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Moved

Well, as of yesterday, I'm completely moved but won't be moved in until the beginning of the month. Found out that I can't rely on the help I ask for from others because life happens, they cancel or forget, or they never respond. My love and I were able to get it done ahead of schedule though and for that, we are proud. After clearing out everything from the ex's house, I think it finally hit them that I wouldn't be around for them to torture any longer. They were moody, rude, and all around not helpful. I tried to remain cordial for no other reason than to show who the adult was in our situation. It worked almost all too well! Now to start a new life with someone who loves me in a place I'm familiar with among friends and family. Just need to make it through "he'll week" at work first.

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Paranoia

Today has been one of my days off cycling through moods. I've been worried about everything. Did I cause this to happen? What's going through their heads about me? If I choose this, how will that affect my future? These aren't random questions but thoughts I've had all day. I'm paranoid that consequences of my actions will catch up to me when I least expect it. Right now, things are good for me and my love. We've been seeing each other for four months today and have a place to live out of this smaller town we're currently in, meaning I'm moving back home to the city I'm from. I just spent an entire week with my child without having to fight too much with the ex to make it happen. My job gave me the go ahead to enter a training program so I can advance further in my career. So it's been good. However, today has been full of doubt. How does the move affect my divorce? Why hasn't my love come to spends time with me now that my child is back with the ex? What will happen if the house falls through early on us? I know the doubt is just in my head but it doesn't ease my mood any no matter how much I try to ignore it. It's like my brain is trying to sabotage my good run of life right now, reminding me that it's not always good and something bad will happen. I'm convincing myself that bad will only happen if I keep these thoughts in my brain. I don't want to break things or turn then against me. I just need to try and keep positive and push through this cycle until the next one hits. Please world, don't price my brain right this time. Let these pieces fall the way I how they will.

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Home

So I recently found out that I'm moving back to where I came from before the marriage and I'm a bit mixed about it. It's been four years since I was living there last. I'm excited because I will be able to see my friends and family more often. But I'm also scared because I don't know how this will affect my chances and relations with my child. To me, it's worth the risk to move back because I can transfer my job and advance more. Not to mention, I can have my child around family they have hardly spent time with in their first three years. My love is behind this 100% as well, seeing it as a great opportunity for the both of us. Yet, here I am in the middle of the night wide awake because I'm worried about how this will affect my divorce and what this will all mean. I'm not sure of things right now which has my anxiety flaring up. If things work out the way I'm hoping, then I have nothing to fear. But my brain always prepares for the worst and I feel like I'm losing everything. I just want to shut things off so I can sleep more but I spent the day making preparations for this move at the end of the month. I still have a lot to do before I can move and my love has even more to deal with as they have to find a new job, move away from family and friends they've known, and start over with me in an environment that I'm not even sure I'm ready to go back to. They will see me in a new light and, once this divorce is final, I'll be completely stress free hopefully. I just want my life to move on in a positive direction. We've discussed how we're both in this for the long haul and we can see a future together. I get worried that they'll get frustrated with something I say or do and leave me but I'm thinking as positive as I can because I know it's just my brain fighting against me like it has my entire life. I can't wait to be back where I feel I belong.

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Torn

I have been patient and understanding throughout the process of the divorce I'm going through, however, my ex seems to think it's a good idea to drag things out or change their mind about things we already agreed on. Now, against both of our initial ideals, lawyers need to get involved because they changed how they want custody. On top of the divorce issues, my SO seems to think they are a better parent than I am because I go easy on my 3 year old. In some aspects, I see their point, but there are some things I try to explain to them on why I do things the way I do but I don't think it carries through. I debate with my child to train them that it's alright to not agree with the way of the world all the time. They can question authority without feeling guilty about it because there's no shame in free thinking. I don't always follow through with threats because it's difficult but I have been working on it. I hate disciplining my child because my parents abused me and it started as spanking. The last thing I'm torn about is the possibility of moving back to the city I came from. A probable opening at a friend's dad's house is coming up but that would mean moving away from here where my child has been raised. It could even mean giving up custody all together. My SO is all about moving and changing careers. It would bring me closer to my family and old friends that I haven't spent nearly as much time as I used to. It's a lot to think about.

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And so it begins...

It seems every time I have my child with me, which isn’t often enough in my eyes, my lover gets upset because I can’t focus all of my attention on them. Today, they said it would be best to spend a few days a week apart from each other to “strengthen” our relationship. I cam see how that helps to a point but we’re two and a half months together and I feel like this is the beginning of the end where we see each other less and less, talk less and less, and eventually not at all. I really don't like the idea of spending less time together because, as people get closer, they tend to spend MORE time together in my experience. Then again, my experiences have left me alone every time so I'm not the best judge on how things should work. It hurts me to think that I’m losing them because I have my kid. I love them both dearly and I feel like I'm getting torn apart. If it came down to it though, I would choose my child every time.

