inner-dialogues

[inner-dialogues]

People who are both beautiful and smart make me uncomfortable.

[inner-dialogues]

It’s easy to get really stressed and anxious and worn out. Don’t let your situation get the upper hand- take a deep breath and just know that you can do it!

[inner-dialogues]

I'm genetically inferior, and I hate it.

I am so tired of feeling like this. I just want to get it out of my system.

This might be such a shallow thing to talk about but I know I'm not the only one who could possibly feel like this, especially when you see an assortment of beautiful people everyday with impeccable hair, legs, facial features, hands, feet, skin, and the list goes on.

I just graduated high school and having graduated with the highest honors, I still don't *feel* accomplished because of this thing I unconsciously forced upon myself that I should have. I may be the best in something academically, but I don't turn heads. It's unfair really, because it's something I can't really help outside of drastic measures. And I don't know why I keep on beating myself up for it.

If a gorgeous girl says something mildly intelligent, she is praised as a genius. People favor smart and pretty girls. I'm not very pretty, so you can imagine where this is going.

In high school, I remember being the person people run to for homework help and test answers, never the one whom they would want to hang out with or be seen with in public. I was invisible to guys. Never the one they'd talk about being so 'pretty', or being the object of one's infatuation. I figured I'd miss out on those things in high school because they weren't as important as my education. Or so I thought.

Then I read articles about how attractive people get more connections, more job opportunities, or even higher salaries just because, well, they're exterior looks better. You might be even more qualified for the job, but if you don't look as good as that slim, tall, and gorgeous girl, you're going to have to step down and accept that she's going to get the position because well, she looks better. It pisses me off that something out of my control could very well determine if I'm successful in life or not. And then there's competent AND beautiful people. I'm not as scared of beautiful people as much as I'm scared of them, this elite group of people blessed with both. They are people who can beat me at both, and I know they exist. I sound so resentful, but this is just how I think. I treat people politely, it's just that I'm super competitive. Don't get me wrong, there are probably people like them who are also not assholes and are super nice to everyone and that makes me all the more furious.

Anyway, they are the kind of people whom I would probably have an irrational hate for, and at the same time, have a seething desire to emulate.

Then there's beautiful, smart, AND wealthy people. I know of one such person, although not personally. She got everything good handed to her at birth, I could only imagine what kind of life she would have right now, (she's in college).

This is not one of my best thought processes, I have to admit. Some part of me says that being attractive isn't everything, but some part of me goes awry and reminds me of every single thing that could have been improved by my genes, like the fact that I have extremely unwomanly hands, feet and fingers, and toes. And legs. I should have dainty, tapering hands, but instead I got squarish palms with stubby digits, and feet almost twice the width of my idea of what normal lady feet look like. I also have flat feet. I also have a big, manly nose. I feel like I could have done better, but it isn't like grades where I could do better the next time. I can't undo what some random gene combination set out for how I'll look like. And frankly, it frustrates me to no end.

I try to ignore it on most days, and sometimes, it gets better.

But sometimes, it consumes me endlessly.

\End of Rant