inaspyn-blog

[inaspyn-blog]

Today’s match: Reality vs. Ego! Who will win?!??!?

You don’t even care for him, you know that shit.

You literally said it for yourself last time. I don’t care if I ever see this guy again.

In other words: it’s your fucking ego.

Someone. Someone, somewhere on this planet, explain what in the ever living fuck is going on in my head.

I saw him today in the hospital. And he saw me, too. Didn’t come by to say hi. Chatted it up with another physician, asked the nurse about how his patient was doing, and then left. Never walked down to see me. But he saw me. 

He texted 10 minutes after leaving the floor with some bullshit text. “Wear a jacket, it’s cold up here,” or some bullshit along those lines. I could easily check, but I’ve shut my phone off and revoked privileges - for two reasons. Reasons that I’ll touch on later in this post.

But my question remains: Why? There’s only two possible reasons.

1.) He honestly doesn’t care, got bored, and wanted to avoid me at all cost. Only texted to cover his sorry ass in order to avoid looking like a douche lord. **very likely.

2.) Is attempting to fuck with my head (spoiler alert: it’s working).

But here’s my argument. First of all, this guy is lucky! LUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This 40-something-year-old, mediocre-looking (kinda ugly face, if we’re being totally honest here), average body (skinny? not super muscular? chicken legs? average-to-small-sized dick?), dude with a boring ass wife and nearly ten-year-old child at home to support. This motherfucker man, lol. Here, he’s got a super fit, attractive 25-year-old girl literally willing to do whatever he wants. Chick who’s already marrying a surgeon, who makes more money than him. Sure, he drives some bullshit Mercedes Benz. I’ve got a dude driving a new model Tesla. 

AND SOMEHOW I’M UPSET BY HIM BLOWING ME OFF. WHYYYYYYYY.

SOMEONE WHYYYYYYY.

TELL ME WHYYYYY.

What.

the.

fuck.

is.

wrong.

with.

me.

#issues.

Anyway, I’ve shut my phone off. If he wants to play games, then bitch, let’s play them. Every single time he’s picked me up, I’ve shut my phone off. He knows it, too. So that I can’t be tracked. So tonight I shut my phone off. So if, by some bullshit miracle, he decides to send a text, he’ll never see that “delivered” message. Maybe (keyword: hopefully) he’ll realize my phone is off. So what is it, boy? Is my phone really off? Am I out with a boy? OOoooooOOOoooHHhhhh I guess we’ll never know. Either way, the second reason is that it prevents me from checking it every 5-10 minutes to see if he messaged. If I’m too weak for some self control, then my bitch ass shouldn’t even have access to the phone in the first place. 

Imma just head over to photoshop and work on a masterpiece that somehow builds my pussy ass self esteem right nay

[inaspyn-blog]

I used to think there was the whole world out there waiting for me to discover it. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized it’s the same people in the same places.

Music played in the background of the dimly lit yoga studio. Only four other people were there with their mats rolled out - all in front of me. The music was soft. I wasn’t sure of which genre to classify it as. 

As the instructor walked in, I asked what was playing.

“Lebanese Blonde,” he responded with, “by the Thievery Corporation.”

I thanked him, and class began.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We’ll start with child’s pose,” he began.

“Lift your head up, and walk your hands over to the right.”

“Lift your head up, and walk your hands over to your left.”

“Up to plank. Chaturanga. Upward-facing dog. Downward facing dog.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He never showed up to class. Not going to lie, it upset me. But... not because he didn’t show up to class. But because nothing is the same, now. Logically, I know he never shows up to Thursday classes. So logically, I should know that really, nothing has changed. But something in me keeps that thought coming back - that things have changed between us.

I couldn’t hold a single warrior pose without falling side to side. My balance was off. My hamstrings were too tight to forward fold. My hips were too tight to keep my hips aligned during triangle. My practice was just... off... tonight. 