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Trying

Today was tough from start to finish. I almost died in a car accident this morning with a semi that I nearly missed rushing to best a light. Barely got anything done at work as well. All while thinking how critical the next week is for myself and my interest. We are trying to get pregnant and preparing as best as we can for it. It is ovulation week starting today. However, they were in the mood and offered to be put in the mood with some coaxing. Clumsy me accidently scratched them and that shut it down for the night. Afterwards, however, if I even touched them, they would shrug my hand away like I was disgusting or not on the approved list. This hurt horrendously. I was being rejected by my lover's subconscious while they slept. What does that say about when they're awake? I really hope I'm reading into this too much because we are a solid couple and I see great things from this. But this act is hard to overlook as well. Now, as insomnia from anxiety rears its ugly head, I'm awake when I should be sleeping next to them. I'm on here pouring my thoughts out because I have no other escape for them right now. I feel stupid, useless, ugly, unwanted, and alone. I know these feelings are just the anxiety making sure that I remember it but I wish it would go away so I can enjoy this week of trying instead of trying to get through another week. This should be a happy, fun time but my brain is turning against me making things far worse for the both of us. I'm just afraid I'll be alone again before too long if things in my life don't fall into place at the right times.

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Trying

It’s been a little bit since my last update. Since that time, my divorce hasn’t gone anywhere yet. I see my child seldomly as well. However, my love life is explosive. My lover and I have decided to try to start our own clan. It’s frustrating though because symptoms have shown pointing to success and then the dreaded time of month comes and shuts down hope for the time being.

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New Meds

It's been a little bit since my last update. Things are going well for me. I have a new love in my life and we're attempting to expand our family. Divorce is almost finalized and my ex is almost out of my personal life. I even changed a few major things in my life to start fresh, like swapping phone companies. The latest thing I did was ask for another med to hopefully help stabilize me. Lately, I've been experiencing fits of hypermania, which is causing me to wake up at all hours of the night thinking I'm oversleeping. I'm overly emotional as well, getting jealous over nothing, expressing affection every thirty seconds, not wanting to leave my lover's side. I talked to my doctor today about some of my symptoms and got Welbutrin to go along with my Abilify hoping that helps calm the beast inside. We'll see how things react over the next month.

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Tough Day

Today was especially tough when dealing with the divorce and being bipolar. I miss my interest, who is on their last week of training out of state. I also miss my child, who I got to see for a little bit after work when I went to pay my part of daycare. I miss my child so much that I almost started to cry when I was holing them. I went to my car and almost lost it again realizing I am not able to take them home with me yet. I love my child and my interest so dearly and feel alone and abandoned right now. I know they would both be with me right now if they could, but that isn't the case. I'm waiting to hear from my ex when I can spend another evening with my child again. My heart hurts.

[inputstupidnamehere]

Valentine's Day

So, I am currently in a relationship with my interest which makes me happy. It’s only been a few days since we decided to make a go of things and seems to be off to a great start… until today.

Because my interest is out of state training, we have been constantly on the phone or video chatting to make time go by faster as we only get to spend time together on the weekends. I decided to make plans with my child for Valentine’s Day and everything seemed good, until the ex asked me for another favor because they can’t afford their lifestyle, let alone one which includes having someone else relying on them because they are really too young to fend for themselves. I vented some of my frustrations while on the phone with my interested but today was definitely not the day to do it. Our conversation turned cold and I apologized because I realized my error. Somehow, though, I dread our next conversation because I worry that I may slip again causing another rift where there should be new hope. I only wish I could take it back but am motivating myself to remedy things in such a fresh relationship.

[inputstupidnamehere]

New Places, New Faces

I was forced to move from the house I was buying due to the divorce. Because my spouse has a spending issue, I wasn’t able to save up to get my own place. My friends were gracious to allow me to move into a spare room in their crowded house until I can get money saved to get my own place. My best guess will be around two months. My interest is apparently getting themselves a new roommate as well, which they don’t seem too excited about. I jokingly said they could move in with me when I get my own place and they were super excited. To be honest, I’m also very excited by this. They’re great with my child, they’re loving, and a welcome face when I come home from work is always a good thing. The possibilities with this person are endless as far as I can see. I just hope they see it the same way. We spoke about feelings yesterday, how we both want to be sure of what we really feel or if our brains are just creating these emotions as a reaction to attention. I can honestly say that I'm falling for them. I can bring myself to kiss them let alone tell them what I feel because I don't want to crowd them or force their hand too quickly. I think I'll say something tonight to see what kind of reaction I get though. Might even make a move or two and see where things go from there.

