inspectorheath

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Fez listened intently, not catching directly what she was implying but it nestled in eventually. He thumbed his hat up and straightened his spine so he was sitting somewhat typically but he still had that classic worrisome look in his eye. “Sorry.” He apologized, feeling so awkward that he averted his gaze. He scuffed his feet so he rolled back to the computer that was scrolled down deep and unremorsefully through digital files of watchdogs, some that he put in different tabs for later so he could look back on them. Realistically he was having some trouble with the systems, they weren’t too different to the ones back at Foglight, still, he needed to figure his way around things.

“It’s no big deal.” Patty didn’t understand why Fez took her correction so hard. “It’s like how a Will would get confused and maybe a tad unsettled if you started calling him Bill or Liam.”

Damn, they could both really use a topic change. She thought for a moment before looking over Fez’ shoulder and asking the question that’s been weighing on her mind ever since she walked in.

“Whatcha researching?”

[inspectorheath]

me: *turns on the light*

coworker who was sitting in the dark in front of a computer for who-knows-how-long:

coworker: *turns the lights on in the break room*

me in the corner who was sitting in the dark for 10 minutes:

[inspectorheath]

Good. Glad I could clear that up.

ugly but funny, so it cancels out

why are half of the asks I get either calling me ugly or the most handsome creature to ever grace this galaxy

[inspectorheath]

You’re like one of those scrawny, geeky guys people on this here website drool over. People either think you’re incredibly hot or look like a street-dumb loser.

ugly but funny, so it cancels out

why are half of the asks I get either calling me ugly or the most handsome creature to ever grace this galaxy

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Fez was up late yet again like clockwork. He’d been at the computer for an hour or more, which didn’t faze him, that’s what he preferred when he had time to herself, and his chunky monitor back home made him used to the harsh blue light that stung his eye welcomely. It was ghost-quiet, with only his fingers tapping each key snappily once in a blue moon to break the silence. He scanned through folders of countless watchdogs, searching but coming up blank in a few places. They laid back in the creaky chair of the file room, bringing his digits up to scratch his head. Then, once he heard the door open and the light switch hitch he tilted his head back to find Heath. He grinned widely and gave a delighted wave to her. “Oh, hello Mrs. Patty!” He greeted, using his heel to spin his seat around. “How’s it going? I didn’t expect you to be here so late.” He slouched. He was bizarrely unaffected by staying awake.

“Eh, I’m up when I’m up. Not even sure I have a twenty-four hour sleep cycle at this point.” Patty looked over Fez’

Then she paused to examine why that nickname felt off. Maybe it was because she liked her title. Maybe it was because most of the honorific-first name people she heard of were school teachers.

Now that she thought about it, Fez’ name had that format. Although detective certainly had a different air to it than the default titles.

After a bit she said, “You can stick to Inspector, Inspector Heath, Heath, Patty, or Pat. But Mrs. Patty just..,” She rolled her wrist as she picked out the right words to explain it,

“Well, doesn’t sound much like me, y’know? Kinda sorta like Patricia. Like some girly-girl elementary teacher pushing retirement who may end up pushing daisies first if she doesn’t sit her ass down soon.”

[inspectorheath]

Inspector Heath had just polished off a cup of joe when she headed off to the file room. Everything seemed normal. That is, until she saw a gentle glow coming from the frosted window and froze.

After a moment she remembered that she gave a dog explicit permission (along with a key) a few days ago. So... there was legitimate reason for someone to be in there after autopsy clocked out for the night.

Still, couldn’t be too careful. She tucked one hand in her blaster pocket before cautiously opening the door.

Patty could already tell who it was by the hat. She chuckled as she turned on the light and said, “You’ll dry your eye out like that.”

@detective-fez

[inspectorheath]

We should do karaoke sometime.

where are the angry women

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Fez listened intently to her life, blinking. “Oh.” He replied gently. Once he was handed the key he thumbed it back to front, frowning. Once she got up, he had the overwhelming urge to say something to her, “I bet your wife’s kids think you’re cool.” He said, remembering his own mother, which pricked beneath his skin and made his muscles ache. To distract himself, he thought of what he’d do when he left the Skullship, he’d probably get soft serve then go home to do his laundry.

Patty grimaced. She knew she said it first to emphasize the point but... Boy did “your wife’s kids” sting. Good thing she was still facing away.

“Mm.” She flatly said as her hands started flying across the keyboard. “Gonna work on putting my ducks in a row now.”

