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Deja Vu

It's funny how shit works out!!! One day you’re here, one day you’re not. I did always wonder where your spirit went once your body decides not to capture it anymore.

Anyways life is volatile, but everything that holds it together is supernatural, beautifully chaotic.

You ever wonder why moments exist. Why there is an exact moment for every single thing in this universe (metauniverses). Why moments exist in that very singularity of time, and the moments that you once knew (cherished) or moments that have not transitioned linger in both past and present!

This chapter in this book focuses in these very moments and how they affect our lives. Also how a moment could differ based on what we choose, but ultimately space and time having the last say.

I use the term Deja vu for certain moment, specifically in my life, in which I have experienced or occurrences! Some people believe that Deja Vu can be explained as a repetitive occurrence, which the mind believes to be a new, but eerily familiar experience. It could be the subtlest detail within that moment. Maybe like a new restaurant you chose, because you’re on hot date with a girl you just met. Maybe the Deja vu moment is something like, you'll both grab for the ketchup at same time, but in back of your mind it seems eerily familiar, and you chop it up as Deja Vu. As if you were re-living that exact moment. Obviously impossible, because of the fact that the components in that moment are brand new: New Date, New Restaurant, and all aspects. It is these moments, I believe are special compared to others discussed. Others being equally important: Present, Past, Future.

So I will get to why Deja Vu moments are particularly special to me and this story. At the same time how illusive they can seem to grasp. In this story, moments like these do exist, and are blatant reminders to me, of ones we lost!

In my experience they were more than foretelling, and border the lines of supernatural.

Growing up, I always had experiences of Deja Vu as kid, but wouldn't think much of it. I assume like everyone else, I chopped it up as repetitiveness; as a kid who pays attention to that kind of shit. I was busy playing ball and fucking around. At the same time they were rare enough occurrences to pay attention too, anyway.

Not like this time in my life, these were consecutive, in timely manner, a week apart, for about two months. Now although it was strange I didn't think much of these events, until the determining event. It was though strange enough for me subconsciously start logging these events and details down. Something inside just told me , I had too. I do now wonder looking back at things, what exactly urged me to write these events down at the time they would occur.

I believe the first moment I cataloged was "IHOP". Me and my shawty Daysha. I'm sure that it was her choice to go out there. It was a nice side of town, but people like us dreamed of living and prospering on.

Instead we were dealt the Hood, and in end I wouldn't trade a thing! Maybe just bring a couple people back.

So that being said, Daysha always liked escaping the Hood every chance she had. I assume that I did not realize it back then, because honestly was just too young and selfish. To think of it probably has to do with moral of story, and traits in life that we should negate from, because frankly life is too short. I was caught up in my own world, and was able to escape the Hood at times through school, Boxing, and my job that I was excited to have.

I was young and had everything in life going for me. So much that I lost track of the people I left behind, or was with in which I took for granted. But this is Life’s lessons. I learned this in the most soul wrenching way.

Back to me and Daysha, I was caught up in bullshit and did not even realize why she would go to places far across town, from where we from. I simply believe she was craving something more, even if it was for short moment. Think about it, maybe she found that in me, found hope in being with me. My energy was more than positive at time. She came from humble beginnings, but was a flashy, charismatic, beautiful Black Queen. I would call her that. I don’t even think she knew I referred to her as such when talking about her to people. I loved her, and she loved me very much!

See, I wasn't a one women man; it was just not in my nature. At this specific time, I did not feel that love for Daysha, that she felt for me, and I would later feel for her. So at the time, the IHOP incident or timeframe, I was an early 20s college student at San Antonio’s Leading and growing University (UTSA).

So, do I really have to say much! I don’t, but I will, and it is a part of the story, and how life has its way in humbling us as human beings. See everything, all these moments’, space in which we embody as matter is interconnected. The choices that we make, and life that we live affects everything, but most importantly the one's we love. This is what this chapter is about.

“A butterfly flaps its wings, causes a Tsunami half way around the world. “.

Now some of these factors you just cannot control.

Going back to butterfly for instance, "Butterfly flaps it's wings" . After the controlled motor function of flapping wings, does not or cannot control the medium of air that subsequently dispels other matter, causing ripple effect, and ultimately leading to catastrophic Tsunami. Now these resulting moments are out of Butterflies’ control, but like stated physically its motor function controls wings, and wings flapped. Naturally a butterfly is going to flap it's wings, because that's what they do, that's survival, it's basic instincts.

Now taking in consideration, Humans and our (wings) active components that most hinder our very survival. In my very own opinion this mechanism would be our ability to make choice. Our deliberate (physical) Conscious or subconscious act; the capacity to make a mental decision to adapt or manipulate our surroundings ‘is human comparison to the Butterfly and flapping of its wings. Having consciously or subconsciously mad a choice, in which you believed by every fiber was the right choice; you flapped your wings naturally.

