ink-in-water

[ink-in-water]

reflections!!

Hello.

This CB period or just the outbreak of corona virus has been rather intimidating. It has made me aware of more things and also question more things.

I think this has made me realised that it is important to have something you really believe in. Or rather a set of things that you really ascribe to and can anchor yourself with. Because at the end of the day you are your only constant. Then also, it is important to build a home environment/ homebase that you really feel comfortable and confident of!! Also, know who are people you want in your life and you want to pace your life with.

I guess most people would say not to compare but I think that’s rubbish. We have to choose who we influence and are influenced by. Like both social and parasocial relationships (esp w social media now) are very important as indicators for our lives. I mean it in a way that it is important to have people who will challenge what you think, who will support and appreciate what you do. To have people who will continue to allow you to learn because they afford that safety, that mentality and also that voice you need. I think a lot of things we do in life should have synergy but not dependency. And that also makes for more fluid and non-hierarchical approach in the way we think. Because we see everything as gears in a system, then we turn different gears on different occasions, but they are all crucial to the operating of the machine.

I want to break out of thinking in ways that closes off a lot of possibilities. Also because these ways of thinking lets me hide behind excuses like, “oh I can’t do this if I want that” or like “I can’t do anything about this because I am this”. But more importantly I think I am at a stage now where I am comfortable enough to know that I don’t know many things and I am confident enough to want to explore and be different(?) from what is the tried and tested methods.

Like I always felt like I wanted to have three kids and a nice house and like a retirement plan. This means that I also have to whole a full-time job that is stable and pays for the middle-class lifestyle. But tbh, I don’t think that is what I want? Because I want to have the freedom of floating to and fro projects, I want that dynamic career. Also I want to see the world here and there, unplug from the “real” world now and then also. And I think JS kinda wants to too? Like the passion we have for being alive is not one that sits perfectly aligned with the middle-class nuclear family narrative. And that’s fine.

I think I still want to have kids, or rather, I want to have my own baby and then have a baby with JS too. And it doesn’t have to be ASAP just cos that is more convenient and that is what we are used to seeing. If we don’t end up having a human baby, I think that’s fine too. But I really want to nurture something with him that will go on to have a life of its own, beyond ours. I want to springboard things that have independence I guess, because I don’t like dependency haha.

Also, I think it’s fine to take longer to get to places. I keep struggling with this especially because famous people are getting younger lmao. But I think it is fine, because if I am already at the top at such a young age, where else do I go? What else do I do? I think it is better to just take chances more and see where we end up and how life goes too.

So I really want to find something I can spend a few years working on and sharing with others. I think I need to do things that benefit more than myself. Because the more I do things for myself (like with my own interest as the utmost priority rather than my growth and the impact of my actions), the more ennui I feel. And I think that is to be expected. If I continue to scream in vacuum, obviously I am not gonna get anything back. But if I start conversations in the market, then it’s different. 

I was listening to Ivan Heng’s talk just now and he said some good stuff. He said young artists like to say that their art was carthatic and that is wrong; that got me very defensive. He said you can use life for art but not art for life. Then I kinda get what he means. We use our life as fodder for the art we make, we don’t use art as an escapist avenue for what we don’t like or refuse to deal with in life. If art cannot service people, why do we expect to be funded for it? Why do we expect audiences if it is for ourselves? If my art doesn’t comfort someone, if  it doesn’t ask the right questions, if it doesn’t give someone something to think about or hope for... Why will they need to see it? What do I have to offer to others in exchange for their time and understanding?

I want to make works that will change others a little too. But I don’t know how yet but I want to try.

I want to live in a way that is more open. A way that will make me more receptive of differences, to be more fluid in the way I think. To be more flexible in the way I act and treat people, systems and objects. I want to figure this out with JS because I think both of us love life this way!!!!!

art is long, life is short!

[ink-in-water]

Some thoughts I should continue to nurture and revisit!

Photography has developed to this insane level of perfection and accuracy that as an artist, I am not sure how to engage w the medium in its contemporary state as a consumable media. Instead I am drawn to the possibilities and ambiguities afforded when we choose to use the camera or lens to create non-image(S). If a photograph merely manages to posses a ephemeral existence in this day and age despite its quality as a method of documentation then perhaps the value of this media or the tools associated with photography lies in the process of creating such images and it’s materiality.

