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placing here for prosterity xoxo

thanks, i think

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i have to say people who write nsfw on main are braver than the marines. i have to start fanning myself like a 1400's noblewoman whenever i think about ever discussing bug penis in a clinical manner on main. it feels like i'm walking into a family reunion and dropping bug dick on the dinner table. all this to say hi i'm cress and my drafts have 72 nsfw headcanons that i cannot bear to throw into the world. instead i can give you guys the most terrifying headcanons of all

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my hockey boys didn't win but corey perry looked like he had fun and thats all that matters

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AS FOR HOW NOLAND HANDLES THE SELF-SURGERIES?

1/4 masochism and a simple 'love of the craft';

1/4 ungodly amounts of veterinary-grade local anaesthetic;

1/4 the strongest non-opiate painkillers you can get prescribed;

and 1/4 adderall ( or other amphetamines! ) that he's absolutely having to source through some real sketchy avenues.

Throw that all next to a cup of coffee and he can grit his teeth through it.

He's not at all squeamish with blood, and he does throw down a tarp under the table in case of any 'spillage', but he does inevitably end every session with blood in places he didn't know possible. Having his little surgical theatre in the centre of an open home means he always ends up puzzled when he finds a bit of his own blood on one of the cupboards or by his desk.

As for how he'd get the blood for these surgeries, given that there's no avoiding the fact that he's losing blood from his procedures? For starters, he fears that due to the alterations made to his body, that the 'stealing blood bags' route wouldn't be the best idea, should his body react negatively to it - so he... ah, takes care of it himself. He's made it a ritual to bleed himself into canning jars throughout the weeks leading up to his monthly surgical exploration, and when you see him hunched over the stove with a bunch of mason jars he's... not preserving any tasty treats, sorry to say. He's not in a sterile environment with better means to store blood, so canning is the next best thing. "Just... ignore those jars in the back of the fridge."

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step one of treating any wound is sticking your finger right in there

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ON BUGS AS...

FRIENDS?

Not quite. As much as Noland feels a kinship with his insectoid brethren, he does view himself as distinct from them. While he doesn't consider himself the same as any ordinary human, he also doesn't consider himself to be an ordinary bug either — he's got human level intelligence, after all.

( Indeed, he considers himself superior to all insects – and humans! – proclaiming himself as the ideal life form, as a fusion of the two... )

He isn't squeamish with them, and he will find himself occasionally talking at the odd boxelder bug or June beetle that finds its way in his cabin, before picking it up to set outside ; or drowning it in ethanol and shoving in his fridge if he thinks its a fascinating enough specimen for him to pin. He'll talk at them the same way you might jokingly speak with a dog as if they were a human — sorry to intrude, young man, but I do believe you're trespassing upon my countertop! — as he pushes open the window to flick whatever bug outside. Mosquitoes get squished, and almost everything else gets shooed out.

While Noland can read insect signals and behaviors better than most, this is less due to his own insectoid nature and more due to his history as an entomologist. He can't pick up any special pheromones, nor can he read their minds or hear the subsonic chirps they may communicate with. There's little in the way of bug-to-bugman communication.

Insects aren't kept as pets — he's far too busy to focus on that! Every so often he'll have a little breeding lineage going on if he's trying to extract some very specific genes or cell cultures, but when his project is over? He's preserving dormant eggs in the back of his fridge and letting the rest free ; or he's turning the rest into...

FOOD?

Snacks rather than meals, but yes. While prettier bugs are often spared from becoming a tasty treat, Noland doesn't mind plucking more common bugs off the windowsill as opposed to shooing them outside. He avoids his insectivorous tendencies in polite company, at least! Eaten raw and on inpulse, they aren't a mainstay of his diet ; invertebrate snacks aren't something that Noland particularly goes out of his way for. They're snacks of opportunity! When he's in the midst of his studies and some silverfish pulls up on him, and he doesn't feel like interrupting his work to go chuck it into the woods? That's a tasty bug treat right there.

