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insession-io · 3 years ago

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Breathwork is about being able to control how you breathe and it has many health benefits for your mind and body.

But what exactly is is breathwork? Is it the same as meditation? How do they differ, and what benefits do you get from breathwork? Let’s find out!

What Is Breathwork?

Alicia Barmon, LCPC, C-IAYT, SEP, specializes in Breathwork for trauma. When searching for breathwork near me Practice Breathwork is the breathing community you have been looking for. Alicia also provides Somatic Practices and Psychotherapy at Ahimsa Therapy in Frederick Maryland. Although her services are offered primarily in the virtual space, Alicia also has a physical sacred space in Frederick Maryland, please inquire.

While breathwork has become more popular in recent times, it is not a new concept. There’s a growing breathing community that has existed for thousands of years and has its origin in yoga practice. The basic idea behind this breathing exercise is to help release stress and toxins from your body when you exhale and nourish your mind.

Practicing breathwork leaves you feeling relaxed and energized. People engage in breathwork for several reasons. They include:

Positive self-development

Boosting immunity

Processing emotions and healing emotional trauma and pain

Developing life skills

Developing self-awareness

Enriching creativity

Improving personal and professional relationships

Increasing self-image, confidence, and self-esteem

Overcoming addictions

Releasing negative emotions

Is Breathwork the Same as Meditation?

Breathing is an integral part of most meditation sessions.

But breathwork and meditation are not the same. Instead, breathwork is an alternative technique, especially for people who struggle to sit and concentrate on their thoughts. It is a form of active meditation that involves using breathing practices to alter your mood or mental state.

Meditation focuses on present moment awareness while seeking to generate a more settled and focused mind. Additionally, breathwork exercises seek to influence the autonomic nervous system by changing the amount of air that is inhaled and exhaled It is sometimes argued that breathwork is more effective than meditation. First, however, it is essential to consider why you want either of the two and go for the one that best meets your needs.

What Are the Different Types of Breathwork?

There are different ways you can practice breathwork. While some are basic and can be done at home, others require the help of a breathing expert. Below are some of the breathwork techniques you can try.

Deep Abdominal Breathing

This technique involves taking a long, deep breath. While breathing, visualize your breath filling your body. As a result, your belly and chest expand when you inhale. When you exhale, your chest relaxes, and your navel pulls inward toward your spine. Doing this signals your body to relax and release stress.

4-7-8 Breathing

During this technique, you count seconds as you breathe in and out to focus your mind. Here’s how the process works: inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds, and exhale for eight seconds. If you exhale longer than eight seconds, it helps you completely clear your lungs.

Alternate Nostril Breathing

Start with using your right thumb to apply pressure to your right nostril. Next, breathe in using your left nostril, and hold your breath while switching sides. Then, release your right thumb and use your right index finger to apply pressure to the left nostril while exhaling through the right nostril. Afterward, pause, take a deep breath, and then alternate again. This breathwork technique helps create balance in your mind and body.

Breath of Fire

Breath of fire is a more advanced breathwork technique. When you breathe in, your abdominal muscles relax. Conversely, you engage your core to help push air out of your body when you breathe out. This technique requires a bit more work than the others. But once achieved, it provides a sense of steadiness.

Holotropic Breathwork

If you choose this technique, it would be best to have an experienced instructor guide you. Holotropic breathwork helps to achieve a continuous inhale and exhale pattern without pausing. Doing this floods your body with oxygen and renews your cells.

Is Breathwork Safe?

Ringing in your ears

Irregular heartbeat

Dizziness

Tingling in your arms, hands, arms, feet, or legs

Muscle spasms

Change in vision from lack of oxygen

It’s best to consult a professional for advice if you notice any of these symptoms.

What Are the Benefits of Breathwork?

There are physical and emotional benefits when you practice breathwork. Below are the physical advantages:

It Alkalizes Your Blood’s pH: Respiratory alkalosis results from the physiological changes seen during sustained and rhythmic breathing. It causes a shift in the pH that follows hyperventilation. So, when you take faster breaths, you get rid of more CO2 and shift your body towards a higher alkaline pH.

It Increases Muscle Tone: When blood alkalizes, calcium ions floating in it go into hiding. The calcium ion then binds onto large proteins in the body called albumin. Consequently, you experience smooth muscle contractions and increased muscle tone.

It Improves Blood Pressure and Circulation: breathwork is beneficial to people with high blood pressure and improves blood circulation. This is mainly for people dealing with stress.

Other physical benefits of breathwork are more time in deep sleep, reduced PTSD and anxiety, and a better immune system. The emotional advantages are:

Less depression and anxiety

Better mental focus

Decrease in addictive behaviors

Allows emotional scars to heal

Better outlook on life

Contentment and joy

Final Thoughts on Breathwork.

To achieve both, work with a professional counselor. When searching for breathwork professionals near you, look for Alicia Barmon, LCPC, C-IAYT, SEP, a Yoga Therapist, Experiencing Somatic Practitioner, and Adjunct Faculty at the Maryland University of Integrative Health to assist you.

Alicia is interested in helping you land in a peaceful place in this chaotic world while uncovering new possibilities to help you face challenges in life.

Start your free breathwork class today.

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insession-io · 3 years ago

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Why Perfectionism Stops Us from Creating New Habits

When we decide to create a new habit — exercise, healthy eating, meditation, writing — we can get excited and optimistic, and have an idea of how it will go perfectly.

This is such a hopeful time! Unfortunately, reality has other plans.

Our perfect idea of how our new habit will go is pretty much never how it actually goes. We might do really well for a few days or even a couple of weeks, but inevitably we’ll miss a day or two because of tiredness, busyness, sickness, visitors, forgetting, etc. And then things get derailed, because of our perfect idea of how we hoped the habit would go.

This is one of the main obstacles to forming habits. Our hopeful idea of how it will go, and then our disappointment and frustration with ourselves when it doesn’t go that way.

The idea that we should be super consistent and perfect in our habit attempts … it derails us.

Here’s what typically happens:

We think, “I’m going to start doing X everyday!” Then our minds get excited and we start imagining how it will go, and how it’s going to make our lives better and make us a better person.

We start trying to doing X every day.

The reality doesn’t match the imagination in some way: doing X is not as fun as we thought it would be, or we miss a couple of days, or we repeatedly miss a couple of days.

We get frustrated by the way things are going. We are disappointed in ourselves. We’re discouraged. We eventually quit and our self-image gets hurt.

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You can see from this sequence that the problem isn’t missing a couple of days — it’s the expectation or fantasy that we had about how it will go, and the resulting disappointment, frustration and discouragement that has us quit and feel bad about ourselves.

The problem isn’t the reality, it’s the expectation that things will go a certain way.

How could we find a different way?

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Reality-Based Habit Change

What if we simply said, “Let me try to bring a daily ritual of doing X into my life, and be curious about what it will be like”?

So there doesn’t have to be a fantasy that it will go perfectly or brilliantly. We don’t know how it will be. But we can bring an intention to do it, and a curiosity about what that will be like.

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Then we start doing it. We miss a day, but this is not a cause for discouragement. It’s a cause for curiosity — what got in the way? What would it be like to start again today?

Each day becomes a lovely place of learning.

Then “successful” days and “failure” days are not really binary results of success/failure, but instead a rich place of curiosity and learning.

What would that be like for you?

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How to Get More Committed to Yourself

While it is easy to show up to appointments we make with other people … I’ve noticed that most people struggle with commitments they make with themselves.

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If you say you’re going to exercise, meditate, write, journal, work on a project … but then you don’t stick to that commitment … it can feel like you’re letting yourself down.

We start to form the mental habit of letting ourselves off the hook, so that we don’t trust ourselves to stick to our own commitments, if other people aren’t involved. This creates a belief that we aren’t as important to ourselves as other people are.

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I’m not saying we’re terrible people for doing this, or even wrong. It’s just how it goes for most of us, and it’s good to notice.

So what can we do about this? How can we start to stick to commitments to ourselves?

I’m going to lay out some things I’ve found to be important.

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To Start: Get Curious About What’s Going On

Before we try to shift anything, it’s important to really get curious about what’s there. We try to change things about ourselves from a place of judgment, wanting to get rid of what’s bad, rather than really trying to understand ourselves.

So start by noticing, when you don’t show up for yourself, what’s going on? What are you feeling in that moment? What are your thoughts? Instead of judging and turning away from all of this, can you turn towards it and try to really see yourself?

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Could you start to accept these feelings and thoughts as a part of the amazing human being that you are?

Could you let go of judgment and just be with the feelings and fears, and not need them to go away?

From this place of acceptance and love, we can start to explore other possibilities.

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Some Steps to Start to Get More Committed to Yourself

So what can we try that’s different?

Here are some things I’ve found useful:

Make a date with yourself. I have a Zen sewing teacher, helping me with a sewing project that I often put off, over and over. He tells me to make a date with myself: put it on the calendar. And it works! I encourage you to be serious about this date, and not take it lightly.

Ask yourself if you really want to. Zen teacher Norman Fischer says that the process of committing yourself to morning meditation starts the night before: ask yourself if you really want to do it. If you say Yes, then ask again: “Are you sure?” If you say No, then take it off your calendar and sleep in. But if you really want to do it, then really commit yourself, because it’s important to you.

Treat it as sacred. As I said, don’t treat it lightly — we often treat our commitments to ourselves as something that don’t matter, that can be pushed back without consequence. But what if this were a sacred appointment? Something elevated beyond the ordinary, that we treat as really important to us? Something that is a way to honor ourselves and our best intentions? Something that we’ll even enjoy!

Honor what shows up, and honor yourself. As you approach your date with yourself, you might feel resistance. Fear or uncertainty. A desire to put it off, or to treat it with less importance. Honor that — really turn towards it and let yourself feel it, like it’s an important feeling. But also honor yourself — can you see that showing up for yourself is also important?

Bring a sense of curiosity, play, appreciation. This doesn’t have to be a white-knuckle experience, where you force yourself to do something you don’t want to do. It can be a place of curiosity, where you let yourself explore and play and learn. It can be a place of joy, of appreciation for yourself and for the activity. Can you find out what that might be like for yourself?

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I’d love to hear more about what you discover as you practice with all of this, and start to honor how important you are to yourself.

