intricacy-cycle

[intricacy-cycle]

feeling so down. heart’s damn heavy.

teachers, centre head called about son’s developmental. yeah, he’s a slow kid. sighpie.. we’ve gotta work even harder. but without support from the dad is like making me mad. super mad. seriously just donate sperms & don’t care??? for no reason, 冷暴力!!!!!!!! what did i do to deserve this yahhhhhh. u keep asking me for money too. i never give meh?????? i asked from u, all i got is NO MONEY LIAO. WHATTHEFUCK.

the whole situation rn is like we are better off without each other. 😒😒 i really don’t know. i really purposely do all those shitty, rude stuffs cause i want u to help lah. HELLO, you’re also the parent right??? why am i doing things like a single parent????? i think i should just be don’t bothered to update u about your kids cause you just don’t seemed really bother anyway. 😒

[intricacy-cycle]

seriously think i’m going mental. or rather i’m mental now.

whacking my son with no remorse feelings at all. WATDAFUCK. i think i need to see a doctor. HAHAHAHAHAHA

[intricacy-cycle]

i really don’t deserve all off these. i’m sorry.

feeling so depressed. how on earth did i choked up so many transactions again? 😭

kill me pls.

think i need to have bread for lunch too now. 😭 save save save.

[intricacy-cycle]

son vomited = my fault. “i shouldn’t have helped u”

what did i do to deserve all this? 😒

why i off the lights? because u said something that triggered me lo. “so hard to communicate with u”

i want to find his milk bottle cover so i could wash his milk bottle & sleep mah. i’m wrong? wrong way of finding? 😒😒 i really don’t know.

so son cried & whined. he WWE him. continued crying & then vomited. wtf.

then the “i shouldn’t helped u” come. why like this one? ☹️ i do wrong? why don’t u think is what u said that trigger me? or what i said before what u said trigger the whole chain of things?

ok. so i changed everything myself. no help from u expect u took the blanket to wash off the vomit & throw it into the machine & wait for me dump the rest of the sheets.

why don’t i get this: u sleep, i will wait for the dirty linens to be ready & hang them up.

instead i got u talking over the phone.

i wanna die. pls.

[intricacy-cycle]

everything is just getting more & more negative. i came back here for a better life but apparently it went downhill. worse than when i’m living across the borders.

MONEY MONEY MONEY. AS IF IM TRYING NOT TO REPAY? i also need money for my staples right? 😳

[intricacy-cycle]

it’s getting more & more stressful to be alive. most of the time i’m just feeling so so so negative. i can even just cry for no reasons.

the amount of negativity in me now... taking care of my son is such a stressful matter. 🥺

[intricacy-cycle]

朋友努力的赚钱回大马

我却努力的花钱留在新加坡

[intricacy-cycle]

it’s getting harder & harder to live by each day. as my relationship deteriorated further with the hubs, it just gets harder.

cause i’m stucked in between. as much as i am trying to even things out but nothing works. he decided to take on a higher (more difficult) job so that he can avoid my family as much as possible. plus, he’s looking out for a rental room for himself cause it just sucks to stay at my place now. 😢 what did i do to deserve all these? i think i have lived my life too brainlessly for all these years that i’m so weird.............!

help?

PS: i looked like an idiot sitting down at my void deck thinking of what to have dinner. cause i really don’t know what to eat alone. 🥲

[intricacy-cycle]

why does my husband have to ruin my 2020 christmas? as much as I am trying to compromise, nothing seems to work out.

now he told me he wants to take a 2 months NPL back to Malaysia. seriously so much money to use much? 3餐都有点难过了, 为什么还要花不必要的钱呢? guess I need to take back the credit card so that he knows the urgency?

next, (again) he mention that he wan any bring our daugther back to JB? ���样做不就我的家人赢了咯? because that’s the reason mah? no? Matthew will be going to school in 2 weeks time, left meimei. go back, bring his mother down to take care. 下到来了也不是要谈条件? must together with the LT. seriously, he thinks that she can take care of her alone meh? answer is no leh. afterwards, will have so many stories too.

WHY WHY WHY??????

why do we need to rely on others to take care of our kids?