In Return, these events led up to your “tsunami”. You would then think to yourself, is there something that you could have done differently! Perhaps yes, perhaps not! I promise these analogies and little stories have a point.

I bring these points up to try and allude to the possible meaning and sequential purpose of Déjà vu.

If not at least it gives you an idea of the significance it has had on my life personally, and its place within this story. I’m not at all saying that Déjà vu experience is universal, or a concrete moment like: Past, Present, or Future moments! I merely wanted to give the reader a look into how this story came to be.

Personally, Déjà vu moments, were moments in which I should of made a different choice , but not being aware, I just naturally flapped my wings! Man was I flapping my wings, and didn’t realize who was catching the wind!

Like I said, I was a young college student and everything was looking up from that angle in my life at that moment, or time in my life.

Going back to that moment at IHOP with Daysha on Broadway St. where we had been enjoying time away from the Hood. This particular Déjà vu moment happened to be subtle! Another ketchup scenario, but that exact IHOP I never been too, and a girl that I had never been with. Was this the moment I should of realized my Love for Day was more important than the other 5 women that I was arrogantly dating. Having them invest their time, heart , and emotion while I was only worried about lustful acts. Was that the moment to consider the choices I made and actions I took could affect the ones I lived dearest to me. Hind sight, I should have. I naturally kept flapping, surviving, thriving. Even though this was the first time that I mentally made a point to catalog these déjà vu events, I hardly regarded the eerie experiences. My dumbass kept living with no care in the world. As if Donovan didn’t desperately need my time and attention!

As if, each of these beautiful women didn’t deserve full and attentive love! My thoughts were merely focus on becoming successful.

Honestly that’s always been my mindset , until these mind altering events. Like I said life has its way of making even the strongest men humble.

Other than the lack of regards for others and their tribulations; life was going pretty great for me. I have been attending UTSA for some time now and it couldn’t have been better. I was actually surviving where most couldn’t pass their freshman year. Being a recently separated veteran from the US Army it had been paying for everything. I couldn’t ask for more; the exhausting and hectic lifestyle had finally paid off. Things in life were finally looking good and I had accomplish it all independently.

The feeling was tremendous.

No one in my family from my dad’s side had ever been too college before so I was the first, and it was a big deal. I took it very serious.

It was more than difficult, but just knowing I went to UTSA was gratifying enough. As the old saying goes “the sky was the limit.”

I was starting to come up and draft my own business plans. I encumbered all the confidence in the world.

I also, had to started a new job in my field of study and an Industry I love; The boxing industry!

The company was the main Pro Boxing company in San Antonio and we were responsible for Hosting Canelo Alvarez during his early career against fighters like Floyd Mayweather, Austin Trout, and Erislandra Lara. I barely begun promoting fights during this time, but I had about two years of business management experience with college.

I felt like the right person for the job, just had to prove myself and I had the confidence to do so. Felt as if I was in stoppable in my progress. Just a butterfly flapping its wings. I was in with the CEOs of the company I even got one of my other friends in the game thinking we could do great things and s***, but he just couldn’t get out of the hustle and dope dealing. His name was Boo. Cool motherfuker. Always a straight shooter, he did his time in prison and didn’t rat!!! That’s the main rule in the streets if not the only rule. The one thing my father instilled in us as children growing up! Anyways that’s another chapter!

So pretty much me and boo was doing the damn thing. Partnering with bars and businesses to promote the fighters and guest appearances! I would meet with the bosses and propose what was available when partnering with potential venues! Nigga, Boo was steady on the hustle, shit I was probably slanging too.

I was doing too much to Remember. Full time school, training, full-time work, slanging and the promotions! We was doing our thing! Boo was a natural Hustler, no matter what! I just saw him getting a little volatile, reckless, and pushing heavy weight.

In my mind, my hustle was UTSA; getting that diploma. Cuz, ultimately I always believed education could free a person. So although I was pushing, it was not my main concern anymore. What can you do when it’s all a nigga knows. Amongst all these Progressive moves, my lack of awareness for my family and their tribulations would in return change my life in a way I would have never perceived.

While I’m over here living my life, got my own place, beautiful women left and right and I couldn’t even spare time for my for my baby brother who was obviously suffering!

Now, I was living over here on Dewey Street by San Antonio Community College at the time. Nice cozy place, nothing fancy like before. It was nice, comfortable and most days Daysha was there keeping me company, even when I didn’t want.

All the while my baby brother is having to go to the f****** park to use the restroom and drink water and I’m totally oblivious to this s***, caught up in my egotistical b*******.

