infinitetautology-blog - Tumblr blog

[infinitetautology-blog]

reasons to be skinny

1. because i was there once 

2. so my parents notice and compliment me

3. so i can fit into clothes that i once wore

4. so i can look hot without clothes on

5. to feel good about my body

6. to resist the temptations of food

7. control my binging and not feeling overly full

8. being able to be a lightweight

9. being admired by other people

10. finally being pretty and skinny

11. to have a purpose 

12. following that purpose

[infinitetautology-blog]

hunger

i feel the pang of hunger. i usually give in but i won’t today. i have been good with today, staying under 1200 calories.

i’m dumb though. i started with a plan to fast for 24 hours, then i changed to eating only 500 calories. in the end, i ended up eating a little over 1000 calories. i will likely end up with a similar calorie count tomorrow. i plan to eat three eggs (210) and a piece of toast and then my chipotle meal, which is around 500 calories. i want to start eating only one meal a day. when i’m at chipotle, it’ll be good because i can have a little bit larger of a bowl. when i’m back in corvallis, it’ll be good because i save more of my dining dollars. 

this is all good because i want to lose weight. i want to be skinny. 

thin.

pretty.

happy?

[infinitetautology-blog]

this is my new journal. i missed infinitetautology the tumblr account because it was a place for me to feel less hurt. here i am again because the hurt is growing in my heart again.

i am a big waste of space. i am fat. my stomach sticks out too much and my clothes don’t even fit me. what the fuck am i doing.

i overeat. i am gluttonous. i steal from my work when i have already eaten plenty in a day. what the fuck am i doing.

i hate my body. i hate looking like a balloon. i need to stop doing this to myself. i don’t want to be fat. i’m scared. what the fuck am i doing,

i am 160 pounds today. what the fuck am i doing.

[infinitetautology-blog]

an ode to my youth

here’s an ode to my youth because 

there are so many things that i just didn’t have the strength to say

like a big, “fuck you” to 

all the emotional abuse you caused me because 

violence isn’t just physical. 

to how scared you made me feel 

and to how unsafe i always thought i was and forever will be.

because i thought you’d always show up in my future

and i thought that you would ruin my life for me because

i threatened to kill myself if you did and i 

didn’t really think you cared. 

and i know you loved the feeling of control because 

you were 21 and i was just

13

and because you didn’t know what boundaries were and

that does not excuse you from

all the hurt that i’ve internalized.

and these days it never seems to be an if for young girls

rather it always seems to be a when

[infinitetautology-blog]

7 years

once i was 7 years old, i was blissfully ignorant in my own world, before i had any real problems in the world. once i was 10 years old, it was the downhill relationship between my parents and my brother that foreshadowed the same destructive relationship i would find myself in now, but with different circumstances. once i was 13 years old and even 14, i found myself emotionally abused by older “men” -- 17, 19, 20, 21, 23 -- who thought that there were romantic possibilities between us -- and, might i aggressively add now, to fuck off; who let me live years that followed in anxiety that bubbles up in fear that they’d find me again. i was more than lost than lost, whatever that may be, and there was no greater moment of isolation i had felt than these experiences. it hurt to talk about, to think about, to write about. once i was 16 years old, and i thought that all of these things were behind me; 16 was going to be the best year of my life, except for when it wasn’t. like the off and on phases of body dysmorphia -- was there even an off phase? -- or the hours spent crying out of frustration at my father because he didn’t understand why i do what i do. like hearing my family tell my mom, “why would you even bother working?” when she works an entry-level job because she wants to be able to provide for me or hearing my parents argue over who gets to visit China over the summer -- consequently, my dad -- and arguing over extended family. like being ridiculed for doing debate when it wasn’t a “good enough of an investment” in my dad’s eyes or getting yelled at by brother to just “shut up already” when doing spreading drills. and now i’m 17, and i don’t know where to go anymore. i have the berkeley tournament in 2 days and i’m writing this instead of prepping when i already have practically nothing. there’s a strange comfort in the question of, “do i want to kill myself?” and every passing day seems to push a little bit more towards the edges -- a neutral day doesn’t really exist. but why not, when getting a b is going to be the end of the world in my parents’ eyes, when debate simply isn’t worth it, when camp is far too expensive to justify going to, when my musical talents are negligible because everyone can play them too anyways, when my relationship with my parents doesn’t exist, when i’ll never be good enough for myself anyways and i’ll never be good enough for anyone else being who i am now. and once i was 7 years old, thinking that the world was going to treat me right.