I was frustrated. I silently returned my block, the belt, and rolled up my mat. The instructor came over to check on me; I told him everything was alright, that I just wasn’t feeling well.

And with that, I left. 

I walked through the darkness to my car. It felt empty without his Mercedes in the lot. My drive home consisted of two things: feelings of emptiness, and occasional periods of tears streaming down my face.

It drives me nuts. Last time I saw him, I regretted it. I looked at him, realized how average looking he was at the time and thought, “why was I so crazy about this guy again? He’s still not even my type,” and very honestly and truthfully realized I’d be 100% OK if we never spoke again after that night. So with that being the case, why am I suddenly hurt when it feels like I’m no longer the focus of his attention? Is my ego really this big? What is wrong with me?

I don’t know. But I need sleep. I work tomorrow.

I hope I don’t see him tomorrow. Something tells me that I don’t need to worry about that - he’ll be avoiding me. 

[inaspyn-blog]

Leave your feelings at the door, girl - there’s no room for them here.

Today was significantly better. Maybe it was because I was so engrossed in last-minute cramming for my final exam in Med/Surg II. Maybe it was because Lopez texted to wish me luck in my exam. Who knows.

But I made it through my exam, and I’ve officially passed the class. All that’s left is the Pediatric exam tomorrow, and I’ll be done.

I spent my afternoon listening to music, cooking up what felt like a million pounds of alaskan salmon, and eventually took off for the gym. Immediately upon getting home I heated up some of the salmon (and prepared salad), and jumped in the shower afterwards. I managed to find my old bottle of St. Tropez sunless tanning lotion and spread that on, too. I’ve been missing my old sunkissed tan. Maybe it’ll boost my self esteem. Who knows.

Anyway... Tomorrow was supposed to be the day Lopez and I took off for Atlanta. But after his recent loss of interest, I’m definitely counting on that no longer happening.

But again. I feel better today. I think yesterday I felt threatened, like, “Who is he talking to that has his attention more than me?!” And today I came back to reality. For fuck’s sake, I’m hot. I’m lean, I’m fit, I constantly get told what a gorgeous face I have, I know damn well Lopez is a sucker for my eyes, I have nice hair, and goddammit I am FUN in bed. I’m kinky, I’m social, and I’m young. For the love of god I truly have it. And I need to stop forgetting that.

I initially felt threatened by the two strippers he had shown me, and looking back on it now I truly ought to slap myself. One is in her 30s, single mother with two young daughters, stripping to pay the bills. She’s fit and does jiu jitsu, but I still realize I’m in better shape. The other is just so-so. Somewhat pretty face, but completely average body, strange (not creative) tattoos, and is also stripping to pay the bills. Both of these girls are easily using him for his money when he visits them.

So I don’t know. Shame on me. Shame shame shame.

I need to keep my head up.

[inaspyn-blog]

In my feelings again

I need to just sit down and write what all is going on in my head.

First of all, I am so incredibly disappointed in myself.

No, not for any actions I’ve done. Not for mistakes. But for my own insecurity.

Right now, it seems as though my self esteem is BELOW the floor. It’s literally non-existent. It is beyond that. It is in a negative state. And I can’t seem to fucking figure out WHY.

18-year-old me throughout 23-year-old me, I couldn’t possibly be any prouder of. I handled NSA relationships like a fucking pro. I was ruthless, emotionless, and best of all - I had a BLAST. I literally had no feelings or connections to any of the people I saw. It was a new adventure each day. I looked forward to hookups at night, and didn’t stop for a second the next day to think about those people again. That was seriously one of my proudest qualities. 

Guys questioned me on it. A few even stated that they had never actually met someone as emotionless and detached as myself. I found it complimenting. It meant that I wasn’t insecure, I wasn’t needy, and I valued myself more than I valued these people.