See, I was unaware of his situation, once I left for the Army. I left and I guess mentally didn’t want to come back. I love him so much but he was volatile, and liked drinking, so the two didn’t mix. All things seem trivial now. If only I held a sound understanding, and wasn’t caught up in succeeding all f****** time! I don’t believe my brother ever recover from the abandonment that he felt for me leaving for the Army. Ultimately leaving him alone.

I just figured if I joined it would open opportunities for me to take care of my family. I don’t know if he knew this, but mostly urged to succeed for him and my little sis. See when pops did his little stretch in prison, I became the man of the house and I guess that mental obligation stayed towards my brother. Always knew he was capable, would never understood what held him back. Anyways, I could have been more intuitive, an insightful guide instead of trying to leave him to fend for himself. I just figured that he could or was capable of achieving success and living on his own but again I was being selfish and thinking we were similar. My baby brother wasn’t like me.

I just figured that he was capable of achieving things, but again I was being selfish and thinking we were similar my brother was not like me he was more volatile, aggressive, and simpler lifestyle. Somehow he always ended up in some trouble with the law. Most likely cause of the volatility! He’s definitely the most loyal person that I ever met in my life. At this time, he had actually been serving a year and Bexar County Correctional Facility! He was accused of stabbing three to five people and they were trying to send him to up to 20 years for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Actual story was more glorified or honorable on my brother’s behalf, because he had actually been defending a defenseless woman. Yeah he had been roaming in town drinking, as was his normal routine. He always seemed to be getting into Street brawls!

If I could say, Donovan probably had at least 50 fights in the street under his belt. Sometimes more than one or two people at a time and he would actually still walk away the Victor the Victor in the fight. I mean my brother was a fighting machine, and when he had been drinking was especially volatile!

So he had been walking down Goliad Road, and minding his business. That night he decided to walk through the carwash! As he was he came across the woman that that had been pleading for help oh, she was being beaten by her boyfriend while the four of the friends watched and laughed, and cheered as well. I like I said my brother had always stood up for people that were bullied, defenseless or victimized. He also never back down to anyone, no matter how big, how out numbered, or any weapon threat. He just did not give a f***! So naturally when he came up to this situation ; response was simply “hey leave that woman alone”

Well, he definitely saved her in that instant, because now they headedg there focus towards, my brother! All five of them with their intentions to put a heavy beating on him. Being that my little brother, had a baby face, and look young. They probably saw it as an easy opportunity! They did not know that my brother though! The worst thing you can do in a fight, is to under estimate your opponent. That’s what these f****** idiots did! One by one they squared up with Donovan, as each one failed at their cowardly attempts!

When they realize they could not defeat my brother with their bare hands, which outnumbers my brother by five. So they picked up two by fours in started rapidly beating him with them. My brother which was at the beginning trying to defend a woman and now defending or fighting for his own very life! In that moment he pulled out his knife and started going in on them! He punctured the boyfriend in his kidney, and the guy couldn’t jump and run fast enough! He then started going in on the rest of these pussy ass n*****! Just f****** stabbing and slicing anyone who had been there, or close enough! All grown ass men, ran, cried, and screamed as my brother chase them off.

He had been using some of the knife skills I had learned in the US Army that I had taught him during my leave. Use it efficiently and save that woman from danger! Problem was, those people, her boyfriend specifically were connected to a drug cartel, and the woman was so fearful for her life that she would not testify on behalf of my brother, that it was self-defense. To think that my brother, saved her life, and was now being tormented that he was now possibly serving up to 20 years in state prison, could not bring her to testify on his behalf! So because of this, my baby brother spent a year and maximum security on the 6th floor of Bexar County Correctional Facility. This area where he was held during his court hearings, was one of the most dangerous floors in the jail where murderers, aggravated assaults, rapists and child molesters were held. A place simply, where my baby brother did not belong. The worst of the worst, and my baby brother was here for helping and defenseless woman! He had told me some pretty gruesome experience that he encountered while being attained on the 6th floor. He mentioned that he would hear Cries From the cell next to him. It had been a new inmate who was being sexually assaulted by his cellmate! He said it was the worst night ever, having listened to a grown man cry like that.

When I just started to visit him, he looks so happy to see us. As we kept visiting, his moral, and demeanor, as well as facial features changed. As the months passed by his demeanor was becoming morbid, and one of hopelessness. He was facing 20 years in State Prison. It was going on in a year in Bexar County and was awaiting sentencing! All the while he was witnessing, and encountering some of the most volatile, and dangerous criminals and situations Texas worst had to offer. And this aspect, my brother was most honorable, and courageous, and just a warrior in essence.

