ironiedevivre

[ironiedevivre]

Struggling to love ourselves is one of the common struggles of those grown in abuse, because one of the duties of parents is to teach children how to feel about themselves. And it happens automatically; we learn who we are and how to feel about us, from how everyone else is treating us. If we are well loved, taken care of, given attention and affection, given resources and patience, we go with it and learn that we're worth all that, it's natural for us to be loved and we love ourselves just like everyone else loves on us. It doesn't need any conscious effort, we're just taking in what the environment is communicating to us, what our role is and our level of value and importance, and we accept and internalize it, and we go on feeling that way about ourselves unless something else proves it wrong.

However if we're told from the start that we're worth nothing, that we're a burden, disgusting and unlovable, if resources are given to us begrudgingly and out of obligation, if we're neglected and emotionally abandoned, with nobody taking the care to answer our needs or questions, we can't go on to assume we must be great, valuable and lovable, because we see that it just isn't true in this environment. It isn't backed up by evidence. The evidence we see is that we have no value in anyone's mind, no place in anyone's heart. We can only assume that we're here by a mistake and that we aren't worth anything, because the proof of that is all over the place.

It doesn't even need to be that explicit, it doesn't need to be shown to us by violence and force; it's that nobody cares when our feelings are hurt, nobody cares if we're hungry or in pain, nobody making sure we have resources and information to go forward in life, nobody finding us worthy to teach us valuable skills or give us attention and fun and warmth. It's the absence of all things that should be there that teach us we're unimportant, unlovable, unworthy of even being looked at.

Self love is not cultivated by force, or on purpose by us; we can only change our environment and hope that in another setting, we would get what we need in order to see that value reflected in the world around us. Because if all we can see is that we're being treated as resources or used and then abandoned, we're not going to be able to internalize value no matter what we do, no matter what we say to ourselves in the mirror. We can learn to like ourselves, to figure out that we're good people, that we deserved better, that people are awful for treating us as if we're disposable, but that effortless and carefree feeling of safety and self love won't come unless our environment reflects it back at us. Some things cannot be gained in isolation and abandonment. And nobody should expects us to love ourselves if we've never been taught how.

[ironiedevivre]

this year has been one of the hardest of my life.

i've stopped writing, because it feels selfish and pointless to complain. or create.

i don't want to exist. i do, and i'm sorry. i want a better life, but it's hard to even believe that i deserve one, nevermind that i'm capable of obtaining one

i've stopped doing most of the things i (used to) love, for a lot of reasons. i just keep shrinking. i know i'll never shrink enough to be acceptable to anyone, but i can try...

i don't tell people about myself anymore. (there's no one to tell.) i start and delete so many times. it's not even for the reason that no one cares or anything, it's that they shouldn't have to see it at all. don't be reminded of me. i'm not supposed to exist. everything is fine. god i'm struggling so much, i need so much, but i'm so sorry that i'm here

my world is shrinking. i don't know what to say or where to say it, if i even thought i could or should. it's so selfish of me to exist! despite my best efforts and best intentions, i'm a terrible person, a terrible friend, a disappointment, a waste. my mother tells me all the time. (i think it's funny that she ever expected anything else from telling me this all the time. where was i supposed to find self esteem, pride? my parents were supposed to create that, teach that, nurture that. instead i'm so stupidly damaged that even the things i'm so proud of are never enough.) i've spent so much time lately trying not to cry, and never ever letting anyone see it. i'm not supposed to have feelings, or make anyone feel anything about me. if i make mom feel bad, it's my fault. i can't let anyone know how much it hurts, any of it. i can't let anyone know i've been rejected again, ghosted, and it's been so long and hurts almost as much as the first day i noticed. (you're such a fucking failure!!! even your best friend got sick of you and left without saying a word. everyone, everyone knew there was something wrong with you growing up and you tried to ignore it but you just made it worse!)

(and god i'm so angry. i am so, so angry. but what do you do with anger that has nowhere to go? it just sits here. i keep it to myself, just like i used to. expressing feelings, no matter how carefully, is as undesirable as the rest of me. i am not supposed to have feelings. my feelings do not matter. i don't know what i did wrong but just try harder not to fuck anything up.)

everyone expected so much from me and i failed so much at everything. always the odd one out, always a weirdo, always a loser and i couldn't break free of it in spite of it. i couldn't even manage to pretend to be normal, be an average empty shell with a career and a family. and instead of filling that space with hobbies, i'm pulling back, because mother doesn't believe i deserve them if i don't have a career and a family. isn't it funny... it's been years since i've played a video game, because any time i spend enjoying myself is time i "should've" spent at a job. i can't spend time with my handful of friends left, or protest a genocide, because any time enjoying life or believing in anything is time that should be at a job, not unemployed - but i'm her caregiver? and i'm not supposed to do anything else but take care of her, but i'm not supposed to spend so much time with her because i don't have a real job, and on and on. i got a job and she was angry. i couldn't do enough and she was angry. she's always angry with me. i couldn't keep a job and i can't seem to do anything at all. nothing i do will ever be good enough.

it doesn't feel good to say any of this. no one wants to hear it, and i'm sorry. no one's reading it anyway, so it doesn't matter, but i'm sorry

i don't know what to do with myself anymore

[ironiedevivre]

[ironiedevivre]

Wait, so you’re telling me not everyone is thinking constantly about how much of a failure they are, how they wish they could change their life completely, and how (no matter what) they will always be an outcast in any situation?

What a way to live.

[ironiedevivre]

everyone is lying.

when will somebody finally tell me the fucking truth about what they think of me instead of gaslighting me into thinking you tolerate me and then just FUCKING LEAVING?????

[ironiedevivre]

I wanna be fucking normal. Why couldn't I have been normal?

[ironiedevivre]

I just want to stop suffering

[ironiedevivre]

I am definitely going to die alone. I am going to die unloved, depressed and useless.

[ironiedevivre]

i wanna be loved. wanna be cared about. i feel empty and alone.

[ironiedevivre]

i will not die of natural causes, i will end it myself

[ironiedevivre]

The pain is always worse at night.

I'm alone, I'm unwanted, I'm annoying, no one wants me. No one ever will.

[ironiedevivre]

“I miss the parts of you that I know I’ll never find again in anyone else.”

- S. C. C.

[ironiedevivre]

best friends can break your heart.

you can look back at pictures and feel empty. you can be reminded of them by every little thing. you can almost break down seeing them on social media with someone else, smiling like you guys used to. you can want to text or call but know you can’t do that anymore. you can miss them and feel yourself aching to talk to them one more time to try to fix it.

friends can break your heart. we just don’t talk about it.

[ironiedevivre]

why does every time always leave me feeling so used... any time you needed me, i was there. i stayed up all night sewing masks for your grandmother's funeral. you ran out of meds, i shared mine. forked out $100 i didn't have for a corset i've still never worn. gave advice when you asked for it. celebrated your successes with you and cared for your family. even when we disagreed on fandom shit or whatever, i stayed.

what the fuck did i do???

[ironiedevivre]

But please tell me this, why did you drop me so quick like I never meant anything to you? Like you never actually cared about me?

[ironiedevivre]

Im not wanted anywhere 072523

[ironiedevivre]