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circling my mind like the birds in the sky

each day here i feel more and more lonely. every person who has every cared about me seems to “cool off” with their feelings. i’m going to let this be a safe space finally to put how i feel and not have to tell anyone. 

my best friend always sends me shit and tries to be there for me and make me laugh, but now i feel like she has stopped thinking about me as the person she laughs with. she is barely there for me and i am not on her mind. we used to laugh together about jokes all the time, talk and share our emotions, but one of my biggest fears is that we cannot ever get back what we had and i need that person in my life. 

the love of my life doesn’t have to care about me as much as he did, but i feel that he may be slipping away by the moment and how strong his feelings used to be may never come back. i think about the way he used to show me he loved me and it was more public, which i say i hate but i really think i like and i’m not sure if i can go back. another thing is he tells me how much he loves me all the time when he’s drunk and i know he does and it means a lot to have that reassurance but i wish it was portrayed in other days but also i dont care. i dont know why i feel that way because i dont doubt the love but i just get frustrated. also, i wonder if we can get along as well as we usually have when i come back, i have this severe fear that we won’t be able to talk and things will be weird and i wonder if my whole life will be like that with him and with everyone. when i feel depressed i lose my ability to talk and i feel like i always have to be the one to lead conversation. it just scares me that i am the thing that is ruining anything that could possibly be good in my life. why am i always questioning the best person in my life? he is the one person who i can be myself with and tell everything to but i worry he secretly doesnt care and he just likes having someone with him and i just happen to be there. why is it me? i don’t deserve it and i think he could do way better but i get scared to do that because i worry he will leave.

 i feel like everyone in my life sees who i am eventually. i do a great job hiding it with my close friends for years but parts of my real, horrible self start slipping out when i get to know someone and they see who i really am and then they leave. it happens over and over again, and i dont want to get to the point in my life where i have been fooling people my whole life and they finally realize when i am in too far deep for them and let my walls fully down and then they leave once again. why do i need this constant reassurance? is there something so wring with me that i can’t possibly imagine someone really loving me for who i am that i can’t reveal myself? i get way more embarrassed of myself than i mean to and i try to hide it and overcompensate with confidence, another tactic i use to fool everyone around me. 

i wish i could feel that i was worthy of love or friendship and i didnt have to give so much to feel like people care a fraction of the amount i care. i have been exerting myself for people who will never be able to care about me in the way i care about them, and thats because im nosy and need to convince people to trust me and put their secrets into me so that they owe some sort of loyalty to me because if i don’t do that then its so easy for them to leave me and i cant have them do that. i am manipulative. i can admit that, but no one sees that. few people i can be real with because who i really am is scary and i don’t like that person. she has to be hidden and in the ways she comes out, i must use that to my advantage to care about people and overexert myself with care and love. it is exhausting. i am not good enough at anything, i wish i had one thing going for me, brains, beauty, good body, ability to take tests, confidence, likability, but i have none of that. my coping technique is humor and 90% of that is just making fun of myself or embarrassing myself, so i guess that 90% of what keeps my relationships going and the only reason i could imagine anyone likes me is because of making fun of myself. 

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outcast

why is it so hard for people to like me? i ruin everything and everyone i touch. last year, i felt i had so many friends and a lot of people liked me but now, i feel like people are finding out the real me and i am well hated. It is a horrible feeling. the people close to me dont like me, the people who barely know me dont like me, the people who i want to like me dont like me. why am i such an outcast? i want to know what is so fucking wrong with me that people dont have to like me. i spend my days, in and out, critiquing myself and figuring out why people can’t just like me.

you fucking know what? i can get it cuz i fucking hate myself too and i dont want to see another day if im in it. i dont want to bring the weight of the world down anymore and i wish i could just make people happy and have them like me. 