[infinitetautology-blog]

rain

there are so many words on the tip of my tongue that

i don’t know how to say and it’s like i’ve never learned how to speak them

but i still have too much to tell you

and i really hope that you’ll forgive me because 

i 

just want to say the right things even though i know i’ll ruin everything anyways

so please just hold me close and 

let me sob quietly into your chest.

[infinitetautology-blog]

starlight

i can’t recall the last time i saw anything more beautiful than the night sky striking your face, illuminated by the nearby fluorescent lights in the 3 a.m. light. i wanted to be nothing but present, surrounded by the fresh scent of your cologne and your wide arms wrapping around me to keep me warm and safe and yours. i always return to our moment there, and that place will never be anything different, for it will always be ours, never theirs or solely mine or yours. 

i can’t tell if i miss you or the idea of you; i can’t tell if i love you or the idea of you, and perhaps that is all the more painstaking. i don’t think i will be anything ever more to you than just laura, and i will be okay with that, soon. 

at least promise me that you won’t forget me, please. 

xx

[infinitetautology-blog]

caramel macchiatos

cw // suicide

as i sit in a starbucks, the terrible music blasting, my mind runs awry. i should be focusing on something productive, like studying for my hardest finals tomorrow or working on debate because i have a tournament his weekend. but there are so many things that i want to say but i don’t know where, how, or why. 

i’ve never been the kindest person to myself, but i’d like to think that i try my hardest to please the other people in my life as best as possible. i’ve never been the prettiest or most-hardworking person, which is a nice call to reality when i dream about being a mayfete princess somehow next year or qualifying to the TOC when i can’t even prep for the berkeley tournament. and i’ve never been someone to completely open up about how i feel -- it’s really hard for me to do, especially in person. 

which brings me to how i feel; for a while, i’ve merely glimpsed over a certain question and pushed it away because i considered it momentary. but every passing day, it stays. the question in mind is: do i want to kill myself? it’s a foreign question, and i understand that it’s not out of the blue to think about it at times, and wouldn’t really consider myself as having depression (granted i’ve never seen a doctor about it). it has, however, become something that i think about at home, while driving, at school, out with friends. and it seems so easy too? because then maybe i wouldn’t be considered a disappointment to my parents because i didn’t get the grade they wanted me to in calculus this year or because they think debate is a waste of money, especially because i’m not good and camp is too expensive for them. maybe i wouldn’t have to worry about college and careers that i’ll never get into regardless because i’m not unique compared to the thousands of other asians who are busting their ass off and are doing ten times more than what i am. maybe i wouldn’t have to worry about practicing piano or prioritizing debate over piano and disappointing my teacher every lesson. maybe i won’t have to try to make plans with friends that somehow always fall through or when i never get a response back. 

the answer is no, only because i’m too afraid to try. i guess i’m just lacklustre laura in every situation

[infinitetautology-blog]

17 things i’ve learned in nearly 17 years

pre-thinking:

(1) dissatisfaction with yourself only helps to an extent -- long-term, it is destructive to your confidence, esteem, and relationships. every day is an opportunity to be a little bit better. 

(2) whether you think you need it or not, sleep is v important to feel good. 

(3) not everyone is a good person. some people will manipulate you, try to control you, threaten you, harass you. if you have any doubt, leave.

(4) surround yourself with people that build you up, and vice versa. friendship and relationships are always a two-way effort. you will always be able to find the right kind of people, and those that do not put in enough effort do not deserve you.

(5) failure is okay. whether you think it is or not, it is natural. it will happen at some point. but you will pick yourself back up because you are resilient. you will be hurt, but not broken.

(6) never be afraid to ask or try.

