indiependentpanda-blog

[indiependentpanda-blog]

I passed my GED tests

So I passed. I know it’s not a big deal to you, but it is for me or it was supposed to be. I mean, yeah right? I am supposed to finish school and go to another school and it’s kind of frustrating because I have people in my life that degrade me and i cut ties with a lot of people like this but i can’t with these other people because they are my family.. like how do you cut ties with your parents and sibs? act like they’re all dead? i mean i love them but i don't think i have the strength to go anywhere with the way they degrade and humiliate me physically and mentally, but even so i love them... At the same time, i have the feeling that i need to let the possibility of letting them go and not seeing them for a long while, i mean at least for a while, would be the best thing for me, I want to go to college peacefully and without the burden of them weighing me down. i can't keep wasting away my life on people that get to live theirs to the fullest on the expense of mine. I need to live too. So with that I applied to a couple of colleges a long ways away from here. I hope that this GED helps me in any sort of way. These colleges aren’t even universities more like community colleges. I just hope that God helps me along this one other time to get into one of these schools and i swear ill take care of the rest from there...

[indiependentpanda-blog]

My dropping out of high school

I dropped out of high school. What did you do with your life? When I dropped out of high school it was in February of 2015, my senior year. Yes, it was a stupid choice, especially because it was my last and I fucking regret it (but more on that later). For the few months that I was supposed to be in school (the rest of that February-May) I just bummed around the house. Doing nothing all day, except for the occasional cleaning and yeah it was fucking awesome. I had a sense of freedom, no responsibilities, and no connection to the social world beyond my laptop of course. When did you regret it? When I decided to drop out I dropped a majority of my friends as well and it wasn’t like we were lifetime friends, I had only transferred to the school the year before so it wasn’t so much of a let down and the friends I had at my last school I had already dropped and went through the process of mourning the few that I actually did admire. The only friend I kept was the only one I stood in a friendship with the longest, like ever only now its beginning to fade too. For the time that I was out of school I spent some days with this friend and at first I thought it was awesome seeing her out of class and all but I began to miss the small talks we’d have here in there in the halls and complaining about the assignments our teachers would give us and blah, blah, blah. It had gone to the point that the only thing we had in common was a show that kept us together (Supernatural) and even that couldn’t hold onto us long enough. We still talk here and there and I admit a lot of it was my lack of effort and my work schedule, but still, it’s really sad to think about and I know I could pick up the phone shoot her a text even give her a call? But a lot has changed in the 2 years we’ve managed to keep this up and the conversations are quick and short lived. I wonder, what would have happened if I had stayed in school? Would we have gotten that apartment we always wanted? I know she could financially keep her end of the bargain, but I wouldn’t have been able to and I could never go through with it and put her in a situation like that and leave us with a shit ton of debt and stress. I think the friendship we had over the 2 year span of it was the best and I’m glad I didn’t take the offer on the apartment because our friendship would most likely have ended much sooner. How did you manage to take care of yourself? As for no responsibilities, a time came when I had to take care of myself hygienically and financially. I was running out the basics; shampoo, condish, that very special hair oil that my hair really loves, makeup, and all that jazz. With that, I had no phone, my mom had cut me off (she could only provide so much) and we had no internet and I was tired of going to the library and having the librarians wonder when my sibs and I would finally leave. So, early May of 2015, I went job searching and let me tell you, it was HARD. When one goes job searching the first thing they do is look for their dream job or something closely related and with benefits. I applied to Hot Topic, Sephora, Forever 21, Rue 21, you name it…, and got shut down or never received a call, most likely because I lacked experience… references… and a diploma. For that month I was so stressed out to the point of pulling my hair out, crying out of frustration, and not eating. My mom, dad, cousins, aunts, uncles referred me to many places and I applied and got turned down. I had problems with depression throughout my life, but this was one of the worst times. I was so strung out that as I kept applying to places I sort of half assed it and pulled myself through application after application just blindly, emotionless, and