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insession-io · 3 years ago

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Anxiety Treatment & Anxiety Disorder

Anxiety Disorder

Occasional anxiety is an expected part of life. You might feel anxious when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or before making an important decision. But anxiety disorders involve more than temporary worry or fear. For a person with an anxiety disorder, the anxiety does not go away and can get worse over time. The symptoms can interfere with daily activities such as job performance, school work, and relationships. There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and various phobia-related disorders.

Signs and Symptoms

Generalized Anxiety DisorderPeople with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) display excessive anxiety or worry, most days for at least 6 months, about a number of things such as personal health, work, social interactions, and everyday routine life circumstances. The fear and anxiety can cause significant problems in areas of their life, such as social interactions, school, and work. Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms include:

Feeling restless, wound-up, or on-edge

Being easily fatigued

Having difficulty concentrating; mind going blank

Being irritable

Having muscle tension

Difficulty controlling feelings of worry

Having sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, restlessness, or unsatisfying sleep

Panic DisorderPeople with panic disorder have recurrent unexpected panic attacks. Panic attacks are sudden periods of intense fear that come on quickly and reach their peak within minutes. Attacks can occur unexpectedly or can be brought on by a trigger, such as a feared object or situation. During a panic attack, people may experience:

Heart palpitations, a pounding heartbeat, or an accelerated heart rate

Sweating

Trembling or shaking

Sensations of shortness of breath, smothering, or choking

Feelings of impending doom

Feelings of being out of control

People with panic disorder often worry about when the next attack will happen and actively try to prevent future attacks by avoiding places, situations, or behaviors they associate with panic attacks. Worry about panic attacks, and the effort spent trying to avoid attacks, cause significant problems in various areas of the person’s life, including the development of agoraphobia (see below).Phobia-related disordersA phobia is an intense fear of—or aversion to—specific objects or situations. Although it can be realistic to be anxious in some circumstances, the fear people with phobias feel is out of proportion to the actual danger caused by the situation or object. People with a phobia:

May have an irrational or excessive worry about encountering the feared object or situation

Take active steps to avoid the feared object or situation

Experience immediate intense anxiety upon encountering the feared object or situation

Endure unavoidable objects and situations with intense anxiety

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There are several types of phobias and phobia-related disorders: Specific Phobias (sometimes called simple phobias): As the name suggests, people who have a specific phobia have an intense fear of, or feel intense anxiety about, specific types of objects or situations. Some examples of specific phobias include the fear of:

Flying

Heights

Specific animals, such as spiders, dogs, or snakes

Receiving injections

Blood

Social anxiety disorder (previously called social phobia): People with social anxiety disorder have a general intense fear of, or anxiety toward, social or performance situations. They worry that actions or behaviors associated with their anxiety will be negatively evaluated by others, leading them to feel embarrassed. This worry often causes people with social anxiety to avoid social situations. Social anxiety disorder can manifest in a range of situations, such as within the workplace or the school environment. Agoraphobia: People with agoraphobia have an intense fear of two or more of the following situations:

Using public transportation

Being in open spaces

Being in enclosed spaces

Standing in line or being in a crowd

Being outside of the home alone

People with agoraphobia often avoid these situations, in part, because they think being able to leave might be difficult or impossible in the event they have panic-like reactions or other embarrassing symptoms. In the most severe form of agoraphobia, an individual can become housebound. Separation

anxiety disorder

: Separation anxiety is often thought of as something that only children deal with; however, adults can also be diagnosed with separation anxiety disorder. People who have separation anxiety disorder have fears about being parted from people to whom they are attached. They often worry that some sort of harm or something untoward will happen to their attachment figures while they are separated. This fear leads them to avoid being separated from their attachment figures and to avoid being alone. People with separation anxiety may have nightmares about being separated from attachment figures or experience physical symptoms when separation occurs or is anticipated.

Risk Factors for Anxiety Disorder

Researchers are finding that both genetic and environmental factors contribute to the risk of developing an anxiety disorder. Although the risk factors for each type of anxiety disorder can vary, some general risk factors for all types of anxiety disorders include: Temperamental traits of shyness or behavioral inhibition in childhood Exposure to stressful and negative life or environmental events in early childhood or adulthood A history of anxiety or other mental illnesses in biological relatives Some physical health conditions, such as thyroid problems or heart arrhythmias, or caffeine or other substances/medications, can produce or aggravate anxiety symptoms; a physical health examination is helpful in the evaluation of a possible anxiety disorder.

Anxiety Treatment and Therapy

Anxiety disorders are generally treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both. There are many ways to

treat anxiety

and people should work with their specialist to choose the treatment that is best for them.PsychotherapyPsychotherapy or “talk therapy” can help people with anxiety disorders. To be effective, psychotherapy must be directed at the person’s specific anxieties and tailored to his or her needs.Cognitive Behavioral TherapyCognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an example of one type of psychotherapy that can help people with

anxiety treatment

. It teaches people different ways of thinking, behaving, and reacting to anxiety-producing and fearful objects and situations. CBT can also help people learn and practice social skills, which is vital for treating social anxiety disorder. Cognitive therapy and exposure therapy are two CBT methods that are often used, together or by themselves, to treat social anxiety disorder. Cognitive therapy focuses on identifying, challenging, and then neutralizing unhelpful or distorted thoughts underlying anxiety disorders. Exposure therapy focuses on confronting the fears underlying an anxiety disorder to help people engage in activities they have been avoiding. Exposure therapy is sometimes used along with relaxation exercises and/or imagery. CBT can be conducted individually or with a group of people who have similar difficulties. Often “homework” is assigned for participants to complete between sessions.Support GroupsSome people with anxiety disorders might benefit from joining a self-help or support group and sharing their problems and achievements with others to aid in

anxiety treatment

. Internet chat rooms might also be useful, but any advice received over the internet should be used with caution, as Internet acquaintances have usually never seen each other and what has helped one person is not necessarily what is best for another. You should always check with your specialist before following any treatment advice found on the internet. Talking with a trusted friend or member of the clergy can also provide support, but it is not necessarily a sufficient alternative to care from a health professional.Stress Management Techniques

Anxiety treatment

using stress management techniques and meditation can help people with anxiety disorders calm themselves and may enhance the effects of therapy. Research suggests that aerobic exercise can help some people manage their anxiety; however, exercise should not take the place of standard care and more research is needed.

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insession-io · 4 years ago

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What Is Postpartum Depression? Getting Help in Couples Therapy Boca Raton

Shortly after she gave birth to her son last May, Meghan Reddick, 36, began to struggle with depression. "The second I had a chance where I wasn't holding [my son], I would go to my room and cry," says Reddick, who lives with her son and husband. "And I probably couldn't count how many hours a day I cried."

Reddick is among the many women who suffer from depression during pregnancy and after childbirth.

"There's this kind of myth that women couldn't possibly be depressed during pregnancy, [that] this is such a happy time," says Jennifer Payne, a psychiatrist and the director of the Women's Mood Disorders Center at Johns Hopkins University. "The reality is that a lot of women struggle with anxiety and depression during pregnancy as well as during the postpartum period."

An estimated one in seven women experiences depression during or after pregnancy. Among some groups, such as teenage moms and women with a history of trauma, the rate can be even higher.

Left untreated, depression during this time can have serious consequences on the health of the mother, the baby and the entire family.

"I always say if mom's not happy, no one's happy," Payne says.

So, it's important that women seek treatment, says Payne, because depression during and after pregnancy (called perinatal depression) is treatable, and women with the right treatment do recover.

We have compiled a list of five things you need to know about perinatal depression, its symptoms and treatment options. These tips are also for spouses, parents, siblings and close friends of pregnant women and new mothers, because you can help your loved one find treatment.

1. Depression and anxiety are complications of pregnancy and childbirth

More than 300 women wrote to NPR about their experiences with perinatal depression — many said that they blamed themselves for what they were going through. But mental health problems aren't the mother's fault, or failure, Payne stresses. They are complications of pregnancy and childbirth, like preeclampsia and gestational diabetes.

"Postpartum depression is actually the most common complication of childbirth," Payne says. Anxiety sometimes goes hand in hand with the depression, and for many women, the symptoms kick in during pregnancy.

Researchers don't fully understand what causes these symptoms, Payne says, but like all mental illnesses, biological factors and life circumstances are at work.

Hormones likely play a big role in this case. Levels of certain hormones — mainly progesterone and estrogen — increase over the course of a pregnancy. Once the baby is born, the levels of progesterone and estrogen fall dramatically. That drop in hormone levels is likely responsible for the mental health symptoms many women experience during this time.

Women who have previously struggled with anxiety and depression are at a greater risk of developing depression or anxiety during this time period, Payne says. Other risk factors include poverty, marital stress, birth trauma and a history of abuse.

Big life transitions — like pregnancy and childbirth — are also major triggers for symptoms, because they add a lot of stress to people's lives.

2. Know the symptoms to look for

The postpartum period is an emotional roller coaster for most women. An estimated 80% of new moms experience the "baby blues," says Payne, which is different from perinatal depression and anxiety. "Baby blues is really a natural phenomenon that occurs in the immediate postpartum period."

So how do you know whether you're experiencing baby blues or depression? Here are the key symptoms of depression:

*Symptoms last every day for two weeks or more: Baby blues usually go away after a couple of weeks, but if you're depressed or have an anxiety disorder, you'll experience the symptoms every day for more than two weeks.

*Sadness, crying, trouble concentrating: A persistent low mood is a classic symptom. "Many women, when they're depressed, have low mood, can't get out of bed, have trouble concentrating, trouble eating properly, don't sleep well," Payne says.

*Struggling with everyday activities: If you're struggling with simple everyday tasks and feeling disconnected from your baby, it's a sign you need help. "What I tend to look for are women who are barely getting themselves together and taking care of the baby," Payne says.

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Many women who wrote to us said they felt detached from their baby. "I was afraid I would never love him," says Reddick, "and thought that this bond between a mother and child, that love that's so infallible, I was afraid I would never feel that because I didn't feel it in the beginning."

* Anger can be a symptom: "Many women will get angry that the baby's waking them up again or will not settle down," Payne says. "And ... it's a vicious cycle, because then the woman feels guilty, thinks she's a bad mother. And it just goes and goes in circles." Women who are depressed can also feel angry at their spouse, she adds.