Been watching a lot of liziqi videos and I started to wonder why her videos are so powerful... is it the cultural part, is it because she’s pretty, is it food videos? I think it could be how humane and natural it is, if we are really trying to embrace our larger identity as a human race then nationality shouldn’t matter so much...

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I’m reading jo Spence’s book and I realised... I think I hate women and I want to control men and I love queer and androgynous souls!!!

I HATE WOMEN WHO ARE LIKE TYPICAL MOM COS I FEEL LIKE THEY WILL HARM ME OR EXPEL ME!!!! I want to control men men cos I feel like if they are listening or accomadating to me I’ll be protected and MOM WOMEN WILL BE FAR AWAY FROM ME RAWR.

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22 Oct 19.

I think one thing that Chicago changed in me was the appreciation for (good) design. That never really affected me as much in Singapore simply because everything was so functioning and disposable. How lacking in good design (infrastructure-wise) here and the respect, acknowledgment, pride and stuff for good design in art, culture and heritage has changed how I view design. Good design is not merely visual, it should be impactful, not just in grabbing attention but changing how we think and live. I think that is not corny but rather a more human-/experience-centric take on content/ object creation. Part of design is that it cannot exist without the tangible, at one point you’d find something real, physically or experientially. Anyways, considering these, design is crucial and a very powerful tool for the everyday. It also warrants design as something that is not only visual but something artistic, aesthetic, functional, scientific, psychological, etc, that will give it more depth and value. I think back home, I live a very contemporary life and the contemporary life/ experience of being is very much mediated and also episodic. We don’t see where our food comes from, where our waste goes, every currency is increasingly obscured into concepts with crypto, digital and cashless exchanges. Life is episodic as we have many institutions and norms that quantify and divide our life and our days. We see phases in our lives in quantitative more than qualitative phases in school, working, retired rather than as mature or discovering… even being an adolescent is pegged to being in school or of a certain age rathe than a state of mind. It is too easy and convenient to just consider everything in isolation rather than continuity. The episodic nature of contemporary life is liberating but also excuses accountability and responsibility. If my family farmed and our children will inherit the land, we would act differently from if this generation farms and could sell the land if it stops being lucrative or interesting for the next. If I dabao food now, I just turn up with a bit more change for the surcharge, I don’t have to bring a tingkat or a bowl, which I carry the whole day and have to wash and keep. If our daily lives allow us such episodic and transient ways of living, the way we think changes too. Our thinking becomes more concerned with the now and the immediate effects on the bodies we inhabit. We think in instances more than in time-space or a passage of sorts. Contemporary life has alleviated us of the need and messiness of being accountable and thinking in the long=-term. That is why things are going bad and people are nastier. Design, which in a way is meant to be a shared legacy and means to bring about change is compromised because it has lost that airtime and relevance in a contemporary city. Why care about whether something is so good if it could last you 20 years when you can get something cheaper that lasts shorter but can be so easily replaced. Especially if we get bored so fast and upkeep is such a hassle. This way of engaging with objects and manners of production has already fucked up our environment. If we bring this even more to the way we engage with our peers, our culture, our heritage, etc—what will happen? Despite literacy and technology, we are surviving more than living, we experience instant to instant with less awareness of the greater picture or the things not immediately seen, heard, felt or undergone by our body. That is why people are leaving their homes when something happens, they don’t fight to fix or save it. 卖国奴 is an outdated concept for many now since there’s no permanence or link to our environment or communities. The concern is to protect and save the body we inhabit, self-preservation and immediate gratification rules. We lost sight of thinking as part of something bigger, that we affect and are affected by something larger. The systems now are so compartmentalized that we do not consider how gears turn together to turn the clock. We, or rather the many I’s in the world are allowed to abstain and live in a pristine and carefully delineated bubble. That is something I noticed and I’m scared, confused and somewhat guilty of. The alienation so sought after in contemporary life is morphing how we are and I’m not so sure I’m comfortable with this.

[ink-in-water]

九月的东西

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SHUsan notag, On Photography

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Dryer

It’s only when I am bringing my laundry out,

with my short hands wrapped over them,

that I can feel the warmth so reminiscent of you.

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Garlic

I nest in between your cloves,

snugly and completely covered.

A bud exists only with the blessings of the cloves,

feeding it,

protecting it,

quenching itself.