refusing to give myself hope. There were times where I wouldn’t even bother answering the phone not caring whether it was from family or an actual employer. I’d just lie in bed and watch the phone ring sometimes, automatically assuming the outcome. I didn’t want to hear another rejection. I was so over it and cursed myself as to how stupid I was to give up on school when I was so close when things like this wouldn’t be so much of a problem. Yes, I know some people don’t get employed straight away after they finish school, but it opens doors for you! In my case, I completely shut and locked many of those. It was in June when I had finally got my big break and it was a damn lucky one. My cousin a high school sophomore had gotten a job at this one company that needed tons of people. I applied many times hoping they’d call or something and a week I would apply again. Finally after a few weeks I had gotten an email of a sort of open house at the company office. The day of, I got really scared and I was almost not going to show up, but I thought what would my grandpa say, what would he say to me now? (He had passed and was always telling me what I should do in situations like this, school…, life in general) I mustered up all the strength I had and took his spirit with me for luck and I was very blessed that day to get the job. I now have 1 ½ at this job and I sincerely love it. It wasn’t what I had in mind, but I can say it’s better than anything I could have imagined. I’m surrounded by so many hard working people, I’m blessed to say I have many friends who care about me and to be able to see and experience the things I do at work. I thank my grandpa and God for all the strength and blessings they gave me that day. Still, I cannot ever shake that experience away. The pain and suffering that I put myself through, in the long run, leaving school wasn’t worth it. How does not graduating affect your everyday life? It is now January 19, 2017; work is really slow during the winter and for some months in the spring. At this time of year, having another job would be helpful, but again I run into the same problems. No one calls. Now I have to rely on my income taxes for the next few months. That’s just one of the things that having no diploma has affected. When you work, go out, or do anything associated with socializing you meet many people who are goal oriented, on a path to a greater future, and generally in a better place… even though sometimes they run into mishaps, in the long run what they are working towards will generate a better living for them in some way or another. This is the kind of struggling I want. I know, sounds weird. I want to be a person who complains about essays and homework. I want to talk about how mean or nice my professor is, how much money my books are, and whatnot. I miss school! I want to go to go to college. I want to relate to my work colleagues, my friends, my family. I want to progress. I want to open a shop, start a business, or be a teacher. Anything beyond where I now sit. I want to open doors again and move my life towards something greater. I always wanted to go to Toronto but never have the money to do it. I want to get another job, while keeping the same one if I can. I want to be more than financially stable and I don’t mean a billionaire. I want my own apartment (still living with my parents by the way!). I just want to grow up the way I should have. It was a long and hard road that I decided to take and not even half has been mentioned here. The way I think of it now that I look back at it is why the hell did I do this to myself? These days, I have to really budget myself. I pay my bills and if you want to have a good credit standing you’ll keep these bills up even if you have to forge over food, entertainment, & luxury items (the oil that my hair fucking loves). There’s a lot leaving school affects and it’s not even the leaving school part that does it. It’s that you can’t progress from there. You’re stuck and only you can decide when you want to be unstuck. Why did you decide to leave school in the first place? As mentioned, before leaving my second high school, I attended another. At this other one, I made really stupid choices. I was a freshman hopped up on the idea of being super cool and having lots of friends. I was easily manipulated and I would even convince myself to do things. I was a scene kid (emo-punk rocker type with teased colored hair and raccoon makeup, still miss this style) it was a super popular thing then. I smoke, drank, went to parties, dated bad guys, pierced my own body once. It was stupid. Being this way, and I’m not saying that the makeup or hair or style in general brought upon this “attitude” like some ignorant people might think, but the drinking and smoking depressed a lot, mostly because I would remember things about my childhood that normally I wouldn’t have remembered and when this would happen id get really bad anxiety and… its kind of hard to explain but it was like having to be at a certain point in time again and it brought up a lot of emotions in me. I recalled abuse, neglect, among other things that I don’t like to remember or even