ineedanoutlettorant

[ineedanoutlettorant]

I fully understand how someone would break under torture. To be more specific, I fully understand why *I* would break under torture.

10.28.24.

[ineedanoutlettorant]

I've just realized how much I fucking hate my job. I dread going into work, am miserable when I get there. I'm overworked and underpaid. I can't fucking do it anymore.

[ineedanoutlettorant]

My baby will likely be crossing the Rainbow bridge today. I'm not ready to let her go, but I can't bear seeing her in constant pain. My poor baby can't even walk. I'm going to miss her so damn much.

11.27.23

[ineedanoutlettorant]

072923

[ineedanoutlettorant]

I'm so goddamn lonely. I'm starting to lose hope of ever having a life I enjoy. It's every goddamn day of the week, just this feeling of wanting to cry but being unable to, having brought myself into this fucking mess. No one tells me anything or takes me seriously, yet they expect me to just cover for them without prior notice or deal with things I've had no experience in. That's not Training, That's poor management. And I hate myself for not standing up to them. I want to go to a universe where I'm actually good at something and loved by people other than my parents, with no health problems.

I feel like I want to die. The only reason I'm still here is the boys and my parents.

072923

[ineedanoutlettorant]

I'm in a constant state of longing. I feel like I'm making progress with shifting, which is good, but I want to be in my DR so bad. Maybe I'm ungrateful, but...I'm unhappy. The urge to just ... escape is overwhelming.

Is this really all there is to life? An endless cycle of short bouts of happiness and long seasons of despair, apathy and depression. I literally feel like I'm losing who I am...or who I was. And I'm saying this when I thought I didn't know who I was before.

042723

[ineedanoutlettorant]

This is what I mean! Getting blamed for everything and then being told to just suck it up. I had a plan if you even cared to ask. But EXCUSE ME for wanting to get some sleep and a semblance of a healthy sleep schedule.

011623

[ineedanoutlettorant]

At this point the only other reason I'm living is for mom, dad and the dog. Because they'd be sad if I was gone. There's nothing to look forward to in this world. Shifting seems like my last hope for wanting to live for myself. I refuse to be blamed any longer when I'm already blaming myself so much. I will pick myself up and move forward, because there are people I love waiting for me in another reality. And if I never manage to shift, the end isn't far. It will come eventually, whether from my health problems or something else. I've already endured so much, a few more years won't make much difference. I feel as if something has changed, as if I'm closer to shifting than ever before. As if I can feel them waiting for me. They are my anchor in rough waters. So I'll believe in myself. In my ability to shift. I will practice meditation and focus, scripting and methods, and finding what's right for me. Because I'm not afraid anymore.

011523

[ineedanoutlettorant]

I feel...lost. adrift. Angry. Sad for a reason I can't seem to explain. I feel hatred for myself. I definitely think it's another depression spiral because thoughts keep coming back. It's not thoughts of wanting to k!ll myself, but more along the lines of "why am I here? Why am I alive? Is any of this worth it in the end?" And then there's the new one- "i wonder how many years I have left". When mum and dad are gone I'll probably start an even more dramatic spiral sequence, and I'll feel even more scared alone and helpless. Then because I haven't got a degree or license I'll only be able to work low wage jobs in order to live. I'll either work myself to death or die due to being unable to afford medical treatment from any one of my possible health problems. I know I've said this before but I don't expect to live here on Earth very long. It's not like I'm planning to end it, but more like...expecting the inevitable.

I just realized that apart from some very rare events, I haven't felt the magic of living in a long time, longer than I'd like to admit.

110322

[ineedanoutlettorant]

I can't, no, I WON'T put up with this anymore. It's only common courtesy to ask before you put someone down for a reference. I am really busy during the day with work and school. The only free time I will have these next few weeks will be the nighttime. So you just put me down as a reference without asking me and then tell me "so hey these guys will be calling you sometime during the weekday". I'm sorry, but I can't answer the phone during school or work! Like....Seriously? Wth!!! Like I know you don't have the same type of anxiety as I do or you wouldn't do these things.

110322

[ineedanoutlettorant]

Calling someone a "weeb" isn't cool or quirky or funny. It's making fun of the things we enjoy and acting like we're weird for liking those things, or generalizing that we're obsessed with anime or kpop or whatever simply because we bring it up once. We listen to you guys talk about stuff we're not interested in all the time, but whenever we bring up something that involves anime or kpop we're a weeb. It's truly ironic, this double standard.

100222

[ineedanoutlettorant]

I HAVE NOW DECIDED. I WILL USE THIS TRIP AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET CLOSER TO SHIFTING. I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT YOU WANT ANYMORE. I'M AT MY LIMIT

(Well tbh I've been at my limit for a while now so whether I bottle it back up before I explode or actually do something about it is left to be seen 🙄)

072722

It's the being FUCKING INCONSIDERATE for me. Seriously it's just one thing after another. If you tell me to be ready at 9:30 TO 10, THAT'S THE EARLIEST I WILL BE READY. I DO NOT CARE IF YOU GET READY EARLIER.

GAAAAAAAAAaAaaaaaaaaaassaaaAaaAaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I'M SO FURIOUS I'M CRYING

Not only that, I'm surviving on 3 hours of sleep, maybe less, because my insomnia decided to have a fucking party last night. I may be on the end of shark week, but now is NOT a good day to fuck around and find out, I guarantee it.