* Severe anxiety: "Anxiety disorders are common in pregnancy as well," Payne says. "Those can look like generalized anxiety or having panic attacks. Many women will also develop OCD [obsessive compulsive disorder] ... and those symptoms are usually focused on kind of the health and safety of the pregnancy and the baby." So the anxiety and OCD symptoms often appear as heightened parenting worries.

"The thoughts for me were like, 'Is my daughter's room too warm? Is she going to stop breathing?' " says Angelina Spicer, a comedian who also reached out to us with her story.

Family members and friends can be on the lookout for the above and following signs, Payne says. "When people are depressed, they look different," she says. "Their eyes look different. They look sad and detached. If they smile, it doesn't go up to their eyes. Many people will become kind of slower in their thinking and their speaking process."

If you see any of these signs in yourself or someone you love, it's important to seek help.

3. Ask for help

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Recent medical guidelines, including from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, recommend that physicians proactively screen pregnant women and new mothers for depression and help women at risk get treatment.

While not all physicians are doing this, there's growing awareness — especially among obstetricians and pediatricians — about the need to address perinatal depression.

So Payne suggests that women with perinatal depression reach out to their doctors.

OB-GYNS, pediatricians and even primary care physicians can screen for depression and help women get treatment.

Payne suggests being direct about your symptoms.

"I think talking straight is probably the No. 1 tip I have," Payne says. Tell them, "I'm feeling depressed. I'm really struggling. I can't sleep when the baby is sleeping. I'm not getting enough to eat."

Your doctor can refer you for talk therapy, which medical guidelines suggest should be the main course of treatment. The physician can also prescribe an antidepressant if needed. (Antidepressants are considered to be effective and safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding.) Payne notes that antidepressants in combination with talk therapy have been shown to be more effective than medication alone.

One of the hurdles that many women face in seeking treatment is convincing their families that they have an illness and that they need help.

This can be more common in communities of color, says Leena Mittal, a psychiatrist with Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston. "I hear that over and over again," she says. "I hear that it can be really difficult to engage in conversations about mental health or that 'we don't believe in that kind of thing in my family or in my part of the neighborhood' or that 'we don't talk about those things.' "

Spicer, who is African American, struggled with this after she had her daughter.

"I would tell my family members that I was feeling disconnected, I was feeling scared and anxious — they all dismissed it," Spicer says. "They were like, 'Oh, it'll be fine.' ... Or, 'Why do you keep saying you're depressed? Why do you keep saying you're sad? You have this beautiful family.' "

If you run into a similar situation, Mittal suggests starting a family conversation around a goal you share with your family. "The goal is to have a well mom, a well baby, to have the mom be able to be engaged with the baby and in the care of the baby."

Help family members understand why your mental health is keeping you from taking good care of your baby, she says. She also encourages women to help family members understand that depression is a medical problem and to consider taking a family member with you to your doctor's appointment.

"That way, some of the myths can be dispelled too," she says. And the doctor can help your family understand the consequences of untreated mental illness in the mom.

Ideally, Mittal says, the health care system should be engaging women of color about these mental health issues, because research shows that women of color have more limited access to care for postpartum depression.

She and some other providers and patient advocates are working on that. But in the meantime, she suggests talking to your obstetrician about depression during prenatal appointments and asking about your risk factors, services available for you and how you can be proactive about prevention.

4. An alternative place to look for help

We heard from women who said that they went to their doctor — some even got the depression screening — but their doctor did not help them find treatment.

If you run into a dead end at your doctor's office, what do you do?

You can turn to an organization called Postpartum Support International, a nonprofit that helps women and their families find support for postpartum depression, says Ann Smith, the director of the board of the organization. "We will talk to them and give them support."

The organization also connects people with treatment. Its local coordinators keep a list of providers experienced in treating perinatal depression and anxiety, and they can also connect you to local support groups for new moms, which have also been shown to be important for recovery.

So if you or someone you know is struggling with perinatal depression or anxiety and your doctor isn't able to help you, try calling Postpartum Support International's help line at 1-800-944-4773, or you can text the organization at 503-894-9453 and a trained volunteer will get back to you within 24 hours, Smith says.

The volunteers will also stay in touch with a family until they are sure the mother is in treatment, she says. "Without it, people fall through the cracks all the time."

5. Build self-care into your routine In the meantime, there are some things you can do on your own that should help improve your symptoms, Payne says. (And these steps can also help all new moms feel better during the exhausting, sleep-deprived first year of your child's life.)

Self-care is key. Now, before you roll your eyes at the term, let us explain. We aren't talking about fancy pedicures or getaways. When we say self-care, we mean the absolute basics: diet, hydration, exercise, sleep and social support.

They might sound simplistic, but Payne says they have been shown to improve mental health symptoms by improving your overall health, so you can cope better with the stress of taking care of a newborn.

* Make sure you're eating regularly and hydrating: "I've had a number of women who weren't eating because they were breastfeeding all the time or changing the baby," says Payne, who also treats women with postpartum depression at her clinic. "And so I had their spouses set up eating stations for them so that when they're breastfeeding, they can eat a granola bar, for example, and have water available.

* Take a break every day: "I think getting a break from the baby regularly is key for women with depression and women without depression," Payne says. "And so arranging family support for that or social support for that is really important." Get your spouse or a relative to keep an eye on the baby, or if you can afford it, hire a babysitter. Prioritize sleep: Research shows that chronic sleep deprivation increases one's risk of all kinds of mental health symptoms. So, catch up on sleep, and sleep when the baby is sleeping, Payne says. "When baby's taking a nap, that's not the time to do the laundry," she says. "That's the time to sleep." Also consider sleeping in a different room than the baby, she adds, so you aren't waking up every time you hear the baby move or cry.

* Exercise: Studies show that exercise improves mental health symptoms. So, build simple exercises into your daily routine. This doesn't require a new gym membership or a yoga class. Just go for walks with your baby in your neighborhood.

* Find community: Social support is known to help in recovering from mental illness and improve one's sense of well-being. And it is particularly important for mothers struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety. "I cannot tell you how many mothers I've seen that think they're the only person who's gone through this," Payne says. "And it's just so not the case. So meeting other moms going through something similar can be really rallying for four people who are down on themselves."

If you're struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety, remember you're not alone, that help is available and you can recover. The path to recovery might be slightly different for every woman.

What worked for Spicer was "child care, Spanx and Zoloft."

"Child care was a huge relief for me because I had time to myself every day. Zoloft ... it lifted the fog," she says. "And the Spanx, I mean, come on! You know, your uterus after you have a baby just will not let you be great."

BY RHITU CHATTERJEE

PHOTO: Pexels

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insession-io · 5 years ago

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Counseling Plainfield Illinois

When our children come to us with a problem, we usually want to help them. So we console, interpret, advise, distract or praise. Other times, we feel we must teach our children, and so we interrogate, lecture, moralize or order. And probably more often than we’d like, we respond angrily—blaming, criticizing, ridiculing, shaming or withdrawing. However, all of these responses are problematic—whether with our children, or with the important adults in our lives. They often serve to stop the communication of real feelings and the development of individual solutions. Take the quiz below, adapted from the classic Parent Effectiveness Training, by Dr. Thomas Gordon, to assess your listening skills. 1. I let my children feel their difficult feelings, knowing that comments such as “Everyone goes through this” deny the strength of their feelings. 2. I try to listen for the need beneath the words and respond to that. 3. I make it a point to check in to see if I’ve understood something in the way my child intended it. When I do, I try to keep my own feelings, opinions and guidance out of it. 4. When my child tells me something, I try to respond with either noncommittal phrases (such as “I see” or “Is that so”) or with an invitation to say more (such as “Tell me more” or “Go ahead, I’m listening”). 5. I notice that when I listen to my children’s problems, rather than make suggestions or give advice, my children often come up with their own excellent solutions.

Counseling Plainfield Illinois, my goal as a therapist offering, is to find solutions that work for you on an individual basis, helping you to discover the true potential of your life, so everyday can be a celebration, and feel like a real ‘breath of fresh air.’ There may be no magic button or quick-fix solution when it comes to changing things from the past that have been difficult, but what we can do is work together to find comfort and resolve in the difficult areas of your life, and the challenges you have to face. Read more about Gwen Ginski, MEd, LCSW.

6. When I hear my child out fully, my child is often much more willing to listen to my thoughts and ideas. 7. When I let my children express their feelings openly and completely, the feelings often seem to disappear quickly. 8. I really want to hear what my child has to say; if I don’t have the time to listen right at that moment, I say so and make time for it later. 9. I’ve learned to trust that my children can find perfectly good solutions to their problems on their own. 10. I understand that my children are separate, unique individuals, and that their feelings and perceptions are not necessarily the same as mine. 11. When I stay away from moralizing, interpreting, ordering and advising, I find that I learn a lot more about my children. Sometimes, I even learn from my children. 12. I know that just listening doesn’t always bring about immediate change and that it’s sometimes OK to leave things on an inconclusive or incomplete note. 13. I understand that listening to children express their feelings can help them accept a situation they know they cannot change. Authentic communication with our children (and friends) has rewards more valuable than a pot of gold. Real listening may be the rainbow bridge we need to get there. If you scored fewer “true” answers than false, you could probably benefit from improving your listening skills. Don’t hesitate to call. Author’s content used under license, © 2008 Claire Communications Photo Credit: Jason Rosewell, unsplash.com

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insession-io · 5 years ago

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Couples Therapy DC + Online Counseling DC

Your Reaction to "The New Normal": Are My Thoughts And Feelings Normal?

