inbetween-deadlines - Tumblr blog

[inbetween-deadlines]

Exploring Feelings

Taylor Swift has just launched her new album titled “folklore”. It was a very melancholic journey, listening to album, eventhough I haven’t made it to the last track.

Looking back to all those heartfelt albums made by my favourite musicians, and those live concerts I saw, I can’t help but to ask:

How does one create such great writings, crafting words (and melodies), to be a song that can give multidimensional feelings to the ones who listen to them? How?

How do people get skin deep into their or even foreign, unfamiliar feelings?

I have so many entangled feelings and I can’t even articulate it.

Or maybe, I just don’t have so many experience with feelings and all this time, it’s just me and my mundane life.

- The One Who Says Sorry Too Much

[inbetween-deadlines]

Hold on the ones that keep you sane

I am breaking my own commitment. I didn’t write on the weekend like I supposed to. I spent my weekend being a soulless woman in her late 20s. Including watching my dad’s lovebirds actually being lovebirds, literally.

This WFH period has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t have anything fancy to write but I just want to express my gratitude to the people that hold me up.

I may have annoyed them with the same stories all over again yet they still support me with memes, app recommendation, occasional updates on daily life blunders, and of course, their willingness to listen to me. 

And I may not the best kind of buds they can rely on, but I am very grateful for everything that you all have done to keep me afloat. I will try to be as helpful as possible to those people.

All I can say is: Thank you so much. 

For all the whatsapp messages, IG DMs, and everything.

I really hope that I can do the same for you and you get all the goodness in life.

You know who you are.

- The One Who Says Sorry Too Much

[inbetween-deadlines]

Make peace with your wardrobe.

I've made a remarkable change on my way of living since I moved in to my little 'apato'. I started decluttering my things. I was not even close to maximalist, it was just I had this little thing about figurines and sneakers. Realization smacked me right in the face one day that if I change shoes everyday, I wouldn't wear the same shoes for 2 weeks. What the hell? Like, I had one red doc mart when I was on elementary school and used it well for 2 years straight in the meantime my classmates were changing shoes from 'GOSH' to trendy 90s school kicks like the one with freaking lamp on the back to wedges sneakers. I had no idea this could happen. It was not 'one day with Marie Kondo' or something, but it feels like settling down because I think my wardrobe already is complete. These days, I'm rarely tempted, when I really need to shop, it's more like replacing a well-worn piece. Buying the exact same item if it's still available. Like black-well designed-underwear from Uniqlo. I'm not expanding my wardrobe, so I make sure it has good quality in a long term. Not those easily-worn-out pieces from fast fashion retail. Is this growing up? Is this minimalism? Or post-capitalism? Oh as if I care. I have something I actually love to wear for every occasion. No drama whenever I need to get dressed. It is heaven. When something good comes along, it's not hard to stay on the ground. Some questions would came up, like 'Do I need it? Is it better than what I have back home? Is there any room left in the hanger? Do I willing-fully do the one-in-one-out rule?' Oh, no, don't think of it as a hard work, it's just me and my precious equilibrium of the closet. A good friend of mine once said, 'you feel lighter and happier when you maintain an empty space to let the light comes in'. I don't have everything, but I can make the most of what I have. 

Cheers,

- Crazy Hair

[inbetween-deadlines]

About coping mechanisms

We’re all humans but we’re nothing alike. Even identical twins have so many different traits and characteristics from each other. Then, why sometimes we expect someone to act or react the same when s/he is challenged with some unfortunate events or conditions? 

Everybody has a different journey throughout their life, even for smallest possible things. Of course, we would have a different reaction when our pinky toes crash into a furniture. Let alone when we are facing some difficulties in life. With that being said, I think we can not assume that people should have the same coping mechanism the way we do when they are facing the same problems because our past journey in life is what has shaped us today. And we had it different.

Also, it goes both ways. 

All we can do is be open minded and constantly telling ourselves that everybody has their own reason when they choose to do something. 

And all we can control is how we react to it and keep sticking to what we believe in.

- The One Who Says Sorry Too Much

[inbetween-deadlines]

tbh, I kinda enjoy this quarantine more than I expected.

It really is not that bad once you get used to it, really. I was having a breakdown due to boredom and anxiety on the 6th weeks of WFH and physical distancing protocols because I missed traveling so much. I even had a dream about going to Bali and cried when I woke up knowing I was still on my apartment.

