innerkittenthoughts

[innerkittenthoughts]

Not permanent, the throw away friend. Someone people talk to until they're denied the sweet nectar. Pollen deprived bees, who move onto another flower.

[innerkittenthoughts]

You never needed to apologize, you never needed to contact me at all if I'm meant to be left in the past in the first place. If you never gave a fuck about me in the first place it was never for me to know.

I don't care if you need closure if it affects my peace in the first place. You can't grow a garden in dead soil, but I can still bury bodies there.

[innerkittenthoughts]

"you're the type who will sit and listen to everyone's stupid problems" comes off like, 'you're so desperate to have friends you'll do anything.'

You'll stop being yourself to make friends. . .

Yeah I know. But it doesn't hurt any less

[innerkittenthoughts]

Thee mental health is bad today.

Today is cancelled....

[innerkittenthoughts]

You know it's kinda awful realizing that I seek sex as a source of mental validation. Depression is the worst... And sex is a way to turn off that feeling for a bit. I have no desire for it other than for a source of good brain feels. . .

Needless to say "I hate it here" is an understatement.

I've been lying to myself all along.

(don't get me wrong I am attracted to many folks... But attraction comes in various forms)

Ignore me I'm dealing in an existential crisis

[innerkittenthoughts]

Him "we're going to sleep!"

Me "The fuck we are, I'm not sleeping"

Him "get your ass over here and lay down"

Me "I'm not sleeping!"

Him "oh you are! Get over here, lay down"

Me "... Oh are we gonna cuddle?"

He laughed at me for like 5 minutes... Like bitch just lay down! And grabbed me like shut up we sleep now.

[innerkittenthoughts]

Glockenspiel

[innerkittenthoughts]

"you want a piece of me? I'll serve you the whole pie!"

[innerkittenthoughts]

So I can't fall asleep on an empty stomach. But I also compensated not eating cuz I feel like starving myself with sleep.

Make it make sense.

[innerkittenthoughts]

Nothing feels real, but does it matter? Does any of it matter? It seems never ending, but like does it matter!?

[innerkittenthoughts]

You know I just realized something. I can only go to bed hungry when I'm depressed, I wonder why that is

[innerkittenthoughts]

In the end it's who wants to actually help make your life better that matters.

Those who tell you it'll be fine when your world is falling apart.

Because you can trust them to tell you that and mean it.

[innerkittenthoughts]

He says "you're so good and I can't even remember something so simple. You're so nice to me all the time, & I can't reciprocate."

I tell him "it's no big deal not to beat himself up over it, I'm forgiving." But it's not enough to make a difference if his memory sucks.

I adore him despite it all. I can't help it. Even through it all my life is better because of him.

[innerkittenthoughts]

You ever feel like 'fuck I don't wanna do this living thing anymore'

..... Yeah me too.

[innerkittenthoughts]

She says I don't love you in a conventional way. I love you like someone loves their God. Like someone that admires something that is impossible to grasp. The idea of loving something deeper than that isn't something I can figure out.

[innerkittenthoughts]

Tears are like fire burning me during daylight hours and like the bitter ice freezing me after dusk.

I just really don't wanna be here crying again at work. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to yearn for the things that are unobtainable or not possible. I'm just so sad all the time lately& I just want it to stop.

[innerkittenthoughts]

I am empty. A soul just simply attached to the bone. Don't know if I want to be on this plane of existence anymore.

I know I'm just tired and depressed.