innermostthoughts

[innermostthoughts]

am i even living? or am i just trying to get through every day?

[innermostthoughts]

sunday feels

I loved him so much that I had to learn to let him go. He will always be my favorite chapter of my life. I've grown and changed so much and I can't help but thank him for everything.

i'll always love you.

Yours always

pb

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Be so fucking proud of yourself for passing the hardest moments alone while everyone believed you were fine.

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universe,

i’m sorry. i’m trying to better myself, but it’s so hard when you keep throwing curveballs at me 🧎🏼‍♀️

[innermostthoughts]

it’s such a beautiful feeling to feel & be wanted. surrounded by a group of people who have nothing but so much unconditional love for each other

i wish i could be here forever

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today’s the big day! i’m so grateful for the endless amount of love sent my way this morning & i just gave to remember if i think positively, good things will happen.

i’m so happy to say i’m pretty confident for how my day will go even a little anxious. but very happy it’s almost all over

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no, because don’t even text me asking why we aren’t friends anymore. did y’all fr not think that my friends at MY party wouldn’t tell me what y’all said about me?

“she’ll never know what it’s like to be us”

no i won’t know what it’s like to be you, but at the same time it goes both ways. the minute you can’t do something in a class you drop it and change your major completely. you don’t pay for your education, your parents do. you get into a car accident and get a brand new car and claim to pay your insurance! okay when i ask how much, you telling me that you don’t know is a real red flag. you don’t have to work a job while in school so i don’t even want to hear it 😭

you on the other hand work FT at a restaurant to help make money. okay and i work at the hospital to get closer to whatever it is i’m trying to work for. working at a restaurant is a dead end job so don’t even talk to me about working. you don’t even go to school & what you did go to school for you seem to have no interest in pursing it.

everything i have, was EARNED. we are not and NEVER will be the same.

i fucking hate y’all fake ass bitches

[innermostthoughts]

there isn’t a single doubt in my head that he’s my person. he always has been & always will be.

and i will forever stand by that statement

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i miss when my boyfriend used to practically be living at my house, eating all my food and all we’d do is sleep and watch tv

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sleeping on his side of the bed tonight

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Its going to hurt me a lot more then i think it will when you leave. words will never be able to express how much im going to miss you and all of the validations we give each other. but who knows, maybe with working enough and going to school 4.5 months will absolutely fly by

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there's something really amazing about you and our friendship. despite everything that we have been through you have never once stopped to tell me what i needed to hear even if i didn't want to. i will never be able to express how grateful i am for you

K

the little things really change every thing. the validation i feel right now. i am so truly blessed to be surrounded by such loving people, because no matter how far they are, i still feel it

[innermostthoughts]

the sneaky little “i love you” between kisses just hits different 🥴

[innermostthoughts]

self reminder 5//11/22:

to say i sat in the church and cried for almost an hour if not more is an understatement. for the first time in a really long time i’ve sat down and prayed for myself. normally when i go to church i think about everyone else before me. i wish for all my loved ones to be set on the right path or be guided when they tell me they’re in need. i wished for their pain to find an outlet so they can move on. but importantly for the first time in an extremely long time i have cried for my inner child. all the loss and pain she has faced and will continue to face as time moves on because that’s life, people live and people die. all the arguments she will continue to avoid because of everything her parents went through. i cried for myself and all the mental battles i’ve constantly faced throughout these past few years, in sight of never thinking for one moment i would ever make it past 16 years old. i begged for a sign to help show me the right direction for the future, a chance to do well in school for one more day. i begged for forgiveness for all the mistakes i have made throughout my life and continue to make in the future. crying for the ability to forgive myself and the others around me to put everything down and move on. most importantly i have cried for the ability to let go. let go of things that i never once had control over nor will ever have control over. i prayed for whoever’s up there to keep guiding me through the struggles i will continue to face as each day passes. it won’t get any easier but i do believe in time this won’t matter anymore.

[innermostthoughts]

Dear future me: 

i know for a fact sooner or later you’ll need this a lot more than you would like to admit. i know that lately there has been a lot of bad things going on and it’s all going to blow up on you because you have yet to talk to anyone about it and truth be told distracting yourself can only take you so far. it’s okay to talk about. i know you often feel like you’ll burden someone when you talk to them, but let me remind you of this! if they really do care they won’t mind listening and being there for you. i promise. i know that there’s new reasonings for self sabotage, new reasonings to feel disappointed in the most recent outcome that you’ve faced, the stress of being out of school for almost a whole week with exams coming up and dead lines literally running at you. the overthinking lately is probably killing you and everything else on top of that. there’s so much more i can say about the things stacking on you but its important for you to know what they are so that you know your limits. 

i know right now you’re most likely in your head saying things along the lines of: 

“I ruin everything”

“what’s the point anymore” 

“i’m tired” / “i’m tired of feeling like this” 

“i’m a horrible person, i deserve this” 

“maybe everyone is better off without me” 

i swear to you this isn’t the truth and that you’ve touched so many people. please do not let the self sabotage win, you are better then this and you are stronger then this. i know you’ll be able to pull through it.

so on that note-

it’s okay not to be okay. i know you’ve always waited for someone to tell you that, and just in case no one does, i’l tell you myself. you have to remember to SLOW DOWN. some of the things going on you have absolutely no control over, and certain other things you just gotta take on. just not all at once. as a person there’s only so much that you’ll be able to handle before you break down and get tired. there’s nothing wrong with it! everyone has a different limit and once you reach yours relax. i’m sure things are extremely stressful but you have people who are willing to sit down and talk to you when you need it. please don’t be afraid to reach out to someone, because being alone will never be the answer for you. 

do me another favor? stop overthinking and self sabotaging. all throughout your life you were always compared to someone else whether it was your parents comparing you to your cousin(s) or your friends comparing you to whoever for whatever stupid reason it was. you should be your own biggest fan! there are so many good things you have going for you, and i can promise you this one thing. you are a good person with a good heart. changing takes time and yet on top of everything you still manage to slowly unlearn your toxic habits, yes you have your set backs but who doesn't? in a weird way it’s like a little baby learning how to walk. they fall multiple times, which would be your setbacks, but eventually in time they get it. and that’s how it has to be sometimes. not only that but don’t forget to prioritize yourself. just because you always feel like the second option doesn’t mean you have to be a second option to yourself. I know that right now it might be really hard but your someone’s first option please don’t convince yourself otherwise. 

On that same note i want you to trust the process. i know how hard it can be to focus on the good. life works in funny ways. everything happens for a reason and some journeys will take longer then others. always remember that no matter what will happen in this crazy life you will end up where you belong and right in this moment, as i write this, i have no doubts about that. I know some day we’ll be proud of the person we are becoming. right now it may feel impossible but we’ll get there.

keep your head up, keep going and moving forward. there are bigger and better things for you out there. you support others, and some support you but it’s also your turn to support yourself. 

always, 

your past self.

[innermostthoughts]

he makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world. truly blessed to be surrounded and loved by the most amazing person.

[innermostthoughts]

i want to better myself. for me and for him.