inside-the-tardis

[inside-the-tardis]

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[inside-the-tardis]

It's because you're not organized

[inside-the-tardis]

An online study reference record

[inside-the-tardis]

Life

[inside-the-tardis]

Samui island vacation

This post is dedicated to a very special individual.

Someone who had the power to change the course of my entire life, based on my decision. He was a whirlwind to manage. He had the best hair and the best physical presence and intelligence, he was extremely Martian ruled and very boisterous, full of passion and blood and spatial intelligence. A beautiful beautiful being.

Now the Universe plays fair game (if you play a fair game) and I believe his purpose in life was to help me decide.

The timing was right and it was time for matriominal union. There was absolutely nothing wrong with either party. They both loved and cared for each other a lot, such that even in life and in death, their love for each other lived on. In fact they had known each other for many lifetimes before. They had scores to settle and wunds to heal together. They were catalystic toward each other and needed each other to navigate life and its decisions.

The Universe then said, keep him. Keep him and immerse yourself into a struggle of a different kind. Leave behind all your comfort, leave behind everything comfortable that you know - your land, your roots and relations, and trust him to embark on a journey wehre you will be safe, cared for, well fed and loved.

OR Or you decide to let go of this being, Hold onto your comfort zone (the illusion of choice. The comfort and roots and land were to be taken away anyway, just postponing), hold onto the relations that enrich you and hold onto your understanding of peace for a little bit longer, and focus on your journey.

Focus on your journey, and become Martian ruled yourself. Become him, become the Universe, but do so in isolation and take a lot of time and effort to become a warrior. & the choice tore me apart because I didn't even realise I was being maed to choose. The choice tore me apart because inside me was a child who was wounded and had made many mistakes without learning. Inside me this child had the power to upheave my entire adult life, throw tantrums and pout, because it was in distress, it didn't trust and was afraid to be abandoned.

The child did what it knew best. It struggled, it cried, it didn't feel good and often times, really hurt the Martian as well. The child only knew what it came from, which was essentially, a home of other, more wounded children, none of who had learnt their lessons, and had recieved only transactional love. Unfortunately the child did not know any better. Note from the author: and for this the child cannot be blamed, and for these actions the adult cannot regret the doings of the child. Herein lies the apathy of memory. Even if the child has made a mistake multiple times, in its misery it choose to self destruct yet another time. The Martian eventually felt exhausted. He felt unloved, used, taken for granted, and he realised he didn't need to feel that way. The Martian now decided it was time to leave. This worked well with the child because the child wanted the same, but was always torn apart by trying to make that decision. The child wanted the same, but the love for the Martian always brought it back to the present, into a game of ever pushing and ever pulling.

The child was (And perhaps, is) far too weak for a decision like that, and far too weak to let go of the Martian support. The Martian knew better and one day in the dead of the night, took his kettlebells and left. The child in me now had a mission.

Living without the Martian was difficult enough, but now to become the Martian? A through and through underdog story.

While the work remains to be in progress (You cannot embody the Martian overnight), a major chunk of the debt has been paid to the Universe. The debt was paid through isolation, through losing the comfort of the Martian, and simply through acquiring the strength of living alone. And even though the child was emotionally and physically very weak, and an addict to external dopamine, the child let go. This marked a major turning point in the life of the child.

A matrimony thus rejected, a way of life and a life path wholly condemned and hastily shortened to just two years. The child acquired some newer wounds.

The child also missed the Martian, but understood that it had chosen for itself a tougher life, a life of difficulty, a life of Martian theme so heavily to be embedded within itself, that it hoped the memory of the Martian wouldn't even have time to re-surface.

But the Martian lived on as another wound in the child.

And today, I, absolute child-like and foolish, wish to grieve and soften these wounds.

Yes, the Martian was everything.

But he was not here to stay and love. He was here to teach me to be Martian.

And whoever here says Venus is the sole significator of passiona nd love, listen carefully, for without the crazy impulse of the Martian, there would be no seeds to sow, no activities to copy and no ideals to be set. The Martian, in being himself had projected so much love which was so powerful, that it compelled the Universe to teach Venus that passion only works when used with wit, discipline, and good hardware.

I will always love the Martian, for instead of giving me himself, he taught me to meet myself, heal my wounds, and then fall in love with myself, thus, re-birthing the Martian in me. No more now do I need to look back in anger or hurt.

I had my very own Martian brewing inside me, and very soon the Universe is going to offer me a choice, once again.. A revisit to Samui island

No matter what occurs to us, we must be brave enough to be accountable and own up. Karma siddhant.

The Martian continues to teach me now, even after departure. He was more Jupiterian in his ways that I know, I will forever hold him close and know deep in my heart that he was The One That Got Away. Took me a long time to understand that I approached him with ego, and a sense of superiority, based off of nothing real.

It took me a long time to understand what he really meant when he called me selfish, but he continued to accept me the way I was, selflessly. He had a profound ability to love, I should know because I'm really difficult to love, and I made it even harder so, because I was hurting, yes, but also because I was not clear, coherent, assertive, or brave enough to speak my truth. It was because I had not yet learnt the importance of accountability, responsibility, and true connection and companionship. I hold him close to my heart because he has been one of my most important guides, and I mistook it for criticism, being harsh. Many times, justifyably so. I/m surprised it was not more frequent, I can be such a pain. You're always going to be a pain until you heal from what hurts you.

