insideoreoshack

[insideoreoshack]

4.28.2025

its so hard to feel wanted. i cant put into words how i feel. it just can be so weird, feeling like s ghost in you home. its like im needed but forgotten about until i am needed or until i actually make my presence known. its hard for me to believe that im cared for or cared about when the focus is always on carriema. theres nothing i can do about it. sometimes i just feel like im an extra burden, i stay to myself and i get nothing but distaste about my behavior and actions from them, when i interact somehow its an intervention and i have to help carriema. i exist upstairs and im assigned tasks to help her. im getting assigned things i dont want to be responsible for at work and at home nd still getting no recognition. i try to be a good personwith a good heart and i want to believe that i am one but, how can a family make you feel so undeserving. it feels like some sob story, i wasnt treated bad but i knkw its neglect, hyper independence was practically shoved onto me and i took it ans ran with it for me to be practically discarded. my tears are in vain. i almost wish i could breakdown and just have my crash out but it wouldnt work that way, i still have work tomorrow and have to be responsible for myself. i can pull myself together for the one day. i can try again for myself for tomorrow. i can refresh my room and my space because i can control that. i deserve a clean refreshed space the same way i do deserve the good things in my life that make me happy. i have built a world outside my family bubble that does make me happy and deep doen i know that they are all proud of me and happy to have me, inside the bubble and out but, i prefer to be outside the bubble. my room may be inside but it is mine and i dont need to let the negative energy of outside harm my space and affect how i feel and act in that space. i can be more cautious of speaking in my space but jt is still mine. i am dreading her sharing my space for those few weeks, but i am still strong and can avoid/ ignore her for as long as i need.

[insideoreoshack]

4.17.2025

me tryting to be a good sister even though she bothers me is insane when I somehow turn out to be the villain. all I wasn't one day is to know pure peace. if someone doesn't care for themself and you tell them something because they always revert to old habits and don't have a mind for themselves or well being at all what else is there to do? she should be in a home with someone taking care of her atp because shes always up her best friends ass but that friend has a job and she on the other hand isn't even working instead shes lying about taking her meds and just fucking eating sweets and drinking caffeine all day when she legit doesn't fucking need it because she sleeps in or can take a nap when she wants. being in the house with her makes me aware of my resentment towards her. i try so hard in everything I do and I try to take care of myself and lose wight and better myself constantly, I am in fucking graduate school and all I get is a wow from my parents, I work full time and I'm getting a fucking customer service award for just being good at my job like there is so much to be proud of for myself but what gets talked about the most? carriemas bad behavior because there's always something to talk about and then I'm the bad one because I don't help her or baby her or do fucking everything for her and kiss her ass, what the fuck does she do to deserve half of my attention? she gets literally everything and yet shes always fighting. the girl has no self-reflection or insight at all to her problems and sometimes I just want to be evil and beat some fucking sense into her because I swear if someone did when she was younger it would make sense but the internal rage I have to this family sometimes I would literally reartrangfe her jaw. all the comments they make about me is only about my size or when I have on makeup and they say I have a pretty face. i just don't know when anything will make sense in this house. if I could afford it I would not be living here that's for goddamn sure, but then again I don't know where I would go in the first place.

[insideoreoshack]

4.10.2025

i miss how pretty i was in 2023 i feel like im constantly not and it sucks bc at the same time i feel like i am ? like fuck the back and forth is exhausting but i just miss how my face looked and my body. i will get that shit back soon. i have to. i gotta create a routine or something to do better bc i can’t keep doing this. sometimes i wish i could make it all secretly disappear and just have my dream body. sight pity party of one in my brain constantly lately.

[insideoreoshack]

4.09.2025

its crazy how quickly my day gets ruined i wosh i had just went to work bc this bitch just wants to insert herself into my life and be a nuisance and sometimes i just want to tell her to have some fucking consideration and common sense bur it would be a waste of my goddamn breath tbh she will never understand or have any consideration for anyone she truly is a selfish person and i hopw i never end up like that towards anyone in my life and honestly she just triggers everything about me. when im around her i end up binging, and boy have i been binging extremely badly recently i dont even have a clue why bjt i need to get back on track. i just feel so ugh. i had this one day and just wanted peace but of course with carriema being home and bothering me it was taken away. i wish she could be normal but shes not in the slightest its not even like she was intentionally bothering me but all of a sudden im home and you wanna come downstairs ans want to workout when im home when you fucking never come down here at all for that and i said its okay for her to be down here ans do that when im not home but you wanna do it specifically on the one day i am? like what the fuck is that and then just being a weirdo and picking up dishes suddenly saying that she always does when really she never does it just all throws me off and rubs me the wrong way like why cant you just leave me alone i was just relaxing for myself and now im all tense again right when i was gonna lock in for school work. sigh.