Beneath the papery skin,

layers of vulnerability become a shield,

you carry our cores together.

My skin thirst for that gentle touch,

like a light breeze on a scorching day.

That anesthetic allure trapped only by

a lack of space between your skin and mine.

It takes two bodies to warm a bed,

the bud is cold without her cloves.

[ink-in-water]

Thoughts

So I visited Norah’s MAT show and Sam’s on second sight a few days back and both shows gave me loads to think about. Plus it’s National day. LOL

So Norah shared with us how the label of Malay isn’t actually quite a legit thing, but merely a name that Raffles used to make grouping people to rule way easier. And I realised that is quite scary. Because of the label Malay, many of us are ignorant of the greater history, the pre-islamic world, the kingdoms that used to rule our region. I mean, I am obviously a bit apprehensive how a history that far is very different and very absent of my own kind. But it’s still important and it definitely deserves to be at least acknowledged. I mean was it not problematic that SG history (which is pretty much only indoctrinated thru social studies) starts with a MYTH then the whole Raffles story. It’s quite bad isn’t it?? I mean we can laugh at Merlion and be so disconnected from it, but lol isn’t the whole Sang Nila story a bit of an issue if it’s being perpetuated as a “history” rather than folklore? Because it conveniently glosses over what really was happening on our island before colonization? Also the way the whole colonisation saga is being taught also downplays the complexity of the issues, and boderline is unfair to how the temmengong were portrayed? TBH I was offended and kinda looked down on the temmengong when I learn about the whole thing in SS, but hey the issue was more complicated than that and many of them were threatened or trapped, or just outright lied to by the freaking British people. UGH.

So anyways about the labelling. It’s scary because I realised how powerful this racial labelling issue is. Because for the Malays, it’s problematic cos it cut people off their history, it truncates a lot of whatever came before, it destablises you and your community. And the IC race profiling, it’s a divide and conquer strategy. I mean I don’t go as far to think that it’s a form of racial violence to have your race pegged on your IC, because I see it as pragmatic in biological terms? But to be mislabelled is another issue. But anyways a few days after Norah’s sharing... I realised I am not Chinese?

Chinese is also a politcally convenient move. Chinese is a nationality. Chinese as in a person coming from the country China. The whole idea of 华人 as in 中华人民 or 华族人民 is a bit warped isn’t it? Because I think ethnically, China is definitely not homogenous and to lump them together that way is almost impossible, unless there are intentions to homogenise or silence the minorities. I mean yes, in China it’s mainly the Han ethnicity and I guess when most of the “chinese migrants” are considered, they are also Han people. (also China also got racism but it’s a bit more complicated than whatever I know or have the bandwidth to comment) But basically, we aren’t really Chinese people, we are migrants from China? That’s a nationality, not an ethnicity. This new realisation is very confusing, because I don’t know how to consider a huge chunk of my own identity right now because of that. If anything, I am a second gen migrant, from Brunei, and my dad is a second gen migrant from China. That makes me quite the normadic child doesn’t it? Why then do I feel this affinity with Chinese culture? Is it because of the convenience of affiliating myself with something with that rich and cannonical a story? Or is it due to nostalgia, because most things I have grown up with, the values I incur, are derivatives or abbreviations of “Chinese” culture? What even is “Chinese” culture considering that it was a dynastic kingdom that has seen different ruling families, different political boundaries, different leadership (by ethnicity) and so many variations. It is impossible to just consider the past 7000 years or more as a monolithic form of ethnic or cultural whole. That recognition is a very messy one, but now that I am aware of it, I can’t really let it sit that way. 

These realisations make me very confused. Have I been fetishising my own “culture”? Have I been appropriating it? How do I reorientate my bearings and move on from here? (how very poignant to be going on exchange to US now LOL) But, indeed I have to learn more and also I guess given how things are, I have to pick and select which parts of these huge, messy history do I associate myself with. Because, maybe it is going to be futile to just subscribe to the singular way the past has been intellectualised in an academic context. Maybe it’s more meaningful to engage with it as a way of rewriting, and to give myself the agency to choose what I align with. That is not to say that I will pretend the atrocities conducted never existed. But, it is to be more productive and to perpetuate (?) or learn from what I deem relevant and valuable. To see further requires us to stand on the shoulders of giants, so I don’t have to befriend and step on all of the giants. I will observe and choose the giants I feel will be suitable and constructive for me to engage with and share their sights. 