[inputstupidnamehere]

Disappearing Act

It's been rough lately. Things keep going up and down for me. Every time I feel life is going in the right direction, things turn around and bit me in the ass. The worst part about it is that the bad things don't correlate with the good, but they affect my mood on everything. My friends all tell me I should spend time alone grieving my marriage but I feel like I've done that for the last two years, when things changed and I was no longer happy. I have realized that I settled which I shouldn't have done, but I did and now I'm dealing with the consequences. I'm thinking of breaking away for a week from social media and texting. I told one friend that which seemed to set off a long barrage of guilt tripping and anger but I feel like I need to do this for me. If I could just find myself in a week, I'm sure my mood would improve quite a bit. I'm more worried about my love interest getting upset that I'm planning on something like this

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Too Nice

I've recently been told that I am too nice in all aspects of my life. I'm being too nice to my spouse in this divorce. I'm too nice to an ex for continuing to talk to them. I'm too nice with a friend who vents to me about their significant other. I've decided they're right to point this out and will go full blown asshole. I'm tired of the friend zone. I'm tired of being walked on. I'm tired of watching everything I want in life taken away or walking away on their own. I will be more assertive in life. I'll quit holding back on what I really want to say. I'll start taking life by the horns. It's not the "new year, new you" but rather a change in my life philosophy. Think I'll start with the person I'm interested in first and see where it takes me from there.

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Inner Tormoil

If you've been keeping up on my blog, you would know that there is someone I really like and am falling for. It was slow at first then all of the sudden. Recently, however, they have become distant. My paranoia is telling me that I did something to cause this even though they suffer from anxiety and depression as well. I just feel like I cane on too strong too fast. But I feel that if I back off, I will be forgotten. This is not how I wanted to start out this new year. I wanted this to be the year I rediscover true happiness with someone. Instead, it's starting to look like I will end up turning on myself again. If there is a higher power out there in control of everything, I want them to help give me direction in my life. Until then, I struggle on. #fuckanxiety #thestruggleisreal

[inputstupidnamehere]

High Hopes

My spouse spent the day with their lawyer preparing the final steps of the divorce. After talking with my lawyer, it sounds like we will be heading for a hearing to finalize custody at least. I refuse to lie down and hand over our child to someone who is never home. And my spouse says it's because they are uncomfortable with having me in the house. I would be out by now if I wasn't paying 95% of the bills to keep things going for our child. In other news, I've been talking with someone since this whole thing got dropped in my lap. They see things from my perspective. We have been getting closer as time goes on. However, it would seem our nerves get in our way as we haven't taken any major steps towards companionship. I've come close but then my BPD kicks into high gear and I get shy. We then go to our homes and talk to each other about what we thought about doing instead of acting on it. It makes me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not the only one thinking this way. Their birthday is coming up next week and I might move things along then, however they have other obligations they want to get over prior to starting anything serious with anyone, which I get. I can be as patient as they need me to be and I'm hoping they stay patient with me long enough to be ready to take things forward. I just hope I don't wait too long.

[inputstupidnamehere]

New Year

Well, it's officially a new year. I was planning on getting through this year in better shape than I ended the last one. However, I received my divorce papers in the mail and found my spouse is trying to not only take my child from me but also claim child support and alimony. These are not terms we agreed to. I wanted this to go better. I didn't want to have to go to court. Now, I am left without a choice. They're reasoning on why I am not fit for full custody is that I'm bipolar. I'm medicated to help stabilize myself and I know they work because I'm a raging ball of fury inside but keeping calm on the surface. I'm screaming inside when I want to be flailing about. This hurt worse than the actual announcement. I still have strong feelings for my spouse but they have shifted from a desire to work this out to wanting to bury them in court now. This year I will be more driven, by my anger when it's needed and by the love of my child the rest of the time. I just hope my spouse understands not only what they are putting me and our child through but the war they just created for themselves. #bipolargoals

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Packing

Today is hitting me hard. I called in because I was depressed when I woke up. No clue why I hit a downswing but I've hit it hard. Took the kid to daycare to have the house to myself for a little while. Then, I decided to start packing since I'll be the one moving out of the house we bought together. As I'm going through drawers and shelves to place objects that have a sacred meaning to me, I get hit with another wave of depression. I never thought I'd be packing things up ever again. I tried to reach out to a few friends just to hear a friendly voice, but no one wants to take a few minutes out of their busy lives to help me in my dark times. All I get are texts, which I find to be impersonal when I need comfort. I get it though. I know I'm no longer the center of anyone's universe other than my kid's. That doesn't mean that I don't matter though, right? I'm still capable of feeling things right? I guess I'll just muscle through this alone like I have so many times in the past.