[insideoreoshack]

4.08.2025

god i wish i knew peace fr or i wish i could go through life as ignorant and oblivious as carriema. likw she deadass was asked to do ONE THING today and waited until i got home to deal with it ans what was it? simply folding some laundry. thats all that was expected of her today. but no she uses her unemployment money to go get a fucking massage. bitch you arent even working wtf do you need a massage for? bc you lay around in bed too much doing nothing bc it isnt because of doing work around the house thats for sure. then to get an attitude woth me when you have been up since 7am and asked of this SINCE 7AM and probably didnt go anywhere til like 9or 10am you mean to tell me you couldnt have checked the clothes in that but wanna yell at me for how i put them to dry and that i dont put it in properly and spread them apart? in a tumble dryer… where they all get mixed around anyway… from the girl who thought scent beads went in the dryer instead of the washing machine… right like i would take your advice for anything. this is why i contemplate even calling oht of work bc if it was just my dad home ge wouldnt bother me itd be peace and quiet but her fucking loud ass mouth is so annoying like god i dont get why she cant shut up once in a while and she always always starts an argument about something bc she lacks any common sense of anything. like bro half your face is numb and youd think thats shut her up a little bit or make her quieter bc one side doesnt open but nope still bad! if not worse. i just wish sometimes i could come home and just have quiet. not hear anything. come home ande just be alone and actually get to relax. but i genuinely dont think i will ever get to that place.

[insideoreoshack]

4.01.2025

i wonder when my mom will stop talking to me about my weight its like she knows when im feeling insecure and she will say how other people look smaller and thst i should talk to them and find out like im not even close to that person to bring up their weight or anything of the sort so why would i spark up a convo about it. anytime she brings up my weight i just feel worse about myself.

7:46 pm now and how is it that 12 hours later and im just mkaing something to eat and my mom is still makig me feel likw shit about my body. like bro can i just make my pastaroni and not have to hear about what im eating or have comments made. somethings gotta be mixed up in my brain bc hearing it just makes me binge and feel worse than before its the worse cycle and i feel like im constantly stuck in it. on top of feeling drained and overwhelmed just by life in itself idk. i only get a glimpse of peace and relief when immby myself or with harry if im not listening to my brain honestly. anywhere outside of work and home is better. i thought i would grow out of feeling trapped at home but maybe im trapping myself i dunno. i hope to find the strength to persevere on my own and get through it all. i just gotta take my time through it.

[insideoreoshack]

3.27.2025

crying at work sucks and feeling like you will never enough dor anything sucks like you cant be a dramatic girl and be fat and ugly like pick a fucking struggle dude. i am in such an ugly phase of life and i genuinely feel like its showing. i dont even know myself anymore and i havent been liking who i am lately. like i have just been ao stressed and wanting to escape life constantly and i mean inly the bad parts of life that arent even actually that bad separately but maybe i am just not strong snough for it all and im not smart enough or good enough ans it all feels like too much i mean there are people who do more than me and seemingly handle it so well but i feel likw shit ans like i mistreat the people i love and find the easy way out and dont even care for myself the way i should. i feel so undeserving and tbats one of the worst parts. i wish it could be so simple as unemployment in school with a little internship part time but no its full time school and full time work to pay for school myself and living at home is getting no peace ever! no silence no peace no bliss and always hearing complaints always wanting to binge like youre 14 again sad in your room nd thats how ive been feeling lately and i dont know whats up with that. is it like a solar system thing can i blame the stars because i genuinelyfeel fucking crazy and i want to just distance myself from harry until this mellows bc god knows he does not deserve to deal with this at all. i dont even want to deal with this. i dont wanna deal period. i just wanna sleep im jusy so fucking tired of everything i dont want it all to end but i want a break.