Also it scares me that one day, we might just be Singaporeans, not Singaporeans (ethnicity). Like imagine if our races became just one race-- Singaporean. A lot of import social communities will be eroded completely. Imagine SINDA, Mendaki, Chinese Chamber of Commerce, everything being taken away just because we no longer are permitted to be affliated by our “race”. Then everything becomes somewhat state-governed since it is now based upon our nationality-ethnicity. That becomes quite dismal, with no other powerful private entities motivated or united by other identities to police, supplement or counter what the state does and provide. We become quite monobreed, and if even rice can’t afford a single culture cos that kills them, what more societies/ communities of people.

Not very coherent nor eloquent but these things confound and scare me.

Ok but on to less chilling things, that are worthy of equal consideration, Samu’s show heh.

So the show at Coda that Sam did with Khai and Leonard Wee was quite honestly an unexpected surprise. I went in just expecting pretty sights and romantic fluff and a nice catch up. But I was rewarded with vvvvv earnest and tender feelings. NOT THAT A HUGE DEAL but how they (did not) lit Coda was life changing!!! It made the space way less sterile and honeslty it set the mood so well in the most down-to-earth way possible, I feel like a prick with no taste for being so sticky with how art should be lighted. LOL lessons learnt. But anyways, Sam shared about how the whole show was about memories. On second sight, rather than first sight... It’s a choice to revisit, and to revisit one always ends up rewriting a memory of something. That is the imperfection of recalling, but it is also the beauty; we make it more perfect, more idealised, more tidy and focus on what we choose to nurse and nuture from our experiences. That’s what happens with looking at things at second sight, at third sight, and many more sights after. That to accept this imperfection also allows us to surrender to how poetic and romantic the process of visiting one’s memories is. It is perhaps not a revisitation since every version of the same memory we will visit is a renewal from the previous, an abbreviation of the previous. An image of the event, of the sensations. A curated and very much considered version of what went down. That awareness and that honesty when one recounts is quite precious. And I really enjoyed how the show seduced one to think of memories this way, very much romantic and tender but also with a certain level of critical consideration. But that critical consideration is not intended to murder our human nature to perfect our memories, but rather to be aware of it and to surrender to this instinct. In fact, I think it makes recounted memories all the more precious because this is us telling ourselves what we want and value in the most subconscious and honest way possible. If anything, by allowing this to happen, we allow our memories to grow with us, to be in flux with our own understanding of our selves and to be renewed to be in tandem with ourselves as we grow and evolve. That sounds like a pretty neat way to be in touch with our self identity if you ask me.

I guess at the end of the day. The thing that I realise is important from these two shows is that... I have learnt or I am starting to see that, we are all storytellers. But how we tell and what we choose to echo is very important. At the end of the day who we are is defined by the tales we choose to tell and build our image with. If we are a summation of the impressions we are, then we are a book that is defined by the short stories and anecdotes it records. It is of utmost importance that we carefully consider what stories we tell and endorse. Heh, quite a scary outlook but I feel somewhat peaceful because I feel less lost?

Lost has always been two ways to me... not knowing where I am and not knowing where I want to go. I hate feeling the former kind of lost and I am all for embracing the latter. And with these reflections, I think I am a bit less of the former and that gives me a sense of calm that I don’t usually get to warm up in my chest. heh. life is weird.

[ink-in-water]

emotions

Hi.

So the past week was quite a ride, with many things including seeing Alina in IMH and realising that I am already so immune to hospitals, even before I am a quarter century old. That’s pretty scary.

But also, I learnt that I am also in a v bad state emotionally. I am more used to nursing bad emotions than at keeping the positive ones. It’s uncanny how I can keep a negative emotion with me for years and yet for happy emotions, they pretty much evaporate the moment I encounter them. Honestly, I think it’s because I have so many bad emotional episodes growing up that, that was what I learnt. Song asked Queenie the other day if we learn emotions, I think we do? We intuitively feel a certain emotion, but we do not always know how to deal with emotions until we learn to. And this learning is something that creeps in insidiously as you observe your surroundings as you grow up. That is very problematic.