How Are You? No, Really, How are you? The answer to this question is often a resounding, “Eh.” As therapists, we see the silver lining in this: emotional honesty (we can see your eye roll). We have found that because we are in a difficult common experience, we have been able to connect more quickly with one another around difficult emotions. This seems more authentic than the old standard, “I’m fine.” Am I Normal? We’ve all been hearing a lot about “the new normal,” but what does that even mean during a time when everything has been upended? It’s our first time going through a global pandemic too, but we know there is comfort in learning that you are not alone in your experience. Here are some common thoughts and feelings from our community (and ourselves) you might relate to: I kind of like this. No commute. More quality time with family. Working from home full time. Simple living. It makes sense that you like parts of this change. Soak in any positives you can to help get through this. Engage in self-care so you’re able to be present with your family, or take a moment to be present with little things you used to rush past during your stressful commute. I feel guilty about liking it. It also makes sense that you notice your privilege about enjoying aspects of staying home. Others definitely have it worse. You might also feel guilty about the struggles you’re having for the same reason. Something we’ve been pointing out to you, though, is your life is undoubtedly more difficult now than it was before, which is stressful. It’s okay to have complex feelings right now - and any time (but you knew therapists would say that) I’m super anxious. Of course you are. About getting sick. About your loved ones. The economy. The news. Food. Keeping the kids busy. And about the many changes you are experiencing. We could go on, and so could you. The DSM-V (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual for Mental Health Diagnoses) requires 6 months of anxiety symptoms, but some of them may sound familiar right now: difficulty controlling worry, feeling on edge, irritability, sleep disturbances. Some of your anxiety might be new, but it might also tie back to older issues as well. Send yourself some compassion, and consider making this a time to do some deeper emotional work. I’m feeling hopeless about the future. We don’t know how long this will go on, other than a long time. A symptom of depression is not looking forward to the future. Well, when we all have our picture of the future ripped out from under us, it makes sense that we feel a little depressed. We think that just about everyone might relate to some of the symptoms of depression right now: depressed mood most of the day, loss of interest in activities (especially when you have so few options, right?), significant weight change, loss of energy every day. As The New York Times points out, there is research showing that many aspects of social isolation lead to loneliness and depression. What’s our therapeutic advice about this one? You guessed it: self-care. Starting with therapy, of course :) It’s not just coming from us though - even The Washington Post suggests that therapy could ease your coronavirus stress. We are finding ourselves doing some very meaningful work with you as these feelings have been coming up. As a result, we have been able to witness some relief and growth.

Couples Therapy DC or Relationship Counseling, can help you to connect with one another so that you can bond in a way that may be difficult to do when you are on your own. Relationship counseling support may include couples therapy, pre-marital therapy, separation guidance, or everything in-between, to better understand yourself and your partner. Online Counseling DC is an increasingly popular method for maintaining mental health an it provides the same treatment as in person counseling sessions. Telehealth Video Therapy Sessions are simple, secure, and convenient.

Your Reaction to "The New Normal": Connecting Virtually

We are privileged to be trusted with your emotional wellbeing right now, so we want to share what we’ve been learning about the human condition during this time, beginning with the virtual connection. Most of our human “contact” now happens virtually. By now, you’ve heard our kids and dogs, and we’ve witnessed your family members seeking your attention, including Whiskers stealthily gliding by the camera. We’ve been hearing that people are both surviving on and exhausted by virtual interaction. It seems the key to preventing ‘virtual burnout’ might be similar to your in-person interactions: when you’re able, choose the connections which are fulfilling rather than draining. We’ve also heard that sometimes you just need a break from video calls. You can always empathically shout at your neighbor from 6 feet away instead. Virtual Therapy We are honored to find that therapy is one of the fulfilling types of virtual interactions. We’ve been thinking carefully about how to keep it this way for you, such as incorporating mindfulness, being flexible, and taking care of ourselves so we are present for you. Many clients have shared that it is more natural than expected. We are missing being in the room with you, but are so grateful for the ability to virtually connect with you. At this point, most of us are searching for humor to get us through this situation (one of our favorite coping mechanisms). Here are Hamilton cast members performing "The Zoom Where It Happened."

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insession-io · 5 years ago

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Counseling for women - Infidelity

According to The New York Times, the most consistent data on infidelity comes from the University of Chicago's General Social Survey (GSS). Interviews with people in non-monogamous relationships since 1972 by the GSS have shown that approximately 12% of men and 7% of women admit to having had an extramarital relationship. Results, however, vary year by year, and also by age-group surveyed. For example, one study conducted by the University of Washington, Seattle found slightly, or significantly higher rates of infidelity for populations under 35, or older than 60. In that study which involved 19,065 people during a 15-year period, rates of infidelity among men were found to have risen from 20 to 28%, and rates for women, 5% to 15%. In more recent nationwide surveys, several researchers found that about twice as many men as women reported having an extramarital affair. A survey conducted in 1990 found 2.2% of married participants reported having more than one partner during the past year. In general, national surveys conducted in the early 1990s reported that between 15–25% of married Americans reported having extramarital affairs. People who had stronger sexual interests, more permissive sexual values, lower subjective satisfaction with their partner, weaker network ties to their partner, and greater sexual opportunities were more likely to be unfaithful. Studies suggest around 30–40% of unmarried relationships and 18–20% of marriages see at least one incident of sexual infidelity. Rates of infidelity among women are thought to increase with age. In one study, rates were higher in more recent marriages, compared with previous generations; men were found to be only "somewhat" more likely than women to engage in infidelity, with rates for both sexes becoming increasingly similar. Another study found that the likelihood for women to be involved in infidelity reached a peak in the seventh year of their marriage and then declined afterward; whereas for married men, the longer they were in relationships, the less likely they were to engage in infidelity, except for the eighteenth year of marriage, at which point the chance that men will engage in infidelity increases. One measure of infidelity is covert illegitimacy, a situation that arises when someone who is presumed to be a child's father (or mother) is in fact not the biological parent. Frequencies as high as 30% are sometimes assumed in the media, but research by sociologist Michael Gilding traced these overestimates back to an informal remark at a 1972 conference. The detection of unsuspected illegitimacy can occur in the context of medical genetic screening, in genetic family name research, and in immigration testing. Such studies show that covert illegitimacy is, in fact, less than 10% among the sampled African populations, less than 5% among the sampled Native American and Polynesian populations, less than 2% of the sampled Middle Eastern population, and generally 1–2% among European samples.

When working with couples in person or online, it is Kathryn’s direct yet non-judgmental approach to any and all issues a couple is facing that provides a safe place for them to do the deep work of counseling and ultimately thrive. She helps couples determine which patterns in their life and relationships are keeping them “stuck” and then helps them establish new, more productive patterns whether in person or online therapy all over Texas. Kathryn works with couples on trust, intimacy, forgiveness, and communication. She has seen it all, and her couples appreciate her no-nonsense approach to helping to sort through the tough stuff. Kathryn provides premarital counseling in addition to couples counseling, marriage counseling, and individual counseling for women & counseling for men.

Counseling for women - Gender

Differences in sexual infidelity as a function of gender have been commonly reported. It is more common for men compared to women to engage in extra-dyadic relationships. The National Health and Social Life Survey found that 4% of married men, 16% of cohabiting men, and 37% of dating men engaged in acts of sexual infidelity in the previous year compared to 1% of married women, 8% of cohabiting women, and 17% of women in dating relationships. These differences have been generally thought due to evolutionary pressures that motivate men towards sexual opportunity and women towards commitment to one partner. In addition, recent research finds that differences in gender may possibly be explained by other mechanisms including power and sensations seeking. For example, one study found that some women in more financially independent and higher positions of power, were also more likely to be more unfaithful to their partners. In another study, when the tendency to sensation seek (i.e., engage in risky behaviors) was controlled for, there were no gender differences in the likelihood to being unfaithful. These findings suggest there may be various factors that might influence the likelihood of some individuals to engage in extra-dyadic relationships, and that such factors may account for observed gender differences beyond actual gender and evolutionary pressures associated with each.

Counseling for women - Emotional

Infidelity causes extreme emotions to occur between males and females alike. Emotions have been proven to change through this process. Below, the three phases of infidelity (beginning, during and after) are explained. The “Before” Stage: Infidelity is the biggest fear in most romantic relationships and even friendships. No individual wants to be cheated on and replaced by another, this act usually makes people feel unwanted, jealous, angry and incompetent. The initial stage of the infidelity process is the suspicious beginning; the stage in which it has not been proven, but warning signs are beginning to surface. While suspicion is not hard evidence in infidelity and cannot prove anything, it does affect a person's affective emotions and cognitive states. Jealousy, the feeling of incompetence, and anger can all be felt in both the affective and cognitive states of emotions; infidelity has a different impact in each of those connected states. Affective emotions and response are a primary factor in the initial stages of infidelity on both sides. Affective behaviors are how we deal with emotions that we do not anticipate. An affective response immediately indicates to an individual whether something is pleasant or unpleasant and whether they decide to approach or avoid a situation. To begin, affective emotions and the effect infidelity has on affective jealousy. Both men and women alike feel some kind of jealousy when they suspect their significant other is being unfaithful. If some individual suspects that he or she is being cheated on they begin to question their partner's actions and may possibly act in more frustrated ways towards them than they normally would. The affective use of jealousy in a seemingly unfaithful relationship is caused by the accusing partner anticipating the infidelity from the other. Another affective emotion in this beginning stage is incompetence. Feeling incompetent can spring from multiple things in a relationship, but during the initial stages of infidelity, a person can experience this on an increased level. When someone is having incompetent feelings due to someone else's actions they begin to resent them, creating a build-up and eventually an affective emotion outburst over something small. The faithful partner is not normally aware that their suspicion is the reason they feel incompetent in the relationship and do not expect to be so irritated by the change of simple things; making it an affective response in this stage of infidelity. These unanticipated emotions could lead to more and multiple responses such as this one within the future of the initial stage of infidelity. An additional affective response or emotion seen in initial infidelity is anger. Anger is an emotion that is felt in all stages of infidelity, but in different ways and at different calibers. In the initial stages of infidelity anger is an underlying emotion that is usually exposed after the buildup of other emotions such as jealousy and Resentment. Anger is noticed to be a key emotion within a situation like infidelity, it takes on many roles and forms throughout the process but in the initial stage of cheating, anger can be an affective emotion because of how unpredictable and rapid it can happen without thinking of one's actions and feelings before doing so. Cognitive emotions and states tend to be felt in the initial stages of infidelity whenever the faithful partner is alone or left alone by the suspected unfaithful one. Cognitive emotions and responses are that of those in which an individual anticipates them. Once couples begin to anticipate the actions and emotions of their partners, even if evidence have not been set forth, the emotions of infidelity enter a cognitive state. To begin with cognitive responses in infidelity, individuals who have been cheated on experience jealousy cognitively for many reasons. They may feel that their partner has lost interest in them and feel that they cannot compare to the persons with whom they are being cheated on with. Therefore, they anticipate the loss of their partner's emotional interest in them and become jealous for more clear reasons. The anticipation of jealous feelings towards an individual's significant other causes a cognitive response, even without the burden of proof. Some more cognitive responses in the young stages of infidelity are incompetence and resentfulness. In the initial stages of infidelity, the feeling of incompetence can lead to cognitive resentment. The partner being cheated on will begin to feel that anything and everything they do is not enough, they may feel incompetent in the ways of love, affection, or sex. Whenever an individual suspects that they are being cheated on they try to change their behavior in hopes of keeping or getting their partner's attention back onto themselves instead of on the person whom they are having another relationship with. People cheat for many reasons and each of those can cause a faithful person to believe they are not competent enough to be in a romantic relationship. This feeling leads to the resentment of the unfaithful partner's actions and becomes an ongoing emotion throughout the stages of infidelity instead of simply being a quick and immediate response to a partner's actions.