Besides, for an insect of Noland's size and caloric requirements, the effort required for them to be a particularly important part of his diet is too vast for it to be worth it.

( He does, however, consume roughly the same amount of protein as an active bodybuilder, thanks to his snacking tendencies! )

Bugs don't clock Noland as a hunter or a predatory insect ; griffinflies aren't particularly known for lingering long enough for any scent to be noticeable as a predatory warning, and besides, how many modern day insects would be familiar with the scent of a bug that hasn't been seen in 300 million years?

Indeed, most insects are unable to tell that Noland, too, is a bug — and as such, make no particularly noticeable effort to approach nor avoid him. He's treated the same as any other human.

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He's ordered delivery.

The website says it's an estimated time of 20 minutes. It has been 25.

The website does not know that his address has not had vehicle access in over twenty years, and requires a 15 minute uphill hike on a wooded trail.

Noland knows this -- but Noland, being a bug, does not care about the inconvenience he is handing to the driver, and has decided to order in anyways.

His phone buzzes. It's the driver asking him come down the trail because they aren't walking this much for an alleged cash tip. I selected deliver to the door, Noland answers. The driver is lost. Noland is pizza-less. Neither of them are happy. The driver has sent him a photo of his food left on a small boulder along the side of the trail. Noland's falling to his hands and knees on his cabin's porch. The driver didn't even leave his dips with the pizza.

1 star review.

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link to original

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Hm. Maybe this is some quirk of Kanwafan culture that he's yet to learn? It's enough to prompt a baffled pause in Noland's note taking, that's for sure. As similar as the two of them may be in physiology, he sometimes doubts if what's between Ciel's ears actually functions! "You speak as if it's just a casual thing that happens on the regular to you? I--" Don't try to argue it, Noland.

"I'm knocking over your cup-sand-castle in this hypothetical. I acknowledge no monarchy."

"When I ask for a glass of water and someone hands me a glass full of sand, I turn it over, make a sand castle, and pretend I'm king."

open

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Noland's complexion is, in part, described as sickly, and a glance at him that looks little past that would show a man who is plenty ill -- Noland, however, is in about as good of health as one can get for a man of his... uniqueness.

In truth, where his skin looks most pallid -- where the fat and muscle is thinnest, where the bones practically press right up against his skin -- is actually a result of something that he's termed as 'chitin encapsulation'.

Something he views as just a "peculiar yet harmless quirk of the insectoid-mammalian form", his body isn't quite fully sure how to use the chitin he produces sometimes... nor is it quite sure what to do with his bones, bugs don't have bones! And so, a thin layer of chitin deposit has formed around the external layer of his bones, meaning that his skeleton carries a sheen not too dissimilar to that of his exoskeleton, blue-ish purple-ish iridescence. While the iridescence is most certainly not visible when his skeleton is, ah, where it belongs, that base colouration is still able to subtly show through the thinnest parts of his skin, lending him towards a sickly-seeming glow.

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hey for all like five of you who know of my other men. i have added a little treat.

tl;dr i do not have it in me to do a full multi-muse nor do i have it in me to do separate blogs per muse, BUT every so often i get The Itch to play with my other boys? they're only really going to be around for plotted stuff and not so much meta/hc posting. they have absolutely zero relation to noland in any way and are mostly just like... guest muses??? shrugs! they're there!

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For decades, the cabin that Noland lives in was an old park ranger's cabin -- and for a while, it acted as a public access cabin for weary hikers who needed shelter from the elements. Nowadays, of course, this is a private domicile upon private property -- but every few months he does get someone come by who hasn't gotten the memo, or who anticipated sheltering in that cabin on a multi-day hike, knocking on his door to seek shelter...

And I feel like this has a lot of potential for interactions... because frankly, if it's storming hard enough out, or the snow outside is deep enough, or it's someone who seems genuinely lost? He will hesitantly allow them shelter for the night -- just hand over your phone for the time being so you can't try to sneak a photo of his buggy features, and make sure you plan better next time so this doesn't happen again!

