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[iovochampagne]

3/5/2018

It’s been a month. It’s been a draining, long month. But to look back at where I was exactly a month ago, some things changed, others haven’t. First off, I still cried my eyes out, I still called, I still felt sad and empty. But, I have grown a lot and I shouldn’t be so hard on my self. Which is one of the many things I still need to work on myself. A month ago, as tipsy as I could of been off 3 margaritas, I was so happy and energized. I remember kissing you at a stop light, telling you I was ready to be Facebook official, I was ready to take this further. You had been going through hell, you had been depressed, you had gone through so much. But I saw your potential, I saw what you could of been, I saw how you could potentially be a great man. Because under all that sadness, heartache and stress, you are a great person. You are loving, caring, passionate and you are nothing like the monster you’ve turned into today. Regardless, I was ready. I was ready to move forward, leave our drama and immaturity in the past. Grow together. Be happy together. Be successful together. I wanted to help you heal, I wanted to be the one who stood by your side and held it down for the both of us until you got your shit together. But that didn’t happen. Tipsy me, looked through your laptop messages and there it was, one of the most terrifying, heartbreaking and most horrific conversation i’ve ever read. There it was, you telling a girl how “hot and sexy” she was, to send you more, the heart eyes, the winky faces, the most sexual and disgusting thing I’ve ever read. I couldn’t even read more than a couple of messages, I couldn’t believe it, was I drunk? Was I imagining this? There was no way you’d do this. No way you’d ever do this to me. You said you loved me. You said I was perfect, you said I was your everything, the light at the end of your tunnel, your best friend, your soulmate, your future wife, the love of your life. How could you ever do this to me. Why would you? Why go to this extremity to break me, to break us? Was she really the hottest girl in the world? Was she really worth losing me like this? We always knew this was toxic and the world was against us, but we wanted it. We fought for it. You were so addicting. Your love was addicting. The fights, the make ups, the heartache, the sex, the laughs, the everything. I would rather be fighting and making up non stop than have nothing at all. That’s how addicting you felt. You gave me a high I couldn’t get anywhere else and a low I had never experienced. Your sex was addicting, you were addicting. You were a drug I really needed. We would fight and destroy one another and then we would make up and the high was insane. You made me feel a way no one would ever comprehend. But it was wrong. It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t the way we should of built this relationship. From the moment we started talking, the second we met, it was all a mess. You were in a 2 year relationship and I was a vulnerable heartbroken freshman looking for something to forget my first love. It was the perfect mess. But our make outs, the sex, the adrenaline of sneaking around, the rush we gave each other, something new, something hot something exciting, wow I truly couldn’t get enough. Then we had sex, and I was completely hooked, I wanted you for me. I needed you. I couldn’t imagine doing college with anyone else. But then you starting fucking up. First a kiss with her, then ending things with me, then betraying me with my best friends, something I should of never forgiven, then it was the addiction, then the fights, then the lies, then me finding out you had sex with her, then it was you lying and turning into an asshole, then it was more fights, and soon enough it was the cheating. It all led up to this, it was all going to end like this, you cheated on your ex, with me, so what could I expect. Our fights started ugly and progressed into something so toxic and addicting. The yelling, the pushing, the abuse, the revenge, then apologizing, promising we’d change, things will be different, baby I’m sorry, I love you so much it’ll never happen again, then it led to make up sex, God was that good, then the cuddles and a few days of happiness and wow, this is amazing, this is it, things are going to change, things are good we are going to be happy, then boom, something new hit us and we were back to the horrid fights. Maybe this is the only way things were going to end. I could of never imagined going days without talking to you, a month without seeing you even if you are only 5 minutes away. I miss you. I miss the high, I miss the connection. But I don’t miss the person you have turned into. The asshole who is horny enough to cheat and the asshole who ignores my calls, hangs up on me and tells me i’m annoying and to leave you alone. There’s something about rejection that makes me want it even more. Made me want you even more. I hate how things ended, I hate how you think I did anything more than kiss that guy, I hate that you think I slept with him, or even did anything beyond a kiss. I didn’t. But in a dark twisted way I wanted you to think I did. Because you had sex with someone, you slept with a girl, after cheating, after breaking my heart, after all the shit i’ve been through, you slept with someone. And although you admit you will not get the same connection with her, sex is sex to a guy like you. I am regretful of having sex with you because I am so attached, I disappointed God and myself. I shouldn’t have. But I did, and all I can do now is ask for forgiveness and forgive myself and never do it again. I know that girl isn’t as hot as me, I know she didn’t do you like I ever did, she isn’t going to have that connection with you. But sex is sex right? You are desperate and you’re horny and gross. And God doesn’t approve any of it, he doesn’t want that. You should know better. But do you, do whatever and whoever you want. Those girls won’t give you the love I did, maybe you’ll get an orgasm but it’s just fucking. It’s not making love it’s nothing beyond it. You cheated, I did something petty and stupid and I should of never. I shouldn’t have sent the pictures I shouldn’t have told you. But I did, I was triggered and hurt and I exploded. It was wrong and I am sorry. But I am glad it hurt, I shouldn’t be. But in a way you felt the kind of pain and humiliation I ever felt. It’s not the right thing and I am so sorry I made you cry and feel hurt. You deserve it, and one day I will forgive myself and you most of all. And let this go for good. I am moving forwards, I always will. I love you, always will.