inheritedthrowaway

[inheritedthrowaway]

hi it's op. some more info, since we now know A LITTLE BIT more and I'm not as completely out of it as I was when I submitted this:

-to all of the people saying to get a lawyer: I promise I wasn't trying to come here for legal advice lol. tbh I kinda figured that that would be something we would have to do. I've returned home, but Phineas told me before that his close friend offered to set him up with a lawyer for this situation, so I'll let him know to get on that when he's able. unfortunately, the stress of everything + his job has been keeping him somewhat unavailable, but if what some people in the notes is saying is true, I guess this was always gonna be a long process anyway. its been less than 3 weeks since it happened, tbh looking back I'm surprised we've done as much as we have.

-but on that note I was less worried about the legal side than the moral side. truly Phineas and I are down for whatever she is ok with us doing that we are legally able to do--except paying our dad's portion of the debt, bc we definitely can't afford to do that. it turns out they still owe like, more than half of what the house is worth, and it's a house in a major city on the West Coast so that's A LOT. so the point is kinda moot anyway bc it wouldn't really make much difference if we gave her anything bc we could not afford to come close to covering that anyway. so the actual question of if we'd be assholes, I guess, is No, bc we can't anyway.

-the more concrete monetary situation is this: myself, Phineas and Aaron were the 3 beneficiaries of his life insurance, splitting it even 3 ways (I was told I get 34%, so I assume they each get 33%). I won't share the exact amount here, I'll just say: it's less than a quarter million, but it's got 6 digits. which like. when I heard the number I almost threw up. I saw some in the notes saying "uh 5 figures isn't exactly life-changing." y'all, my partner and I each make under $20k a year. we live paycheck-to-paycheck. any amount that is more than a years salary (or hell, even HALF that) is gonna be life changing in some way for us, even if that change is "we can now afford to move to a different apartment if we need to".

-(since Aaron is underage and can't legally enter a financial contract, his mom will probably be in charge of what happens to his share. not sure there's much we can do about that but hopefully she does the right thing and puts it in a CD or whatever till he's of age)

-we still never did find a will, but other than the money in his bank account (probably not a lot, considering his bills), the trailer and the half of a house, my dad didn't really own anything that would be worth fighting over (his vehicle was completely destroyed in the wreck). its mostly all things like clothes, the furniture in the trailer, multimedia stuff, etc, nothing else with like deeds or official ownership or whatever. Phineas and I have been pretty much on the same page regarding everything to do with his estate so far in abstract, so idk how much a lawyer needs to be involved in figuring out who gets his Big Bang Theory DVDs. but we probably will add it to the list anyway, cuz the dude was kinda a hoarder and has 2 storage units and a shed we need to go through so who KNOWS what he's got put away.

-to the one person in the notes shaming me for "writing his cheating off as polyamory" or whatever: as I said in the post I am literally polyamorous myself and I'm not excusing his actions, but I am calling it like I see it. he was absolutely a cheater about it I just don't want people getting the impression that he was some gross womanizing asshole, cuz he wasn't. my dad may have been stupid but he wasn't like, a piece of shit for fun.

anyway the whole situation has been incredibly exhausting and I get the feeling the paperwork has only just begun. in my defense I've never had to deal with the legal side of somebody dying before, so I'll fully admit I don't know what I'm doing lol. thanks for the feedback, I'll probably leave this account up for like a month or something if anybody has further questions and/or advice.

@am-i-the-asshole-official

here's a wild one for y'all. cw for parental death. names have been changed, it is a kinda specific situation but I think only 1 of my family members is on Tumblr so whatever. sorry it got so long, it's a complicated situation and still VERY fresh so my brain is kinda fried lol.

tldr my dad passed away without a will and we want to give his long-distance "side" gf the house he helped her buy. I'm worried she won't be able to afford the mortgage, but don't really want to give her any of the monetary payouts. WIBTA if my brothers and I kept all of the cash?

so late last week (it's Dec 19 as of submitting) my father (60s M) passed away in a sudden car accident on his way to work. I'm (late 20s ftM) his oldest child, I also have a younger brother (mid 20s M) who we'll call Phineas and an even younger half-brother (almost tween, M) who we'll call Aaron.

so I'd describe my dad as a kind and loving but stubborn and stupid man. I would also guess, based on what I know of his love life, that he was polyamorous but didn't realize it due to his conservative Christian upbringing and didn't know it was an option so instead ended up being...well, kinda an adulterer tbh. this isn't to excuse his actual actions bc they were obviously wrong, but is the way the situation reads to me, a polyamorous person.