He also taught me some cool Martian skills, which I continue to hone and garner. Physical fitness, prowess and intelligence. Absolute gems. Every night I'm grateful for the knowledge, and all the sources of knowledge that I have been bestowed with.

[inside-the-tardis]

India

This word has very few positive connotations, no matter what the context. I come from the Indian sub-continent. Huge land mass, above the Indian Ocean, close to the Equator, with the Tropic of Cancer cutting through the country. I belong to the South West, close to the financial capital of the country, but not too close to be absolutely snubbed out. Poona, my home town. Not often that I get to be here - but when I do, I try to make the most of it. I'm one of those funny people- almost religious, that believes my roots, my beliefs and principles cannot be and Will not be compromised. No more. I also believe in the planets and the stars- and today is a monumentous day. It is when both the luminaries are in their signs of fall, and it is when, my Lord returns to his abode on earth. All folklore and tales- but symbolism is key here. Today Ihave etched into my skin - black and red- Saturn and Mars - parts of Mercury and Venus, to strengthen my bond with the Lord. From my Right hand, flows the power of the holy trinity- the destructor- the wine drinker the dead flesh eater the cannabis smoker, and he works through me.

[inside-the-tardis]

I calm myself down. I try not to look at the time. I have miles to go before I sleep. I shall begin now. Music plays in the background. I definitely loved living life, enjoying the moments I'm in. I begin to wrap up for my visit home in the next two weeks. I need lots of time to prepare. I begin now. I write as I sit in my bed, a million thoughts space past my head. So much to do, always so much to do. Immediately.

The chewing gum Im eating has begun to taste like crap, I'm eating nuggets, transported a long way. Making a new Amazon Prime account (dont ask) Ordered stuff I needed off Amazon (!!) Quitting my bad nasty habit once and for all - which is an extremely personal process & I know my tumblr is fairly private. Old 70s music plays around me. Its about 7am. I waste a lot of time not sleeping, not healing. About to go into a stress response so early in the morning. I need to take som time out to meditate, relax, breathe and eat. Then I get to work. No rush, no pressure. Just enjoying what we do - on a cold boring possibly rainy Sunday.

[inside-the-tardis]

I don't think anybody cares or reads, which I'm grateful for sometimes.

Though, I definitely needed to start paying attention to myself, read my own writing, talk to myself, feed myself , work on this body & mind.

I'm curious now more than ever about the body, and what it does. Strengthening my good old Mars, learning all I can about the human body, and taking care of my own now. Eating right, staying hydrated, adequate amount of electrolytes and. Strengthening my Saturn, learning about routine and confidence.

I'm convinced I need to be in the best form possible physically in order to move forward in life, and embrace everything I have found tough to embrace before.

[inside-the-tardis]

This life continues to be mysteriously unpredictable. Things happen that i cannot explain or account for, things that i cannot- or rather refuse to share until i understand completely. I have met so many versions of my soulmate. I'm still figuring out if each day that goes by, and the people i meet are here for change or here for companionship.

Seems like change.

Seems like I have a type- Pisces babies, loud, so juvenile, inconsiderate, and almost always already dating.

Go home my lovely.

Love it's natural & real, but not for you my love.

Not tonight my love

[inside-the-tardis]

The only reason two days of a weekend I get is because the other days couldn't match up.

May all life be like this. With movie to watch with fun to have. More fun to have, all life will come and go.

But here is my chance to do something for myself.

[inside-the-tardis]

So many things to do.

WRITE. write, write fiercely.

Write to live, write to re-live. Write to think, write to re-think. WRITE to hold on, WRITE to let go. Write to remember and write to forget

[inside-the-tardis]

Aap ki nazro ne samjha // Lata Mangeshkar

I sit here on a fateful Sunday, quiet and alone as Lataji's voice booms in the background.

Making lists, as I usually do.

[inside-the-tardis]

Time Jumps

From an emotional standpoint, as far as I recall and wish to document, there has been discord. Romantic relationship is restricting, it's selfish and possessive and has created more bad energy for me than good. Even the energy we surrounded ourselves with were always shadowed. True reconciliation happens in isolation together. Other events were merely for show and full of strife eye contact. The hobbies and habits we bonded over were of vice and sin. But in our hearts we were children, trying each best new thing. My favourtie of course was the motorbike, but there were many other things to admire. I must reiterate my toxic trait of not letting go and fear of being alone & insufferable.