[insideoreoshack]

3.25.2025

i hate it here and i want to to home i hate that theres no coverage bc if i work through my lunch im the bad guy right? but curlina be in her office lily is offsite bc keri made her go early instead of the afternoon which would have made more sense but whatever okay. nothing they do makes sense here. mind you my grade is pissing me off because that stupid funky professor pissed me off. like you graded me INCORRECTLY for at least two things i dont understand his process behind grading at all. like im not gonna let that B taint my GPA when im literally not even a full point from being at an A. All he has to do is adjust my grade for the final assignment 2 points ans i get a 90 in the class. im gonna fight this shit bc i deserve my A

~later: its midday now and the feelings above are still real but now im just wondering what its like to be rich and finacially free. i mean bc lizzo had time and money she literally had the body she wants now i wish i had money and time to do whatever i wanted like i know i wpuld spend hella time at first just relaxing until i feel like im bored of relaxing and wanting a routine again

like i dont think we should not have jobs i just think itd be nice to have the financial freedom to have my own place and downtime but no instead i have to be a fucking corporate slave and spend half my paycheck to my tuition and GOD KNOWS where the rest of my money goes deargod like i seriously want to knowi dont understand

bottom line is i wish i was rich and slim thick and highly educated but instead i am middle class poor whos lucky enough to have a job, tubby, sorta smart and mostly invisible (especially at home)

[insideoreoshack]

3.11.2025

crashing out here is way healthier than crashing out in messages with harry tbh. my life makes me laugh or at least my brain does sometimes. i dont know how im a real person at all but everything feels so surreal and i feel like im so put of touch with my career because im stuck in fuck ass customer service and what if im destined to be there forever? will i ever make use of my degree? how ironic is it to study the same shit i probably need for myself… i genuinely feel so much imposter syndrome and i feel like im losing motivation juggling everything i just wanna hideaway like this is all simple enough and people have done more than me and i cant even commit to stupid driving lesson bc i feel overwhelmed with everything else. my customer service experience can only take me so far and i have so much of it and yes it’s impeccable but what if im just not meant for anything? idk… sad brain fr it comes and goes in such moods and im just annoyed with parents now bc i wanted halal but bc my mom wanted to get on a different train shes gonna complain the whole time about having to wait for me and then wanting to rush home so i have to make something 🙄

[insideoreoshack]

3.08.2025

trying to do my homework is genuinely the hardest thing I am trying to do right now and I have no clue why? it feels like I have severe imposter syndrome the further I get into my classes like this isn't real and I don't know what the future holds for me, I guess I shouldn't be worrying about it too much but how can I focus on the present of school when I don't know where the work will take me or if it will be even worth it because I genuinely do not know what I want to do with the degree anymore. it feels worse because it feels like there's a barrier between my family and me, they don't tell me anything it's like I care but I don't and if I talk to my mom will she just think I'm selfish for venting, or even hear me out because there will be unsolicited advice before she even hears me out and I know she has enough on her plate as is. I mean she worries about carriema and everything else we have going on with the house and it all falls on her, so do I really need to add something to her list when I know she doesn't worry about me as much? I don't know it's like I constantly have these thoughts swirling in my head and there's no actual answer or anything I can do about it except focus on the present and make the most of what I'm doing now. maybe that just has to be the course of action and worry about other details later? that's the best solution I can provide without stressing out too much. I still do want to talk to mom but maybe that's not the most ideal action to take and them not telling me anything going on just makes me feel like I barely exist in the house like I appear and they look at me but it just makes me feel like a ghost in the house and it sucks. I enjoy being alone sure but the isolation when I know they're so close yet they only come to vent or when they need something done or need help is exhausting because it's like I'm a pawn, I feel like I have been on autopilot for so long when will I actually feel relaxed. if I even attempt to express any of this to anyone it will just be them making themselves the victim and I am somehow the bad guy because I don't come around or I don't want to talk about when I make the effort its never a mutual conversation to just talk, its always about carriema or something they need me to do. it feels like I'm constantly stuck in some form of limbo here, I'm always doing schoolwork or at work, and then after work I'm tired and with the little socialization I get they never want to bother me which I get I guess, they have some of the right intentions but the wrong executions. I truly don't know how to feel, describing myself earlier as a ghost is probably the best way I can put it. I'm here but only visible when they need my presence, other than that I'm just around and the toxic parts of me want to just hide out or not talk and see what reactions it will have but I'm afraid all my fears will be validated.

