irl-grieving

[irl-grieving]

I left notes of us behind, because we are immortal in this way.

[irl-grieving]

I'm trying to sleep, but I want to hold you so badly.

I always slept better cuddled up against you, holding you as best as I could.

I realize, laying here alone, that had I been given the opportunity to see you one last time before they bagged you up: I would have never let go of you.

I vividly experience that non-exeperience: I can just see you laying in the too tiny guest bed, the EMTs trying to give me some room, while also trying to get me off of you.

And I, arms wrapped tightly around your torso, crying and disbelieving, refuse to let your corpse go. Wishing all the more you'd wake up and hold me and tell me everything was alright.

I never got the clipping of your hair from the funeral home, I suspect your father was grossed out by them and didn't accept them. Or your mother has all of it. I have my own stash and your hairbrush, but still, I would have loved a long neat lock of curl.

Uhg, the adorable curls behind your ears! So cute, so irresistible, so perfectly placed for teasing you with vampy kisses.

[irl-grieving]

My love, he's growing so strong, and big! Everyone is gently joking that the baby has BIG shoes to fill.

I'll never apply that pressure to him. I just want to give him hugs.

My poor darling.

Knowing your nephew is stuck in the hospital, intubated like you left us, is such a painful feeling. I'm certain he'll have your hatred of hospitals. I'm just as certain your brother with be a better father than your own, and make his hospitals stays comfortable and entertaining. (I'll try to set a good example and bring games and books).

But he's grown past needing help breathing! He'll be home soon!

[irl-grieving]

After your first 3 seizures, you asked me if I was going to leave you. Like, break up with you.

I was shocked and confused.

It never, ever, crossed my mind to break up with you.

I was so worried about you. I was so scared for you.

Sure, I have trauma from waking up to you seizing in bed, but the relief of bringing you home from the hospitals was so great. I wanted to give you everything in the world to show you how glad I was you were okay.

Remember how I'd be eager to get you snacks when we picked up prescriptions? How I'd never want to leave your hospital rooms? Leaving you in hospitals was some of the more painful moments of my life.

Now, I'm here. And you're not. And I'm so sad. I need you.

[irl-grieving]

I hate that we've put so much of you into storage.

I hate how much of us I've packed away.

I'm terrified of my out of sight out of mind mentality.

I'm so scared of forgetting you.

[irl-grieving]

I haven't seen my therapist since November.

I just saw her, 40 mins ago at my job and she asked to catch-up.

I was not expecting her to actually cry the way she did when I told her Joe passed away.

She was so upset her voice crackeled, broken as she held back her tears.

Holy shit, I just was not expecting that.

She offered me a free session and advice on finding insurance so we can get back to the routine.

I'm greatful for her. She held my hand through a crazy year of job drama. She's still there for me now.

[irl-grieving]

You are my affliction 🪻

Prints!

[irl-grieving]

Please

Haunt my dreams

[irl-grieving]

My poor darling.

Knowing your nephew is stuck in the hospital, intubated like you left us, is such a painful feeling. I'm certain he'll have your hatred of hospitals. I'm just as certain your brother with be a better father than your own, and make his hospitals stays comfortable and entertaining. (I'll try to set a good example and bring games and books).

But he's grown past needing help breathing! He'll be home soon!

[irl-grieving]

Franz Kafka, from a letter to Milena Jesenka featured in "Letters to Milena,

[irl-grieving]

Martha Gellhorn, from a letter to Sybille Bedford featured in The Selected Letters of Martha Gellhorn

[irl-grieving]

[irl-grieving]

You only bit me when you loved me, and only because I wanted you to.

All of the bruises where from the hard work of heavy lifting and moving of furniture and shit, and I was always proud that they showed how strong I was with you.

Then, for you.

I still want that tattoo.

bite marks and bruises are actually very very sweet to me

[irl-grieving]

[irl-grieving]

do you think a cemetery angel and a gargoyle could fall in love

[irl-grieving]

Oh, you're thinking of that trip to the city too, huh?

[irl-grieving]

Everyone keeps telling me how Strong I am. They have no clue. I know I am Strong, I am the one Being Strong, and I had the bruises to prove it.

Everyone keeps telling me how much You love me. They have no clue. I know You Love me, I am the one being loved, and I have the hickeys to prove it.

What they don't get is: I can't be these things anymore. Not without You.

You were my Strength. We were the most incredible team of movers EVER.

You were my Lover. I don't feel the same without your hugs and kisses and gentle kitchen dances while making dinner.