and with you, it has always been a state of flux. A push or a pull. A beginning with many delays and hardships. But as I struggled to piece together much of what happened when we last met (two years this Hallows eve) as I know you have too. But I like to think that secretly on some days I have surprised yo u too and instead of only asking from you, I have also given you love and compassion, and a lot of good things to remember me by, though now I can only remember the sorrow and sadmoments. I still think of you fondly and reminicese. I hope your life is full, and I admire your companionship as a soul on a journey but you couldn't help churn my soul. I was still reeling from the loss of a grieved one when I met someone else and I went in with all my pre conceievd notions. It should have been differnt as life warned me multiple times that it was different now, but we take life as it comes, laid-back and easy, one thing I will not regret, my cluelessness and maybe ignorance? It would not have helped make me that girl I am today. I needed closure however, and his soul and God have always given me in kind. I never could forget and I never will. What happened after was a year long? or was it longer I forget now delusionship, where I coped with loss and gave a brief insight into my terrible psyche. Left loose, it was dangerous to even get drunk. The horrors of being perceievd for who you really are. But I persevered adn I'm glad I did. Many substances came in and paved the way and life was alright, it was easy and it held its own hardships. I may have come on too strongly and applied home rules for an away game. I had no business doing that. The delusionship ended, I had brief moments of clarity and conscious thought, but the aftermath seeped into my life like a wet dirty rug. My mindset at any point was not fruitful or compliant. I came out of the fever dream hungry, weak, maybe knowing better, with a lot of renewed heartache and so much stuff to throw away. Also had different ideas about my pre notions, which became neo notions but were still quite toxic.

Paranoia and anxiey also became normal. I had bursts of energy and productivity but only timed properly so to make no difference to my actual lifestyle. I was dealing with loss of friends, loss of family, loss of true connection, loss of home, loss of lovers and loss of time.

Today , I'm still dealing with that loss. I have grown around it but it still very much lives inside me. I have weird ways of dealing with trauma. I starve myself, I isolate myself, get copiusly drunk and high. Will stay unmoved for days, rot in bed, eat nothing, drink nothing, be a degenerate fiend. Tonight I rise from the filth. I sign out of Spotify and Amazon Prime, and I recognize my own insufferability and others' shortcomings too. I live and let live, in the true sense, and I don't allowthe past to bog me down. I dont believe in looking behind because that is how you crash into things. A forward approach starting today from this moment to always make it a point to look towards the future or working in the present. Working towards your hobbies, your needs and your aesthetics. All of which should be fulfilled. Nothing less shall suffice.

[inside-the-tardis]

Dealing With Loss

How do you deal with loss?

You know, of a loved one, or of an adored objeect?

Your strength and grace is fundamental to loss. I have this toxic trait of not letting go, even when I know it is good for me. I hold on to much, and writing about them is how I begin the process of letting go most times. Or maybe processing it. When I have people come in with physical pain I expect them to deal with it and the ones who are unable to, I'm harsh with them

How is dealing with loss emotionally any different? I need to be more accepting of the pain it gives me, and for once allow it to wash over me. Which does not always mean revisiting or rethinking or putting myself through it, but just processing it in different ways and truly letting go. I have always in my own small ways been creative about the process. Something will come out of it, like the mighty churning of the ocean. And just like the ocean of milk, my mind too can be calm oncertain days and story on other days. When I accept pain, I allow it to be the immovable object, the mountain to take root in the middle of the ocean and I allow the snake, the true liquid crux of poison to churn my mind. It is a culmination of all thoughts and feelings and episodes of happiness and grief. I mull over it and I come to embrace it in due time. In order to take control over the process I need to be the two sides of the team , in this weird game and design of mountain churning and not a tug of war between the two energies. There are always physical ramifications. I want to ponder and I want to write and I want to flow, but I'm also losing time, losing focus and getting dehydrated. There are and will always be many things in the material world to take care of but I find myselg pondering about the same things time and time again when left to my dvices. It is time then for me to be more in control of my thoughts and emotions, and find a way to regulate these, not just today or tomorrow but as a life skill, to hone and develoop and make better over time.

The tragedies will come. The people will leave. The colors fade, and almost every night, the Sun goes down. However, while most things may not come back, The Sun always also rises. Time is renewed. Energy and health are not promised, but merely parameters of how yesterday has been.

And life goes on, with background grief, and background music.

[inside-the-tardis]

My stomach is dropping.

Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head.

[inside-the-tardis]

An astrological reading

For the uninitiated obviously

A New Moon in Virgo just passed by, Virgo is in my 6H conjunct with my Moon and the North Node (of the moon). The north node is the shadow energy of the moon. Think of it as the face of the moon under an eclipse, and the eclipse shadow itself as the north node, comes about every 28 days and nights to swallow the moon. A New moon in Virgo happened on 17 Sept, and my body began to shed, it makes me think about the natal moon return in 6H Virgo, and how it is truly physically and emotionally in reform. A time for reflection and change, wherein the seeds of many future deeds were sown, and organically so. New Moon in Virgo 6H can mean many things, and let's piece this bit by bit and I'm open to suggestions. The Moon is your mother, the moon is milk & my White adidas. The shadow energy is my mother's health, spots in my clean house, food stains on my shirt, ., and the 6H in and of itself is never too good a thing. It speaks of your past deeds, and who can deny that they have looked at their past selves at some point and not cringed. I have yet to spend a long time recuperating.

[inside-the-tardis]

My middle finger always betrays me, in the sense that whenever you get too close it'll tell you my secret. What my favorite snack is, what my perfume of the day is and also whether I've been successful that day holding my ground against smoking.