[intricacy-cycle]

19.12.20 - when the hubs decided to not wear our wedding band.

i naively thought that things would be better when we came into Singapore. but i was wrong. things got worst. with all the indifferences & weird living habits that my family have, it just makes things worst. my family would just screamed non-stop at my son & daughter cause they are busying running & crawling around. it just broke their lines cause my house filled with untouchable junk. mum seems ok, but not others. especially my elder brother. he’s got weirdest living habits that one could have i swear. now i know why my hubs thinks that i’m weird too when we first got together. haha.

actually i just want to live a simple life. can i know why is it so difficult to do so? kids grow up, roam freely, go to school. that’s all. i want my own crib now too. rental flat pls come soon? 🥺

[intricacy-cycle]

maid is coming. privacy invaded. why can’t she sleep in the living room? fuck. already one room 4 pax right? 😑 what the fuck is wrong with my brother thinking?

now i’m stucked in between. rental flat can u come faster? 🥺 i need to be independent since i’m being walked out by my family.

goodbye. 💁🏻‍♀️

[intricacy-cycle]

i just want the both of you to grow up happily & healthy. that’s all mummy wants. ❤️

[intricacy-cycle]

我真的不知道怎么活下去了... i don’t know how to carry on with my life anymore...

the thinkings are so different. and there i’m stucked in between. 孩子是我生的.... why must u bring them back to JB? it’s our responsibility isn’t it? they are not balls to be kicked around. what’s so good about them being there? ya, i also want our me-time but i do feel guilty also to just left them behind with the two old mothers. perhaps when they’re older, things will be much better?

i thought coming over SG could at least solve some problems. but then, it’s like totally opposite(?). ya, my mother old. but can’t help me take care while i am working mah? work also wrong, don’t work also wrong. what should i do?

i already enrol Matthew to school what. only left Kyrra. still cannot? and now i think the only way to be able to keep Kyrra with me here, is school too. i should have done it that day. stupid me. 😭 seriously hire maid so good? my high ego husband totally wreck it(?) with my whole family chasing me away back to JB, really heartbreaks me. cause i thought they were family but actually is just burden. thanks to their selfishness. however, i can’t. cause i need a job.

next... debts. piling up higher and higher. 🤦🏻‍♀️ i really don’t know how to pay finish off liao. 看來只能做一輩子的卡奴了... 花钱真的不眨眼. 要就是要. 不能等. 只要有工作就可以了... 如果我没有卡怎么办？吃大便？😒😒

now i pray hard we can get the rental flat to stay for the time being. pls god help me. 😭

[intricacy-cycle]

只有我会讲错话? 你就没有?

[intricacy-cycle]

just wanna write something to just vent out my thoughts...

while i’m happy to find a job. at least i’m away from the kids awhile instead of going bonkers anytime. thanks mum. really! i love u. (though u don’t get to see it)

next up... i’m so scared about the amount of debt that we have incurred. 10s & 10s of thousands. 😭😭😭 why is my husband so chill? actually i wanted to enroll my kid this month just to get over it. but as i looked at what’s left... i can’t even enroll leh. cause not enough money. wtf... are we that poor? few hundred bucks only leh. fml. can’t even afford. omg. 😭 i guess i can only pushed to next month. praying hard that there are still availability. 我真的好害怕.. i just don’t want the debt to keep going. i can’t pay. with my peanuts salary... i really don’t know when i can pay finish them. can’t we just 收紧腰带然后过一过? as parents of 2, i think i’m very fail leh. no money at all sia. all asking for money. really adulthood is killing me. 😭😭😭 i think i just wanna die....

[intricacy-cycle]

when the hubs don’t even wanna message u a single thing.... we are like 400km apart these 4D4N but nota single message from him even when i iniatied small messages like “morning hubby / goodnight hubby”. NOTHING. just blue ticks ..

it just feels like there isn’t any love between us anymore. ☹️ i just hope i’m not just a baby making / taking care machine. 😒 i know i’m a burden to him cause i couldn’t work but accident happens? 😢

i just hope things improve when we meet the next few days.

[intricacy-cycle]

it’s so suffocating to be staying between two countries. i can’t breathe anymore. 🙁🙁