like all i can hear right now as I type this post is my dad and carriema talking about minuscule things that my dad doesn't even really care about because carriema doesn't have real problems to talk about, but they always entertain her and worry about her and it makes me feel like a child inside begging for parental attention or validation and it sucks to feel that way because its just childish. but even trying to heal the inner child and ake her happy its hard when you're in the same house and things just have not changed much in the last decade of living here when they are supposed to change, people are supposed to learn and grow and I have but is it enough and will I ever feel like I am enough for more than a day a time sporadically.

it's odd to say in reflection but a lot of things for my own well-being bubbles down to my family and specifically the relationship I have with carriema, I love my family but they don't even know me or what I like or hold conversations with me without escalating them. the relationship with carriema feels unmendable sometimes and I envy people who have a nice older sibling and grew up with that, at this point I should accept that she will always be my older little sister because I am the one who takes the responsibility for almost everything if my mom doesn't already claim it and all their ever is in this house is complaints. everyone feels so bitter and unhappy sometimes when you just listen to the interactions and its just sad feeling trapped in this environment every day, like sometimes I just wanna scream and tell them to just stop and get a life but I know its irrational so it all stays inside, and then it gets dumped here. cliche on the name insideoreoshack tho lol. thinking about a career and balance is so hard when you feel the same way emotionally as you did at 12 and 16 and 19 and then 25, twentyfuckingfive and I should be grateful I have friends and a boyfriend and a life outside of my home but then when those activities are done my bed is the only comfort I guess. i thought writing this al lout would ease my brain but now its al whirling more and I wanna order out food and binge and watch tv but maybe after I finish my homework I can reward myself with that.

[insideoreoshack]

1.15.2025

I don't feel any sort of way necessarily but yet it's like my brain won't shut up? I have no appetite for anything almost no motivation as well, I feel like I'm just on autopilot and quite literally just want to hole up and hide? I don't wanna be in public i don't wanna do anything but yet the world doesn't stop for me and I have to show up and i resent that. I wish everything could pause and i could disappear for maybe days and just not leave my bed and not be bothered by my family and just pause everything. in the ideal scenario, i wouldnt have anything to do, and its not like im feeling overwhelmed i am just so tired of existing, and even though there are things to be excited about i just still wish everything could pause. my head feels like a prison at this point where im just fine i guess... i cant even put it into words with a stream of consciousness which is insane to me because how can my mind be quiet and yet so overstimulated by my own thoughts at the same time. everything feels right and theres so much to be happy about and excited for so why cant i just let myself enjoy that, i am getting ahead the way i want to with my classes and work is manageable and i have things i get to do with my family and friends and my boyfriend and yet i feel like something is wrong simply by me being involved in all of it and isnt that so sad? i wish i wouldnt feel this way i wish i didnt have the urge to fall off the face of the earth for days at a time and iwish my head didnt hurt all the time from always thinking about these things. I cant even feel like these are normal things to share but i just feel so out of it and its not exhaustion or being stressed or overwhelmed i just feel like i simply want to do nothing. sometimes i get envious that carriema gets to do that all the time she doesnt even understand the privelge she has with that, there are no expectations of her from our parents or even herself, she has zero obligations and gets to do fuckall but my family seeks me out for anything and everything and idk i just wish i could have a few days to not see the world and just be at home without interruption of being sought out by my family. its an unforeseen reality of course and can never happen but boy it would heal my brain probably just a little. silence with my boyfriend definitely would as well because sometimes its so hard to leave when even just sitting quietly with him makes my heart and head feel so at ease, i guess love really is peace and its always comforting to know that even whenever i feel like this i have him, even if its only a thought right now i get to be with him and be his and that consoles me. i just feel like i need a break from all responsibility ever i guess... again unrealistic but it doesnt change that i want it. even ranting like this doesnt change a numb feeling im having, i just feel like a shell of myself that just peeks through and it sucks because i know if i talk about it to anyone i might just cry for no reason or cry without knowing why i am.

