iris-perception

[iris-perception]

rambles

have you ever felt so incredibly out of control of your own life? not even life. just like decisions and behaviors. which, truly, if you think about it thats all you ever have full control over is how you behave and what you choose. i just feel like i am constantly at war with who i am and who i want to be. or who i am and who i can be or who i am capable of being. i also dont really know what im capable of. all i know is i am capable of more than what i am right now. its so annoying because im so incredibly self-aware but im also incredibly talented at avoiding those insights and living in cognitive dissonance. i mean does anyone ever truly find a balance between their morals/beliefs and their behaviors/actions? i believe strongly about a lot of things but i also choose not to be vocal about those things and will listen to someone who believes and behaves completely opposite of me. does that make me empathetic or weak? i like to think i’m a strong-willed person but i’m just not sure. i guess thats more evident when i’m sober. which, if we’re being honest, is not a lot these days. i mean, i’m not always trashed or anything but i’m never fully sober. excluding weed of course because i do not consider that a drug. however, i do believe i have a strong attachment and dependence on it because i don’t like to eat without smoking first and i honestly don’t know if i could fall asleep without smoking. i’ve always had trouble sleeping because i think so much and smoking before bed isn’t even about getting high it literally just relaxes my muscles and keeps my mind from racing. i used to could sleep in silence but i also need a tv to sleep now and i dont know why but i think its because i listen to the dialogue from the show instead of think about all the shit that usually comes to mind when i’m alone with my thoughts. that sounds so dark and morbid but i just sometimes wish i was blissfully ignorant to why i am the way that i am because then i wouldn’t realize how much worse i am making it by avoiding things that i know will help me and get me out of my rut. how pathetic and masochistic is that? its even worse that i’ve had a wonderful life and truly have no specific reason or event that made me this way. but isnt that the definition of depression? being sad for literally no reason. ive also been out of my meds for almost a month now. im bad about taking them regularly but ive been on them since i was 16 so i never went long enough for it to get out of my system (i think). but they also said it wouldn’t work properly if i kept using and binging so often. i’m not disputing that but i feel a difference when i am off them. so they do something, whether or not its the amount they are supposed to do they still balance me in some way because i swear i feel bipolar sometimes. and i dont realize it until after the damage is done. i can literally feel the shift and i know in my bones that i’m acting irrational and unfair but if i dont get it out then it will fester and build until i can’t reason my way out anymore because the sudden passion and anger that takes over has no root in logic or reason. i feel bad for moss because he gets the brunt of it all. i just need to be alone. i need to figure out my own shit before dumping it on others that are not equipped to deal with how heavy my baggage is. i also never considered myself a girl with baggage but there isn’t a single person alive without baggage. we all have pasts and we all have so much shit that we don’t know that shapes us but will manifest in our behavior with zero hesitation or permission. let me clarify. i think emotional “baggage” is only “baggage” if you need help carrying it. baggage is emotional trauma and/or biases that directly affect the other person because it hasn’t been processed, dealt with, or even acknowledged. i never thought i had trauma because i would compare myself to strangers that had it so much worse than me. strangers that couldn’t even worry about the shit i worried about because they had to worry about survival. i get knots in my stomach because of how much i know my family worries about me when lots of people don’t have anyone to worry about them at all. i know my feelings are still valid and hurt just as much as someone in a worse situation. i just feel guilty because of how good my life has been and how much i fucked it up. thats dramatic. my life isnt fucked but i fucked up my parent’s trust/respect/faith in me because i chose not to live up to my potential because of how crippling the fear of becoming my dad was. which i also just have zero self control and am incredibly selfish at times. i will not blame my lack of effort in college on my daddy issues because i chose bars and procrastination over becoming the person i am expected to be and who i know i can be. again, sounds dramatic. i was never pressured to be a specific type of person or anything. my family just knows how incredibly capable i can be when i choose to or want to. i was just so angsty and wanted to push away everything good for me. for why? no fucking clue. now i miss school more than anything. i only have like one semester left to finish my degree but its on my dime now (as it should be) so i’m trying to save up and also build up the courage to go back. im literally gonna be the old burnout in all my classes. i just wish i could see myself the way that i try to portray myself and how my family sees me. i am very good at putting on a front and deflecting things. i joke about my pain a lot. i choose not to acknowledge it because i feel guilty for having it. i know exactly how to fix my situation. if i exercise regularly and see a counselor i’d be fixed in no time. i know how happy i could be. i just hate that i have to work for it. why do we have to work for happiness? why do i have to try so hard to be happy with myself? why do i have to try so hard to love myself? probably because i’ve been ignoring myself for so long. i love helping other people with their problems and i give great support and advice but am such a hypocrite. its quite a talent. sorry for the rambles. i didnt bring my journal so this was my only outlet.

[iris-perception]

first timer

hello! so i have struggled with depression and anxiety for almost 10 years now. i will be 23 years old in 4 days. i’ve been to multiple counselors and therapists who have all said that journaling is incredibly beneficial to mental health. however, my hand hurts when i journal/vent as much as i do. plus, any of my loved ones could find them eventually. so, basically, this is me trying to journal with more privacy and less hand cramps. i created this account for this purpose almost a month ago. why is this the first time i’m writing? not sure. i think because it becomes more real and vulnerable once its written down. by “it” i am referring to my willfully ignored mental illness. i hate saying that because i’m not ‘ill’ in the way society might have you believe. i function every single day, i take care of (most) of my responsibilities, and i have a steady job that i work hard at. however, i use all of those responsibilities as a way to keep my mind busy and distracted from all the long-term things i need to be figuring out. its just so much. so many people to make proud.