innb33tween

[innb33tween]

About that mission...

I'm going through all this for my kids. After a lifetime of abuse, things are so clear. I have to save them from this. I lost them because I didn't figure it out in time. I acted horribly just trying to keep it all together. I lost my mind with the fear of losing everything... and I lost everything. It's not all me, though. My abuser takes the cake. I didn't realize they have "smear campaigns". There isn't help where I was. So, I'm going to get it. But it's over 200 miles away. I could walk it. 10 miles a day makes it 20 days. Not with holey shoes though. Or without food. Or an infection that could either go into my eye, or down into my heart and lungs. I'm too scared to do anything. I don't want the cops to show up and ruin my mission. Don't get me wrong. I'm coming back, and I'll take my consequences. But I have to help my babies first. It has to go in that order. If it goes the other way, things will get spun as fast as the cover up, and I'm not playing that shit. You would have gotten away with it if you had left my kids alone. Wrong move. You tried to take me out so many times. SO MANY! But I keep coming back. I'm going through HELL for my babies! What have you done lately? I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Even if it means hunger and pain and cold and fear. Even if.... This silence has been a gift. So much has become so clear! And I'm putting it out there. There's NO MORE silence on this end. You're done shutting me up. No more threats. You don't scare me anymore. I see you for the monster you are. And MONSTERS AREN'T REAL!! BYE!!

I'm not sure when I'll be able to post again. Either I'm hitching a ride or using my legs. As long as I'm alive, you'll hear my story. Just give me time.

[innb33tween]

Homeless. Disconnected. Broke. Hungry. Cold. Tired. Alone(except the pooch). Lost. Confused. Suicidal. Angry. Dirty. In Pain - jaw(need medical care. ER discharged me BC there's no one to watch the pup {SD(NES), but lately IDK what to call her because she's had to stop people from trying to sneak up on me(I've had stalkers), in the dark, or try to get into my "tent" at night), foot, neck, sternum(fractured in July), upper back, legs, chest, head. I'm always in pain. I'm on meds that are slowly dwindling. 10 yrs on a narcotic for my pain, and I have a few days left. Oh well. I'll figure it out. I've heard withdrawal sucks. I'm just scared of the pain. I carry the essentials around everywhere I go. I leave my sleeping gear where I'm staying the night, but in constant fear of it being stolen. I mean, I'll "survive" without it, but it'll be hell. The nights are cold. But I can't carry everything all day. I'm not strong enough, and it hurts. We're both hungry. We've been surviving off a 24-hr food cupboard at the church where I can sometimes get a shower. I got one today after a week. Then, there were crackers and PB&J, so I ate. And I felt SO much better. We've both lost weight. The skin on my belly is saggy. Is that what getting old is, or will it go away with time? I've heard it's from dropping weight too quickly. Whoops. We average 10 miles a day, sometimes with only a can of veggies to eat. Even when we have more, it's not enough. I'm always hungry. But there's a big difference between being so hungry that you're not sure if you're legs will make it any further, and you're going to drop or just being grumpy because you want a chinese buffet, taco bell, a triple berry frosty from Wendy's, a reg chicken sandwich from BK, a vanilla and a strawberry shake from Mcd's(both large) and an ice cream cone, PLUS - to dine in a NICE restaurant with melt-in-your-mouth steak, home fries, free refills and frozen margarita, and dessert(S)! Before getting a shower and food, I wanted to stab my pocket knife into my wrist and stain the ground red with anger. Now, I'm still hungry, but not suicidal. The night before, I walked around praying someone would look at me and just offer me food. I wish people saw what I needed when they looked at me. I'm just "that homeless girl with the "vicious" dog." Also, I was sweaty, and I smelled. That's what I hated. I felt like everyone who looked at me could see how filthy I felt. I hate that my self-worth depends on these things. That's probably because most of the constant adults in my life never wanted me to have any. It makes it easier to control, manipulate, and abuse you. You don't fight back as much. You don't tell because you think that no one else cares. But I told. And told and told and told and told and told and told and told.... And now, I'm "missing". I left. I packed up what I could carry and started walking. I made it a little ways south, to another town I'm sort of familiar with and learning quickly. A map and a heavy bag teach quickly. I cannot access my FB, Gmail, I have no phone, no money, no bank account, no resources, no one to lean on. I have a pair of jeans, leggings, capris, shorts, a shirt, a tank top, an under shirt, 3 pairs of socks, 3 bras, flip-flops, and shoes that have a hole(and stink). The blister sucks. I have 3 hoodies. And all of it is filthy. I have a blanket, a tarp, and a shower curtain to try to keep warm. I use a poncho, too. I have a towel and wash cloth and soap, conditioner, tooth paste, tooth brush, and some misc hygiene products. I have a small propane tank, can opener, spoon, fork, knife, cup, and aluminum can. I have a bat. I have a few other things, too. I still have a working Fitbit. That's life. I have a power bank. Headphones for music at the library because music is life for me, and I miss it so much. But, I've dropped a lot. Carry your shit around for a while, and you'll learn what's important or essential. But I'm on a mission.....