[insideoreoshack]

12.28.2024

this stupid house only knows me when they want me for something i swear how is it that my existence is an attack on my mom or sister when im just living and breathing. just sitting on the couch this morning and i have an “off putting face” i make breakfast and eat and then start feeling sick and then after my dad takes the rest of my food i quite literally throw up and take a nap wake up with diarrhea (gross) like i literally feel so out of it and so sick and no one in the house knows it mind you. i wash up and take a nap and then go upstairs to just check on them i go in the living room my moms immediately side eyeing me and instead of asking something then and there she waits until i go lay next to zuko and get comfy to call me again. and then when i do come out “my body language is aggressive and i don’t wanna be there” and all bc i say that her and carriema always do this bc they do she gets offended. yall mad at the fucking truth bc just bc im low energy doesn’t mean im not gonna help, all i fucking do in this house is help them with everything and then you get mad bc im tired and dont know anything of how im feeling. i literally have no one to talk to in this house and just feel so alone sometimes bc they dont even understand me or try to bc theyre stuck in their own little worlds with their own things to think about which is fine but dont try to project the narrative that im some bitter hag that doesnt want to help and im always so mean, like maybe if all the responsibility of helping was on me i wouldnt have a face or wrong body language but also the timing is so stupid why would you wait for me to vanish before asking me something? like youre dumb af for that one i was right in front of you for a few min and you had time to ask or call me over and then when i ask again after she makes me cry bc mom likes to get upset and have her way all of a sudden she doesnt need help anymore. they make me feel fucking crazy and just ugh i hate it here sometimes. they watch what i eat, what i do, the state of my room and my hair and complain when im upstairs too much or if im downstairs too much or out too much like what the fuck do you really want bro. i dont wanna hang out with people that are always wanting my help for something and to burden me with shit like sorry i dont think casual saturday morning convo is bills and financials when im not feeling good bc normally i really dont give a fuck its not like my mom has anyone else to talk to about that but getting mad at me bc i wasnt reactive this morning and saying ive been off-putting all day is crazy. so now ive been crying for the past 10min and have to muster the strength to tidy my room and sort my clothes before shit is said to me.

add: also the last post being exactly a month ago is insane timing this house is crazy and me ranting about it and being maybe over emotional idk is maybe period related not sure there. they depress me tho and mess with my ovulation when im supposed to be horny and happy and free they have me stressing constantly and crying and essentially hiding. it feels like age regression in this house constantly and sometimes i just dream of being out and how free itd feel. i cant even tell them good news about anything without them talking about carriema they just never care for my accomplishments or give me a moment they always make it seem like im running or something or that i need to do something to help carriema grow up

[insideoreoshack]

11.28.2024 cont.

last post cut me off guess im yapping

she isnt even trusted with her own money or credit cards, she doesnt clean her room or do anything around the house, she cant cook or do anything and shes not even expected to. but shes never reprimanded. only i am when i do the one occasional stupid thing. it makes me wanna be reckless badly but i cant afford that either.

- few moments later and i just wanna cry myself to sleep but idk if i can even muster the energy for that itll probably end up happening once i put my phone down i dont even wanna talk to anyone or say anything about this anymore but its eating away at me. no one even understands how much it effects me and i dont even think i know why, its just like im so easily forgotten around here by everyone it makes me afraid that it will happen with everyone else in my life. like if i just go away for a few would anyone really notice me? i doubt it tbh LMFAO

[insideoreoshack]

11.28.2024

idk how to feel this thanksgiving

i mean the day is almost over but i cant shake the feelings im having. im so thankful for so much but small things with carriema bother me so bad. i dont know how to fix this relationship it shakes me so bad and i just wanna cry because i just feel like a bad sister and bad person whos embarrassed by their sibling and i dont know asking her to change is maybe too much i should just be the one to change to just swallow this behavior snd tolerate it thats what my parents say to do