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Fez put his treat back into his pocket and swallowed. He began to speak. “Oh! Yeah, alright!” He responded with interest, he paused for a beat. “Was she stern with you?” He asked. “She’s always strict with me. Always like, getting on my case. There’s a joke somewhere about that, anyway but she’s definitely a card, everybody at the agency is on high alert because she is determined to get shit done even though she can’t keep up.” He blurted, reaching for a file. “But I get it, it’s basically just.. Her. Doing it all. Not to mention she has kids so I get it can probably be tough for her but damn, she bugs.” He rambled, thumbing through each folder absent-mindedly. "Anyway, what's first?" He asked.

The more Fez spoke, the more tense Pat got. So it seems that they’re in the same boat... only Burton had staff that should be doing their fair share.

“I understand how she feels,” Heath said while looking down at the table. “I have some kids of my own. Or, more like,” she paused to shrug. “My wife has kids. Dunno if they think of me as any more than a cool aunt when I only visit once in a blue moon.”

She was tempted to tell him that he better behave because she didn’t want to have to act like her. Instead, she said,

“First I’ll let you read over cases and figure out which of them contain possible leads. Lemme know when you’re done.”

Then she got up, moved all the black folders from the unsolved disappearances cabinet to the closed cases one, then locked that one amd came back to give Fez the key he needed before sitting down in front of the computer.

“I got some reports to catch up on in the meantime.”

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Burton laughed. “Yeah, good luck.” Her smile could be heard through the phone. “Oh, and be careful, he’s unpredictable.” She vaguely responded, then promptly hung up the phone. Fez stared at Heath, reaching for something in his pocket, he pulled out a granola bar and gnawed on it. It didn’t seem that his boss was mad at him, so he returned to his regular behavior, his paranoia soothed.

Heath scoffed. This hardboiled hardass didn’t realize how good she had it. A little extra chaos was worth having— however briefly— the second pair of hands she had prayed and dreamed for ever since she got this sorry job.

“Whatever..,” she muttered as she slid back into her chair.

Then Pat returned the case folders to Fez with the best disarming smile she could offer. “You’re cleared. We’re happy to have you as long as you need.”

[inspectorheath]

@sallybowl

(Previous) Sally sighed through the other side. “Yeah— Hi.” She replied, obvious stress in her throat. “Jason, get out of my office I’ve already told you! Go— I don’t know, sort through the file cabinet! I know you’re bored!” She sternly yelled away from her telephone, yet she was still audible. She huffed and replied back. “Yeah, Fez, wait what’s he even doing? What case is he solving? That dolt.” She rummaged through a folder, her small paws flicking through quickly which Heath could definitely hear. “Blah, okay.” She relayed. “His name is Fez Daniels Manuel, his identification number is one-two-six-seven-one.” She said, speaking quickly. “Favorite food? Grop, the guy eats out of my garbage! What doesn’t he like to eat? Cheese danishes.” She sighed. “Watch him for me, yeah? He’s a handful, give me a call if he’s giving you trouble—” She blinked. “Your name? Agency?” She asked.

“My name is Inspector Patricia Heath, head of the Hater Empire’ Skullship Criminal Investigation Department. He’s working on the suspected henchman serial killing case.”

Heath had to admit that she envied Burton. Must be nice to have an employee that’s bored because they ran out of work.

“I’ll be happy to.” Then she chuckled. “With any luck he’ll be too preoccupied to cause mischief.”

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Fez was floored, utterly horrified to boot. Fez was not only scared of Sally, but now intimidated by Heath. He trembled before her. His iris was shrunken in, and his hands gripped the table tightly. Authority, his greatest fear. “Yeah! Yeah, whadd’ever you say! Uh-huh!” He nodded, scrunched up in his seat. Then, Heath’s phone rang. Fez yelped and nearly fell out of his chair. That must be Burton.

Who... reacts that way to an offer to go to the arcade? Especially when the very reason he was here was incorporated into it?

Fez’ behavior reminded her of how her eldest daughter acted when she came to live with her and her wife. (Well, mostly her wife with how her job kept her on the Skullship.)

She was wondering if it would be a good or bad idea to offer a comforting pat when her phone rang. Then she stood up— while taking the case folders with her— and walked to the other side of the room while concealing a triumphant smirk.

“Thank you for your prompt reply, ma’am. Please verify Fez’ employment with his name, ID number, and favorite food.”

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Fez swallowed the lump in his throat and immediately sat himself in the chair he threw himself out of earlier. Trembling like a kicked hound. He stared at her, wide eyed and anticipating. Almost immediately it went to voicemail, the most likely probability being a hasty hang up. A woman's voice ran through the speaker. “Hello. This is Chief Burton, head of The Foglight Agency.” She huffed. “If this is Fez calling about something idiotic or another officer please contact me at another time! If you are reaching me to report something, please call the emergency number listed on our website. If you’d like to schedule an appointment please dial the next number below mine. Goodbye.” She spoke quickly, as if she were doing something else. Fez sheepishly stared at Heath, a nervous grin plastered across his features.