Donovan had to stand and fight against multiple maximum Prisoners! The Blacks seem to have it out for him. It was multiple instances where they tried to jump him, but like always he stood Against All Odds. He never back down, but this was a different animal, these were hard in maximum security prisoners. Talking six foot six foot three maybe 200 -280 lb of hardened criminal, that had nothing to lose and facing life sentences! Prison is naturally segregated by race, and since my brother didn’t believe in gangs and wouldn’t join any, he was on his own. He was left to defend himself from the onslaught of testosterone crazed criminals.

So every time we would visit him, the disdained facial expressions increased. As well as physical facial features which were different from last visit before.

It was obvious that he was having a fight for his very survival and it showed more and more each time. I could tell, that he would try his hardest to bless us with the smile, but became more seldom as we visited him. Each time we would visit, his bone structure was rearranged from the battles he had fought from that week.

He never did shed one tear out of fear, desperation, or sadness. He simply wore his experiences on his face! And was becoming more obvious to us, that are Donovan Was living through one of the deepest tribulations yet!

It was this character that was to me the most undeterred courage I ever known in person and body! This is why I admired my brother, and always will.

After all the struggles my brother Donovan had to endure, and persevere through, his final Court proceeding was scheduled and his sentence was to be handed! A year overdue, the woman finally decided to testify, after accused boyfriend was arrested on prior warrants! Being that he was now under arrest, she was now free from all previous fears, and compelled to testify on behalf of my brother!

The judge was convinced by her testimony, and dismissed the case, gave him time served. He still had a catch chain at state facility you was ordered to, go from there, he would be released as time served! So he did, and he was finally release! I remember the day like it was yesterday! I was coming from my school at downtown campus UTSA, and I was headed to my grandmother’s, but decided to stop by my church Downtown San Fernando Cathedral!

I was going to just say my daily prayers and head to my grandmother’s afterwards, to do some training; . Hit the bag,my usual routine. So I started to make my way towards Central, heading towards San Fernando’s. I took transit too most places, to avoid traffic, and parking fees!

So I went to church, it was a most beautiful, and historical church of San Antonio Texas. It had been built as part of Spanish missions, and was at the center of the city. Most of its original structure remained, but it was definitely beautiful forsakes of tourists and visitors to the city! It has the most beautiful gold background, for Jesus Christ and portrayal of crucifixion. I would visit the Cathedral, almost daily, as a routine, coming home from school. I would also go to escape the Heat and just find a bit of peace! I prayed for my brother, daily, and if God could help him get past the situation!

This day had been no different. I finished up my prayers, and thanks for blessings, and headed for the bus stop to get to Grandma’s house! I need to add that it was a most beautiful day the Sun was shining it wasn’t too hot it was just right. So as im walkin thru and exiting the courtyard, I came to the crosswalk. As I attempt to cross, I look up for some reason, and I see the most beautiful smile ever. It was my baby brother Donovan, it was astonishing.

Here I was just praying, hoping that everything that he was going through would subside! It was obvious, the Lord has answered my prayers. He had delivered me the best version of my brother, I could have asked for. He was smiling from ear-to-ear! He was sober, and looked as happy as I had ever seen him before. His spirit had change and his demeanor complete opposite of what I have witnessed, all this time visiting him in there! He had a white T on, and some blue jeans! As I looked up, the sun shined directly on him, it was a Divine experience if any.

We immediately hugged each other. I couldn’t believe it! My baby bro was out, and so unexpected. We were expecting a harsh sentence, but obviously God intervenes! He had other plans for D- Boy! Higher- Level plans.

This was an opportunity in which I could have enriched my brother’s Spirit, but being as busy as I was chasing dreams! Of course, relationships for me became near impossible at this time. So hardly spend quality time with him after the fact!

So unfortunately we went back to the same kind of relationship we had similar to before time spent in prison! I was continuing to merely focus on my job at LeijaBattah promotions, and was doing exceptionally well in school.

Daysha and I, were becoming a bit more serious but, I still was essentially a player.

I had also started seeing this Asian woman Kayla, who I had met in Accounting II, and for some strange reason, she was under the impression that I was intelligent. She had asked me to partner up with her on an accounting project maybe it was just a ploy to get at me. Man as cute as she was, no way was I going to say no. So we agreed to meet at UTSA downtown campus, at the library. Got there at around 7 p.m., lingered around library and try to evaluate the project! After chatting and going over some ideas for the project, we decided we were getting kind of hungry!

So I offered to take her to this Mexican restaurant called “ Mi Tierras”, it was a local favorite, more famous for tourist . It was located right in the center Market Square! The family had established and been around since about the same, as San Fernando Cathedral. The Cortez family was a part of San Antonio’s history, and culture.

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