- its a bit later now and im just so tired of thinking and feeling restless the whole thing kinda disoriented me and just drained me i was supposed to write my paper today and do more homework but i just couldnt. sometimes i hate living here bc it just feels like im constantly living in the past and having to hide myself to appease everyone and i dont know if thats the best call to do before my birthday just hide and be independent like not ask anything from anyone and not do anything and just see what happens its not that different from how i usually behave actually so they may not think anything of it but i just wonder sometimes what it would be like to have my own place fully and not live here anymore if that would snap carriema out of it, its absolutely not feasible but still i wonder. sometimes i wonder how she can live with herself and that behavior, how someone could not want to change and better themselves and just watch the people they want to have relationships with hurt and watch how their behavior hurts them, but maybe she doesnt see it. she wont ever actually see how it effects me because im too stubborn to show her because no one has ever really expressed that they care about me or my feelings on most matters because it always goes back to carriema. how do i go to confide in my mom about this and she ends up defending carriema? how do i want to talk about how i feel and my mom tells me that i have a guilty feeling as im expressing a feeling of abandonment and longing for a real sibling relationship? how does it turn into me needing to talk to carriema after my milestone of a birthday that they probably arent even actually thinking about that hard bc now theres small problems with carriema. sometimes i just feel so isolated here and under appreciated for always wanting to do what i can for my parents but i know she takes advantage of that bc she never does anything to help them or express that she cares. i wanted to get them all something for Christmas but it really will just be like 200 dollars and the cream i usually get on amazon for my mom because fuck it. carriema can get coal they dont even know me to get me a gift they would think i would like, in her eyes im still like 9 years old but ive changed and my parents have too, carriemas the only one who hasnt and doesnt want to get help for it. im tired of broken promises from everyone in this house im just so tired of always being the bad guy because i want to grow and search for the best version of myself. i want to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good girlfriend. sometimes im afraid that im too much because of how expressing my actual thoughts to my family and their reactions they say i always sound so angry but i wonder why someone whos frustrated with what they’ve had to tolerate since they were a preteen would sound angry when their trust has been broken countless times. sometimes i just feel so lost, so stagnant and like i just wish i could run and hide away for days at a time from this house, sometimes from everyone. i genuinely think only harry and lexi would notice lmao but im also afraid of depending on them too much. i remember the days i used to wish i was invisible bc of how i felt at home i dunno how sad it is that those feelings resurface from time to time, its like ima ghost here. they care so much about carriema snd actively worry about her i dont know how to feel that they only constantly express how grateful they sre that they dont have to do that with me. my brain feels so jumbled with the thoughts that im pretty just typing a stream pf consciousness to just try and get it all out. i wish i didnt talk to my mom and say anything i should have left it alone and left her alone to be in ignorant bliss because nothing useful came out of it anyway. i was told to just stay out her away so my birthday can go smooth, i just said deal and goodnight. another blind win for carriema and she wouldnt have a clue how her parents advocate for her, i do one stupid thing and im practically in the doghouse but carriema is a spoiled brat who isnt -

[insideoreoshack]

11.19.2024

my brain feels so sad like i just feel tired. i wish i didnt have to work and be responsible and could just be unemployed and focus on school but then i would be suffering.

i just want some peaceee i wonder what its like to be rich and stress free sometimes LMFAOO

[insideoreoshack]

11.08

nah crying in the work bathroom is crazy after crying a little at my desk bc my reflection triggered me is crazy and i want to leave early bc i feel physically upset but im anxious to ask sigh its a battle

[insideoreoshack]

10.10.2024

i have no idea why i feel this way its like empty snd lonely and like no one wants to be around me evrr snd i csnt even fathom how my brain conjured these ones up when i know my reality and love it its like it tries to make me feel like shit on purpose just to see if i can push through it snd them im left feeling numb its pre pms week which is already hard as is but idk being stressed snd having plans doesnt help bc i have to figure oit clothes i feel pretty in and look skinny in so i can look and feel pretty enough to be with harry and his siblings i just hate being in my own my brain im so tired of like typing this on the train and forcing myself to ignore harry is bringing me to tesrs that im holding back bc i dont wanna dump this all on him atm bc i dont want him to think im guilting him into coming over and staying with me but i know he will see it eventually (hi harry) i just know i cant make convo rn without him getting suspicious but im just so drained from my own existence sigh

like knowing the reality and the truth and having to constantly go back and forth with yourself in your head so i dont self sabotage or give into the insecure thoughts or anything like that its just tiring along with worrying about day to day things that my mind puts too much pressure on.

shower thought addendum: i think my family doesnt even miss me because i have to be the one calling them or they have to be reminded to call me. it kinda hurts because its like the validity that they think im competent and independent but yet they dont show anything in terms of appreciation or missing me truly, and im kjust curious as to what they may bring me home bc they asked me so many times and i said i didnt care just becasue i dont know what i want but i think i have been their child long enough for them to just gfet me something id like. I dunno maybe its immature and i clearly have healing to do in regards to well everything, self awareness can only do so much.