As someone who had been on the other end Inspector Heath could tell when she was about to get hung up on. So once she heard “if this is Fez calling about something idiotic” she briskly said, with an equally brusque tone,

“Inspector Heath: Head of Skullship Police. Need background check verification. Don’t make me come over. For your henchman killing case.”

The implied threat, if Chief Burton heard it, didn’t do squat. Although Heath soon realized that it was because she was only listening to the answering machine. The instant the beep sounded she repeated herself, but quicker this time.

“Inspector Heath: Head of Skullship Police. Need background check verification before Detective Fez gets henchman case documents Call ASAP or I’m giving him full run of the arcade. Yes, I’ll bill ya by the hour. Yes, his prizes will be mailed to your agency. Good day ma’am.”

With that she slammed her phone down on the desk to get that old fashioned hanging up sound. Then she flipped her phone over and pressed the hang up button. Her heavy duty, bevelled case protected the phone from any real damage.

“So!” Patty stood up and stretched. “Ready to investigate the dancepad disappearance?”

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Fez went a sickening pale color, he scrambled to right his wrongs, darting up from his chair and scuffling to empty out his pockets. “Hold it!! Wait! Wait, let’s not be— Ha-ha, okay! You win! You’ve won! My name is Fez Daniels Manuel, I work for The Foglight Agency, Private Investigators!!” He took out his identification and flicked open his wallet, displaying his credentials. “I’m sorry for prying!! I’m sorry! You want to know more? I listen to angry women sing about their feelings in my cruiser! Uh— I eat stuff out of the trash all the time! Like, a lot! Please don’t be mad at me. I'm doing the best I can! Don’t tell my boss please, she'll fire me!!” He yelped, speaking quickly, frantically pleading and begging with embarrassment mixed with shame. He tightly interlocked both of his hands and screwed his eye shut tight. A pathetic mess. All he could think about was his chiefs infuriated face and words waiting for him back at the agency.

Inspector Heath stared at Fez for a moment before hanging up and telling Commander Peepers to ignore that call. Once she was done keeping her own boss from yelling at her she quickly jotted down both Detective Fez' name and agency in a little notebook. Then she absentmindedly grabbed his wallet, removed his identification to ensure that it was legit, and snapped a picture of both sides before tucking it back into his wallet and placing it back on the table.

Hm. In hindsight, she should have said something to assuage his anxiety before he embarrassed himself. “Don’t worry,” she curtly said while plugging his name and agency into the search bar, “I didn’t listen to the personal details.”

It only took a minute to confirm that both he and the agency existed. And some of these reviews sounded too hard, to detailed to be fake. “You’re not in trouble. At least...” Heath paused to dial The Foglight Agency’s number, “...not as long as you’re telling the truth. Now hush.”

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) Fez squinted. “Oh, I’ll give you my credentials, just do me a favor really quick and roll up your sleeve.” He pointed a finger toward her arm, his anxiety at its boiling point. Usually, he avoided confrontation, but he was fueled by his emotions to start his accusations.

Inspector Heath squinted right back as she slapped her hand on the folders and dragged them back towards her. She put them behind her back before taking off her jacket and rolling her dress shirt sleeve up. There was an armlet with upside-down pockets lining it, each with a clasp to keep the contents from spilling.

“Are you happy now?” Heath flatly said while giving Fez a side-eye. “You do realize that I was about to let you read confidential government documents, don’t you?”

“And here’s an insider secret: The background check is usually a quick internet search and one of those weird people look-up sites.” She paused to show him her screen, which simply showed a search engine waiting for input. “All publicly available data.”

With that she dialed a number on her phone and waited for the other end to pick up. All while keeping a close eye on the so-called “detective" in her file room.

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) The hair on the back of Fez’ neck stood up like a dog's hackles. He inched towards weariness by the second. “Why do you need to print me a keycard? I should just be in and out of here.” He asked, trying his best to look intimidating.

“Really?” Inspector Health flatly asked. “You’re only here to look at records? Not even gonna check out the ship?”

Patty’s true feelings showed when she let out a deep sigh. Perhaps she had been too presumptuous...

But she quickly recovered her impersonal demeanor as she briskly said, “Still gonna need to run a background check.”

[inspectorheath]

@detective-fez

(Previous) “Why?” He asked, eyeing her phone. He might be an idiot most of the time, but he was hired for basically one thing, due to his paranoia, he had a hidden crazed intuition. He felt that something was wrong.

“Because I need to do a background check before I get the boys to print you a key card.” Inspector Heath casually shrugged. “Standard security policy, y’know?”