I’ve just finished watching Zhen Hua Zhuan, and honestly, despite all the moral grey areas, one this is indisputable-- FAMILY BACKGROUND MATTERS. It is problematic because it means no longer what social systems or whatnot life will always be unfair. And honestly my issues with self image and identity will always be somewhat affected. I shared with timwin today about how difficult it is to disown this relationship that I am absolutely disgusted and ashamed of. But it’s difficult because of the biological complications of that and also the issues with filial piety. An apt (and food!!!) analogy will be that, you can cut everything off a lousy piece of lamb shank, but that pesky piece of tendon will remain and that is really the hardest part and the core of it. The part where your core values and morals are in opposition to the very thing you wish to achieve. That is a mess.

I don’t know why I can never make peace with so many of my emotions but I look forward to the day.

Also, I am forever thankful for js and I dunno how else I would be able to even momentarily dare to dream of a family life that is peaceful and harmonious in the future<3

Life is weird and messy and gross, but it’s nice when you have someone to see this mess with you.

[ink-in-water]

hillview drama

I never really expected that if I came back to writing over here it’d be about this issue. But I guess things that are bubbling under the surface will always spill over eventually.

So today morning Tim’s parents came over to hillview and they were shocked to find me, js and edwin there; so obviously they freaked out and I guess tim’s mum had a meltdown and chased us out. Which I totally understand. But also given how sudden it was and how tired we were, I wasn’t processing things as well? Everything felt surreal. 

Now that I am more rested I am started to reexperience the whole thing and it’s very disturbing and a bit unsettling to me. I also spoke w tim with js around after the whole thing. And speaking to Tim’s mum was very bittersweet and I think I can’t still can’t make sense of it entirely nor stop overthinking. I think we are wrong to have gone to his place even though his parents aren’t as happy already but it also sucked that the bigger issues are left unsaid.

I know it’s not right for me to comment too much but given what tim has been struggling with so long and what his mum shared over the phone. It just sucks big time that his parents are so scared he feels like he has to choose between friends or family; and tim feels so pressured that he has to do it. Like it sucks cos it reminds me of my own struggles with pa? How you love each other but it’s so difficult cos you love differently. The only difference here is that they have two decades worth of solid foundation and a system that works. I guess that system is very much anchored by their faith but tim is obviously not as invested as he was before and he tried so hard. So I just wished things like that will eventually pass and everyone can see the priority: the people. I mean for me, it’s really a great pity and irony for them to loose their son and disfranchise him over a book that could have been mistranslated. At the end of the day what religions want is just for people to be good folks and it’s sad to see it destory people and families instead.

But also the whole thing was traumatising? Edwin and I had an almost four hour phone call and it really brought up a lot of painful things? Like ofc I guess we took the space for granted but it was also the only place that felt like a save space. It was very privileged and we were always aware of that but we forgot that it’s not our privilege, it’s tim’s parents' privilege. The three of us and all the rest are there on borrowed time and land. But that’s the thing that is scary. Because for now, it seems that this kind of safe and healing spaces seem only possible because someone else 施舍我们，寄人篱下的感觉真的不好受。It's difficult for me to confront with this whole thing and like it’s very scary. Since JC the three of us have dreamt of sharing a studio, or just something that can allow us to grow together and spend time together. I guess what we forgot as we visited hillview more and more was that it’s only identity is that it’s the chng summer house. or summer home. It was a space that could host guests but it was never meant to be shared the way we have so complacently believed it could be. And to be fair, we have no stake in this, we had no right to allow ourselves to inhabit the space in that capacity. That I think was our greatest mistake to our selves and their family and thus grave disrespect.

But jumping out of this context, the issue remains. Where are safe spaces, why are they so privileged? And for myself, why is it almost definitely mutually exclusive from my own house or anything remotely related to my family. Why do we allow trauma from our lives that agency. Maybe because we never got to heal, but to heal and to abstain from the conditions that afflict such trauma onto you, that is something that most people don’t have and might never have. I think I tried, by staying out with CO, by working so much, by staying in Hall, by overcommiting so that the trauma has to take a backseat. But what really needs to happen is a place that is purged of things like this, or a state where I have transformed these trauma into something of a different form. That is when I can have a safe space. Edwin has been asking me for a place that I feel safe at, I realise I don’t have such a space, I don’t have a home. I feel like a bird without its feet; you just keep flying but you can’t land, you can go to places with less wind and rain but you cant sit yourself down and just take a break. And that’s scary and I know that won’t work in the long run. So really, maybe the safest spaces are found in people and for now, until I can be that person for myself, I need to keep my friends and everyone who can provide this for me close and also respected. 