Anyways all this to say hiiiii please come pester Noland at 11 at night because your muse got lost on the trails and needs shelter... wake this bug up by knocking on his door and deal with the consequences of a grumpy Noland who was having SUCH a good sleep...

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i wish there was a way to have an autopsy that didnt kill u. i think it would be so cathartic

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SHED YOUR SKIN — BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY? IT'S STILL THE SAME OLD YOU!

ind. semi-sel. fandomless original character — penned by cresselia, 23.

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PROMPTS FOR PATCHING UP WOUNDS *  assorted dialogue, adjust as necessary

it's honestly nothing. i can deal with it myself.

next time something like this happens, you have to promise to tell me.

you're making a big deal out of nothing. i'll be fine.

how long have you had that?

i'm good at this, you know. patching up wounds.

would you cut it out? i'm trying to help you.

why didn't you tell me you were bleeding?

you didn't have to take that hit for me.

what are you hiding from me?

it's not the worst injury i've ever seen, but it's pretty bad.

how long were you going to hide this from me?

at least let me look at it.

there. it looks much better.

this will help with the pain.

i'm forever in your debt.

i didn't have anywhere else to go.

this wasn't supposed to happen.

is that your blood?

i've patched up nastier wounds than this.

stop squirming! you're going to be fine!

this is bad. this is really bad.

i just need a band-aid and a nap. i'll be fine.

we need to get you to a hospital.

how does it look? be honest.

keep your eyes open, okay? keep looking at me.

it doesn't hurt that bad.

give me your hand. let me look at it.

who taught you how to patch a wound like that?

it's not as bad as i thought it would be, that's for sure.

would you just let me help you? please?

you saved my life.

let me go find my first aid kit. it's in here somewhere.

i'll take care of it. you just sit and rest.

see? that wasn't so bad after all.

i've seen worse.

take two of these and drink some water.

ow! that really hurt!

i've got you, okay? everything's going to be fine.

you're gonna have to take your shirt off.

well... it could have been worse.

it looks worse than it really is, i swear.

roll up your sleeve a little, will you?

does that feel all right?

i didn't even realize i was bleeding.

you could have been killed out there!

give me a second to patch this up.

don't close your eyes. you hear me? stay with me.

i'm not giving up on you just yet.

you still need some time to heal.

i'm right here. i won't leave your side.

thank you for taking care of me.

if you can still hear me, help is on the way!

just squeeze my hand when it starts hurting.

how long have i been out?

let me check for a fever.

did you patch this up?

i've had worse injuries than this.

where did you learn to do that?

take some deep breaths for me.

look at me. you're going to be fine.

hold still! stop moving around so much!

i'll take care of you.

what the hell were you thinking?

where does it hurt?

i'm so used to doing this myself.

lift up your shirt a little so i can see.

lay back down. you're not healed up yet.

you never should have put yourself in harm's way like that.

looks like i've got myself a really good nurse.

will you stay with me while i sleep?

no one's ever helped me like that before.

i would have died had it not been for you.

don't you get it? if you don't let me help you, you'll die.

we have to be quick about this.

this could get bad.

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A wistful sigh passes his lips as his spoon clinks against the inside of his cup of coffee -- he's exhausted!

"I don't think people understand how much work it is to be a single parent."

Especially when you're a childless 27 year old man. Who currently looks closer to 67. And when the 'child' in question is a little gray weevil scuttling around on the side of your mug. "Look at him. I haven't even be able to teach him how to read or write yet. I don't think I can enrol him in school either, I doubt they'd accommodate him."

"A strain on the budget, too... do you know how expensive it is, having to buy three pairs of bug-sized shoes?"

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pros of dating noland: he will bring you on a bug themed date to his little sunning pond :)

cons of dating noland: