innerchild-precious-emotions

[innerchild-precious-emotions]

I wouldnt say false perception.

It was just this person’s life perception .

But

Did her perception is made outta outside?

Or inside?

Or both?

If this child born in healthy family, different country, would this person have same perception?

I’m just playing this game and my mind is fluid…

Every thoughts, beliefs, changes with my experiences in the reality with my emotions.

Everything is fluid .

Fluid… take it in

All

But we humans r reactive af and forgetful.

Fuck this game sucks

Unknown shit

Fuck it

Just go w the flow

But

So far

I know is

People’s opinion is just opinion

But when it comes to my loved ones, which i gave full trust, it hurts.

People can think whatever they think, and if i don’t react to the ‘new opinion’ about me, their words become the truth.

Eh… life… think whatever…

Emotions are powerful!

Love and hate.

Or medium,

It flows

Now i accept

Haha

I just need to be confident whatever… other people treat me

[innerchild-precious-emotions]

I become detach from everyone . . .

I gain so much power from people, never forget this love.

My definition of love was unhealthy for this world we are living in, i had extremely malleable mind.

Interacting random people at random places, i believe how every individual treat me define my self-worth.

Why and where and how i developed this false sense of self.

People are powerful but i have to learn how to control .

Now i am learning how to detach from people, not lean on but enough to support and get love from…

Life seems alone but not really, just realizing how powerful i can be.

The more detach the more i become in myself…

At public places i just want to be a npc. My perception of world view keep changes,

I don’t take anything personal, i will love myself and just be in this physical meat responding random npc’s narrative

[innerchild-precious-emotions]

Let's find inner child

who am i ?

where i started?

I remember the compliment my mum gave me.

i was 3, after the spa on sundays, i ate cucumber, which kid's normally don't like. i was very happy that i got compliment.

another compliment from mum, it was our apartment living room, she was sitting on the kitchen with her friend, they were eating mandarin, she gave me and i ate it. She complimented me. i was very happy.

That's my earliest memory.

Sorrow?

[innerchild-precious-emotions]

6th grade .

Cyworld just has begun ... internet world was invaded her brain instead of physical world.

Why? physical world where she was at was horrible for her, nowhere to express her expressions.

Background music / photo / words was everything to prove my personality .

What 12 years old wants?

All my memories were deleted but i'll try to put onto words .

6th grade, the last year of the elementary school.

I liked a boy. he was short but he got cute smile, he wasn't show off, but he was hanging out with attractive boys,

actually 4th grade one of attractive boy was called on my home phone (when no mobile) one day. He was with his friends, one of his friend asked,

K: Is S is at home? (normally our parent took the phone so it was polite procedure for phone call )

S: yes.. its me.. S... who iz this... ( i was really really shy when it comes to boys.. probably i really scared of dad so any male i felt so uncomfortable)

K: uh i'm k... uh H said he likes u!

S: uh,... okay...

K:(background chatter the boys are screaming with excitement and heard H's voice on the background 'I like you S!' ) ok u and S is day 1 from today!

and i hung up the phone and i couldn't handle this ... 'love' emotions.

Just full of shivering . couldn't handle. even though all classmates girls secretly liked him!

Anyway... i had to go to school tomorrow.

And i remember the excitement... and shyness that i brought ... and i even couldn't look at the boys ... those boys were so hyped and excited. and K who was H's friend asked me with huge excitement.

K: ' did u pick up the phone yesterday?'

AND I WAS SO shy so i had to lie.

S: No i didn't... what r u talking about.

K: (was so confused ) oh ok...

I denied the fact ! that the boy H confess me to liked me !

BECAUSE I WAS SO SHY TO ACCEPT HIS ATTENTION even though i liked him!!!

FUCK HOW SHY I WAS. that butterfly feeling was too much for her.

so what happened?

I pretend nothing happened and i dissociate... fuck

i must hurted that beautiful, attractive boy H.. sorry darlin... u r attractive anyway so u can date any kinda girls right? i sound toxic the fuck out. damn.

YES i was insecure af . - probably made from people's jealousy towards to me.

JM and i had louder voice, i wasn't really get along with last HJ but i became really close with first HJ, she was listening, caring, i probably talk a lot and leading relationship with her. Remember after school, her house was closer, she had lil swings at her home and 1 younger brother?

still remember we used to sing this song at playground swings,,, : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFLzlb2Wr8w

yes. internet was really being weird around early 2000. affecting child's brain... lol

I wasn't much talking or expressive. I resent to everything outside of the world. lol

But i had a huge personality about what i like and what i think it is good. Probably i saw so many things on the internet.

My emotions made outta internet - the real world for her was so cruel, she could feel fear in the reality, her escape and safe world was on the internet and music.

I made a group when i was 4th grade.

Me, JM,HJ, and another HJ. And we were in same class. We even try to made our group's name and i come up with...

' what about darkness?'

i was playing online game called 'roiworld' and it has angel, with beautifully described, i tried to find for hours, data was deleted. but those images really affected my brain.

My brain stopped. i'll come back

[innerchild-precious-emotions]

background sad info

How worth am i in this world, all outside proof was everything... inner value didn't really matter to them. She doesn't even recognise she got a personality, just chaos inside and outside, reality was out of control.

She was very shy... her family didn't let her speak up, even if she did, they devalued her and made fun of her. She never had chance to acknowledged her worth. Her voices become smaller and less confident, but it was the best her could do to survive in that reality where she lived in,

low class, abusive, uneducated, violent city growing up as small girl and no one. no society, no legal system was protecting her. She tried to get help, and the reality replied with more abuse.

She was repressed.

All she could do was shut her mouth up and move to better reality...

She tried study, didn't work for her... she didn't realise she got dissociation problem. she developed attention deficit disorder by her parenting style which her mum forced her to non stop study since age 6. . .

When she is going to have develop her inner world when outside world throwing her endless homework that made her stress the fuck out . She just sat. and couldn't concentrate. But if that little girl didn't do whatever adults wanted to do, she got punished.

Punishment was greater than compliments .

She started questioning her life, asked help, only uneducated humans replied to her and let her down.

Do not blame her

She could do her best to survive.

Shut her mouth up and become submissive to protect herself.

Lack of sleep entire her teens. due to dad's abuse at nights.

Entire education system. deleted her soul and personality and she became a robot . . .

[innerchild-precious-emotions]

precious memories of my teens . . .

This Beautiful kid !

totally distorted with bully's memories, but now i can see those drama chat people will be forever regardless of the age, group...

I'll just do my own shit... I gave so many power 2 people anyway , now i can say it is coming from the domestic abuse.

Acquaintances any negative words of me instantly linked with my domestic abuse, so my body & brain felt = those people punched my face . The fact is they told me few words of individual's thoughts...

gave so much power to every individual which is impossible to please everyone in this world

!

!

!!! fuck .

where this weakness mind even started from ?

i let go all this fragile mind giving power to everyone's word ...

I declare all my power and worth is coming from inside of my thoughts and my emotions and my choices .

Now I release my childhood distorted memories, and rewrite with beautiful pure emotions of mine .

In order to do so ...

my early teens memory should be loved ...