But when the government said it’s about time to get back to a-so-called-normal-eventhough-the-covid-case-is-still-over-the-roof I got an anxiety attack because I realized that having people around irl is much more complicated than interacting in url. I mean, you can’t simply put people on mute when s/he is being annoying af. Or you can’t simply unfollow people even though s/he is toxic. 

I started to look like a millenials stereotype who’d rather to talk to plants and  do some gardening in solitude rather than partying with people I barely know. Good grief, le husband is an introvert as well who had a lot of random (if not weird) interest to kill time.

Enjoy your fortress of solitude, it probably won’t last.

- Crazy Hair

[inbetween-deadlines]

About losing interest to things you used to like

You’re sensing a theme. 

Yes, I intentionally make my first writing in this page to match the previous post so you would think we had a theme.

This page is a form of commitment, made by us, two people who used to write to clear out our mind, to declutter our thoughts that have been shut and kept to ourselves. Two people, who in the last few years, only write things for our work, be it product names, marketing ideas, scripts, hashtags, and so on.

-

So, I had this conversation with my Mom, before she cooked me Bakso Aci for dinner.

“I think you have been stressed out for a long time. Not just in the moment, because I noticed something.”

“What?”

“You have never done things you used to do anymore. As simple as singing randomly in the house, all of other things. It’s like you’re not enjoying yourself anymore.”

Well, Mom, tell me something new. I have known this for as long time.

As I mentioned above, I used to like writing. It’s not like my writings were exceptional, no, hell no. But, at least I created something of my own, a result of me being in touch with my feelings, and acknowledging them. 

Now, I treat my feelings as if they are only temporary and I don’t need to think about it whatsoever. I shut them up because the life itself is already tiring. It’s only me, my work, and everything in between. I barely have the energy so I tend to do things that give me instant gratification, like food, after-office movie session, watching light-fun movies, and watching a lot of Youtube videos. 

I don’t even finish books that I read or..buy. 

I have no energy to start watching a new good series, even if I do, I don’t finish it. I go straight to google to find episode recap. 

Great movie recommendations are often left in My List or my liked tweet tab. When I do watch it, I fast forward.

-

After a bunch of breakdowns, I finally decided to talk to somebody. And the most cheek-slapping statement she said was:

“You unconsciously have made your work as your identity, a big part of who you are because it gives you a sense of security. Hence, when you think something is wrong regarding your work, it disturbs what’s inside.”

I guess my mind has betrayed itself. I never want to be that people who makes their work as priority. I don’t think it’s bad, no. It is just my personal choice, but, apparently, I do think my work is my priority and it shows.

So, I have this homework to determine things that I find important to myself and my goals for the next 5 years so that I can focus to other things around me that are also beneficial for my inner peace.

Well, honestly, I already stopped at my 3rd point of my list. Let’s hope I can finish it.

-

P.S. I am truly sorry if you don’t get any lessons from this writing but I hope this can help you in any way to have a better relationship with yourself. 

At least, to make you feel that you’re not alone.

- The One Who Says Sorry Too Much

[inbetween-deadlines]

About trying to be clever.

“You can say, I want to be free, but how do you see yourself from your own feelings, your own memories, your own desires? Perhaps we can’t function without them -- which automatically means we aren’t free, we’re prisoners of our own emotions.” -Kryzstof Kieslowski

Yep. One doesn’t simply detach oneself from its own feelings. I learn it the hard way. There was time when I thought that I was clever enough to avoid being hurt by not allowing myself to feel sad nor angry. Filled with toxic positivity, I kept telling myself that I was lucky and privileged compared to many other people therefore I wasn’t allowed to be sad or mad. As time went by, I noticed that I didn’t feel as happy as I used to be. Worse. I only had 3-hours-night-sleep and put myself into work for like 12-15 hours a day. It went on for almost 2 years.

On one shooting trip to Bali, I extended my time there (which I rarely did back then, because I was such in a ‘working-like-hell-to-avoid-feelings’ mode). I randomly bumped into an ayurvedic guru and said, “Anti, this life is like pendulum. You have to feel sad and anger in order to feel happy. If you are not allowing yourself to feel it then along the time the pendulum will no longer swing and stop and you won’t feel anything anymore.” I was taken aback and cried like a little baby in front of that stranger woman because she just knocked the wall that I’ve built for a long time. 

The point is, life will always happens and surprise you in all certain kind of way. Our job is to accept it, cry hard, acknowledge it, re-learn, until you finally can laugh it off. Until when?

Until we turn to dust.

- Crazy Hair