Counseling for women - Anger

Anger in infidelity is quite inevitable. In the initial stage of infidelity, anger is not as apparent as it is seen in stage two, because there is not hard facts or evidence supporting one's suspicions. As previously talked about, the accuser most likely feels jealous and incompetent in the first stage of cheating. These emotions can contract into anger and provide a cognitive state of anger because the accusing person anticipates his or her anger. Unlike jealousy and resentment, it is hard to identify the purpose or cause of the individual's anger because in reality there is nothing yet to be angry about, there is no proof of their romantic partner's unfaithfulness. It is hard to pinpoint the anger emotion in the initial stages due to ambiguity; therefore, it begins to take on other emotions turning into a cognitive state of emotional turmoil. The individual knows they are angry and anticipates it, but cannot logically explain it to their partner because of the lack of evidence they have. Ref Text: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity Ref Photo: Pexels.com

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insession-io · 5 years ago

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Are You Financially Avoidant?

You come home and see the pile of unopened bills and bank statements, but instead of opening them, you move onto something else. Maybe you come up with a justification for passing that pile for the umpteenth time, or maybe you stuff the slight feeling of panic back down and ignore it. You have no idea what your credit score is, and you aren’t sure how close you are to overdrawing your bank account. You’re waiting until you get paid again to check, but part of you knows that you aren’t planning to check next time around either. Money becomes a taboo topic, and when it comes up, you fall silent or change the subject.

You may be experiencing money avoidance, but don't worry Online Counseling in New Jersey can help

In the past, I’ve personally joked with friends about having a more “intuitive” approach to managing my money, which really meant I was avoiding taking control. I know this is common, because more often than not, whoever I was talking to echoed the same financial approach. It’s not surprising, because money is consistently the top source of stress for American adults.

Learning by example

We all develop a money story as we move through life, which is influenced by the way we see the adults in our life handle money and the ways they directly or indirectly teach us about money. Whether or not you realize it, your money story has been a long time in the making, as we start building our beliefs about money from a young age.

Money avoidance doesn’t usually happen when everything is totally fine financially, which makes it even more important to address. If you are anxious about opening bills or can’t bring yourself to check your bank account, it may be because you are overspending, unable to make a plan to address debts owed, unsure of how to approach money in general, or maybe even dealing with deeper feelings of shame about money. These are just some examples, and each person’s situation is unique to them. Taking time to talk with a therapist about your own money story is an important step toward relieving yourself of dysfunctional financial habits and feeling more empowered to take control of your financial future.

Sarah Tronco, LCSW, practices Online Counseling New Jersey and works to develop a strong therapeutic relationship with her clients, which helps to create a secure place where individuals can achieve meaningful change.

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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Is an Indian Holiday the Cure for Sibling Rivalry?

I want my children to value Raksha Bandhan, the celebration of the bond between brothers and sisters, as much as I do.

Although you’d never know it if you’re counting on Bollywood to mirror real life, Indians don’t only celebrate weddings. Holi, the festival of colors, photographs well. My family has a sparkler party with the neighbors every Diwali, the festival of lights. Depending on our backgrounds, Indians might celebrate Eid, Christmas, Hanukkah, or any number of Sikh, Buddhist, Jain or Zoroastrian holidays. But my personal favorite holiday is Raksha Bandhan — a Hindu celebration of the special relationship between brothers and sisters.

Every August for 34 years, I’ve tied a Rakhi, a symbolic red thread, around my younger brother’s wrist, and he gives me money or a present. I’m not sure how other families do it — maybe they include sweets or prayers — but like many Hindu holidays, each region and even each home celebrates it differently. For us, it’s always been the thread and the gift, little bribes stipulated by my parents. It’s a small ritual meant to symbolize the bond of protection between brother and sister, and even though I’ve never seen a cinematic musical extravaganza built around it, nothing in our family of four is more sacred.

My brother and I have always been unreasonably close, especially for kids born almost six years apart. We’ve had exactly one fight. I was 13; he was 8. He wrestled the remote control out of my hand; I punched him in the leg. He screamed, developed a bruise and moved on, while I cried about it for two days. I can’t recall an argument since. As adults we live in the same city, have figured out boundaries and quality time and catch up over weekly family dinners and snatched phone calls. We know, it’s unusual. But now I look to my own small children, a boy and a girl almost five years apart, and am desperate to recreate the alchemy of it all.

Is our sibling bond just circumstance? Or did our parents, a pediatrician and educator, make a deliberate series of choices to force us together? Pediatricians and educators are rarely chill about child-rearing, and my experience tells me it was a combination of both.

The age difference certainly helped. By the time my brother was born, I was 5, a fully formed, fully bored person who wanted a baby in the house. But my campaign for a younger sibling had begun at 2 years old, when my nursery school peers in England started bringing baby sisters and brothers around. I was a bookish child whose only friends were my teachers, but a baby seemed like the best sort of companion — a pet, an acolyte and an outlet for my desire to be in charge of things, all in one. My mother claims not to remember the details of this, but my recollection is that the baby was my idea, that my parents had him for me, and that when he was born I gratefully took him off their hands, keeping him company, packing his lunch and making his afternoon snack, until I went to college.

My brother and I never fought for resources (except that TV remote) because we never needed the same thing. We both felt the full glow of our parents’ attention: me for five years solo, and my brother for much of his early life as I grew into my own. During our shared childhood, we lived in 20-odd places on three continents, often finding ourselves in new neighborhoods and schools, where we didn’t know any other kids. Raksha Bandhan was our yearly reminder that we’d never be alone, as long as we had each other.

I can’t speak for every Indian, but a survey of my extended family points to the potential of a larger cultural norm: that a sibling was a gift — a relationship to be celebrated rather than navigated. I asked my cousins’ WhatsApp group (you all do this, right?) whether they felt any sibling rivalry growing up. Of the 10 of us, now living in five different countries, I got the same response from eight: nope. “Only American kids fight,” joked one Toronto cousin.

The only two who reported any conflict growing up were also the only pair of the same gender (boys). They were born only two years apart, whereas the others had four to eight years between them. Maybe they fought because they didn’t celebrate Raksha Bandhan? After all, there doesn’t seem to be any sort of celebration for siblings of the same gender. My cousins all laughed at me. O.K., maybe the holiday was only big in my family.

After I had my son five years ago, I was immediately anxious about having another child. Apart from the whole gestation, childbirth and postpartum worries — what if they fought? If all American kids fight, and these kids were definitely going to be American, was my stressful fate sealed?

His dad and I were in no rush to decide, but history repeated itself when my son’s biological clock kicked in at 2. Just like the baby boom I lived through at Snowsfield Primary School, the minute baby brothers and sisters started showing up in his preschool’s Yellow Room, he wanted one, too. If he heard the word “baby,” he’d shout, even to strangers and empty rooms, “I’d like to have a baby!” For almost two years straight, he told his entire school, “We’re going to have a baby soon, because Mama and Dada are working on it.” We were not.

Eventually, though, his lobbying for a sibling somehow worked on us. By the time he was about 3½, we felt sort of ready to try it all again. Ten weeks into the new pregnancy, my husband and I found out it was a girl, and the next time our son brought up the Baby Issue, we were ready to lay some groundwork.

“We’ll see what we can do,” we said, as did my pregnant mother before me. “But if we decide to have a baby, do you think you want a brother or a sister?” We were prepared to nudge him in the right direction if necessary, but he was immediately set on having a sister. “Like Baby Margaret,” on his favorite cartoon, “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.” PHEW.

After I started showing, we told him we had, indeed, procured him a baby sister, and he couldn’t believe his good luck. “Like I’ve always wanted!” he said. After her birth, I was nervous about how this was actually going to go down, but other than some impatience at my inability to do everything at the same time, and hiccups resolved by the book “Siblings Without Rivalry,” he’s besotted with his sister, whom he refers to as “my baby,” “my little sissy” or “the little missy.”

“Can you believe this wondrous baby was in your belly?” he said last week, watching her pull herself up on a toybox. (Yes, he said “wondrous”; it’s possible we read too much.) She roared like a bodybuilder as he cheered her on. “She was just a tiny little thing, and now she’s cooler than I ever imagined!” It sounds like I’m making this up. I’m not — that’s how he talks. His dad and I know, it’s unusual. We also know that this could be a brief window of peace, and that the kids might spend the rest of their lives trying to punch each other in the face. Who knows? But Raksha Bandhan is coming, and I have solid plans to overdo it. Snacks, desserts, special toys, a new piggy bank.

After all, bribing us to like each other worked for my parents, and who am I to abandon our cultural heritage?

By Priyanka Mattoo

Kin Leung is a Marriage & Family Therapist, MFT practicing in the San Francisco Bay area. Kin specializes in helping couples overcome struggles related to infidelity, intimacy, miscommunication, mistrust, and parenting. Kin's kind, thoughtful and compassionate approach to marriage counseling San Francisco helps guide couples to a calmer and safer space to explore issues and move forward in a more productive manner.

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

Mothers are supposed to be patient martyrs, so our rage festers beneath our shame.

“[My son] can provoke me into a state of something similar to road rage. I have felt many times over the years that I was capable of hurting him … [T]he myth of maternal bliss is so sacrosanct that we can’t even admit these feelings to ourselves.” Anne Lamott, “Mother rage: theory and practice,” Salon.com

The rage lives in my hands, rolls down my fingers clenching to fists. I want to hurt someone. I am tears and fury and violence. I want to scream and rip open pillows, toss chairs and punch walls. I want to see my destruction — feathers floating, overturned furniture, ragged holes in drywall.