(7) don’t be ashamed of who you are, your culture, your background, your ethnicity, etc. you are you for a reason -- still a work in progress for me. younger, i was always embarrassed to admit that i was chinese/asian and i don’t even know why, but the feeling still lingers with me.

(8) follow your passions and hobbies. if you enjoy what you do, there’s no reason why you should stop. screw anyone who thinks otherwise -- stay true to who you are. if you really do enjoy it, you will make time for it and find a way.

(9) talk back to your parents. obviously there’s an extent to this, but i’ve definitely learned this way too late. growing up, my parents have always been super critical of everything i do and everywhere i go and who i’m friends with, despite not really knowing who i am. but they’ve become used to pushing me around and trying to control my life for me -- i do not recommend this. your parents should support what you want to do, not be a force of opposition in your life. live a little.

(10) be open to talk & listen. making yourself open to other people grows your ability for empathy and compassion a lot more than you’d think. talking to other people and listening to them when they need is not only comforting but also a good way to get to know people and feel good about that fact that you’re there for someone when they need you.

(11) communicate. as petty as you may be, communication is critical to pretty much anything. i’ve learned this the hard way, but you won’t get anywhere or solve anything if you refuse to actually talk to each other.

(12) make the first move. you’re losing out on so many opportunities if you just wait for them to come to you -- as the great jefferson moore suggests, “be aggressive” but maybe not too aggressive. that aside, even if it’s just an offer to hang out with someone, that’s still a new opportunity that may not have been presented to you. be confident. even if they say no, you don’t lose anything. 

(13) take some time to smell the flowers, enjoy the scenery, and fall in love with nature.

(14) alongside that, don’t be afraid to fall in love in general. suppressing your feelings certainly won’t make them go away. cry over them, laugh, learn. your heart may get broken, but it will heal, i promise, even if it seems impossible.

(15) recovery takes times. this goes along with the last one, but also different. change is scary, especially with a broken heart. but i promise that there will be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel and better opportunities awaiting you.

(16) take a day off. a day to do nothing but lay in bed, listen to nice music, stare out at the sky, spend all day outside, whatever. take your mind off completely anything. make it like a typical saturday, but purposeful. 

(17) make the world a happy place. do anything you can to create a little positivity in the midst of everything that has happened in 2016 and 2017. 

xo -- your favorite almost 17 year old asian gal

[infinitetautology-blog]

penser a voix haute

je pense que la monde était un endroit très interresant à cause de gens, qui sont totalement unique. vous êtes seulement vous, et il n`est pas possible pour changer ça. et, j`ai penserais sûr comme j`ai recontré avec vous en particulier dans ma vie, parce que je ne sais pas quoi j`ai fait. vous êtes trop bonne pour moi, à mon avis, et si je serai hônnete, je ne te mérité pas. 

malgré que j`ai dit ces choses, c`était extraordinaire que je pense encore de vous, tous le temps. je sais que c`est trop improbable que nous serons une chose du futur et je sais que je serai navré en raison de vous. mais, je crois que il sera un plaisir pour mon couer à être brisé par vous. 

et en toute honnêteté, je ne sais pas exactement quoi le point de cet écrivant et quoi je veux écrire pour vous. je sais juste que j`ai une vie devant moi je souhaite que vous serez une partie de mon monde.

je suis seulment une fille qui ne sait pas n`importe quoi, alors, s`il vous plait, ne m`écouté pas pour un longtemps ou du tout. merci.

[infinitetautology-blog]

reminder

a reminder, from me to you, that you are absolutely deserving of anything or anyone good that comes into your life, because that will change your life in ways you never thought imaginable, just as you have for the other people who are lucky enough to have you in their lives. 

a reminder, from me to you, that life is full of its ups and downs for a reason -- you’ll live, you’ll love, and you’ll lose, and it’s perfectly okay because nobody is perfect, but you are as close to that as one can be and do not let anyone else convince you otherwise. forgive yourself for yesterday’s mistakes because there’ll never be anything new to see by dwelling on it.

a reminder, from me to you, that a bad day is just that -- one bad day. make tomorrow better.

