Maybe one day these photographs may remind you of your progress even when times feel still.

I keep all of them to remember. This is what I remember of you the past 3 months we’ve known each other. It may not be long, but it feels like we’ve been here together far longer. You don’t have too much of a tradition for birthdays and I must say me too. But you’ve crossed paths with me and I believe it’s more fortuitous than we may believe and it’s telling me we’re unique to each other. This is also why I remember birthdays, not because of the day, but the value of you. We’re still early in our time and if we do get to keep this time together, I hope you will be able to see what I see. Maybe I’ll get to see what you see too and we will understand much more, this bout of attraction for each other.

Till we get there I am the black photo album I gave you, blending with your dark marbled bar top, static under the headphones I lent you for work that you use frequently. I’ve likened myself to the gift I gave you. I must remember everything has its place. I try harder and it feels like I’m going farther, but I’m landing second place, right below your focus — the background of your big picture.

[inanafterglow]

Today your laundry was mine

It smelt so fresh I brought it close to me

and if I closed my eyes

it would smell like you’re next to me.

With how I know where we’re turning to next,

I shouldn’t have done that.

[inanafterglow]

Is marriage really a contract you can’t get out of? A frame now bound to your existence that you’re compelled to make it work because of a choice you made. Not all choices are great but why are we so hard on ourselves unless we aren’t at all? Are we in denial.

[inanafterglow]

After all these years

I still arrive early for everyone

and wait for them

to decide on us.

After all these years

I’ve decided

to decide on me.