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it is a lot

reading thru my own online journal

and i feel badly

for not sharing it on porpoise

with everyone who matters

gn and kiss me

like you mean it this time

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am i lost again

on the waves of the pull out

first time was such a charm

thirty ninth has gotten old

i can’t say or do anything to change it if there is a willingness to protect or drive or care or want to

i’m a drifter off to sea

apparently there is no stopping me

fuck if i know and i’ll let you know i’m sorry

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everything hurts

forever

nothing fixes

no matter

my brain is a lit fire

nothing left to say

but arms crossed, legs twisted

face a grimace

wondering what

could have been said

or done

to fix it

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hide

it

good secret

everyone knows

tell everyone and don’t say anything

they’ll be mad anyway

every time

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*not poetic*

“this program is sponsored by “those about to die” streaming only on peacock”

so fucking funny

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i’m going to leave

and not remember what i said and to whom

or what we talked about before we left

my love is a fiery rage of what should have been and what could have happened

and i wish i could take on the rage itself

i wish i could have cried about how good

it would’ve looked

for me to be laying in a bathtub like that

we can’t

it’s over (almost)

we have to leave

i love you

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i don’t care about anything

fight or flight or freeze

shaken in a hot bath

wishing for a cold breeze (addiction ran its course and i’ll reup tomorrow)

nothing can fix wanting to be alone

i’m not trying to keep you from that

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sometimes i feel like

they won’t remember me

(and they won’t when fifty years go by)

im okay with it

as long as i could have one impact

i don’t need much more than that

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holding ur hand

dead of night

my heart flits at the feeling

don’t move to be uncomfy

i would like you to sleep again

but it is quite nice

when you steady your aim

on my heart

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i’m the worst

i wish i had other powers

i could soar the streets

i would read your mind

and

i am horri

ble

at most everything

my badddddddddd

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when she wakes up

i’m awake

even half asleep i’m three quarters awake

i think anxiety is beholding me

trapping me

and my eyes roll back thinking

about how she could take my entire being and i would be

blissful

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why could i lie

i’m just a person

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how many times can you say the same thing twice

heard it heard it heard it some more

what should i say

that sounds different than what i’ve said before

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to the hick off idaho road, and to myself at 13:

you like movies and socialising and friendship

sometimes people like fishing and isolation

nothing is wrong and nothing is bad

things look differently with perspective

and you’re better than suppressing who you are

and i love you

sav

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i unclench my jaw

unsmile myself

one eye open

to get back to normal

you make me grin unconsciously

thank you

for letting me rest my face

so 25 of us

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it is rather upsetting

watching another one leave me behind

and i’m tired

of all of this.

everything.

the world is on fire constantly

and i feel it deep down.

blood like gasoline

catching inside me

wanting to get my skin sometime

aching to burn my life alive.

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thank her for music

it allows me to remember where i used to be