intothevoidxo

[intothevoidxo]

I'm working on sticking up for myself more. Its an inside job first though. I defend myself against my inner critic. The more I do that the stronger that voice gets, the one that protects me and loves me. I love who I am,flaws and all. I'm excited to see where I'm going and I'm grateful for where I e been. I don't have to do anything I don't want to, agree to anything I don't want to.. be a part of things I don't want to. Getting better at saying no and fuck off every day. I am so proud of myself

[intothevoidxo]

Day two of trying to stay curious. That universal feeling of feeling socially awkward about everything I say or every movement. I want to be fluid and charming and sociable and be able to tell good stories. I really admire my friend for being such an incredible story teller. I love being with them in groups, hearing them tell stories or know just how to capture a room. Its really beautiful. They are great with people overall, and they're honest. Which I also really really admire. After social interactions the bug gets in my head telling me that everyone hates me and that I'm taking up too much space or not enough or taking it up in. That's I'm too shallow OR I talk about things that are too personal. Its interesting how when I think about my own thoughts I see how I see myself failing at every interaction. I think I did pretty well concidering I was so anxious. I was feeling like I needed to know all these things or that I didn't understand or that the dynamics caught me off guard. But I have to just let the unknown be the unknown. When I feel like I'm taking up too much space or I'm feeling energetically off balance I try to just listen. I try to fight the feeling and stay present. God give me the language to ask the right questions, and to know which ones are for me to keep to myself. This feeling of, like social inadequacy is my work to work on so I work on it. I want to know what others think but I think that I just need to work on this by my self. Help, support, someone to talk to about it, or someone who has had experience with these feelings would be helpful too. Like where do I go to get honest and good and in formed advice. I'm tired of feeling inadequate in public, I want to tell wonderful stories and I want to figure out how to love myself and the people around me with love and proper pay. Lmk p

[intothevoidxo]

It’s been a minute since I’ve written. But I’m here. That’s what matters. What do I write about. Matters of the heart I suppose. I watched a movie today about a girl and her want to create. She writes and reads. She meets a boy who makes violins and is very hard on himself. He wants to pursue violin making as well as be a violinist. The girl feels so insecure, and her fear of not being good enough for the boy overwhelms her. She fears writing because she believes that she isn���t good enough, even though those around her tell her that her writing is amazing. The boys grandfather shows the girl a geode. He tells her tha5 we are are all like geodes, especially artists. We have to dig for our gems, and once we find them, we must polish them. Some stones are more valuable than others. However, we choose what stones we polish. I think that was one of the messages of the story. That we all have gems inside. This makes me think about my gems, my art, my writing and how important it is for me to keep doing the things that feel like living to me. Writing is one of those things. Painting, drawing, exploring. These are all ways that I find myself taking my mind off of anxious thoughts and feelings and I bring myself to the depths of myself. I can be an intense person when all of my energy goes towards “figuring” people out, trying to make people like me, or prove to that I am a good person. I would like to inspire people to be their truest selves. I would like to inspire people to make art honestly , and not care what others think. I would like to encourage those around me to use art as a tool for processing and not just producing. But first I need to practice these things within myself. I need to teach myself that my art, my voice and my life are important in order to teach others the same. I often wonder if I pursue my dreams, if that is enough, if I am doing enough. The world burns and dries around me it makes me cry, and worries me beyond reason. I want to figure out my sacred calling so that I can support those around me in my truest form, not as what I think people would like to see from me. I feel myself moving closer to this all the time. I feel myself feeling sturdier and more sure of myself so often. This makes me really appreciate the times where I felt so unstable,so messed up that I had no other choice than to jump into the void. That pain taught me so much. That uncomfortability taught me so much. I know now that I’ve always been enough. I know now that I’ve always been the perfect amount of me. That is an exciting feeling. There are so many ways that I can feel less than, defective or insecure , but at the end of the day, these are all feelings, not truths. I build my hearts foundation on this. That I am the perfect amount of me, because I am me. The anxiety I feel about having wasted time feeling like I’m not enough is still me being whole. I appreciate the parts of myself that tried to figure things out, to try to figure out how to feel whole, how to feel present. I am grateful because I see myself now and I feel like water. Same substance, different forms. And it’s exciting that I am already enough, because that means that anything more is a blessing, a lessoN and a colorful expression. I’m on my way. When I am with you, I am abundant. Because I am always with you, I am always abundant.

ZULAY

[intothevoidxo]

[intothevoidxo]

[intothevoidxo]

Unicorn of The Meadow

[intothevoidxo]

[intothevoidxo]

[intothevoidxo]

yes babe your final form is so horrifying and uninterpretable by mortal eyes <3

[intothevoidxo]

autumn is really like. i brought you some sunlight from when you were 10. didn't the world feel so bright to you then? i'll drench your hands in syrupy nostalgia, so everything you make is stained bittersweet. i'll ruffle your hair with an ice-kissed breeze--it'll be the kindest touch you've had in years. you finally feel like a part of something grander. i'm the last warm hand you hold before winter surrender.

[intothevoidxo]

[intothevoidxo]

the horrors may be unrelenting but motherfucker so am i!

[intothevoidxo]

[intothevoidxo]

[intothevoidxo]

being overstimulated is like. the colours hunt me for sport and sound is the same as the texture of wet noodles in a sink

[intothevoidxo]

my ultimate fantasy is having a brain that lets me enjoy being alive

[intothevoidxo]

July 2, 2022 at 11:16AM