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what’s the problem? are you ok?

i dont know the answer to either of those questions . i havent felt like this in a long time, which is frustrating . i dont even know where to start . i guess ill start from the beginning . 

shes been on my mind a lot . she reminds me of pain, suffering, torture, and trauma. my mom is right, she traumatized me . she took my innocence and changed my outlook on everything . my mom is right in more ways than she knows . she shows up in my nightmares and changes my thoughts and my day . i think i know that i fucked her up and i changed when i was around her for the uglier . thats whats shitty . because i know how capable i am of being a horrendus person . she changed my ability to be a friend . she poisioned me . 

she doesnt reply to me . i know shes having the time of her life . but i think about her all the time and want her to be happy, but will i ever feel it reciprocated?

she said something about me that sent me into a deep, dark place and she doesnt even realize it . i dont think she will . i dont think she cares . she spends hours telling me her problems but doesnt take one minute to ask about mine . forgive me for caring where you are and what youre doing, i wont make that fucking mistake . 

everything is catching up with me and im in a terrible place again . one that makes me know im coming to an end because i know at the root of all of this is me, being a shitty and horrible person . i dont deserve anything . i dont deserve happiness . i need this to resolve . i want and need help but dont deserve it . i havent done this in forever . im tired of crying, im tired of trying . i have nothing left to give. 

no, im not . 

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being home, mile high

im pretty high right now and i think i found the main root of the issue. why im upset with school people right now. its because everyone always ends up leaving me. like a bird from the nest, they always go away. the thing is, making my best friend and boyfriend the same person is going to hurt an insane amount more. all guys have left me, and many of my good friends have left me, and all at the same time, that would be too painful. what’s troubling is i cant quite figure out why people keep leaving. the only thing im left with is the ability to question everything i do and everything i am, and figure out why this is such a prevalent pattern in my life. 

i feel like im out of control of everything all of a sudden. im going to be working and have no say there, my family controls where i go, distance controls my relationship and many of my friendships, and now my depression is controlling me again. im starting to look back and blame it on things that have happened to me (rape, moving, alcoholism, weight gain, departure of depression and meds, deaths, losing friends, college, return of depression, etc...) because they are all awful reasons and things that happen to a person, but being able to rely on all of this for my shortcomings has made me an atrocious person and everyone figures it out and leaves me eventually. 

another consequence is not being able to control my own feelings. relationships which i feel like i dont have to control my feelings and i am left to manage the relationship turn me into and angry and spiteful person, and i dont want to become that with him. because no matter what, he will find out and get the strength to leave me. not having someone to tell me what i am allowed to feel and what i am not allowed to feel is terrifying because i have rarely had that before. same with someone who actually cares about me as a person and isnt afraid to commit to me that scares me because that is all new to me. i feel like i dont deserve it and im going to find something wrong or he’s going to find something wrong and long distance is really fucking hard and i’m mad that i got into this so fast because i didnt think i would fall in love this quickly but i did and that is fucking terrifying to me and i despite everything above, he did too and i dont think he knows what hes getting himself into (but then again, neither do I)

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The person who did this to you is broken, not you.

Sierra DeMulder (via quotemadness)

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You don't go through what you went through and get out of it without trust issues, Kathleen. You're fucked up...they fucked you up bad. But he is too.

Someone who always tells me what I need to hear

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“do you want to kill yourself? i mean really, truly end your life. slit your wrists, hang from the ceiling, gun to the head. are you ready to die?”

she paused for a moment. a long moment. (sometimes silence says more than words ever do)

she thought about all the death in her life. the first moment her soul died a little (it was over a mere heartbreak, what else. he used and broke down every ounce of her but somehow she rebuilt herself) the death of her metaphorical self. (loneliness, anger, hatred, not fitting in, blending in, and the worst combination of love and loathe that anyone had ever seen) the death of those she loved. (they were the only things to keep her happy. her furry friend, and of course her beloved namesake. but more than that, people not being who they are and the manslaughter of their personality) and the more she thought about death and everywhere she saw it, she realized it had become prevalent in her being. She realized she breathed death, obsessed with it, thrived off it. the mere though of death occupied her entire mind, body, and soul. she couldn’t decide if that was bad or if it was just who she was: dead. she knew other people saw it and it came in the forms of abandonment, hatred, anger, and everything else that death naturally brings. the dark cloud had consumed her and it seemed many of the once bright shining lights she kept on to keep herself alive were beginning to fade, shatter, turn off, shut down, and fail. 

she wiped her face and looked up to the heavens sky and then brought her vision back down to her hands, where she kept it most of the time. she avoided eye contact and stared off into space with her lips pursed and a thoughtful pointer finger to her mouth, for this is how she thought about everything and anything that was important to her. she inhaled in death one last time and exhaled it from her body with her eyes closed. slowly she opened them as they locked eyes. 

“i already have.”

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Reminding lockscreens Like or reblog if you save/use

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hopefully sooner rather than later.