When I get mad like this around my 3-year-old son, I have to say to myself, like a mantra, “Don’t touch him, don’t touch him, don’t touch him.” Touching him with this rage coursing through me only ends in my shame, and my son’s shock, and what else I do not know; only time will reveal that. I have never hit him, but the line between “hitting” and “not hitting” is porous. In this “not hitting” gray area there are soft arms squeezed too tight, a red superhero cape (Velcro-clasped around his neck) forcefully yanked off, a child picked up and thrown into his crib. For me it is better not to touch at all. Only a few years ago, I remember judging a mother on the bus for smacking her child. Now I have only empathy for her. Mother rage can change you, providing access to parts of yourself you didn’t even know you had.

Mother rage is not “appropriate.” Mothers are supposed to be martyr-like in our patience. We are not supposed to want to hit our kids or to tear out our hair. We hide these urges, because we are afraid to be labeled “bad moms.” We feel the need to qualify our frustration with “I love my child to the moon and back, but....” As if mother rage equals a lack of love. As if rage has never shared a border with love. Fearing judgment, we say nothing. The rage festers and we are left under a pile of loneliness and debilitating shame.

The shame is as bad as the rage and just as damaging. I am afraid of my actions. Of myself. I know — know — in the deepest part of myself that this yelling, this terrifying anger is not O.K. My little boy is unfolding, blossoming more into his glorious self with each passing day. I am afraid I am destroying his bloom with my rage.

I get furious with my son for all kinds of reasons: for running away from me down the sidewalk; for not getting in the car; for not letting me brush his teeth; for spitting at, hitting and biting other children at school; for ignoring me; for eating only five monochromatic foods. In my calmer moments, I can access the wisdom of distance. I remember that his behavior is age-appropriate, that all kids test limits. But in the moment, I’m consumed by what a brat he is being. Fury does not welcome wisdom.

In this red place, I yell at my son so hard my voice becomes a growl. I want him to react. To cry or look scared. To feel my fury. I turn into a tantruming child, stomping along with each word. I slam doors, smack my hand on the counter. “Goddamn it! Jesus Christ! You’re making me insane!” I threaten forever-timeouts, no supper. I take away videos, treats, toys, privileges. When I get through with him the house will be barren, the dusty outlines where the furniture used to be the only indication that a nice family once lived there.

[How to discipline your child without yelling or spanking]

One evening, my partner, working late, calls me after a particularly rage-filled day. I am watching a movie on our bed, while finishing off all the sweet things in the house. “How was the day?” he asks. My voice is tired and small. “It was hard,” I say, trying not to cry, and I detect an edge in his voice when he asks me what happened. He knows, I think. I can’t tell him everything. He will hate me. He won’t trust me. Our son is his baby, too. I wouldn’t trust me either.

Mostly, I keep my rage between my son and me. My partner’s presence mitigates my outbursts, but sometimes my fury bubbles over and he witnesses it. He’s an even-keeled guy, so when he says, “You need to figure this out now,” I know I need to get help beyond ice cream and deep breathing.

I start working with a life coach. He assigns me a section of Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence.” Goleman cites the work of University of Alabama psychologist Dolf Zillmann, who discovered that the physiological effects of rage can last for days, and that rage builds on rage. Repeated aggravations — “a sequence of provocations” — can dramatically increase anger, so that by the third or fourth rage trigger, the person is reacting on a level 10 in response to a misplaced key or a dropped spoon.

The example Goleman uses is (wait for it!) a mother in a grocery store with a 3-year-old and a baby. The 3-year-old is begging his mother to buy things, pulling food off shelves and not listening when she orders him to put it back. Then the baby drops a jam jar, which shatters on the floor. The mother explodes: yells, slaps the baby, slams the cereal box down and angrily zigzags the cart toward the exit.

Of course Goleman chose this story to illustrate Zillmann’s “sequence of provocations.” Motherhood is relentless provocation! And yet we are expected to be saintly and patient, to lovingly hold and care for our babies, even at their most challenging. To dwell so serenely in the state Anne Lamott calls “the myth of maternal bliss,” that we don’t yell or curse, and we certainly don’t become enraged or violent.

Looking for help, I join a 12-week anger-management group for mothers. The facilitator encourages us to add “tools” to our “toolboxes.” We practice deep breathing through one nostril at a time, and we read about “happy parenting.” The most important part, for me, is the mirror provided by the circle of tired, sad mothers. One woman is divorced. One has a toddler at home and a 3-month-old on her breast. Only one participant is a dad; apparently, there is no class for dads who rage. Another mom admits that she wants to throw her child across the room, and the rest of us have forgiven her before she has finished her sentence. We all nod, as our bodies flood with relief that the rage has not singled us out.

Couples therapy, individualized therapy, life coaching, anger management for mothers — I have been working on my mother rage. I have not yet found the golden ticket to serenity, but I have noticed that when I manage to exercise, make art and eat healthy food, I have a longer fuse. In toolbox lingo: These things fill up my patience cup. Unfortunately, as a working mom with a small child I am not swimming in spare time, and cooking, running and unpaid hobbies often fall to the bottom of the to-do list.

I am trying, though. And failing. And sometimes succeeding. I count every small win — today I got mad and clenched my fists but kept my voice really calm! Each day I begin again: breathing in his sweet little-boy smell when he crawls into our bed and I wrap my arms around him, enveloping his body in mine; and by the end of the day, whispering to myself, “Don’t touch him, don’t touch him, don’t touch him.”

Minna Dubin, a writer, public artist and performer in the Bay Area, is working on a collection of essays about motherhood.

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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Pre-Marital Counseling for Couples

Many people have mistaken ideas about what it means to get pre-marital counseling. They assume that you must be off to a bad start if you “need” therapy before you get married. Or they think that pre-marital counseling is only for religious couples who seek guidance through their church before marriage. While you can certainly seek that type of pre-marital counseling, it’s not the only reason to get therapy before getting married. In fact, many of the strongest marriages begin because they got off on the right foot thanks to therapy.

What is Pre-Marital Counseling?

Obviously, pre-marital counseling is couples’ therapy for people who are planning to get married. It’s provided by a licensed, trained therapist, just like any other type of couples’ counseling would be. It utilizes the same practices as other forms of couples’ therapy. The only difference is that the focus is on issues that concern you as you move forward together into marriage.

Addressing Issues in Pre-Marital Counseling

Sometimes getting married brings a very specific issue to the forefront. For example, as you plan the wedding, you begin to realize that you have extremely different philosophies about finances. Therefore, you might go to pre-marital couples’ counseling in order to deal with that very specific issue. Or perhaps one or both of you is feeling ambivalent about the marriage, and you need to address that in order to decide if you’re going to move forward with the wedding. Therapy can help you figure that out.

However, even if you don’t have a specific issue in mind, you can benefit from pre-marital counseling. Your therapist can help you identify what types of things currently concern you in the relationship or might be an issue in the future. They can point out some of the most common issues in a marriage that you might want to think about.

Some of the issues that you might address in pre-marital counseling include:

*Blended family issues including those related to exes and children from other partners *Cultural and/or religious differences *Desires about when and whether to have children, how many to have, how to handle potential fertility challenges, and what parenting together might look like *Differences in communication styles and how to handle conflict *Financial issues including beliefs about earning, saving, spending, and investing money *Intimacy issues *Problems associated with one or both sets of in-laws and/or friend circles *Power imbalances and/or gender role beliefs

Planning for the Future in Pre-Marital Counseling

Pre-marital counseling isn’t just about “problems.” In fact, you might currently feel like there aren’t any big issues. That’s okay. Pre-marital counseling can also help you start setting goals for your shared future. By learning how to communicate about the future now, you start your relationship off with a strong foundation. Some of the things that you might discuss in therapy include:

*What do you want your family’s holiday traditions to be? *How do you want to celebrate your relationship? *What do you hope intimacy will look like in one year, five years, and ten years? *How will you handle things if one of you gets very ill? *What rituals would you like to create in your relationship? *What expectations do you have about your separate roles in the marriage? *How will you handle time apart from one another? *What are your top values in the relationship?

You have the opportunity to create the relationship of your dreams. Premarital counseling can provide a starting place for beginning to draft that dream relationship together.

Kathryn McNeer, LPC specializes in Couples Counseling Dallas with her sound, practical and sincere advice. Kathryn's areas of focus include individual counseling, relationship and couples counseling Dallas. Kathryn has helped countless individuals find their way through life's inevitable transitions; especially that tricky patch of life known as "the mid life crisis." Kathryn's solution-focused, no- nonsense counseling works wonders for men and women in the midst of feeling, "stuck," or "unhappy." Kathryn believes her fresh perspective allows her clients find the better days that are ahead. When working with couples, it is Kathryn's direct yet non-judgmental approach that helps determine which patterns are holding them back and then helps them establish new, more productive patterns. Kathryn draws from Gottman and Cognitive behavioral therapy. When appropriate Kathryn works with couples on trust, intimacy, forgiveness, and communication.

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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4 Money Disorders that Show Up in Couples Counseling

Money is one of the most common causes of conflict in a relationship. Therefore, it's one of the most common things that people deal with together in couples' therapy. Of course, oftentimes the issue turns out to be something other than money – such as issues related to trust, security, or even childhood trauma. But in some cases, there are money disorders going on that you need to address directly through therapy. Four common money disorders show up in couples counseling: financial infidelity, financial dependence, financial enabling, and financial incest.

What Is Financial Infidelity?

Put simply, financial infidelity is when you lie to your partner about money. Of course, each couple has their own boundaries when it comes to money. Some couples keep separate bank accounts and don’t pay attention as long as each pays their part of the bills. Others want to know how their partner spends every dime. How you handle your money is up to you, as long as both of you agree. However, once you’ve agreed, you have to stick to the rules and boundaries that you’ve established about money. If you don’t, then you may commit financial infidelity.

Examples of financial infidelity include:

Hiding the credit card bills so your partner can’t see what you spent Opening up a secret bank account and/or credit card Running up gambling debts and not telling your partner you have a problem Quitting your job but pretending to still go to work every day

As you can see, the infractions run the gamut from small to major. Financial infidelity can lead to some serious money problems in a marriage. More importantly, though, it signifies a problem with trust and communication. You aren’t able to tell each other the truth about finances for one reason or another. Therefore, you have to get to the root of the problem. Couples therapy can help you figure that out. It can also help you established new, clear boundaries for discussing finances now and in the future.