To always feel like you have to hide, to be dismissed because you are different. These feelings suck and I never expected to have to feel it so strongly from such a precious friend’s parents. And I don’t demonise them, I know it comes from a position of fear and ignorance. But the scary thing is, they are not gonna be the only ones in that place, a lot of people out there are like this too. This is a battle I choose to fight because I value tim, I want to do my best to help him salvage his relationship with his fam. But if it’s anyone else, I wouldn’t have been so submissive and willing to give such views and opinions so much airtime. But what does that mean? Do I really even know what I believe in if it’s something that can be compromised? And if I chose not to, do I even value my friends? It’s very difficult to consider all these issues all at once but there’s also no way to separate them from one an another. And that scares me, because things only get less clear as you walk closer to them. There is no clarity when you are neck-deep in things, there are only struggles and dilemma. 

Again all these reminds me of things at home. I think I might have felt scared because my diy family has been shaken, the same issues at home has slipped their way into the peripherals of my chosen family. And that sucks. I never felt like I had to justify I was a good person, never to anyone else other than my immediate family members. It feels more hurtful and even slightly offensive to be put in this position by my friend’s parent. I justify to my parents because I have no choice, I have my roles, I have to fufill filial piety. But what do I do when I don’t actually have to do it? When in a way I have no direct obligation towards them? How do I handle and negotiate this? It’s werid but tbh I think issues like this will come up again and again with different people. Especially if I choose to continue with doing art. It just, why do I have to justify that I am a good person. Can you not spare me some attention and just watch me? And if I am not then by your standards, why do I have to change to fit your ideals? Will you then be responsible for my life? Will you then grace me with peace and happiness? This whole thing about me being the only one who will be accountable and responsible for myself my whole life, makes it difficult to rationalise why we feel that we have to subscribe to other people’s expectations and ideals. Why do we still do that? Why do we allow ourselves to be affected by that? It doesn’t make sense when I think about it this way. But also I always enable and perpetuate this way of thinking and living.

Actually, at this point, I don’t even know what I am talking about anymore. But this incident has shaken me up a bit and it’s making me rethink things I have stashed away and avoided. And honestly, I don’t know how to navigate through these things. But I hate feeling guilty, I hate second-guessing, I hate insecurities and I hate anxiousness. It’s very tiring to carry these emotions around or to have them as the undertone of your life. And deep down I feel like it’s not fair, but it’s a choice that I made for myself, even though I can’t quite phantom how to control that yet. It’s scary to realise that agency and your own identity is something that can be so easily taken away from you just because someone else is in a position with more power or money. It is something that needs to be actively groomed and defended fiercely. But why?

Much to think about and I guess we really aren’t as formed up as we thought. Everyone is a messy, fear and ignorance are really very very powerful and destructive states of mind. I must try to avoid this. 

wobuzhidao.

[ink-in-water]

feels when papa snuck out at 2am to the kitchen finding food

父腹

深夜探食，饥不于躯；

脏腑听风，吾穴寒情。

手足丝连，框中素昧；

语过三巡，忆过五味。

[ink-in-water]

I SHOULD BE DOING MY PPT BUT...

So 31st JCRC kinda ended already... or rather it has begun frizzling out...

And I feel so indignant yet proud of Yamz. And so while sending him the AAR, I also dumped my baggage w him in hopes that it’d shed some light on whatever will cloud him now and in the term to come...