talk about and this fucked me up so bad because things like this were also being brought into my house and it did not only affect me anymore but my sisters too?! I took on this bravado for them and fought for them so they wouldn’t go through what I had gone through. It was the kind of company my parents and aunts and uncles (and even family!) that brought these kind of issues. When my sisters told me what my uncle and all these other people were trying to do to them or already did to them. It was more than I could handle. I never thought through all the fighting and all the protecting that this would happen to them. I felt like I had failed them. When my parents found out they dismissed it, telling me that our uncle and their friends would never do that, that they’ve known them for years and they called my sisters delusional much like my case. I couldn’t deal with this. I confronted these people violently feeling anger towards myself for letting it happen, to my parents, to these filthy assholes that call themselves men. I also felt pain recalling a similar time, being a failure to my sisters, and imagining how scared they must have been to have this happen to them. It’s so heartbreaking to think about. Anyway, my mom checked me and one of my sisters into the hospital calling us out of control, spoiled, and crazy. I spent a few months of my sophomore year like this. It helped a lot being confined in there though. The first month I thought about my sisters. I was scared for them but they came to visit me as often as they could and let me know how things were going and all that. Long story short, we learned a lot about ourselves and I have learned to control my drinking and smoking. I now drink only during occasion and that a few time a year and I haven’t smoked for a year. So it’s better than those years back. After all this went down I had transferred schools. I had problems with my mental state so yeah I was a weird one at the new school, but I was slowly making progress. Everything was going really good until I lost my grandpa around Christmas time and my birthday December 2013. My mental state plummeted. I lost someone who had kept me going. My attendance and health were getting worse throughout 2014. My grades managed to float decently somehow. Losing my grandpa definitely hurt, but it was mid senior year that was tough. College applications were stressful. I got accepted into 3 of 4 of the schools I applied to. All of them out of state. I really needed to get out of the environment my mom and her boyfriend put me and my sibs through (and don’t say I’m being ungrateful because you don’t know the half of it and I’m not even going to go in depth because what they put me and my sibs and they’re newborn baby boys through was a ton of shit) I needed to get away and work on myself and come back to my siblings successful and able to get them out of that hell hole. When the time came to choose my school my mom didn’t give me a choice I couldn’t go anywhere. She made that clear with her threats and bullshit. I couldn’t just leave my siblings with them. So that made me severely depressed that I could help if I was gone and came back but leaving them would mean neglecting them so I made the choice to stay and take care of them. My leaving and coming back would have been a much better decision for all of us. I regret it now. At the time I never had a job. I hoped she would help me pay for school even local, while I myself looked for a job, but she also made that clear that she wouldn’t. So frustrated and tired of everything I just decided to quit on my life and my future and everything along with it. I quit school, stopped eating, I just lied in bed everyday and watched my life slowly turn into more shit. I regret choosing the difficult journey but what is there to do now about that? I have to move on and make things better for myself and for my siblings. What are you going to do now? Now? I am ready to be unstuck. I have yet to earned my diploma or equivalent, but have now scheduled testing dates for the two weeks in February coming up. I want to make this year worthwhile. I want to go to school, gain more work experience, gain more financial stability, and work towards my goals. I want to make my dream trip to Toronto a reality. I want to be there financially for my siblings and for myself. I want that apartment. I want a car. I want to be successful. I want a future for myself, my future partner, and my future kids. I want to feel alive again. I will take all my strength and blessings and put my all into these testing dates and into every day I have to make myself better. I am 21 years old and hope to see this when I’m 30 and have already achieved so much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please, if you are thinking of dropping out. Please don’t. Things are changing and if you don’t do this you’ll fall behind. Don’t let yourself be left behind. You’ll thank yourself for getting through that milestone and nothing will take that moment away from you. You will feel proud, empowered, and will have made an achievement.

[indiependentpanda-blog]

[indiependentpanda-blog]

[indiependentpanda-blog]