Dad had a long distance girlfriend (50s??? maybe??? F) on the West Coast (we live near the East Coast), we'll call her Melody. I met her a few years back when he flew Phineas and I with him to visit her. she's a sweet woman from what I know of her. when I got the news of his passing, I was the one who called her to let her know what happened. (which sucked.)

well, what I Didn't know until I was trying to scrape together travel arrangements (I live 5 hours away from Phineas and my dad) was that he also had a Wife (60sF), who we'll call Patricia. (it wasn't a legal marriage, it was "in the eyes of the Lord" as they said, due to legal complications to do with her social security benefits or something. which is why the arrangements for his death fell onto Phineas and I as his adult children. but if he called her his wife then as far as I'm concerned that's what she is.) he didn't really tell me or Phineas about the full nature of their relationship. Phineas found out bc our dad was spending so much time with her that he'd practically moved in w her, put two and two together and asked her to confirm. I never even knew she existed till all this happened. he had told his parents and siblings about her, and they approved of her. we can only speculate why he kept it so quiet to us, she thinks bc of his history with Real Duds that we'd be upset somehow. idk.

so anyway Patricia knew about Melody. my dad was already seeing Melody when he started seeing Patricia. I don't know what he was thinking when he got with Patricia tbh, can't ask him now anyway, but she knew about Melody the whole time. wasn't thrilled about it, constantly told him he needed to tell her the truth and end things, but doesn't truly hold that against Melody herself bc she didn't know.

Melody, however, did not know about Patricia. he was planning to tell her at some point. kept meaning to. still loved her, didn't wanna hurt her, but was also trying to be monogamously committed to Patricia too. he never got around to actually ending things with Melody before he passed, and as far as she knew he was still planning to move out there and get married to her. he even took out a loan to help her pay for her late mother's house, both their names are on the mortgage and deed.

which brings me to my question. my dad didn't seem to have a will (not that we can find anyway), so Phineas and I are the ones in charge of distributing his various belongings and payouts and such. we both agree that we don't have any use for some house across the country, and Melody is already living in it anyway. imo she should just Have It. however, she is also Pretty Poor. I don't know the specifics of her situation (or, really, much about the complications of home ownership?) but I do worry about her ability to continue to pay the mortgage, assuming that's a thing. we're still waiting to hear about all the details and numbers and have somebody who actually knows about that stuff translate it into layman's terms for us non-homeowners (or in Phineas's case, Brand New Homeowner) so we can get a full picture of how all that is going to work legally speaking.

Dad also had life insurance thru his employer. we are still working thru the red tape at his company to figure out who the beneficiary is, the most likely candidate being me as the eldest child. Phineas and I are agreed that we'll at least be splitting most, if not all, the money evenly between us and Aaron. Patricia is INSISTENT that she doesn't want any of it, she wants us kids to keep it bc unlike some of his exes she never cared about his money (he made GOOD money, but still ended up kinda poor due to both being generous to, and having been taken advantage of by, multiple women since my bio mom died. including having to shell out an insane amount of child support for Aaron despite already having a very active role in his life. like he paid more child support than either I or my fiancee even make at our jobs, while also frequently just straight up directly providing for him where he could). because of his income it's looking like a pretty hefty payout.

however, my brother and I are both pretty poor as well. while we don't know the exact amount we're getting, some are speculating a number that, even split 3 ways, would be Life-Changing for us. we're talking 5 figure amounts, more than I or my fiancee make in a year. like we'll still need to work for a living but, for example, it could be a down-payment on a house or a massive safety net for when I'm out of work (I have a steady job but with seasonal unpaid breaks). it could help Phineas afford expensive repairs for the trailer he now owns, which my dad was supposed to help pay for. in the right account with a decent interest rate, it could be tuition for when Aaron goes to college.

I feel like I Should probably toss some of that money Melody's way, esp since I feel so bad that she's getting the one-two punch of finding out her bf died AND also he had a wife she wasn't aware of. but my brothers and I could really use that money as well. I don't know that Phineas wants to send her any, we're saving that conversation for when we know more of the exact numbers. I don't even know how much Dad was paying towards it, or if he even was anymore. plus--and this is kinda a minor detail--but there's kind of a general vibe I'm getting from the Family (ALL 4 of my dad's siblings AND both his parents are somehow still alive) that Melody is kinda...unliked. they love Patricia and were CONSTANTLY frustrated that he was still visiting Melody and frequently sending her money; I get the feeling they viewed her the same as some of his other gold-digging exes so i think maybe sending her Even More Money would look a little weird? like she's already getting full ownership of a house out of the deal. most of them are in agreement that Phineas and I are the ones who get the final say on the bulk of these decisions but they're...a little pushy anyway.

like I said, we don't know what any of the actual numbers look like AT ALL yet, so it might actually be fine. but WIBTA if we just left her the sole homeowner when she couldn't really afford it, and not send her any money? the consensus will probably show up too late to affect our decision but hey, figured the situation would make for a wild ride anyway (or maybe I just feel like that bc it has been for me LOL).

What are these acronyms?