I think while there's some constructive stuff, I'm not sure how much of it would be transferable for 32nd!! But it was q reflective for me. (like I'm just sharing as a friend and I dunno if it'll kinda help you in some ways also) I realised that last year was actually q a different climate in hall and definitely the junior ports didn't get as much guidance and support from out of JCRC and I failed to adapt to that? Like I kept trying to comprehend their JCRC journey in reference to mine, but that was quite unfair and not very useful on hindsight; because hall was different I think as an individual I also work v differently from most people and I was blessed w very supportive friends, OG and team. I hope things will be better for you and even though I really respect your tenacity and everything for stepping up again, I think it might be pretty jarring having to navigate hall nowadays?? Since things have definitely changed and residents' expectations and commitments are different. I was complacent in not giving enough importance to that. As a top 4, on hindsight, I think it was a little like blind leading the blind. We had a lot of internal issues and honestly save for JS and maybe HW at the beginning and towards recent months, JCRC was not really our top priority. Also, I felt v guilty for spending time away from my own friends and team due to JCRC and thus I was reluctant to invest time in the 31st until Sem 2. I don't think any of you will act as childishly as I did, but the sense of guilt might be there??? Much as I am not apologetic for that because of self-preservation, I think it did take a toll on how well-supported the junior portfolios were. Also, I believed in serving residents and not so much in taking care of the junior ports as the primary duty of Top 4 as I expected them to all be independent and mature. But I guess with that, a lot of them became scared to ask for help? And the thing I am guilty of was that for most of my 31st journey, I barely trusted most of my JCRC to be accountable or up to tasks, minus a few of them. As your junior port back in 30th, I always felt like you trusted most of us, or else within the top 4 you guys would have worked out some way to "keep tabs" or got a JCRC we were closer to kinda talk to us or smth, and that was rather helpful on hindsight? Moving forward, when you guys hand over to the 33rd, I think it would be super helpful if the top 4 had a top 4 handover beyond the P-P, VP-VP, HGS-HGS, FC-FC handover. Like it didn't occur to me that the Top 4 was more of a team than a delegation-between-4 kinda dynamics until I was talking to Jan towards the end of IH period. And I think if I recognised that earlier, I would have tried to fix things within 4/3 of us much earlier. Because, in all honesty, I think HW did have the heart to be a good P at the beginning of the journey, but the pressure and stuff kinda really hit him (cos who wouldn't be affected). But subsequently the way he responded to these factors kinda accumulated a lot of baggage for me, which is why I would understand his situation but it'd be a while before I can sympathise with 31st Pres HW. For me, I was quite lost as to how to keep things going when that started happening, which was why I also started talking with you more? (and we became friends YAY^^) But ya, it would be really helpful if everyone in Top 4 had the same amount of info on what's expected of them as a whole. Like that will reinforce the idea of working together as a *team* and actually make it possible to do that also. Because when we finally had another top 4 meeting after a sem of hiatus, I think JS and I were super hurt when HW said that Top 4 was just fufiling our on paper jobscope and that we had a strong top 4... But ya, with every new transition we are learning to be the current versions of ourselves w new expectations and demands. So I hope that by sharing with you my reflections it'd help you in your 32nd journey and maybe closure from 30th handover. Cos a small part of me has been worried since AGM last year that you'd take it upon yourself for having handed over to our Top 4?? Which I think is kinda unfair for you!!! So if there's any form of guilt from thoughts of that sort, please dont!!! Because honestly from various perspectives, I think you did the best you can and honestly everything's a bet and where the next batch takes it from there. I should say this ftf or through a letter but I'm taking the easy way out.... Thanks yamz, for coming in to trade part of your youth for the memories of the future batches or JCRC and Sixians. I really look up to how you love the hall and not just the people in hall.

I think I am too headstrong, but then again would I be me any other way? I don’t think so. But as I start to share my life with others, I realise I need to slow down and really be more considerate. Not in the day to day way, but the peel off my shell and glasses way. I need to consciously remember that everyone’s story is different, not just in their tiny idiosyncrasies but maybe in RADICAL-OUT-OF-WHACK ways. And it’s just not fair for me to expect others to cope the same way/rate/+++ as me. (I hate to admit this cos I feel so nasty and mean.)

But really, I think I am too used to being alone. Not alone as in without friends, but alone as in functioning and breathing as an individual of sorts. Like I am not used to feeling like the things I do will impact/affect others because I grew up pretty nuclear and even as I was lucky to have many amazing friends, they never really were the interdependent types or expected our r/s to be of that nature. This is like delayed social puberty WHICH IS SCARY. But I think I really need to deal with this. And (from what I sent Jian Song...)