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

[ineedanoutlettorant]

It's the being FUCKING INCONSIDERATE for me. Seriously it's just one thing after another. If you tell me to be ready at 9:30 TO 10, THAT'S THE EARLIEST I WILL BE READY. I DO NOT CARE IF YOU GET READY EARLIER.

GAAAAAAAAAaAaaaaaaaaaassaaaAaaAaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I'M SO FURIOUS I'M CRYING

Not only that, I'm surviving on 3 hours of sleep, maybe less, because my insomnia decided to have a fucking party last night. I may be on the end of shark week, but now is NOT a good day to fuck around and find out, I guarantee it.

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

[ineedanoutlettorant]

FUCK I HATE MYSELF

WHY

WHY DID YOU AGREE TO GO YOU STUPID BITCH

YOU KNOW IT WILL MAKE YOU UNHAPPY AND YOU STILL CAN'T SAY NO

YOU FUCKING COWARD

I'm so ready to cry right now wtf

I hate this

I hate myself

I'm so mad at myself that I'm actually crying

I'm a motherfucking idiot

I tried to play it off. I tried to avoid the issue. Eventually I felt guilty for avoiding the issue, because it felt like I was avoiding her when I don't want to avoid her, but I want to avoid the activity. SO WHEN SHE CALLED I PICKED UP. WHEN SHE ASKED I FUMBLED FOR AN EXCUSE. AND THEN MY STUPID IDIOTIC PEOPLE-PLEASING ASS SAID OKAY.

God fucking damn it. Angry tears are real. I am so upset at myself right now that words can't even describe.

We're going to THBTSOTR and that's it, I'm done. I don't fucking care anymore. We will do the activity, but that's ALL we're doing. And I will not hide my discomfort in order to placate her. If she can't read my fucking signals I will showcase my fucking discomfort in front of EVERYONE until she does. Though if she asks me what's wrong with me I might just fucking snap.

I am INFURIATED right now.

[ineedanoutlettorant]

My friend: Hey, let's hang out on Monday!

Me: Okay, sure!

*later*

My friend: So let's volunteer at 10 in the morning for 6 hours

Me: ... 😔😞😤

Like, I thought we were going to hang out?? I know you like volunteering but I never offer to do a lot of the things I really like because I know you aren't interested. I despise waking up early, because due to my insomnia I have trouble getting to sleep, so when I do sleep I end up sleeping later than most. I already work a lot helping others at my job and wanted to hang out and chill, to do something for ME. I'm not saying we should just do whatever I want to do, because I want it to be an activity both of us enjoy.

Like last time we had a movie night like you wanted (and I enjoyed!) and then we talked about a topic YOU wanted to talk about for an hour. The time before that we spent HOURS at the scrap store. I enjoyed the first few minutes and found some items, but by the time you were done I had gone through the whole store about 7 times over. I don't like being in stores for too long once I find what I'm looking for because I impulse buy, but I felt it would be rude to go back to the car. If you needed my opinion on something I would understand, but you just wandered around on your own and left me to my own devices, so why did you even invite me?

Every time you bring up volunteering I'm hesitant or say I have something going on, because I don't want to sound like a bitch for refusing to help others, especially since you're the kind of person that enjoys doing this type of thing, but I'm just not interested! I can tell that I'll be uncomfortable and miserable the whole time, on a day when I'm supposed to be relaxing. I'm such a conflict-averse person I would rather run than address the issue, so here we are. Me hoping you'll finally pick up on my social cues and you continuing to be oblivious and control the situation to your liking. If I say I don't want to outright, I'll feel horrible and like I'm a bad friend. If I say okay, I'll feel miserable and uncomfortable.

Sometimes it feels like I'm just an accessory. I used to be more extroverted in the past, and it makes me sick to know I might have acted this way to others without realizing their discomfort.

I don't want to open the message because then you'll know I've seen it. I don't want to reply because I don't know what to say. Yet every time I pull down the window on my phone screen I see the message again and my discomfort only increases.

This daily dose of anxiety is really just the cherry on my depression sundae. Huzzah.

071022

[ineedanoutlettorant]

Why should one's happiness depend on others? Why is it that whenever I finally feel a moment of happiness, someone else is upset and I feel so guilty for being happy? If I'm having a moment of joy and don't realize that someone is struggling, does that make me a bad person? If someone close to me hasn't asked me for help and I don't help them, why does that make me a terrible person? I would have helped if I'd known you needed it, I'm sorry for not recognizing your non-verbal ques, I'm sorry I was so caught up in myself.

I'm tired of being sorry, because I don't know how to improve. Do I have to constantly be on the lookout for someone else's emotional and physical wellbeing in my life? If so, where is the person who's constantly on the lookout for me?

My best friend, my rock, is gone. Recent circumstances, including the death of a loved one, have left me more broken than ever. And it seems like my efforts are always too late or never enough for the people still in my life. I don't know what to do anymore.

061722

[ineedanoutlettorant]

These past two days have just been sadness and pain.

Like fuck I thought things were supposed to be getting better

I've been in physical pain all over my body and consistent emotional pain. I usually bounce back from sadness quickly, but I can't seem to this time.

My throat is dry, I have horrible period cramps, a pretty large and nasty sunburn on my back and a throbbing headache. I had an argument with my mother yesterday that left us both in tears, and today I found out someone close to me passed away and that BTS is going on a group hiatus to focus on solo activities which means no world tour this year. I'm happy for them but at the same time I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It hurts.

061422