What Is Financial Dependence?

Financial dependence means that you, as a capable adult, have given over some or all of your financial power to someone else. Certainly, some couples divvy up money in such a way that it can look like financial dependence when it's not. For example, one partner might handle all paying all of the bills. If the other partner has agreed to that, perhaps it's not a problem. However, in this day and age, it's generally advisable for both partners to have a solid working knowledge of what's happening with their finances.

While one of you may still opt to take on the bulk of accounting in the household, it shouldn’t be done in such a way that it creates a power imbalance. You should both be involved in making critical financial decisions in your home. At the very least, you should feel like you have the option to do so if you desire to. If that’s not the case, then one or both of you can end up resentful. For example, the partner who deals with the finances may feel like they have a huge burden while the other may feel like they’re being treated like a child.

Couples counseling can help you figure out how you got into a situation of financial dependence. Moreover, it can help you figure out new communication styles that will allow you to shift the power to a balance that feels more satisfying to both of you.

What Is Financial Enabling?

Financial enabling can go hand-in-hand with financial independence. The person who is controlling all of the money may be enabling the other person to avoid dealing with money. However, sometimes financial enabling causes problems in a marriage when one of the partners is enabling a third party.

Oftentimes, one of the partners might be financially enabling their adult child. The child never learned how to deal with their finances. The parent handles it all for them. In fact, they often financially bail out their adult child without a second thought. The other parent doesn’t agree with this and it causes problems.

Similarly, a partner might financially enable their own parent or sibling. Financial problems know no age limits. The strain this places on a marriage can be immense. Couples’ counseling can help you work through the friction it has caused over the years.

What Is Financial Incest?

Financial incest means that a parent has manipulated or forced their child to take on an inappropriate role with finances. In contrast to enabling the child to not deal with money, it requires the child to get overly involved with money. For example, if you have your child lie to debt collectors for you, then you’re committing financial incest.

One of the most common ways that this shows up in couples counseling is when one or both of the parents has put the child(ren) between them when it comes to money. They ask the child to lie to the other parent about finances. Or instead of discussing your money issues together, you fight about them through your child.

Some families will choose to deal with financial incest in family therapy. In some instances, that may be appropriate. However, couples counseling allows you to put an end to the financial incest and start learning how to deal with just each other in the marriage. Choosing couples therapy instead of asking your child to come to therapy to deal with the money issue makes a powerful statement that you’re truly ready to make a change.

Couples counseling can help couples who are dealing with all types of problems associated with money, whether they rise to the level of a money disorder or not.

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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Couples Therapy After Infidelity

Infidelity can often feel like the end of your relationship. However, it doesn't always have to mean that the relationship is over. Couples can and do work through infidelity. It's not an easy process. However, with the help of therapy, it can be done. In fact, you may discover that coming together after infidelity actually strengthens your marriage, despite the fact that at the moment it feels like things are all over.

Do You Want to Stay Together?

The biggest question many couples face after infidelity is whether or not they want to try to make the relationship work despite this huge breach of trust. The problem is that the answer is rarely immediate. There are a lot of emotions involved. There are a lot of concerns, doubts, and decisions to work through. One or both parties may be completely unsure of whether or not they want to stay together, which leaves the couple in limbo for some time. Often, people separate and get back together several times after infidelity as they try to figure out the answer to this question.

Therapy can help you make a solid decision about whether or not you want to stay together. Couples therapy will allow the two of you to discuss all of the challenging issues that have brought you to this point. As you communicate openly, you’ll be able to come to a decision about your relationship that’s rooted in the full reality of the relationship, not just as a reaction to infidelity. Whether or not you stay together, therapy can help you feel good about the final decision.

Dealing with Shame, Guilt, and Blame

Couples often get trapped in their feelings of shame, guilt, and blame after infidelity. The person who cheated might feel guilty about the affair. The person who was cheated on may blame the other for all of their pain. But sometimes the person who was cheated on feels ashamed or even guilty for reasons that they can’t explain. Sometimes the person who cheated blames the other for whatever led up to the affair in the first place.

Couples therapy helps you authentically work through these issues so that you can let go of shame, guilt, and blame. Something did lead up to this situation, and you do need to address it to move forward. However, the guilty feelings and overt blame aren't helping you to do that. Instead, therapy moves you through those feelings to the underlying core issues so that you can find real resolutions.

Changing Communication and Moving Forward

One of the key things that couples therapy offers after infidelity is a safe space to begin communicating in new ways. Whatever you were doing before wasn’t working. It’s time to start anew. If you decide that you want to stay together, then couples therapy can help you safely discuss all of the issues that brought you to this place. You can learn new communication tools that will allow you to deal with what has happened. Then you can find ways to move forward together as a stronger couple. Your therapist can guide you as you practice new ways of communicating.

Even if you ultimately decide to separate, communicating authentically in the therapy room can help you to find closure about the relationship. Both of you will be able to move forward with less animosity. This is what allows you to forge new relationships in the future without bringing in baggage from the past. Ultimately, whether you decide that you want to stay in the relationship after infidelity or not, therapy can help you both to put the situation behind you in a healthy way.

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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Couples Therapy for Rekindling Romance

Romance fades. However, that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life of the doldrums after the honeymoon phase has worn off. Instead, it means that you need to reinvent your meaning of romance. More importantly, it means getting on the same page as your partner about what romance looks like as your marriage grows. Couples counseling can provide you with a terrific space for figuring that out.

From Romance to Roommates and Back Again

Most relationships follow a common arc in that they start hot and heavy and then fade into something less lusty but steadier. However, if you're not careful, the romance can slip so far away that it starts to feel like you're just roommates. When that happens, one or both of you are likely to become dissatisfied.

Unfortunately, you can’t go back to before when you barely knew each other. You can finish each other’s sentences. You know exactly how to push each other’s buttons. And you can’t stop engaging in the mundane details of everyday life. However, you can still get the romance back. It just looks a little different than when you first met. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it gives you the opportunity to get creative, which can be wonderful.

Is There a Problem?

Sometimes romance fades just because of circumstance. You have a few children, you get busy with your careers, you deal with illness … and the romance just kind of slips away. However, sometimes a lack of romance is a sign of an underlying issue in the relationship. Couples counseling can help you come together to communicate about exactly what’s going on. You can figure out if there’s a bigger problem at play, and if so, how you want to address it.

For example, sometimes a lack of romance is due to a series of built-up resentments that you’ve failed to deal with over time. Couples therapy can help you air those resentments, communicate about them in a healthy way, and find methods of moving forward. Once you feel more connected again, the romance issue might resolve itself. If not, couples counseling can help with that too.

Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship

Couples therapy can also simply serve as a catalyst to rekindle romance. Simply setting aside one hour per week to talk about your relationship is a strong show of commitment. While in therapy, you can communicate about ideas that you might have to rekindle romance. Sometimes you’re shy or afraid about doing that on your own but become empowered to do so in the therapy office.

Your therapist might also offer counseling exercises, therapeutic homework, or simply suggestions for how to find ways to rekindle romance at home. You might learn new techniques for practicing mindfulness in the relationship. You might set goals that help you get romance back on track. Alternatively, you might just find that you're more committed to date nights and weekend getaways since you feel a bit accountable for reporting back to your therapist.

Rekindling romance can be as simple as adding more handholding and deep kisses to your daily life. Or it can be much more in-depth and creative. The trick is to start somewhere. Couples counseling can help you both start on the same page.

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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Should You Try Couples Counseling?

Oftentimes people come to couples counseling when they are deep in crisis. In fact, it may be a last-ditch effort to save the marriage even though you've been talking about divorce. Because of that, some people wonder whether it's worth the time, energy, and cost. If you're on your way to divorce court, is it better just to skip the counseling and head to a lawyer? Couples counseling may or may not save your marriage. But chances are that even if you end up getting a divorce, couples counseling can be an asset.

Couples Counseling Offer Crisis Management

If your relationship is in crisis, then couples counseling can help you deal with the immediate situation at hand. These appointments aren’t about deciding whether or not to get a divorce. Instead, they’re all about helping you each get back to a more balanced and centered place where it doesn’t feel like your world is falling apart.

It's easy to know if you're in a crisis if you're the kind of couple that argues loudly. You fight constantly, tell each other that you can't stand one another, and constantly threaten divorce. You can't seem to agree on anything, and every little thing becomes fodder for an argument. However, you can also be in quiet crisis. Some couples simply withdraw from one another, avoid each other, and don't talk at all. This, too, is a crisis. If you aren't healthily connected, then crisis counseling for couples can help.

You may also find yourself needing couples counseling during a crisis that isn’t just about your marriage. For example, if one of you has a substance misuse issue or a mental health crisis, then it can cause your marriage to feel like it’s disintegrating. When a child gets ill, it can cause a crisis in the family. After a death in the family, grief can become a crisis when it isn’t dealt with over time. If one of you in the marriage is in crisis, then the marriage might be in crisis, and couples counseling can help you get stable again.

Couples Counseling to Decide About Divorce

Once you are each in a more stable place, you’ll be in a better position to make long-term decisions about your marriage. That’s when you can start getting honest about whether or not you want to consider a divorce. You may decide that you want to work through things. If you've gotten to the point where you were considering divorce, then chances are that you need to do some mending to the relationship as well as learn new communication skills in order to move forward in a healthy way.

Alternatively, you may decide not to stay married. If one or both of you becomes clear that divorce is what you want, then therapy can help you process that together. You may wonder why you’d want to be in therapy with someone that you’re planning to divorce. However, you’ve had a relationship with this person for a long time. They are a key part of your life. Working through the issues that brought you to this point together can help you both in the long-term, even if the relationship is coming to an end. Couples counseling can help you deal with individual and shared feelings of grief, loss, hopelessness, and fear about the future. It can also help you work through some of the practical aspects of divorce in a safe setting.

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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Everything You Need To Know About Relationship Counseling

Why, when and how to pursue therapy to make your relationships stronger

Saying “relationships are hard” is so common it’s a cliché now. But it’s also true. Even when people get along really well, stress and daily life can cause conflicts that seem difficult or even impossible to resolve. Relationship counseling can help people in these tough situations to work through their problems, move beyond them, and be better partners overall.