Like I've been thinking about stuff from AAR haha on and off quite a lot... and I realised my sense of self-preservation in the face of JCRC is super strong LIKE GREAT WALL OF CHINA STRONG:( And it was really kinda compromising for the 31st folks. Like!!! I don't think I would have done it any differently if I were to turn back time tbh cos I wouldn't be able to cope otherwise!!! But still, it's just kinda sad that I realised so many of us gave a year of our uni life to this but I held back so much of myself (like shu and not 31st VP) and now that we PG alr, I just want to let the rest know??? Like I firmly stand by my belief that JCRC is a horrid place to meet people HAHA. (like if you didn't start convos w me about justin I prolly wouldn't have talked anything beyond receipts n money w you HAHA and without hexis I prolly wouldn't have talked to you so much and like person-to-person?? whoopsie)

The immediate litmus test to how much I want to recalibrate this part of myself will be in 2 days WOW. I hope I can put this across to the 31st instead of chickening out or sounding overly-emotional or angry. I really want them to understand this not so that they will think of me differently or what but so that at least they know what happened to part of the time they invested the past AY. Like I feel like I need to acknowledge this and apologise for this? Ok not really apologise for this, because I don’t think this was wrong, because it was the best decision for me at the point of time? But with distance and feedback, I realised that I did some wrong or did not push myself hard enough to be a better person for the rest. And that in itself is something I should acknowledge out of respect for their time and trust?

我有一点（很）乱。

[ink-in-water]

Feelings I have recently

Being so eager and excited to find out more about someone and spending time with that someone; it's like drinking cold water after being in the sun for 1253839440292 hours :")

Feeling so bad and not being able to do anything to change the situation because I feel obliged to perpetuate a system I don't fully understand but seems effective enough; it's like dripping water from wet laundry or something like that:(

Being so tired I'm not sure how or when I fell asleep and venturing so near to forgetting what being rested feels like; feels like pages of faded old text.

Lalalalalalala∼∼∼∼

[ink-in-water]

好久不见！！！！！！！！

I wish I can dragggggggg Chinese words HAHA.

Anyways I think it’s been ages since I’ve written and thus it’s kinda weird but nice that I’m back hehe. I realised recently that I don’t know what I want and even though I feel like I’m doing things it’s just like 走马看花 + 横冲直撞, which is a lot of things and nothing at once hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

It’s kinda scary how I’m actually 21?????? Legal but with none of my life together??? It seems like just yesterday when I thought I’d meet the person I’ll marry by 15 and also figure out what I want to do in life, then by 20 be at the start of reaching my dreams, then 24 get married and 25 have a kid?????????? LIKE WTF HAHAHA that was in lower pri or smth when I thought multiples of fives were good years to make mega life decisions HAHAHA. 

But yeap it kinda sucks to feel like the next few decades of my life (if I even make it) will be stuck in this kind of limbo. The I dunno what is going on now, being close to people without knowing when you might fade off from their life, doing decently then suddenly being just mediocre... like I know this kind of flux is normal but I just can’t keep up??? It’s very confusing when everything changes??? Like till now I feel that sense of anxiety when things change without warning?? Like when I went to shoot at 美世界 then I realised the toilet changed IT SUCKED. I could see all the memories flooding back (ya it’s a toilet but it’s still kinda tender memories) and then it’s the odd feeling like someone snatched your heart for 10 seconds and dressed it w vinegar or something and slipped it back?? It’s quite scary actually????

BUT ANYWAYS. I feel like I can’t justify many things? I can’t see the point behind working hard for strictly personal goals, because WHY DO YOU THINK YOU DESERVE IT? I don’t. It’s weirddddd; like I keep thinking of this woman artist who said， “I know I’m an artist and not an activist, because an activist will use that money to save lives and not make a work.”(she said it more cooly but you gets.) It’s so confusing??? like what sort of nonsense tagline is 你值得拥有??? DO I REALLY??? Like working hard is great and it has this v odd satisfaction like when you press your orchey HAHA. But there’s this quota that always tips over then I feel like... wtf am I doing and what for. 很奇怪leh. 

I want to be ultra optimistic and full of energy again HAHA. But that’s also kinda freaky, but it was really nice too because it felt v exhilarating. Nowadays life is kinda just anchored by moments not episodes or moods??? Like 我跟自己的人生开始产生距离感；有时候刚刚发生的事情也觉得很遥远，身边的人也变得更像人物多过独立人格？

ok byebye

[ink-in-water]

!!!!!

One of the ways I can move forward is to… Finish my first degree Study chi-eng eng-malay translation MA in art history

And help to fill up the gaps in Asian art history. We need more 多语精英 so that the Asian voice can be heard, so that we will No longer be a periphery in the art world, so that our children will know our stories too.

[ink-in-water]

how timely.