But after my move to this new state, literally all of that fell flat on the fucking ground. After meeting K, the doctor I hooked up with only three times, I just about fell in love with this dude. I craved his attention. I wanted him to text me all the time. I suddenly dealt with feelings of insecurity and neediness. It was a whirlwind of emotions, but once I dropped him I returned to my same old, confident self. I promised myself I wouldn’t meet anyone or do this again.

Lol.

Yeah. About that.

So now I’m dealing with Lopez, as I’ll call him. The Spanish doctor who honestly, if I had the chance to actually be with, I’d run a million miles away. He’s a serial cheater, obviously devalues women, cares only about his own success, and runs from one girl to the next. 

So. With that being said. I KNEW what I was getting into. So why the fuck am I feeling so hurt? Why do I feel so insecure? Something is seriously fucking up with my self esteem and emotional lability. And I AM. NOT. PROUD. OF. IT.

Idk. I honestly have zero idea what to do, but I need to redirect the focus from him, back to me. 

How I’m feeling has literally nothing to do with him.

How I’m feeling has everything to do with me.

I figure I need to start by redirecting my focus on my diet (eating healthier), continuing going to the gym (I’ve been doing excellent at that!), upping my attendance at yoga (only going 1-2x/week currently, would like to do a minimum of 4x!), investing in myself (hair extensions, eyelash extensions, better makeup, dress nicer, etc...). 

I also need to focus more on school (get better grades), look forward to my upcoming ACLS class this January, focus on getting into the TSICU for work, and enjoy upcoming trips to places like Atlanta and elsewhere once I’m done with school and instead working full time. I also hope to get into the program I applied for. We’ll see.

But my focus needs to be on ME. I can’t feel good with another person unless I first feel good with myself. And I need to find ways to boost my self confidence.

Again, the issue is not the guy. The issue is me. I need to figure out how to resolve this.

[inaspyn-blog]

“Are you Dr. Perez?”

We met on Wednesday, October 23rd.

I was in class, holding downward-facing dog. As I stared at the wall between my legs and behind me, I heard him come in and set up his mat on my left side. But, in that moment I didn’t realize it was him.

It was only a few poses later - facing my left - that I looked forward to see him. And my. Jaw. Hit. The. Floor. Was... that...? No. Just, no. There was no way. There was no way in hell it was him! (Except it was, and I knew it was). But, still, what?!

It was Dr. Perez (name changed). From the hospital.

I first met him over the summer. I was completing my summer nursing externship, and the externship involved four weeks of shadowing a nursing assistant, followed by four weeks shadowing a registered nurse.

This was during the second half. We were in the process of discharging a patient, and Dr. Perez was the attending. I recalled standing in the room, looking out the door to see him standing in the doorway - talking with the nurse. I could only see him from the distance. He had a dark, undercut hairstyle. Lean figure. Long white coat, form-fitting pants, and classy dress shoes. That’s all I could make out from where I stood.

By the time I left the room, he was nowhere to be found, but the nurse said, “That doctor was really nice.”

I didn’t see him again until months later. By this point, my externship was completed, but I had been offered a permanent position on that same floor I precepted on. At this point my position went right back to that of a nursing assistant. I helped patients with ADLs, obtaining vital signs for the nurses, and responding to call lights. One of the patients in particular was a ninety-some year old woman who had lost her mind possibly years before. In the middle of my attempt to feed her lunch one early afternoon, she nearly tore herself out of her hospital restraints and began SCREECHING at the top of her lungs at me. She threatened to kill me and the rest of the staff. And the nurse, in a panic, called the physician in order to get something ordered to calm the patient. Only moments later, Dr. Perez was arriving to physically assist us in squirting a liquid form of medication into her mouth in an attempt to knock her old cold.

Five of us (nursing personnel) stood outside the door alongside Dr. Perez to gown up in blue isolation gowns. After a nurse made reference to the patient having pulled out their foley catheter (balloon still inflated, mind you), they jokingly asked Perez about replacing it. He joked about needing a penlight to flash into the “black hole” in order to even see at this point. I jokingly pulled out my penlight, offering it to the group.

