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you don’t have to shape your (online) identity around your disability or mental health if you don’t want to. saying “i accept myself the way i am” and then refraining from talking about it online to a bunch of strangers isn’t ableism. saying “i accept my disability” and then deciding you’re also an artist and a teacher instead of a ‘disabled artist’ and a ‘disabled teacher’ isn’t ableism. you coming to terms with yourself is personal and your self acceptance journey is personal and deciding so isn’t ableism. don’t let anyone tell you how to live with yourself and how open to be about yourself online because that’s none of their business.

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hii what are signs of a toxic person?

hey there! here are the most common signs / red flags i know of. a person might be toxic if:

⌁ they get jealous easily → they don’t like you growing closer with others, and may want you to not have other friends and relations aside from them. this might be paired with the sabotage of your relationships by, for example, pitting you against people (in extreme cases).

⌁ they try to control you by guilt tripping you → “if you cared about me you would do this for me. if you loved me you’d listen to me. don’t i matter to you? doesn’t my opinion matter to you? don’t my feelings matter to you?” this is taking advantage of you. they’re trying to use your good will, caring nature and love for their own gain.

⌁ they elevate themselves by bringing you down → backhanded compliments, making jokes at the expense of you, putting a negative light on you when with other people; it’s all an effort to make themselves look and feel better next to you. they’re jealous of you and are unable to be proud of you. they always need to compare and do that by painting themselves as the good/funny/smart/nice one.

⌁ they victimize themselves and can’t admit their mistakes and faults → they like to share past experiences in which they were treated badly and cannot admit that something they did was wrong -- and if you point that out or try to reason with them, they’ll say you’re targeting them, too. they also won’t show much regret for hurting you or being distant, and they will never apologize sincerely for something you express has been uncomfortable for or hurtful to you.

⌁ they make you feel nervous (are unpredictable) → toxic people are often unpredictable. of course, nobody is predictable, but you should be able to trust they’ll express their emotions in safe and healthy ways. toxic people are unpredictable in the sense that they can yell at you over tiny things or completely shift their mood. you’re always on edge and unsure about how to approach them and act when they’re around, in fear of being shouted at or belittled.

calling someone a toxic person is a serious and pretty big accusation, but it’s also about the way you experience the relationship and are affected by it. toxic relationships: drain you mentally & bring you down instead of building you up. i’d say, the second you feel like you’re unsafe and unhappy, it’s a relationship you should walk away from. (and don’t be afraid to ask for help doing so from people you love and trust.)

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It's an open notes test and some dense motherfuckers still can't figure out the answers.

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there’s no rule as to how big or how small you’re allowed to dream. if you just want a small home and an orange kitchen and four cats that’s just as reasonable of a goal to work for as a big new york penthouse. and if all you really want is a simplistic career that isn’t the center of your life then that’s just as valid as dreaming of becoming a famous fashion designer or ceo. i know everyone keeps urging you to dream big, but dreams can be as simple and small as you want. they’ll always be valid. you decide how you want to live and what kind of life you want, no one else.

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A soldadera in the Mexican Revolution, 1910s

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i feel like people forget that sometimes characters in fic are written like that because it's a reflection of real life.

people have sex without setting boundaries. people have unprotected sex without talking about their sexual histories or producing recent sti tests. people play with kink without discussing it ahead of time or establishing a safeword. they have anal without 'enough' prep or lube—they may even prefer it like that.

and none of this is really a fantasy. it's all pretty normal. you can feel that it's inappropriately normalised, and you'd probably be right! but it is normalised: one study found that 58% of female undergraduate students on the campus studied had been choked during sex. 20% of those students said that they'd never been asked if it was ok; another 30% said they'd only sometimes been asked if they consented. fully half! (non-paywalled journal article on choking during sex here, including these numbers.) despite a rise in stis of all sorts, condom use is declining. (pdf link to the full text of this study about declining condom use in the us; aidsmap article about an australian study with similar results.)

even when people do talk about things—sex or anything else—they communicate imperfectly. 'yeah, but don't go too far' is consenting and setting a boundary, and also relying that the person you're talking to has the same metric for 'too far' that you do. for some people, 'the trash needs to go out' is a neutral, factual observation; for others, it's a request that the person they're speaking to take out the trash.

even when people understand each other perfectly, people react unpredictably to things sometimes! we behave irrationally! people laugh uncontrollably at funerals, or get angry at the straw that broke their back rather than the enormous load they were already carrying. they get scared and lash out at people trying to help them. when hurt, most people do not instinctively reach for therapy-approved grounding exercises and 'i feel' statements.

pretty much any bad choice that characters could conceivably make is a choice that people make in real life, on purpose, all the time. people do things that can have catastrophic, life-changing effects because it felt like a good idea at the time, or they're leaning into the vibe, or they just didn't think about it all that much, or an infinite number of other reasons.

fiction isn't intended as a guide on the best, safest, and most responsible ways to live your life, and fanfic isn't any different. it's not a narrative flaw to let characters do things that are messy or harmful or downright stupid—it's a reflection of what people are actually like, and not something that authors should feel they have to apologise for.

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shoutout to TUMMY. Big shout out to CROP TOPS!! Hell!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!

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new interview with joe keery for NME

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being a female means avoiding eye contact with men to not draw attention to yourself as a potential target

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was talking to my gf about my fear of dying young for being trans and my mom putting my deadname on my gravestone, and she said "i hope that never happens, but if it does, i will carve your name into your grave myself if i have to." and i think theres something extremely raw about that sentiment and trans community in general. you can kill only our bodies, but you cant kill transsexuality

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That’s why any and every son-of-a-bitch we find wearin’ a Nazi uniform, they’re gonna die.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009) dir. Quentin Tarantino

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(via bookshop, bookshop)