Relationship therapy isn’t just for married people: cohabiting couples, people in non-monogamous relationships and gay, lesbian and queer people can also benefit. It can also be helpful for siblings dealing with family issues, or even business partners!

Problems with relationships are not limited to romantic ones, even though that’s the most popular reason people consult for relationship therapy.

This article will cover the basics of relationship therapy: the signs that you need some help, how to find the best counselor for your needs, realistic expectations, and what you can do to help make your time (and money) worth it.

When Should I Seek a Relationship Therapist? Many people believe that you should only seek relationship counseling when separation or divorce are looming. But that is often too little, too late. Relationship therapy should begin as soon as the problems get in the way of your daily life. Here are some signs that you might benefit from a consultation:

*You have trouble expressing your feelings to one another *You have one or more unsolvable disagreement *There is withdrawal, criticism, or contempt in your interactions *A stressful event has shaken your daily life *You have trouble making decisions together *You experienced infidelity, addiction, or potential abuse *You want a stronger relationship

Remember that there are no wrong reasons to seek relationship counseling. Some couples start therapy as soon as they are married, even without obvious problems, to prevent serious problems from developing. Counselors can help you become a better communicator, develop strong relationship skills, and improve your family’s happiness.

Keep in mind that the average couple waits six years before seeking therapy. This is a lot of time to let problems fester; at this point, troubled relationships are difficult to save. It is therefore important to acknowledge problems early and seek therapy as soon as possible.

How Do I Find A Relationship Therapist?

There are two general types of relationship therapists: clinical psychologists who specialize in couples and relationships, and registered marriage and family therapists (licensed by the AAMFT). Remember that even though their title says “marriage”, you do not need to be married to benefit from relationship counseling.

Although going to the internet is most people's first impulse when looking for a therapist, asking for references from people you know is a more effective way to start. If you live in an urban area, there are probably hundreds of qualified therapists, and making the choice can be overwhelming.

If people you know have successfully worked with a therapist, there's a good chance they might work for you too. If you can't find references from people you know, there are many other ways to find a qualified therapist, such as professional directories. You can even seek out online relationship counseling, if that is more convenient for you and your partner.

Take advantage of the free consultation that many therapists offer for potential new clients. This is a great time to see if the particular counselor suits your needs, style, and budget. Therapist-client relationships can affect your life in many profound ways, and you should choose wisely.

What Can I Expect From Relationship Counseling?

The first few sessions will focus on your history and the problems you are there to solve. Be prepared to answer questions about your relationship, your parents, your childhood, and relationship experiences before your current one. Your therapist will possibly want to spend some time talking to everyone together and to each member separately.

The way your therapy is going to go depends on the style of your counselor and the therapeutic approach they use. The most studied style of relationship therapy is emotionally-focused therapy, or EFT. EFT is based on attachment theory, and aims to foster healthy interdependency between members of the couple or family.

Other types of relationship therapy include Imago therapy and the Gottman method. Ask your counselor which method they are trained in and which one they think is most suited to your situation.

How Can I Help Make Relationship Therapy Effective?

Effective therapy depends not only on the skills and experience of the counselor but also on the willingness of the clients. There are many things you can do to make your relationship counseling more effective.

Be Honest

Do not lie to your therapist. Sometimes we lie because we don't want to be judged. However, your therapist's job is not to judge you but to help you. Stay honest, even when it's hard.

Prepare Yourself for Discomfort

Therapy can often cause discomfort because you are discovering new truths about yourself, not all of them nice or happy. Working on yourself requires that you sit with your discomfort and acknowledge that you need to grow and improve. Your therapist is there to help but ultimately is it up to you to do the work.

Listen to Your partner(s)

Whether you are doing relationship therapy with one person or a larger family group, it's important to listen to what others have to say. Remaining on the defensive and trying to reply to everything that others bring up about your behavior is only going to make things more difficult for everyone.

Put in the Time

Therapy happens just as much in sessions as between them. Your counselor might give you homework or ask you to try new patterns of communication and interaction in between appointments. It's going to take time and effort, but remember that it is worth it.

In the end, it's the work that all members of the relationship put in that makes a difference in the results of the therapy. Do not expect the therapist to be a wizard who's going to make all your problems disappear. Consult early, engage honestly in the process, and do the work.

By Anabelle Bernard Fournier

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insession-io · 6 years ago

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How to Help Your Child Study

Regardless of a child’s age or challenges, parents can encourage sound homework routines for a successful start to the school year.

Every cartful of new school supplies is loaded with promise: binders organized by subject, crisp homework folders and pristine notebooks. But for many parents it can feel like it’s just a short hop from those freshly sharpened pencils to a child in full meltdown over a barely started English essay.

You don’t have to let go of the optimism. As parents, teachers and tutors, we have some concrete advice for staving off the tears — for both parents and children.

Regardless of a child’s age or challenges, parents can encourage sound homework routines for a successful start to the school year. First, students should consider how to create organized work spaces, backpacks and lockers cleared of clutter and systematized for easy retrieval of important assignments. Second, nightly to-do checklists are a must to help prioritize and plan ahead.

But many students still struggle when it comes to homework. Their stress tends to be exacerbated by three primary challenges: procrastinating, feeling overwhelmed and struggling to retain information. Ideally, parents can help elementary school children develop effective homework habits so they will not need as much guidance as they get older. Parents who are not home during their kids’ prime homework hours can try out some of these ideas on the weekends and pass along the best practices to their caregivers.

For Procrastination

Reduce potential distractions. Many students finish reading a sentence, and then refresh their Instagram feed. Ideally, their phones should be nowhere near them during homework time. Or they should disable or mute apps and texting functions on the phone and computer while they work. We know this will mean a grumpy adolescent. But it’s a battle worth fighting. Establish a family tech-space where phones and laptops go when not in use. And model these boundaries by leaving your devices there, too!

Remember that consistency is key.

Kids ultimately thrive in the comfort and reliability of a structured approach to homework, so each afternoon they should follow the same steps in roughly the same order.

For Students Overwhelmed by Workload

Plan ahead.

It might be helpful for you to model the planning process, so your kids can see how you schedule a series of tasks. Try to make a point of letting them in on the process when you’re running errands, preparing for a trip or completing a project for work. Then take advantage of some set time (Sunday tends to work best) to plan the coming week.

Students should break down large assignments into more manageable chunks and then backplan from the due date, recording on a calendar what they’ll need to do when in order to complete each major task and its components.

In the early grades, this could mean reading a book by Tuesday in order to write a book report on Wednesday. By middle school, it could translate to finishing the research for a science project with enough time to make a compelling poster to display at the science fair. The more practice students get with planning, the sooner they’ll become self-sufficient.

Use time estimates.

Students should estimate how long each assignment will take and develop a schedule accordingly. Even if the estimate is wrong, the process of thinking through timing will allow them to internalize how best to proceed when juggling multiple tasks. It will give them a better gauge of how long future assignments will take and make the evening ahead less intimidating.

Begin with the most difficult task.

Most kids’ instinct will be to complete the fun or easy to-dos first. But they should start with the hardest work. Otherwise it will be later when, energy depleted, they begin trying to outline their term paper. Encouraging them to do the most challenging work first will allow them to devote attention and energy to the demanding assignments — then they can coast through the easy tasks.

For Students Who Struggle to Retain Information

Use a cumulative approach.

Memorize information in stages that build upon one another. When students are confronted with vast swaths of material, it can be overwhelming and difficult to recall. Suggest that they break it up into a series of discrete parts based on the number of topics and the number of days they have to study for the test. For example, students might divide a history test study sheet into sections 1 to 3. The first day should be for studying section 1. The second day, section 2. The third day, reviewing sections 1 and 2, before moving to section 3 the following day. This way, by the time students get to section 3, they haven’t forgotten what they learned in the first section. This cumulative approach reinforces retention of content through review and repetition.

Summarize with concise lists, identify keywords and use mnemonics.

A big block of text on a study sheet can be difficult for students to absorb and memorize. Instead, they should break the sentence or paragraph up into a series of points, highlighting the keywords and then creating their own mnemonic device to remember it. Sometimes the silliest mnemonics stick the best, and remembering the first letters of words will help trigger ideas that they might otherwise forget. (Remember the DR & MRS VANDERTRAMP verbs from French class, or Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge when learning musical notes?)

Employ visual aids and narratives.

Some students can best synthesize information by creating charts or other graphic organizers. Rather than feeling overwhelmed by writing several paragraphs with important information about how a cell works, for example, students might present the same data in streamlined form with a chart. Charts distill and organize numerous sources (parts of a cell) according to the same set of criteria (form, function, location), creating a categorized snapshot that’s easier to memorize.

Other students prefer narratives that link ideas to their context. Instead of trying to memorize various inventors, students could recall how they built on one another’s accomplishments. Most students thrive when both these approaches are used simultaneously.

Make study materials.

We know it’s old-fashioned, but writing out information helps commit content to memory far better than typing it. If writing out the material longhand is too onerous, kids should still create their own study sheet digitally, rather than borrowing one from a friend. The work of creating the study sheet is a crucial step in internalizing its content. Active is always better than passive studying. Most students benefit from being orally quizzed on the material so they can determine both the information they know inside-out, and what they still need to review. Online resources like Quizlet can work well to prepare for straightforward vocabulary quizzes, but is less helpful when it comes to tests covering more complex information. Most importantly, students should generate their own study material to make the most of using Quizlet, rather than relying on pre-existing content that others have posted.

How Much Studying Is Enough?

Some kids believe they’ll never be prepared, even after hours of studying. Others barely crack a book open and declare they’re done.

Use practice tests.

The best way to know that study time is over is when students are able to perform the task that will be asked of them on the in-class test, quiz or essay. Initially, children can review the material orally. They should write down any material they missed to help commit it to memory. Then, they can take a sample test from a textbook, or create a mock test with class notes, homework and study guides. When students demonstrate a verbal and written command of the information, studying should be complete.

Talk through these study habits now, so that on the first day of school, your child will not only have the requisite sharpened pencils, but also a plan of action.

Abby Freireich and Brian Platzer are the founders of Teachers Who Tutor | NYC and the authors of a book about homework to be published next summer.

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