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inkdwings · 8 years

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( don’t want to, but) I can’t put anyone else above you

He thinks he has more pairs of socks than he will possibly need even if he is supposed to be staying for a week and even if he will still get to wear a fair amount. It’s still too much when compared to whatever else he packed. The realization leaves him under the impression that deciding to pack on his own instead of allowing mom to do it was a bad idea. It will give him the feeling of independence; I am practically an adult, mom, he insists, rinse and repeat as if saying it a couple more times will make it become an undeniable truth. Eighteen is not the age where he feels high and mighty, he might as well have gone through that stage at sixteen and he knows, it’s precocious because who would ever decide that sixteen is the age for big decisions?

He gets his first tattoo at sixteen - a double one for good measure, as if he needs to make a statement, define what and who he is because no one else will do it for him. Baekhyun is nothing but a bird who is fighting against natural selection and predetermined paths that he refuses to follow. At sixteen he is confused but the world feels limitless and he knows no boundaries. He struggles to be different, he breaks free from an invisible shell and defies every rule that society tries to impose to him. You don’t want to associate with him, he hears and it’s not the first time he hears it as he passes by and yet he has that mocking smirk attached to his thin lips - everyone associates with him in the end and persuasion is not even a thing he exercises often, but if there is something he can play with is curiosity. And everyone is always curious about him.

At sixteen he gets the first warning. At seventeen he spends thirteen hours behind bars - they find something that doesn’t belong to him inside his bag - and for what, he is asked later by his very angry mother. He can’t really reply to that - not without making her even angrier so he keeps to himself. The third time it’s a full day - clubbing, drinking and possibly another one or two things that under aged kids should probably not do. Twenty-four hours of ‘self-reflection’ where he does very little of that but makes sure to catch up on his sleep while he waits for a fuming mother to come and get him but his home room teacher comes instead, ready with a lecture that he ends up saving for another time, perhaps. And maybe it ends up being a force of habit or a very good sense of how to deal with rebellious teenagers but he offers him a deal to which Baekhyun is all ears. No one needs to know he’s been in jail (again) if only he decides to put his ‘talent’ to use and run for the team. “What makes you think I’d be a good runner?” It’s stupid to ask that when the man mentions the fact that he managed to run for miles while stumbling over himself and yes, even drunk he could still overrun every human being on the planet.

He just really likes the fact that someone is going out of their way to attempt to put him in the good path through blackmail because it would be something that Baekhyun would do. He decides to give his teacher the award for teacher of the year. So he runs and he is on the team but he sucks as a team player, he only runs for himself, he doesn’t care about medals and trophies but he keeps collecting them. He only does it because he is bored, because he has too much energy, because he realizes that he needs to focus on something productively good instead of inherently bad. It’s almost as if he is trying to impress someone.

Maybe he is.

There is aggressive whining after he is not fawned over after he mentions a full week in Busan. ‘It’s for the championship, why do you want people to make a fuss over you going away? You’ll be back in 6 days’. “Seven!” he stresses as if they are talking about a year. “You should probably start telling me how you’re going to miss me” ‘You’re annoying though. I could use the silence once in a while.’ “I am personally offended.” ‘Be my guest’ “Flat face!” ‘Said the little child’ “Who is actually your hyung and will probably kick your ass in your sleep” The threat is not very impressive, he reckons ‘If I couldsleep’ “Yeah, regarding that–” ‘No, you’re not sleeping over. You have to pack and rest and you’re way too noisy, I keep thinking you’re going to get into cardiac arrest at any second how are you STILL alive with that thing inside your chest beating THAT fast.’ “want me to tell you a secret?” ‘not really’ but he’ll tell him anyway, Sehun knows he will “It only beats that fast when I’m with you” He breaks into an infectious laugh although he gets a snort from someone who is trying so damn hard not to laugh at the amount of stupidity that comes out of that mouth.

“I’ll text you.” ‘Save it. Just go run and come back later’ “Try not to sleep during math class” ‘Am I you?’ “At least I can still pass math despite sleeping the whole time and don’t need anyone tutoring me” ‘You offered. I just allowed you to talk to me about math for an hour or two’ “Make that five”.

Baekhyun still texts Sehun when he gets to Busan. He is sharing his room with another guy from the track and field team, someone who brings him an extra cup of noodles and asks why he smiles so much whenever his phone buzzes.

His phone dies on the third day and he curses the heavens and all its gods, both his and probably others - he’s probably just too confused to think too much about it. The charger doesn’t work and no one is available to give him the attention he needs. The competition is in two days and he finishes all of his trainings way too fast even though he has nothing productive to do after. They are offered the cleaning duty a.k.a they are told to clean as a way to ‘build character and discipline’ but Baekhyun thinks it’s all bullshit.

He comes out of the shower dripping wet and leaving a trail as he walks around the room in search for the towel he forgot to bring with him. There is a plethora of socks in his bag but he wears the same two things he’s been wearing for the past two days: a pair of navy blue above-the-knee shorts and a black hoodie that gets stuck as he tries to get his head through. It messes his already messy and wet hair. The shade of pink is still a nice contrast that he’s not bored of. That night, news travel fast. He sees people talking with each other sharing what seems to be a piece of information that he has been missing because he decided to arrive later for dinner. He has a good excuse but he doesn’t get to tell it (it’s a lie anyway), but his ears catch a familiar name and he sits down with the tray he picked from the lady across from him. ‘It’s a rumour’ One says ‘No it’s not’, another adds but Baekhyun wants the specifics, except he is being asked things instead and he has no idea how to reply. ‘I heard that she died.’“Who did?” ‘’Sehun’s mom.’ “WHAT?” ‘you didn’t know?’ “How the fuck am I supposed to know, my fucking phone fucking died who told you this shit?” He sees the blinking, yes, there he is, foul mouth, one or two teachers ready to scold him for causing a scene but it’s his coach that drags him out as if he needs to be tamed and outside is the best place for it.

They fill in the details for him even though they would probably not do it for anyone else except everyone knew how Baekhyun and Sehun were practically attached to the hip despite the fact that they were almost three years apart. Baekhyun never mentions ‘dongsaeng’ when he speaks of the younger; friendis always on the tip of his tongue, all hierarchies be damned. And then he realizes that he is a day too late although it’s not his fault and his stupid phone died and he is stuck in training camp with a competition approaching but his head is elsewhere. Someone lets him use the reception’s phone and he dials a familiar number with the urgency of someone who never needed to talk to another so much as at that moment. No one picks up but the call goes straight into voice followed by a polite - and mechanical - voice that offers him the opportunity to leave a message. And then he freezes. He wonders if his silence can still be heard even before he hangs up without a single word uttered.

He wants to say he has this though out - he doesn’t - he wants to say he’s just going to take care of something and he’ll be back in the morning but he won’t. He could lie, but why bother. The dorms are usually left unsupervised at least after the teachers go to sleep in order to obey their own strict curfew. Baekhyun’s bag strap is not at all heavy against his chest, bless his inability to find enough things to fill it with, and he would be too fast even if there was anyone there to try to catch him. He leaves a note on his pillow where he says he’s sorry - he actually means that one.

Trains run until late but he manages to catch the last one. In between looking around the bottom of his bag for a few lost coins and crumpled bills, he now holds the ticket that remains in his hand for the whole three hours that the trip takes him. By the time he leaves the train station, there are no buses running any more and he has no money for a cab so his feet offer him the second best option.

He runs there but he isn’t too tired. His mind ran twice as much as his feet did though in an attempt to figure out what to say. He is supposed to be in Busan, he is not supposed to be back for another four days and yet there he is, standing in front of Sehun’s door at 2AM in the morning, contemplating life choices. He doesn’t want to wake his father up so he goes around, picks a couple of pebbles and tries not to break a window with how he throws them at the glass. Then again, he contemplates breaking something when he hears nothing after the third pebble hits the window frame until he sees the curtains being pushed aside. At 2AM, he doesn’t expect the younger to decide to throw questions at him from his bedroom’s window and Sehun is forever predictable; he comes down, opens the front door and stays there with his hand on its surface. Baekhyun can read the ‘what are you doing here’ on his face although the younger holds the question back. Baekhyun takes a deep breath before his body decides to forget how to do it properly.

‘You’re supposed to be in Busan’ he hears despite the almost whispering tone and the boy’s voice is so hoarse that one could only attribute such a condition to being awaken in the middle of the night. Except Baekhyun knows Sehun probably hasn’t been asleep in a while. “I came back early” truth without explanation ‘It’s 2AM’ the other reasons “I took the last train” another truth ‘what about the training camp?’ “I got bored. They put me on cleaning duty.” ‘You hate cleaning’ a chuckle then “I really do.” Baekhyun blinks once, twice even before he realizes that neither of them has moved from their inicial spots. “I thought I could sleep over tonight. Do you mind?” He asks as he moves forward, walking up to the stairs at last, stopping in front of the taller male. ‘So… no medal this time, huh?’ “Nope. No medal this time.” Sehun chuckles again but Baekhyun takes it as his cue to lean forward, hands pulling what’s left of the male in front of him and height differences be damned, but he wraps his arms around the boy and sighs into their hug.

“I’m sorry I’m late” he whispers, although he knows for a fact that it rings loud and clear in Sehun’s ears as he nods his head. “It’s going to be okay; you are going to be okay, Sehunnie, I promise.” And he keeps whispering, for how long he’s not too sure about, but the wind is getting chilly and his arm is still around the younger and his hand is still buried in his dark hair.

“It’s not your fault.”

#solo; anyone else above you #;headcanon #feat; sehun

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