a reminder, from me to you, that when you are afraid to do something, just do it. it can and likely will open so many new opportunities and curiosities for you. even if it ends badly, it only proves your bravery and willingness to step out of your comfort zone.

a reminder, from me to you, that you have the capability to accomplish anything you set your heart and mind to, because your passion burns brighter than the stars at night and your thoughts race faster than the speed of light. 

a reminder, from me to you, that you are the only person with your experiences, your eyes, your opinions, your voice, your judgement. celebrate your differences and uniqueness, for that is exactly why you are celebrated by others.

a reminder, from me to you, that you should be kinder to yourself, because you are doing the best that you can. life is hectic enough with other people interfering in your life, so don’t be another obstacle in your own life. take some time to breathe and take care of your mental and emotional health too.

a reminder, from me to you, that i, and so many people, will always love and support you, no matter what happens.

[infinitetautology-blog]

talking is hard

when you don’t want to

when i’m a little too quiet 

when i don’t know what to say

when i close myself off

when you make me happier than words can express

when i’m flustered

when the silence is too loud 

when you tell me to talk to you later

when i’m too scared

when i’m crying

when i don’t know how to respond

when i don’t want to lose you.

[infinitetautology-blog]

16

feels like a fresh spring in your step, like you’ve earned a smile that no one can steal.

16 feels like a new world of freedom, excitement and adventure opened up for you because your daring heart has not had enough.

16 feels like a peek into responsibility, trust, and adulthood, since of course, you’re one step closer to 18.

16 feels alive because you’re on top of the world compared to the past few years.

16 is a year of new opportunities, new loves, and new losses.

i guess it’s almost time to say good-bye

[infinitetautology-blog]

108

it is more than a number -- this is my life. 

108 signifies happiness if i were to look down at my never-quite-good enough legs. 108 signifies beauty if i were to look in the mirror, a slight smile edging its way onto my mouth; satisfaction because i was able to look this way again. 108 captures a prominent sternum and jawline, a flat stomach and a tighter waist; features that will ever only be the pretty parts about me -- not my face because of my hideous smile, slightly too small eyes, grossly large nose, and outstanding forehead. i will never be pretty enough to model, no matter what my 13-year-old self wanted to believe, but at least i can be model-skinny and be half-way there. i genuinely wonder, with all these pretty girls how can anyone ever love me? it’s strange that anyone else has the slightest sort of attraction to me when there is absolutely zero trace of self-love, at least not until i can meet 108. or maybe one day i’ll wake up from this disillusioned dream. 

i’m meeting with 143 right now, but i’ll be there soon.

[infinitetautology-blog]

be my baby

i’ve missed the feeling of your hand in mine as i sat in the passenger seat, oblivious to any other cares in the world. i was living in the moment; rather, i was living, and it was a different experience. the moments hang around in the corners of my mind, constantly appearing like tulips sprouting in spring. i’ve missed the feeling of your warm embrace against the cold, unrelenting portland air, especially when i visited our meeting spot one week later. i felt comfort and all my fears, doubts, and stress melt away, if even for an hour or two, and i miss it more than ever as stress continues to pile on top of me. i’ve missed the feeling of your lips pressed against mine. eyes closed, the only thing in my world was you; the only thing i cared about, too. even in the darkness, everything was more luminous than anything i’ve ever seen before. soft shadows cast themselves onto your face from the local street lamp, your hushed voice reassuring me that you’d come back soon. 

three weeks later, the only thing i want is you.

[infinitetautology-blog]

setting fires

i’ve never struck a match before, but i want to set a fire as bright as the stars and larger than the earth, the crackle of the embers deafening, the gray smoke suffocating. but i want to light this fire with streaks of passion and love, to show that girls that they deserve to pursue their interests, even if no one else wants them to; to show that to show that in the face of defiance, they are still integral to that community; to show that if it is something they love, they deserve to participate in it. a fire to demonstrate that hard work trumps “talent,” that love trumps hate, that dedication is infinitely invaluable. 

i want to set a fire that burns far into the night.