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Do I really deserve to be treated like this? Why am I always the one that is in the wrong? Why am I always the one being accused. Why? 你累，难道我不累吗? 我爱你爱到好累。

I couldnt even get the bare minimum of treatment a girlfriend should have. I'm a joke, I'm a loser. I cant even protect myself.

When the whole world is against me, I realise... there is only myself I can depend on.

死了，应该会好一点吧。

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需要你。。。

但你放弃了我。

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“I know you’re gone because you don’t want this anymore. I know you won’t be coming back. It’s just so hard to accept that someone who used to love me so much, suddenly doesn’t anymore.”

— S

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“Promises are what heals you in the present, and what kills you in the future.”

— JayGlo

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21st. It's our 1 year and 5 months being together but sadly you're not right next to me. I dont even deserve a reply from you. What do you want from me exactly? I asked if you dont want this anymore but you refused to answer. You're leaving me hanging with my crazy thoughts.

Tried so hard not to turn to the medication for my anxiety attacks during the day and I did it but it was so challenging. I kept digging my bag and started at it... I just have to overcome this shit.

Third day of taking medication. I realise the the antidepressants alone cant make me sleep. I have to take it together with the relaxant pills. Taking it together makes me so freaking drowsy and yawned non stop the throughout the entire day.

Its keeps me thinking now... who exactly genuinely cares? No one. Not even him. Everyone be like "oh, you cannot be alone right now. You need someone to be accompanying you." Yeap, still, no one.

I stared at the sea, it was raining... it is really calming tho. I really wished I have the courage to just walk right into it and never look back. It ends all my misery.

Why do you have to do this to me? I know I cant blame you. Who wants a partner for the rest of their live with such a condition? I thought you would care or be worried but no, still the heartless man I know. I cant do anything except crying and blaming myself for being so weak.

God, please bring me away. I dont want to stay in this earth anymore. It is just too scary for me to handle.

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Checked, checked, checked and checked.

These are the common side effects while taking the pills. Not sure if it is just me thinking to much but I've been feeling nausea and yawning the entire day.

Still having the thoughts of dashing across the roads and also thinking why do people get the courage of just jumping off the building.

It is rather sad. Or should I say... frustrating? when people just dont understand how difficult it is for me to go thru this alone; even my best friend. People say "oh yes, I'll be here for you. Your family and friends too." Yea right. What's the point of having them around when they cant even understand what I'm going thru. They really really really think people can just get over it with a snap of their fingers.

You gotta be kidding. I've been living with it for years. YEARS. not days, not weeks but freaking years.

I cant stand how superficial their words are. I do know their good intentions but hey, it is not easy and to be honest, who would want themselves to be in such a situation?

I'm glued to the sofa the moment I got home and I did not move other than taking a puff and to the toilet. I just feel so lifeless. I dont feel like doing anything.

People tell me I should let him know. Not sure if I should. I want him to know so that he can understand the reason why did I do it. Not for him to come back or to sympathise me. Besides, who wants their partner to have depression? Lol.

He said he would go thru everything with me but sadly... at this point of time - he is not. I really wished I knew what is in his mind?

I dread taking the medication, I'm so scared and i dont know why.

2am and I'm still awake. I'm gonna suffer again tomorrow.

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It is not normal for someone who consistently thinks what is the purpose of living, cuts herself, has anxiety attacks, negative thoughts racing thru the mind and be sad most of the time.

Too much had happened for the past two weeks and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so suffocated and miserable. I wanted to end this life so badly but I didnt had the courage to.

Nobody actually understood the reasons behind my behaviour. He thought it was an childish act, he thought it could be controlled and he thought there are other alternatives to vent my anger.

Before that, I did voiced out of having anxiety attacks but no one paid attention to me and subsequently, I just brushed it off thinking it was "normal". I'm wrong.

I tried my best to explain that I did try to control and stop myself from doing all these silly stuff but I couldn't (trust me, I really did). I lost control and went crazy with the screaming, crying, pulling of my hair, hitting the wall and cutting myself with anger. Trust me, it scares me too; I didnt know I am capable of behaving this way.

I finally told him about what happen to my past and my childhood and all I got was..." you cant live in the past, you gotta move on." I'm sorry but you'll never understand how big was the impact and how it changed me without me noticing it as well.

I made an appointment myself today cause ive been crying for no apparent reasons, I was so vulnerable and the thoughts of ending my life was so strong. I checked the net and booked an appointment that has a slot on the same day. Yes, I went to the hospital alone not because I didnt want anyone to know I've got issues.

I went to the psychiatrist, talked to him and was diagnosed with dysthymia depression. I guess I finally have to accept the fact that I had been dealing it since years ago.

Psychiatrist then prescribed me with anti-depressents and also relaxant pills for my anxiety attacks and insomnia. Back to him 2 weeks again for a review.

I took it a couple of mins ago but was so afraid and nervous just by staring at the tiny pills. This is it, I gotta depend on medication now.

I wished you knew how badly I needed you and how much I wished you could go thru this with me. Then again, who would want to be with someone so depressed, so suicidal?

And the reason why I decided to blog because I need an output. This is just to much to handle.

Medication has slowly taken effect ... I shall continue the story soon..

Good night.

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“You were someone I never thought I’d have. How ironic you became someone I never thought I’d lose.”

— S

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“I wasn’t self destructive until you left me alone in the aftermath of our love. Now I’m just trying to erase every last trace of you, even if it means destroying the girl you once swore you’d never leave.”

— S