The next thing I remember is standing at the foot of the bed, watching as the other nurses physically restrained the patient. The nurse assigned to the patient stood on the patient’s left side, syringe in hand and ready to administer the medication. Perez stood on the patient’s right side, facing the patient with his back partially turned to me. His white coat was incredibly form-fitting, along with the tight pants he was wearing underneath.

On the count of three, we each held down a limb, the nurse squirted the medication into the patient’s mouth before closing it shut, and Dr. Perez plugged the patients nose. That was all I remember.

Moments later, as I stood against a wall in the hallway while charting into the computer-on-wheels, he walked past to leave the floor.

“It work,” was all he said to me. His broken English was a thing of beauty.

All throughout the remainder of the yoga class, I glanced over at him with every chance that I could. Do I say something after? Or will I come across creepy?

The class ended, and everyone began rolling up their mats. As I had my mat rolled up, wheel placed away, and was headed for the door, I realized I was going to have to walk right past him. In a last-minute decision, I stopped, standing nearly over him as he remained kneeling on the ground rolling up his mat.

“Are you Dr. Perez?” I asked.

He immediately looked up at me, smiled, and simultaneously reached out his hand to me while asking, “Don’t you work at [the hospital]?”

I leaned forward, grasping his hand to shake, while nodding my head and saying, “Yes, I work on [X floor]!”

At this point, he stood up and walked over to the coat racks with me, while carrying on conversation. I honestly can’t remember what was said, nor the order they were said in. I told him about the patient he helped us with. I told him she ended up coming right back to life and punching the nurse straight in the chest moments after he left the floor. He laughed, responding with “I try to Geodon all my patients,” to which I laughed at.

He asked me if I was also a nursing student, which I said yes to. He recommended I come work in the PCU once I graduate. I told him I had my sights set on the TSICU. He asked if I planned to travel. I said yes, I’d love to but need the experience. I told him I hated it here, that I miss the big city. He asked if I was from this area, and I told him no, I was from Detroit. He went on to tell me he’s from Lima, Peru, which is also a huge city. He said he misses it, too. I told him about my friend back in MI who is also from Lima. She always told me to go and see the city one day, to try the ceviche, and to see the beautiful views along the ocean.

I can’t recall how long we talked for, but it must have been at least 10-15 minutes, as the next class began and we suddenly realized that we were the only two people left in the studio from the class before.

We rushed into the lobby of the studio, which at this point was completely dark (all the lights shut out) and nobody at the front desk. I watched as he put on his shoes, and I went to put on mine. I made a joke about how white shoes are supposedly considered “low class” in Peru, as told to me by my friend. He laughed, looked at my shoes, and told me that that’s not necessarily true; that it’s more-so related to the pollution in Peru. He said that anything white will slowly become stained due to the air pollution.

We walked out to the parking lot. His car, which happened to be an incredibly souped-up, gray Mercedes Benz, was directly outside the studio’s door. My car was in the lot in the back. We paused, as he clearly held on to me for conversation. He asked me again which floor I was on at the hospital, which I told him. I then went on to say that I wouldn’t be back until the end of November for a shift, considering that I hardly ever work anymore with nursing school taking up all my time.

“Will you be back tomorrow?” He asked. Considering his broken English, I wondered if he misunderstood what I just said and was asking if I’d be back at the hospital the next day.

“No, I don’t work until November 29th,” I repeated.

“Here,” he said, “Are you back to class tomorrow?”

Oooooooooooooooh.

“Ah, unfortunately I don’t know yet,” I responded. “I have a ton of clinical paperwork to do for school, including a care plan.”

“Oh, gross!” He responded, jokingly. “I remember those days! So glad to be done with school!”

We farewelled each other a good night, and I walked back to my car. I watched from my rear-view mirror as he backed his car out and left. I wondered when the next time I’d see him would be.